I can remember five or six years ago feeling helpless to support the women in my life who were hurting. It was a time when I was birthing babies, and I experienced women close to me struggling with this. Women I loved were feeling the intense pain of miscarriage or infertility, and having never dealt with this particular battle, I could only sympathize, not empathize. What I discovered, though, as I spoke with other women and mothers in my life, was that an overwhelming majority of them had experienced the same pain. Most women I knew personally had lost an unborn child, yet had never spoken of it until I broached the subject. I realized miscarriage was something women didn’t talk about. They kept that particular trauma to themselves. But I also realized that in sharing the struggle with one another, strength was obtained by those close to me.
It was something women didn’t talk about, and recently I’ve come across another struggle women keep to themselves. Why do we do that?
Here’s another thing women aren’t talking about, but I will. Be warned, fellas, and continue at your own risk.
After my third daughter was born I breastfed her like I did the first two. As an exclusive breastfeeding mother, and exactly like my previous children, I did not experience a menstrual cycle while nursing. I dealt with the hormonal changes of pregnancy, and then the ones of postpartum motherhood, but nothing was quite as hard as the return of the hormones related to my period. After 9 months of no cycle, then another two years sans period, when I did stop breastfeeding and my period returned, it was with a vengeance. I mean, I had spent the last seven years of my life pregnant or breastfeeding. I assumed this would get better, that it would regulate, that I would feel normal again. And so began one of the hardest experiences of my life thus far. The worst part, is that I have felt all alone in it. Like, I’m crazy. I’ve even described myself as such.
I’m crazy.
Around the time of my returning cycle, I also entered my forties. My reproductive body was starting to slow due to age, but the mother within there wouldn’t put it to rest. I imagined it like two, competing women within me. One was saying, “we’re done with this procreation business,” and she was trying to slow down my baby factory. Yet the other zealous woman inside screamed, “no, I’m not finished yet,” and she released a torrent of reproductive hormones. I found myself riding a rollercoaster of hormones, with plunges and surges, ups and downs. I just kept telling myself it would get better.
Over the past year and a half I’ve been waiting for it to improve, but instead of improvement I’ve experienced upheaval. I’ve dealt with symptoms unlike anything I had ever experienced in adolescence, much worse, in fact. They followed a cyclic pattern, so that I could pinpoint exactly where I was in my 28 day cycle, based simply on how I felt. When I was ovulating I’d have headaches, dizziness, lightheadedness, and nausea. I’d have pain and be prone to periods of rage. The week before my actual period I’d be an emotional wreck, crying five times within ten minutes of a movie that wasn’t even sad. I’d have acne that was worse than anything I saw as a teenager. My acid reflux would get out of control, I’d be fatigued, swollen, and experience muscle strains and pains in my back and neck. Anxiety, insomnia, depression. PMS was the worst, and I’d actually long for my period, telling my husband that I wanted to “bleed my bad mood away.”
It seemed like with each week new symptoms came, month after month, and I only had maybe 5 days in 30 where I felt “normal” or like my old self. The actual period itself was worse, with cramps rivaling anything I’d ever known, ones that made me cry. It lasted longer, would wax and wane, stop, then restart. But I think it was my mental state that made it the worst. So many times I used the words “out of control.”
I felt out of control of my emotions.
I felt crazy.
I felt unstable.
I felt like no one understood this because no one talked about it. Was I the only woman in my forties who felt insane?
I started scouring the Internet, something as a Nurse I hated when patients did, but I had to do something that made me feel less alone. I found things that made me feel better, but that also didn’t. I realized women in their forties experienced these hormonal surges, ups and downs, as their reproductive bodies geared down. I discovered it was called a perimenopausal period, but I also found it could last ten years or more! Was there any end in sight?!
For over a year I waited to see if it would improve, and when it didn’t I decided to finally bite the bullet and see my doctor. When I explained my symptoms at my appointment he didn’t seem surprised. I had never believed in PMS as a young woman, naively presuming it was an excuse women used to act nasty. Even as I spoke honestly to my doctor a small part of me worried if he’d feel the same, but I was beyond premenstrual syndrome; I was all-the-time syndrome.
I thought later about when he had suggested different medication options. One suggestion had been Zoloft.
“But I’m not depressed!” I had exclaimed defensively. “My life is wonderful!”
He had answered, “it doesn’t mean you’re depressed to take it. It can just help your mood to be regulated.”
