Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

The Pajama Lesson

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My nine year old got a few, new pairs of pajamas for Christmas. In fact, I asked people, when they inquired of me, to get them for her as a gift. Cause every kid loves clothes, right?! But seriously, she needed them, like, really bad needed them. So, boy, was I excited to see them rolling in at gift unwrapping time. One pair was especially adorable, and when she put them on they looked so cute I made one of those “ahhhh” sounds to emphasize my approval. She was grinning, too, so I assumed her stamp was given. She ran around all night, looking adorable in her striped, raccoon-icorn pj’s, but when bedtime came and she exited from the bathroom I was not prepared for her nighttime attire. There she was, smiling ear to ear, sporting her ratty, mismatched slumber wear. Do what?!

See, that’s why we had gotten her new pajamas, and I explained as much as I tucked her in the covers.

“These pajamas are super old,” I said. “I got you new ones so you don’t have to wear the same ones every night!”

Yes, she had worn them every night for as long as I could remember. They weren’t just her favorite; they were the only pair she’d wear. If she couldn’t find them, sometimes, it was a huge deal. She would search frantically for those ratty, worn-out pajamas. She did not think she could sleep without them.

“Why aren’t you wearing your new pajamas?” I asked.

She pulled at the thin, terry cloth fabric, covered in unicorns, and she answered, “cause they’re not comfy like these.”

She went on to explain in a variation of adjectives why her old ones were so stretchy, “bendy,” and easy to fall asleep in, and at that point I realized another reason she didn’t want to let them go.

Security.

See, for whatever reason, a year ago she began to fear going to sleep. Sure, a lot of children don’t like going to sleep, but my girl’s became a huge, irrational fear. She worried that she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. Or she worried she wouldn’t stay asleep. It seems that at some point she woke up in the middle of the night, it was dark, and she got scared. And once the fear started, she couldn’t get past it to fall back asleep. She was immobilized from even going back to sleep, and after that she worried it would happen again. It didn’t matter that a year had gone by and she never had a problem again. She slept like a rock, but that didn’t mean as much in the face of fear.

At the beginning of her bedtime scare, we initiated a more solid routine. We did pajamas right at the time of sleep, we brushed teeth, we said our prayers, she watched a little bit of soothing, nature documentary with her dad to settle for the night. Before we realized it, this bedtime routine became a required ritual. She felt it necessary to hit each step. If I fell asleep (on my work nights) before her without praying for her, she would wake me up to pray. We explained that my prayers didn’t hold any more weight than her own, but she persisted that I had to be the one to pray with her. She spoke the same words in her prayer every night. The script, as much as the act of prayer, gave her comfort. I realized, after a year of wearing these pajamas every, single night (we laundered them regularly) she had built them into her much-needed routine. She felt like she needed those exact pajamas to sleep well.

I recognized that we all had our own pair of safety pajamas. And when I say pajamas, I don’t just mean pajamas. I mean that we all have routines, comfort zones, and certain people or things that make us feel secure. The bad part is those items in our life have no more power than some unicorn sleeping pants, but we give them a place of power when we allow them to keep us from moving forward into something better, or into the future God has for us.

How many women stay with an abusive man who has convinced her she cannot do better in life? I once spoke with a prostitute who remained under the thumb of her pimp because she felt that was the best she could do in life. She didn’t believe she deserved better.

How many men stay in a relationship where they are belittled and beat down?

How many of us stay in a job we hate? I can remember saying “better is the devil you know than the one you don’t.” I get it.

How many of us hate where we live, but are afraid to move somewhere new?

What about your career? I dreamed of being an actress on Broadway, but I let someone in my life convince me it wasn’t realistic to pursue, that I needed to go find a “real” job. So now, I just sing show-tunes to my intubated patients.

Yes, it’s good that I’m a nurse, but what I’m saying is, how often do we miss out on the best life for us and our families because we’re afraid to change pajamas? You see what I mean? Sometimes it’s easier to stay stuck in a routine we don’t really love, and that routine becomes a crutch. In fact, it becomes an albatross, or a millstone around our neck. It holds us down from enjoying the new gift we’ve been given, and we miss out on the fact that the new stuff may fit us even better than we could have ever imagined.

Well, I will report that she’s still wearing those old, ratty pj’s. The new ones are sitting in her drawer, still, but I’m hopeful that we can show her the truth. The truth is, change is scary, but it also brings blessing. Allowing fear to keep us from stepping out into the new, it only hurts us in the long run. We all could use a reminder of that. So, here’s to a new year of new things, new changes, new courage, and new confidence. I hope we all can embrace the new.

It’s Okay if All You Want is To Be Still

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This morning my mind was running circuits and trailing tangents as it usually does when I’m trying to wake up amidst the shower steam. Basically I go between praying and personal thoughts for my day. Sometimes I’ll go over a previous event, as if thinking it through amongst honestly muttered prayers will lend needed clarity to my thoughts. One of the things that ran through my mind this morning was the previous afternoon in an orientation class. At one point the presenter had asked us a question.

He had questioned, “what is your goal for yourself in the next five years?”

I know, this is a common question. We’re taught throughout life that for successful living we need to have a five year plan. I get that. We’re encouraged to make goals, and then to chase them. We’re instructed to make a plan, plot out the course to achieving it, and to let nothing stop you in that pursuit.

Somewhere between mentally revisiting that round table discussion and washing my face, I found myself repeating the 23rd Psalm. This was one of the scriptures that I frequently prayed over myself and my day before going to work, but this morning I paused close to the beginning. I had been stopped in my tracks by the words “you lead me beside still waters,” and in that moment of silent reflection I felt the Lord say something to me.

It’s ok if all you want is to be still.

I needed that encouragement. You see, yesterday I had very boldly and honestly given my lack of planning for the next five years. I mean, I was the first to speak, but as the same question was answered all around the table, I realized mine was an anomaly. Everyone had a plan, laid out, goal oriented, with their professional development in mind. Most wanted to further their education, moving to the next step in being a better them. And that was great. It just wasn’t where I was at currently. It’s not that I wasn’t constantly learning and growing; I definitely am. It’s simply that I felt peace with where I was at the moment, and I had no stringent requirement of myself to plan out my next steps.

At the time I had said, “I’m 42 years old. I’ve been in nursing for twenty years, and I’m at a place in my life right now where I’m completely dependent on the Lord. I go where He leads me. He led me here, and I feel like He wants me to stay here. Will I be here in a year? I have no idea. I take each day as it comes, and I trust the Lord for each one.”

You could have heard a pin drop. I’m sure, for many, my words sounded crazy, but I had also come to a place in life where that didn’t bother me either. It’s not that I found people who made plans to be lacking in faith. Not at all! In fact, I’m a planner by nature, and I think it’s prudent and wise. It’s just not the season I am in. For the past two years I have based where I worked and lived on the doors God opened and the ones He closed. To do that I had to completely surrender to the unknown. It wasn’t easy, but it strengthened my faith and walk with Christ in a way I could have never imagined. And just because I’ve taken a permanent, steady job, it doesn’t mean I’m going to stop following His lead.

I think that sometimes our continuous, perfectly laid out plans can distance us from God. I know, for me, planning my course gave me a sense of control, and that comforted me. What I’ve learned, though, is that perfectly laid out steps and a five year plan won’t bring me the contentment I desire or the success I need for a happy life. Self improvement is good, but without working on the inside too, even well laid plans will fall flat.

As I thought over the previous discussion in the classroom, this morning in the shower, I think I had a moment where I questioned myself. When God calls you to be different, it’s hard not to feel a little weird. But when I felt the Lord impress to me the freedom to be in a season of stillness, it calmed my spirit. I thought back to something else from the previous day. In reading scripture I had been especially drawn to the familiar story in the Bible of Mary and her sister Martha. Martha ran around hurriedly making preparations, but Mary sat at the feet of Jesus enjoying His presence. I don’t think one sister is better than the other, but I do believe there are times in our life to be a Martha, yet also times to be a Mary. Jesus doesn’t require our sacrifice, but He does call us to relationship.

I happened to be in a season of life where my ability to be still positively impacted my relationship with the Lord. I had made many plans in my life, but currently I resided in a place where I desired Him to direct my steps. Some called my life “living by the seat of my pants,” but I preferred to consider it sitting at the feet of Jesus, listening intently as He taught.

A New Perspective For a New Year

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If I’ve learned anything this year it’s that my perspective of my situations have more of an impact than I realized. Even as you walk through the pouring rain, you can curse the sky that you don’t have an umbrella, or you can laugh as you jump in muddy puddles, being grateful you aren’t trudging through a season of drought. I discovered a new love for my career, and I realized the impact I can have on the lives of others through my work. Instead of focusing on the difficulties inherent in my vocation, I chose to highlight the opportunities to change the world one life at a time. Perhaps it sounds a little corny, but I stopped looking at the small nuisances of life in general. And instead I began looking at the bigger picture. I learned how to view life more regularly through a kingdom perspective. It changed everything.

This morning I read a verse in Psalms that really struck my spirit.

Psalm 143:10

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

The level ground part. That’s what struck me. How often in life do we all feel like we’re living an uphill battle? We struggle and strive to get ahead, to reach this place of fulfillment, and we often times feel as if we’re trying to paddle upstream. I think about the trout that swim up waterfalls to find their mate, and while it makes for fascinating television on the Discovery channel, I don’t think we are called the same as fish are. I don’t believe God has it for us to (always) swim upstream through life. I think He desires to place our feet on level ground.

Back to the whole “kingdom” mindset, I believe this is one practice that helps us remain on the straight path, incline excluded. I believe that as we focus on our life with a kingdom perspective, we won’t feel like we’re on a treadmill that keeps increasing the grade until we’re thrown off the back-end onto our butts. But how does one get a kingdom mindset?

Yes, there are many problems in this life that will be like a Mt. Everest we must climb, but there’s also the fact that we encounter mounds of sand that we see as insurmountable. The thing about sand is it’s here today, but gone tomorrow. The waves take it out to sea. If we can look at the sand castles and know they’re fleeting, we’re more able to focus on the lasting castles in God’s kingdom. What I mean is this. You can actually categorize things in your life into two categories.

Does it impact your eternity? Yes or no. Those two answers, while simple in nature, can cut down on much of the stress we experience in life. And while I know life isn’t black and white, for the most part you can absolutely take an eternal perspective on most problems. I recently told a friend, “if you keep beating your head against the wall where you are, struggling to make things work, then perhaps God has something different in mind for you.”

This comes back to the fact that God doesn’t have for us to fight and fight to enjoy this life. As we follow His will, He places us on level ground. Things just seem more in line when you’re following what God has for you, and if you’re confused as to what that is, go back to seeing things through an eternal perspective.

Are you fighting tooth and nail to climb the corporate ladder, spending more time away from family than at home? Ask yourself why. If it’s to grow wealth you can’t take with you, then consider that relationships with your spouse and children might be more beneficial. People say all the time they’re working all that overtime for their family, but most of the time it’s really for vacations, more financial security, or stuff (sand).

Are you angry at someone for wronging you? How does what they did impact your eternity? Nothing can separate you from Christ. But your unforgiveness can make you feel distant from the Lord. It also negatively impacts the object of your anger.

We have a tendency in this world to place too much importance on things that in no way affect God’s kingdom, and that’s fine to a degree. I mean, I really like tacos, and I know those have little to do with Heaven (although I secretly believe they’ll be there). What I’m saying is, God wants us to enjoy this life and the things that bring us happiness, but the problem comes when we place too much importance on those things.

So often we’re on uneven ground in life because we’re chasing the world and its pleasures. So often we feel it’s an uphill climb because we’re being drawn towards the idols we’ve placed (replaced God with) on the mountaintop. God’s will for you will never lead you to embrace so tightly things that take your eyes off Him. His good spirit will lead us to even ground.