A few days after this conversation I had the worst PMS of my life. Two nights before my period started I found myself fixating on a situation. I was worried that someone might be upset with me. The crazy part was nothing had happened, but I was worried it might. I was anxious about a nonexistent issue. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it!
I prayed and prayed. “God, take these irrational worries away!”
The next day I found myself in a “slump,” but that’s really a nice way of putting it. It was even beyond my typical description of “melancholy.” I was depressed, bordering on hopeless, and even had a very brief thought of suicide in the shower.
It wasn’t my first brush with suicidal ideation. I could remember two episodes prior where I had lay in bed thinking that my children didn’t love me or need me, that they would be better off without me. Thankfully, a thought of ending my life was only a fleeting one, mere seconds of contemplation, then pushed away by my rational mind. But the realization that they came at all frightened me. How could I think such a thing?!
Crazy.
If it wasn’t that then I considered running away, deserting a family that I felt didn’t appreciate me.
I guess they’d see how much I do if I was gone!
Crazy.
The truth always would shine through. It would tell me I was loved (and appreciated), by my family and by God. I guess that’s probably what bothered me the most. How could I (in my innermost being) know the truth, that I was complete in Jesus and loved, yet still feel this way? The two things didn’t gel, they didn’t go together, they didn’t go side by side. The truth of who I was didn’t coincide with my feelings. My emotions betrayed me. They threatened to upheave me. I was a happy, blessed woman! So why did I feel so sad?! That was the worst part. The truth of my situation didn’t change how I felt sometimes.
I called my doctor back!
In talking to other women, and ones older than myself, who had been in my shoes (forties, multiple babies later), I realized I wasn’t alone. They had been through the same emotions and struggles. I don’t know why we keep these experiences so close and silent, but I think it’s because they scare us. They make us feel out of control. I mean, many years ago women suffered in silence, and the ones who did voice the roller coaster feelings were hospitalized, institutionalized, given electroshock therapy, separated from family, and heavily medicated into compliance. Perhaps that macabre history is why we keep our struggles close to the vest, unspoken, and swept under a rug.
Maybe it’s indecent or inappropriate for women to discuss out loud things like hormones and menstrual cycles! Like how breastfeeding still isn’t normalized, I guess neither is the struggle of being a woman. We go through the difficulties of carrying a child, the pain of childbirth, the struggles of the postpartum period, but it doesn’t even end there. It continues into this time of life that I’m now discovering, and I haven’t even gotten to the menopause part!
I wish it didn’t have to be so hard to be a woman, and I wish I knew the answers of how to make it better. But I don’t. I do know this, though. If anything I wrote sounds familiar to you then I hope it helps to know you are not alone in how you feel. You’re not the only woman who feels crazy, unbalanced, or out of control. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about it, to see your doctor. Keep looking for a doctor who understands your situation and helps you find solutions. Don’t be ashamed of how you’re feeling, don’t be ashamed to get help, to find the right medicine.
Tonight I heard a song on the radio that sang, “I’m not okay, and that’s okay.”
I guess that’s my anthem during this season. Women always try to be everything, but it’s okay to admit you need help. I cling to Jesus and prayer, but God created knowledge which created medicine, and there’s no shame in that. Being out of control of your emotions doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or even a bad Christian. It just means you’re human. And I think it’s okay to talk about that.
Dorothy says
Yup. It’s definitely ok to talk about that, Brie.
You know, as a “woman of a certain age” (66) I am now of the belief that, like a lot of things regarding education, values & life skills, most of the stuff about how women’s (& men’s) bodies work should start in the home.The knowledge, the science of how our engines run should be encouraged from a firm foundation of knowing that God has made an amazing & sometimes rather complicated creation in women & that the complement of men has its own handbook to go along with that. But I fear this is still not the case. Being open to understanding the biology, the ability to appreciate the science that helps us navigate the changes & challenges that our earthly bodies go through-to me it can only increase our appreciation for His gift of life.
We need to educate our daughters (and our sons-please y’all don’t go throwing things) about the simple mechanics of how His wondrous creations of man & woman actually work. And they both need to know about each other. Yes.
When I got my first period, my mother (whom I adored) clammed up like a closed door about the event. She handed me a pad, a belt (no stick-on pads or heaven forbid tampons back then) and said “Don’t tell your brother about this”
The end. Anything that might occur further down the path with my body or anything having to do with sex or hormones or (Heaven Help Us, yet again) menopause was covered by calling it all “a mystery” or just not considered at all.