My goal for this year, just like the year before, is to shift my focus from the fleeting things of this world to His face. My goal is to release worries over the things that don’t matter, and to focus more on the things that do. It’s to seek His word so that He can lead me to level ground. No uphill battles here, unless God’s leading me there.

Where God Guides, He Provides

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If not to testify to God’s goodness, then why else am I here? The last time I wrote something I shared my faith with you all, despite bleak circumstances. You can read it here if you missed it, but I’ll also give a brief recap. Basically, we decided to take more than a month off from my job to travel home for Christmas. I jokingly called it our sabbatical, but in all honestly, I really felt like it was in a way. I had never felt quite so strong about something as simple as a vacation, but I actually felt led by God to take this time.

It’s funny how the more you place your trust in Jesus, the more He delivers. I didn’t always pray about taking time off or whether I should buy my husband that expensive present, but if I’ve discovered anything over the past couple of years, it’s this.

God wants every part of our lives.

He doesn’t just want Sunday morning or the important, life-altering decisions like where to work or who to marry. He wants it all. The little things, the big things, the seemingly inconsequential. He wants our secrets, our deepest desires, and our hugest regrets. He can work with it all.

Over the years I realized that the more I released to the Lord, the more He took care of for me. It was hard to let some things go, whether I told myself He had enough to worry about without hearing about my insecurities, or whether I held tightly to the things I felt like I needed to control. For me, it was always the bank balance. That was the hardest load not to carry. I assumed it gave me peace and comfort to budget accordingly, but in all reality, it only added to my stress. Bills multiplied, stuff broke, and unexpected illnesses occurred. So, no matter how much I thought I had a handle on my checkbook, it always fell apart. There never seemed to be enough. Can you relate?

I did not tithe! I mean, I gave money to different charities, I supported local and international ministries, frequently, but I always had control of my giving. I gave when I felt like I had enough to give, but when it came to a regular, scheduled “here, God, you take this part right off the top,” I wasn’t good at that. I couldn’t relinquish that control. I knew when I had the money to give!

At the beginning of this year I felt the Lord pricking my heart to release that last bit of my life. I mean, I had already handed Him where we lived. We had been accepting travel positions based on where He led us to go work, and accepted them with a smile. Even if I got floated off my preferred unit at work, I smiled, because I trusted the Lord to give me the patients I needed to see that day. We trusted Him for our health, forgoing traditional health insurance, and instead utilizing a Christian medishare program if needed for medical expenses. I had given Him my fear, my anxiety too, and it was like He was saying, “okay, Brie, it’s time to loosen up the purse strings.”

Y’all, I put it off on my husband. I mean, he was the head of the household after all, and if he said something about tithing regularly, then we’d do it. So far, I controlled the entire budget. I paid the bills. I let him know what the available balance was. He didn’t even know the online banking password! If this guy, who never even thought about due dates and such, said something to me about giving to the church regularly, well, I’d take that as a sign.

You know what God did, right?! Yep, by the end of the week my spouse came out of left field with, “Brie, I think we should start tithing faithfully.”

Okay, God, got it, loud and clear. You see, tithing for me wasn’t about the money as much as it was about control. And I knew we weren’t necessarily giving money to the church because they really needed our money to make ends meet. God was telling us to tithe for what it would do in my heart and my relationship with Him. It was about letting go and letting God. It was about trusting Him for our provision. It was about believing He would provide what we needed, always, even when I could not see how. Some paydays I saw more debits due than the credits available. We had more bills than we had paycheck. It would be easy to not tithe those weeks, to say I’d pick it back up next time, but I refused. It wasn’t that it would hurt the church’s offering plate. It’s that it would hurt my faith. So, I gave even when I didn’t feel like we had it to give. I gave when my logic told me I shouldn’t. I gave, no matter what, because that’s what God told me to do.

Well, back to the present. He was telling me to take five weeks off work. It made zero sense to my budget-conscious self. We did not have the funds to do it. We could save up, scrimp, squirrel away, and whatever else, but logically it wasn’t wise to go that long without income coming in. Especially at Christmas! And two birthdays in December! And the gas mileage accrued when you haul 10,000 pounds of house across three states!

But God. Y’all, all I felt was peace. I should have been afraid, but I wasn’t. Where God leads, He provides, but not just financially. He also provides His peace. That’s how I knew we needed to come home for Christmas. Because, despite my brief concerns based on what I could budget and see in the natural, I knew with 100 percent certainty that we were doing His will. Why was it His will for us to take a month off in Mississippi? I’m still not totally sure. I’ve seen Him doing some things, but I’ve also learned you may not see clearly all that God is doing through you at any given time. You just trust. I knew this. I knew He wanted us to go, and I felt zero anxiety about the financial aspect of it.

The plans, though! Yep, I had made plans to save money. Yes, all my plans had fallen apart. Still, I trusted. I can’t really explain that except for the Holy Spirit. He sustained my faith. In the physical I saw disaster, but in my spirit I felt peace. So much peace, so little fear. Praise the Lord.

Well, the night after we arrived I was given a stack of mail from my aunt that had been delivered to her house. There was a lot of junk in there, but nestled in the bundle was an unexpected blessing. It was a large refund check that would adequately cover my time off work. We had not been expecting it at all. We had not known it was coming, but God did.

Bottom line, He told us to go. It didn’t make sense financially, but we knew it was His will, for whatever reason, so we followed. And we followed in faith. Through His wonderful mercy and grace, we followed in faith. It wasn’t our strength of faith, but rather Him at work in us. We simply allowed Him access to our hearts and every part of our lives. In turn, He controlled every aspect. I finally had let go of all control over finances in my life, and in turn He took over that part, far better than I ever could.

I suppose it’s easy to lose sight. We look around and can’t figure out how God will work it out, but He always has a way. Our job is to trust Him always, in all things. I could write a book about all the miraculous things He has done in our lives, but for now I share this one. I mark this place in our lives. This will forever be remembered as the Christmas that God paid the tab.

When Your Well-Made Plans Fall Through

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Proverbs 16:9 (NLV)

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.

This verse popped into my head last night, and I just had to laugh. It’s all I could do. I’ll be perfectly honest, though; at first I wanted to cry. All the plans I had made, and not a single one had panned out. In fact, each one, one by one had fallen through. Now what were we gonna do?!

A month off! Sounds good, but crazy, right?! I mean, it’s not like I had paid time off. It’s not even like we had some huge nest egg set back to pull from. Nope. All I had was certainty. I’ve stopped questioning my ability to hear from the Lord. When I feel Him leading me in a certain direction, well, I just go. I used to obsess back and forth, “is this really God’s will,” but I learned something pretty darn important. Are you ready for this nugget?

He’ll work it out regardless.

I’ve found that you often have to step out of your comfort zone to follow where God is leading. Sometimes we can use the excuse of “I’m not sure it’s God’s will” to keep us from doing something scary, and as a side effect we never experience the blessing he had in mind. It takes courage to hear from the Lord, but once you can trust that he’s speaking to you, especially in the big things, it will simply become second nature to follow him for the little things. It took me a while to grasp this. The great, grand conclusion is that even if you accidentally turn left when God says right, he’ll just have you bust a couple more lefts to get around the block.

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Anyway, back to my story. I had decided to take the month of December off work as a travel nurse. I felt like God was leading us to take that time. I felt it was a needed rest, a time of rejuvenation for my husband, and much needed communion with my loved ones beyond our immediate family circle. I felt I needed to take those five weeks off from work so strongly that I just made the decision and did it!

I remember telling a coworker, “I’m not sure we have the funds to take off all that time, but I’m walking it out in faith.”

Even though I knew in my heart God wanted us to take this sabbatical, and I knew he was our provider, you better believe I set out planning. And that’s a good thing. I’m a quarter fly by the seat of my pants, half map it out accordingly, and 1/4 let the chips fall where they may, after my map flies out the window. Which is exactly what happened.

I started by squirreling money away, telling the kids no, placing a freeze on eating out. All good things. I kept running through the numbers, like, repeatedly tallying debits versus credits, to the point that even I felt convicted.

“Sorry, Lord,” I’d say as I put my calculator down. “I just need to trust you on this.”

The numbers were there, though, and that honestly gave me peace to know we weren’t being total idiots. With our camping membership in play, the whole time back home with family would be a rent-free stay for our RV, and I even found parks along the route home that would be free or no more than $10 for the night. I was pretty proud of myself.

“Oh, I’m sorry hon,” the lady on the phone said. “There are no vacancies.”

And so it began. Every stop I had planned, didn’t go as planned. The park within our camping membership back home that promised a three week stay for free? Closed for the season. Not one single plan I made went as planned, and I’ve found that happens in this life. As much as I want to try and fix everything before it’s even broken, some things I just don’t have the knowledge to mend. But my Poppa does.

I told a friend last night, “if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past two years, it’s that it will work out.”

Y’all, God is faithful to those who trust in him. We certainly don’t deserve it, but he continues to pour out his great grace and favor over us. The past couple of years have been a faith-building journey of uncertainty, yet through it all God always made a way. Nowhere to stay? He would place something unexpectedly in our path. Good health, safety, and provision always given. If an unexpected repair came up, then the funds came through. We learned not to worry what our next step would be. We just kept our eye on our guide. Jesus. Always Jesus.

It’s like, the more I placed my trust in him, the more he supplied his favor. I said I laughed when I thought of that verse from Proverbs because I know God’s not done with me yet.

Last night I told the Lord, “well, I guess you’re not done showing me what all you can do.”

My faith isn’t perfect, y’all. Far from it. You better believe I got a little twitchy thinking about the extra funds needed for lot rent for the month of December, but then the Holy Spirit whispered that verse. See, besides being just okay at my faith, I’m also just an alright planner, but thankfully my all-knowing God’s got this. My plans can fall through, and I don’t have to sweat it, because my trust is in him. Where he leads, he provides, and in the end, that’s really all I need to know.

3 Steps to Experience the Miracles of Jesus in Your Life

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Don’t you love how you can read something in the Bible many different times, but it can suddenly speak something different to your heart than it ever has before? I used to think maybe I hadn’t paid as much attention to detail the first few times, but then I realized it was actually the Holy Spirit. You see, the Bible is a living word and Jesus speaks to us through it as he wills. I know this, but I still felt that feeling of awe when reading a familiar account recently. The feeding of the 5,000 in Luke is a Bible story taught to little children, but I felt like a youth when I read it yesterday. It spoke anew to me of the responsibility his disciples held in assisting Jesus to carry out the miracle. They had responsibilities, and it turns out, so do we.

If you aren’t interested in seeing Jesus work miracles in and through your life then stop reading now. Close out this link and continue on in your place of comfort, but if you’re eager for even just some crumbs from the Master’s table, then let’s break it down together.

1. Let go of your plan. You’ll notice that right away when the disciples saw a problem they started coming up with solutions. Practical solutions. Hey, I’ve discovered that miracles don’t typically appear practical, and it didn’t readily enter the minds of the disciples to ask for one. I’m sure we can relate.

Hungry crowd. Check. Can someone call Pizza Hut and see if they deliver out this far? But seriously, it says the twelve saw the crowd, went to Jesus and said, “hey, you probably better tell this mob to cut out and grab some grub” (ok, I’m paraphrasing, but you get me).

They saw the issue. Hungry crowd. They went for an obvious solution, albeit not the best. Sure, it may have been the easiest, but the crowd would miss the blessing if they left early to go find food. Turns out, the twelve would have missed their blessing as well.