Anyhoo, I’ve rambled on for too long here but I think that the kind of turmoil so many women experience with being “Crazy” at some point in life might be tempered somewhat by starting out with the idea that we are privileged to have the science needed to understand that our unique & marvelous God-given engines sometimes might need a tune-up. Sharing the manual with one another is the right thing for women to do until such time that it becomes just another part of our life skills curriculum, one that will hopefully first begin at home with positive affirmations of how His amazing creation works. Knowledge is power. And powerful women can stand up to darkness when it seeks to exploit those times when we become fearful or if we land at that awful ugly place where we think we are “less than” and alone .
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Absolutely. Thanks so much for the great comment and insight!
Amy Cissom says
This is great! Same here. I’ve been dealing with this for several years. Right through a divorce and still dealing with it. Hormonal ups and downs can change your mood in seconds and it’s hard explaining it, especially to a husband. I guess we just automatically think they are suppose to understand us, but how can they possibly understand something that even we don’t. It’s sad. And we could spend a fortune running to different doctors trying to find someone who knows enough to treat us precisely and fix the problem. And before we know it we can hurt people’s feelings and make some enemies with no intentions of that at all. I wish everyone understood it like the people who are experiencing it. This was a great article and it is good to see that other people can relate. Thanks for sharing.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting!
Stephanie says
I think it is wonderful you opened this discussion Brie. I just turned 50 and these changes have been going on for a number of years. I’m doing all I can to impact my quality of life which includes an assortment of western medicines and natural treatments such as essential oils, lots of unprocessed foods, regular exercise. I’m still clinging to Jesus, some days victory feels like he just barely keeps my head above the water. It is a great comfort to know I’m not alone!! Thanks again!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting. Glad the camaraderie helped you.
Ruthie says
Yep! Pretty much sums it up! Love you!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Love you too!
Lisa Pierce says
I’m one of the blessed few I suppose. I’ve never dealt with any of the symptoms you described. I didn’t even know I was postmenopause until I saw it written on a paper at the drs office. My sister went through these symptoms during menopause but she didn’t tell me until later.
You’re right. Women should talk more. I think that’s when we realize we’re not alone and that is some consolation. God bless you dear and I pray for your body to work itself out like God intended.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Martha says
I went through this for several years until I read an article about it and they recommended vitamins, calcium, and extra vitamin E . A month later a lot of craziness had eased up and as the months went by I saw huge improvement. When ever I’d quit taking them in a couple of months the symptoms would start returning. I’m not saying it will work for everyone but it’s worth trying to see if it helps. . I’m glad you brought it up because it can save a life. Sometimes women have committed suicide because of this problem.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. Great suggestions!
searchingforsubstance says
i randomly came across your site as i was searching for bible verses. i’m so glad i came across it.
thanks for sharing this story about your struggles postpartum and post breastfeeding. (you are right.. the hormones during all those stages is so hard to deal with!) i totally agree with you that society should address these things about how difficult it is to be a woman.. how we should be more honest and open to have this kinda dialogue and not shaming each other for our feelings, hormones, or menstrual cycles.
i’m glad you called your doctor back. i’m glad you are writing. =) may God continue to be your strength and fortress in this season of your life, and the next and the next and the next. =)
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!
Donna P says
Thank you for opening up and talking about these things. We should talk to each other more about these things. I haven’t been blessed with children but did suffer a miscarriage about 5 years ago. I don’t think my hormones have been the same since. Being in my 40’s doesn’t help either. 🙂 As another lady previously said there are many vitamins and minerals and diet changes that can help, It is a process to find what works but well worth it. For some reason doctors don’t go that route but I prefer them to medication. Enjoy your blog. Have a blessed New Year!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!
bluebell222 says
If only the hormone reset was a smooth process. Such a journey for each of us. Our baggage that we drag along while attempting to get through each day is like packing for a trip for both of our inner women. Oh, Lord, if we should set down a bag and have to backtrack. God is nudging us forward, and Jesus reminds us that we do not need all that extra clutter. Yet, we end up at a rest stop without that gadget. We are a resilient crew.
Your blog posts inspire me and help me to calm the mental pinball machine that pings and pings.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you ☺️