See, for Jesus to do what he can do, we have to let go of our way. We have to forfeit our plans much of the time. We can’t go into prayer and say, “Jesus, I need you to do ______.” Instead we need to ask, “Lord, how should we solve this? What can you do in this hopeless, difficult situation? I know you have a plan.”

2. Obey. Ok, so when the disciples went to Jesus with the problem and solution (in their minds), he was quick to say, “you give them something to eat.”

You.

How many times has Jesus said “you” to one of us and we’ve answered back, “oh, not me, Lord. Someone else is far more qualified I’m sure.”

Do you remember the rich ruler who asked what he needed to do to follow Jesus? Christ gave him the answer, but it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He walked off disappointed, and Jesus wasn’t able to show him the miracles he could have worked in and through that rich man. He couldn’t obey. Jesus was asking too much.

If you’re wanting to see the Lord work in your life then you’re going to have to obey. Obedience isn’t a bad thing. It’s not God’s heavy-handed way of beating us down. It’s actually a practice in love. When my husband tells our daughters to stop when they’re about to run into a parking lot, he instructs them in love. He wants to keep them safe, he wants to bless them, and he wants them to live to see all the wonderful things this life has to offer. When he instructs, they obey. Their obedience to him is a service in love. They obey out of respect, but also because they know Dad has their best interests at heart. Much the same, if we’re wanting the best life has to offer, and especially if we want to see the Lord work mightily in our lives, we must learn to obey.

3. Step out.

Okay, I love this part of the story. Jesus says, “have them sit down in groups of about fifty each.”

Alright, so first off Jesus tells them this right after they had relayed they only had five loaves of bread and two fish. For five thousand men! And that’s just the men they were counting. What about the women and children?! I know my nine year old daughter could eat the two fish and at least a loaf and a half herself. Regardless of the huge number, Jesus pulls out of left field this rather odd picnic idea, with limited resources, and do you know what his gang of twelve do?

Now, they knew. Don’t forget, they knew he could do some stuff. They knew he worked miracles. The thing is, we as a church know Jesus can work miracles too, but somewhere between shouting hallelujah and stepping out personally we get cold feet. We say, “yeah, I believe Jesus still performs miracles,” yet we don’t believe he can work them through us. We assume he saves the miracle business for the truly pious, the preacher, maybe the neighbor who remembers to read their Bible every single day. But not us.

So, we miss the miracle. Maybe we’re afraid we’ll step out and it won’t work. It doesn’t say it in scripture, but I imagine one of those twelve, as they sheepishly instructed hungry, tired folks to sit in groups of fifty, like a kindergarten story time, I imagine one of them must have felt silly. Surely one of them wondered how their teacher was going to pull this one off. I’m sure there was some doubt, yet still they obeyed. Luke goes on to say they did it. They did as Jesus said. They sat everyone down. In groups of fifty at that. And do you know what happened?!

Everyone was fed. And they were satisfied.

So, I guess the question is, are you hungry? Are you craving to be filled with the healing, joy, fullness, and divine knowledge of Christ? If you are thinking “yes” then maybe it’s time to pop a squat and anticipate your share as Jesus breaks the bread of miraculous power in his hands, blesses it, and then passes it on to you. He’s got enough to go around. He just requires more people who will let go of their specific lunch plans, have a seat, and partake in the miracle provision he provides.

Why Do We Celebrate Anxiety?

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“Girl, I am so busy! I’m about to lose my mind!”

We make a joke, make light of the situation, while in reality we just went into the bathroom and cried. Have you noticed yet that we’ve become a society who wears busyness like a badge of honor? It’s as if the fuller our plate here on earth, the greater our reward one day will be. But to me that represents a merit based system the world has created rather than the grace we’ve been gifted. We end up building who we are on what we do, and I don’t think it’s supposed to be that way.

A man who goes to his job sun-up til sundown, 6-7 days a week is a “good provider.” To be a good mother we are convinced we must reach a certain plateau. Our children must be pristinely groomed in the latest fashion, ready for a photo op at a moment’s notice. You need the right brands, the right house, and the right vehicle. Success is equated with the size of your pocket book, and your Christianity is based on Sunday attendance or how many ways you donate. And while I’ll be the first to admit those things do have their importance, we’ve convoluted our thinking to assume they’re the most important.

Young moms are bringing their babies to Sunday service not because they crave the presence of Jesus and His worshipping church, but rather because it’s expected. They dress their tots in matching, monogrammed outfits not for their own pleasure, but rather to appear like their life is as presentable as their children’s wardrobes. We lose sight of the ragged appearance of the Gospel, like our piety holds precedence over the bloody scene on Calvary. Not to say we don’t need reverence, but when you place it above the cross you’ve elevated man before His Savior.

We become what we do. It’s all a show. There’s a parade of what a perfect life should be, and everyone is in line to put on their costume for the day. Every day becomes the same, a repetition of being who we think we need to be, not who we were meant to be. In other words, we’re allowing the world to direct our steps, and we’re pushing the will of God into the closet with the gift bags and tissue paper we hold on to for a rainy day. Do you really think the Lord is grading our performance?

God wants our love, and the world wants our distraction. If we get lost in becoming what we see on Instagram, we’ll miss who Jesus wants us to become. If we’re placing our importance on how many plates we can spin, we’ll forget who to cry out to when they fall. When our perfect world comes crashing down, we’ll be lost on how to pick up the pieces.

We worry, oh Lord, do we worry. We worry where our sustenance will come from. We place our trust in horses and chariots to win our wars, for its our savings account that saves us. It’s our insurance that ensures we’re taken care of. It’s our devotion to our clean homes, cleanly swept walkway, and community reputation that gives us our purpose. We shine our windows so the world can see the outward beauty we project, but the chimneys, those hidden, dark places are filthy with soot. Our hearts are corrupted, but our front yard is maintained. We can check the boxes of soccer mom and baseball dad, but meanwhile we’re sleeping in separate beds. We can throw the perfect holiday party, but our soul feels as dirty as the kitchen sink the day after. But at least our Christmas card looks professional.

We feed our satisfaction with shopping sprees and our worried mind with a bottle of wine, yet our souls are in torment; they are hungry. We’ve become a very anxious lot, and the craziest part is we assume that’s just how it’s supposed to be.

John 14:27 (NIV)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

We’ve become a very anxious people, and the enemy will tell us that is to be celebrated, as if the fuller your plate, the fuller your cup, but the problem really becomes what that cup is overflowing. Is it Jesus? No! It’s bitterness, anger, and discontent. It’s worry, depression, and a sense of unfulfillment. We think the fastest rabbit wins the race, and that’s why you see people on their deathbed, at the finish line, weeping in regret. The fastest runner doesn’t win, but the one who can enjoy and learn from the journey. Who even remembers how to stop and smell the roses?

We make funny memes about how the Holiday Season has us freaking out, and we laugh and laugh. Meanwhile our hearts are hurting. We end up on the other side of January wondering where the joy went, why it can’t be like it was when we were a child.

Have you ever wondered why those MLM companies are so successful? It’s not just whatever product they’re pushing. It’s the dream they’re selling. A dream to not have to run so fast. A dream that you can slow down, off-load your daily to-do’s, and enjoy not having to worry about money! Money… that root of all evil, yet it’s only evil because of the focus we allow it. I’m guilty. We all just miss the fact that peace is here for the taking, but we have to lay down the things that don’t matter. What we’ve really become is a culture that places our importance on everything but the Kingdom of God right here, right now in our lives. Yes, Jesus come quick, I agree, but we forget that He is here right now, in our hearts, yet hidden by worldly distraction.

I wonder if we can change? I wonder if we can stop assuming a fast-paced anxiety is the best we’ll get this side of eternity, if we can understand that freedom has already been won when Jesus died for us? He didn’t give His life for us to be slaves to time, our workload, commitments, and routine. Indeed, He’s freed us from that sin that so easily entangles us.

Maybe we can step out in freedom by laying life down. Gain more by letting go of it all. Take an inventory of our full plate, and pick today to scrap off the pieces that aren’t giving us life. Jesus has given us life, but also an abundant life, a life free from anxiety. The Bible instructs us to “fear not” 365 times, one for every day of the year. We fear the things we cannot change, yet many of those same things we can change by letting them go. We can stop celebrating anxiety and instead cast it down.

Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Investing in the Future

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Today I was going through an app that allows me to see pictures I posted on social media from the time I had a smartphone, and as I was swiping left I came across a cherished photo. It was a black and white shot of my firstborn from six years ago, and I felt a bittersweet ache in my heart that got stuck as an emotional lump in my throat. As I gazed at the precious memory my eldest girl walked up.

Y’all, my child has gotten so tall, and when I saw her standing over my lounge chair poolside, in contrast to the tiny, chubby-cheeked babe on my phone, I was struck straight through the heart, as if an arrow representing the swift passage of time had pierced through to my marrow.

The most peculiar part, to me, was that I didn’t remain melancholy over how fast it all goes. Instead I felt a sense of contented joy, like everything was progressing as it should. I had zero regret for the things I should of/could of done, and though I wasn’t claiming a perfect parenting plan, I was pleased with our journey thus far. I didn’t feel so much like it was a cruel, fleeting season, but rather one I was savoring with vigor.

When I first became I mother I realized it was my greatest responsibility and most enjoyable tasking of life. I quickly discovered I wanted nothing more than to leave my nine to five and find a way to mother more. I was blessed at the time to find a position at my hospital where I could work less and be home more with little financial difference. Cause, come on, although a lot of men and/or women desire to see their children more, it doesn’t seem like it can always work out that way. I never took for granted the opportunity I had been afforded to spend time with my children while also working as a bedside nurse.

As life changed and seasons followed suit, I found circumstances altered, but my greatest goal never changed. Here’s what I didn’t want. I didn’t want other people raising my babies. They were my reward, and I didn’t want to hand that prize to another. But more than that, they were my legacy, my responsibility (which I took very seriously), and the ministry God had given me for this particular time of my life. I knew that my largest and most monumental heart desire was to be able to instill in my children the things I had been unaware of until adulthood. I wanted to raise them wholly aware of God’s hand in their life, and I desired to equip them with the wisdom of knowing they were not alone in the battles they faced. I needed them to see firsthand how joy-filled a life serving the Lord could be. I wanted them to have the opportunity to see things it had taken me forty years to discover.

This hefty, utmost knowledge I knew couldn’t be passed along in a thirty minute Sunday School lesson. It was something that must be instilled, but also modeled. It was something I had to walk out, showing them daily, and I wanted to be able to do it. As parents, my husband and I have made sacrifices to maintain our goals. We have downsized and let go of materialistic treasures, in favor of investing in what we consider our Heavenly Treasure. Our babies. To gain time with them we had to let go of the things that stole our time from them. I’m grateful we were given the desire and insight to make this work.

Not that I’ve obtained it yet, like, where I totally want to be, but I can look backwards and see improvement over time. Heck, a mere two-three years ago I was stuck in the hamster wheel too. I was running ragged, overbooking my schedule, over-extending myself, and sadly teaching my children that was normal. We were always going, rushing, and trying to fill commitments that weren’t necessary. Laundry was a chore, grocery shopping grueling, and the supper-time crunch exasperating. Why we call this normal, I’ll never know. I guess because it’s the way it’s always been, but with the addition of everyone critiquing our lives as we narrate them, or coveting how smoothly someone else’s story appears.

Thankfully, I can now proceed without regret, knowing I’m investing the most in what matters most. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on my children’s childhood. I have a ringside seat to their life. We homeschool largely in part because of our desire to not miss the majority of their life. I saw a story recently of schools possibly extending their hours. Can you imagine?!

We found an area of the country where we can work less but make a larger income, and on top of that we found a way to cut down our expenses. It was scary leaving our comfort zones, but totally worth it in the end. As the world gets faster and the focus convoluted, I see more people choosing to do things the way we are doing. Downsizing, minimalizing, and seeking opportunities to focus on family more. I’m thankful we realized it’s okay to step outside of the norm and pursue something different. Almost every day I see people voice their unhappiness with the pace of their life or with the lack of quality time with loved ones.

I guess I would just say to every discontented parent, “you can do it!” If you’re not happy with life, change it. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Don’t be worried about what other people think, and don’t be scared to fail. You will never know if your life can improve if you stay stuck in your rut. Break out.

Maybe you’re happy with the way things are. That’s wonderful! But if you’re not consider this post your call to duty. It’s time to invest in what’s important in life, and it’s the people you love. I took care of a patient once who was on his death bed. In pleasant conversation I had told his wife about my life, how I traveled in an RV with my family, homeschooling, working a little, and having fun a lot. She was intrigued and enamored, as most people are, but I’ll never forget her words.

“I wish we had done that.”

You see, they had wanted to travel as a family, but they had waited. They waited until things settled down. They waited until a certain season passed. They waited until Junior finished school. Then they waited until retirement. One month into traveling her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

“It’s too late now,” she had said.

Consider this your wake up call, your sign, if you will. Don’t wait another minute to follow your dreams and spend time doing what you love. You just think there’s no way out, but there’s always another way. It may involve sacrifice, and it might be frightening. People may try and talk you out of it, but I am encouraging you to try anyway. You will never know unless you take that step, and you’ll only regret what you didn’t do.

I Never Did Mind the Little Things

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I turned to throw a used cotton-ball into the tiny, bathroom trashcan, and I suddenly noticed the huge ball of long gray hair. It sat on the outside of the swinging door entrance to the garbage, and I easily identified it as my husband’s since the rest of us were all crowned with differing shades of dirty dishwater blond. I could picture him standing in the small bathroom, running his fingers through his long, more salt than pepper hair, before gathering it into a tidy ponytail, and flinging the loose hairs that had caught between his digits towards the trash absently. Sigh. This was my husband.

I easily and quickly pushed the wad of forgotten hair into the awaiting can, while also depositing there any hint of frustration that had tried to rear it’s ugly head.

I never did mind the little things.

I smiled to myself as the line of a nineties movie staring Bridget Fonda came to mind. In the film she had been a thief turned government assassin, who subsequently had to be turned from a crack addict criminal into a lady of refinement (ain’t Hollywood grand), and her etiquette coach had encouraged her that when nervous to repeat the phrase to herself to remain calm.

I never did mind the little things.

Although I wasn’t hiding behind a small, kitchen counter loading my beretta while gunfire exploded around me like our dear Bridget, I could certainly relate to my emotions getting the better of me. And though it wasn’t my life I feared for, it was my marriage and family. Even though I couldn’t see the bullets blowing up around me, I knew that fiery arrows flew in my direction. As a child of God I knew it wasn’t flesh and blood I battled, but attacks from an enemy who sought to destroy the covenant of marriage. One very effective weapon of warfare in his arsenal was the missile of comparison and the smoke bomb of selfishness. As silly as it may sound, he brought both of those things stealthily into the atmosphere of marriage to create an air of discontent and division.

I never did mind the little things.

My defense was my ability to not take offense. In other words, when I felt nudged to selfishly compare myself to my spouse, I had to take inventory.

I had to ask myself, “is this really worth being bothered by?”

I had to remember my faults and not just highlight my husband’s.

My husband and I will have been married ten years this month, and I learned early on that we had our differences. Things I felt were important weren’t as much to him, and things that bothered me didn’t cause him concern at all. As we’ve grown as a couple over the years we have learned how to take the feelings of the other into consideration and act/react accordingly, but it’s not like we’ve changed who we are. We’ve become more loving, considerate, and selfless in our service to one another, but it’s not like we took a magic potion to suddenly become the perfect spouse. He wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t perfect, but most importantly, we didn’t expect that of each other.

A widow will tell you how she pines to find her late husband’s laundry outside of the basket. For the very things we may find at one moment as annoying are the very things someone else could only hope for. A dirty dish beside the bed is far better than a forever empty sink. It comes down to having a choice to make in your relationship. You can choose to focus on the minuscule madness or see it all as a beautiful mess. You can point out the idiosyncrasies of your spouse while ignoring your own, or you can celebrate having someone to share in the ups and downs of life. I’m not saying you ignore blatantly inconsiderate actions, silently taking abuse like some marital martyr, but I am suggesting we take a moment to calm our emotions and take an inventory of what is most important.

I never did mind the little things.

Is being right every time the most important? Is it winning every argument? Is it never picking up the slack when your partner doesn’t carry their fair share of the load, assuming that you yourself never falter in such a way?

If you answered yes to the above then marriage will not be enjoyable to you much of the time, because instead of a partnership, you’re viewing it as a competition.

Perhaps a happy union means that you decide to let the little things go. Maybe it means serving someone in love while expecting nothing in return. I think it involves changing your perspective, highlighting the positive, rather than magnifying the minor faults that arise. I don’t see a ball of discarded hair or a pile of dirty clothes as much as I see a loving man who makes me feel beautiful always, who serves me consistently, who teaches and disciplines our children with grace, who would lay down his very life for us.

I never did mind the little things.

Because I’m too focused on the big things. I see to the heart of the matter rather than being distracted by the things of this world. I don’t expect perfection of my spouse. The only perfect man died for me over 2,000 years ago. But I will appreciate the man God has placed in my life to love me, my faults included. I’ll be thankful he adores me despite those same faults. I’ll be grateful that he too never did mind the little things.

When Jesus Tells You to Put Out Deep

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I come from a long line of fisherman; not by trade, but certainly not just for pleasure. What I mean is, my kinfolk wanted to catch something when they went fishing. My grandpa was known for his ability to reel in a huge haul even when others couldn’t get a bite. He took pride in knowing the waters, what time the fish were biting, and what bait best caught which fish. He was an expert at his trade, and he knew how to always bring home a full basket of fish.

Me? I didn’t inherit that specific skill. It’s not that I didn’t like fishing. I quite enjoyed it. I just wasn’t that great of a fisherwoman. I’d go home empty handed a lot, but it didn’t really bother me. See, I didn’t so much want to catch fish as much as I just liked fishing. I can think back on sweet Summer afternoons, a book in hand, draping the line between my bare toes, so if I got a tug I’d know. I was too busy reading to watch my bobber, and as you can imagine, I got my bait stolen more than not.

Not catching a big bass or catfish was just fine for me sitting out on the lake across from where I grew up, but when you start talking about bigger fish, well, it’s a different story. This morning I was reading in the Book of Luke about some guys who fished for a living. In fact, these fellas had been fishing all night. The bad part was they weren’t catching anything. They had the boat, they had the net, and they certainly had the desire, but their haul for this particular excursion had been paltry.

Suddenly, though, Jesus offers them a specific instruction, and when I read it the words were like an electric shock up my spine.

Jesus had instructed, “put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” (Luke 5:4 ESV)

It got me to thinking… Jesus was telling me to put out deep.

How many times are we in that boat, we have the desire to do God’s will, and we even have the right equipment, but we can’t seem to net a result? Perhaps it’s because we haven’t yet put out into the deep.

Y’all, there is nothing wrong with the shallow end. I like it, personally. It’s safe. You don’t get tired from treading water, and you can always see the bottom. The shallow end is known, comfortable, and you get plenty wet swimming there. But I’ve found that sometimes to really swim you have to go out to the deep end. To catch fish you have to stop being distracted and pay attention. You just do. And if Jesus is telling you to go deeper, you won’t be satisfied until you do.

Almost two years ago Jesus told me and my husband to go out deep. I even wanted to do it, too, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t scary. A lot of people we loved tried to talk us out of it. They didn’t want us to drown, and I get that. We just knew that Jesus wanted us to fill His nets more than we could do in the shallow end.

We had to leave the familiar town, jobs, and family support systems we knew. In fact, just to make sure we didn’t get cold feet, the Lord pushed us into the deep. He took away the security of the familiar, forcing us to step out in the move He had placed on our hearts. We left a failing business in search of better employment, but that doesn’t mean we could see the bottom. The deep can be murky. Faith keeps you swimming.

We traveled a thousand miles with a pickup truck of suitcases, and a reservation at an extended stay hotel. It was the size of our previous living room, and the rent almost three times our mortgage back home!

I questioned, “how could this be God’s Plan?!!”

But still He whispered, “let out into the deep.”

Y’all, I had scoured the internet prior to leaving for Florida and I couldn’t find anywhere to house a family of five within our budget. The housing assistance with my travel company was no help. They quoted me a $13,000 bill for a three month lease with what they found! No one wanted to do a short lease, or they were charging more than I could afford. It was so much more/worse than I had bargained for, and after another fruitless day I had broken down into hopeless tears. I couldn’t for the life of me fix this particular problem, and that’s when I knew deep down in my Spirit that I had to stop trying.

So, we had left our home with no concrete housing solution. We had enough money in the bank (from selling all of our possessions) to last in that hotel maybe a month. Still we put out deep. We knew that’s where we would net what God had for us.

Have you ever experienced one of those crazy coincidences, like, where one step leads to another? I don’t believe in luck or coincidences, but I do believe in a faithful God. Within a week and a half of housing my family in little more than a broom closet, in the worst section of downtown Orlando, God led me in one specific direction for a housing solution. Of the thirty people I emailed, one replied. She replied to tell me she couldn’t accommodate us, but she did have a suggestion of someone who might could. That suggestion led us to not only a bigger space, but one that was in a safe area, in a gated community, at 1/4 of the price we had been paying, with our own yard and a community pool. I had exhausted every ounce of what I knew to do, but God led us exactly to what we needed. And it ended up being better than anything we could have manufactured on our own.

Many times God has exactly the answer we need. He has the exact solution to our dilemma, but He cannot present His solution until we put out into the deep. He cannot throw us a lifesaver until we leave the safety of the shore. We’re crying for a catch, but we’re refusing to let down our net. We’re not happy with splashing around in the kiddie pool, yet we’re afraid to cross the rope into the deep end.

He’s saying, “let down into the deep.”

We weren’t happy, you see. Back then. We weren’t happy with the way things were, we wanted something different, and we wanted God to lead us to new things. But we were also hesitant.

We’ve been fishing all night and haven’t caught a thing!

That’s what Simon said. But then he remembered what He knew about Jesus. He decided, well, if He says do it, then I’ll do it. I’ll let my nets out again, but deeper this time. I’ll trust that what He instructs me to do will work, even though I’ve already done everything I know to do.

Y’all, God is still calling us deeper. Each day we become aware of more areas of our life where we’ve been trying to do it on our own, but it hasn’t been netting the results we desire. We’re realizing that we have to keep putting out into the deep. It’s still scary, but the thing is, we’ve seen the kind of fisherman Jesus is. He does it for pleasure and for the fruit. He gets joy from the harvest. When you let down where He leads, trusting His instruction and provision, the result is always more than your boat can hold!

This post alone cannot hold all the specific, miraculous instances where God provided for us financially, protected us physically, or sustained us emotionally through the last two years. It’s been amazing, and subsequently we’ve become stronger swimmers. Listen, I’m not saying you have to follow our lead, sell all your possessions, and take off to new places. But I am suggesting this. If you’ve been praying for a change or asking God for something in particular, and you’re just not seeing any result, perhaps ask yourself if He is calling you to let out into the deep. Ask yourself if He is calling you to trust Him deeper, get to know Him further, seek Him at new depths, or simply to stop thrashing about in the waves like He’s not able to save you. The thing is, when Jesus tell you to put out deep, you need to be ready to drop your net.