Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

The Scars That Don’t Fade

by 4 Comments

Three years ago. Wow. Looking at the black and white photo of my face, I feel… empty. Sometimes emotions are like that. It’s not a void of emotions, but rather an onslaught. Too many to comb through and pick just one.

This week the hospital I’m at put out a policy stating we didn’t have to wear masks anymore. After three years of wearing them constantly! After a shift without one, I felt so strange. Every time I rose from my computer I felt naked. I felt as if I was doing something wrong. I felt afraid, even. Like, shouldn’t I wear it anyway?! I saw other nurses with their masks still on the full, twelve hours. My comrades who remembered.

I cannot explain the emotions to you if you weren’t there, but I’ll try. It’s trauma in its purest form. I told my therapist that it reminded me of the pain I had seeing armless, legless, faceless Marines come into my care as a Navy Corpsman. It wasn’t war three years ago, like it had been in Iraq, but in a way it was. It felt that way. So many of my friends, family, and acquaintances couldn’t wait for masks to be a memory, but for the beside, ICU nurses, they were more than paper. They were more than a mandate. They were life. And that sounds silly saying it out loud, yet we clung to what we hoped would protect us.

In the beginning of the pandemic, we saw far too many people die. At the beginning, it seemed like they all died. My ICU at the time kept track of the deaths, and in nine months I saw 263 slip away. It did not matter what we did to try and make them stay.

263 doesn’t seem like a lot of people if you’re looking at national averages or through a political lens, but to those who wore respirators, goggles, gowns, and gloves, it’s too many. Each patient had a name, they were loved, and they were missed. They weren’t allowed to stay on an earth where people would become angry at a medical community trying to help. If they were, would they have stood up for men and women like me who only wanted the lucky folks outside of the trenches to believe us when we said it was bad?! I think so.

I think the immigrant, with frightened eyes, rapid breathing, and no understanding of the English language would have managed, to translate, “they saved me!” But he can’t, because we didn’t. He was my first, personal death to Covid-19.

So many would follow. The guy who through struggling gasps would tell his wife via phone, “I’ll talk to you soon,” had been the end of me. I had made eye contact with a fellow nurse, through perspiration and plastic shielding, eye contact that agreed sadly on a mental level, “no, sir, you won’t.” And he didn’t. I couldn’t take it as personal anymore after that. I just went on auto. We all did. Doing all the things, that meant nothing to combat that virus, and meant even less to communities who said we were stretching and fabricating the numbers.

It hurts too much to say much more. By the time other strains were rapidly killing middle-aged people like myself, I had completed insulated myself from a world that rolled its eyes at me. Yet, I still tried to help. I can remember trying to convince the man, three years my junior, why he needed to prone to get his oxygen levels up, while he groaned in broken, struggling exhalations that Covid wasn’t real.

I’m glad things are better now (in terms of virology), and we can finally have the option to drop the masks that protected us. But in someways, some things are worse. The pandemic didn’t just kill fathers, sons, mothers, daughters, and friends; it killed the community of togetherness that had helped so much in my previous, frontline battles after 9/11. Where did those people go? The ones who said, together we are better, and we can stand against this. It was replaced by factions. Factions made up of those who three years later are hesitant to drop a mask because of the things they saw, and those who never would wear them anyway, because they didn’t see the things I can’t forget.

The scars on my nose and cheeks faded, but the other wounds, they’re incredibly harder to dull away.

When They Don’t See You. Not Even Close.

by 2 Comments

I’ve discovered something as I’ve gotten older, especially in the last year or so. It’s that most people cannot see me. It’s not that I’m invisible, or even in relation to my introverted nature. It’s not that they don’t see the physical body standing there, or even the smiling pictures I place on social media. I guess the best way to put it is, most people see the surface me. They see the surface you. Or even better, they see you through lenses tainted by their own personal experiences.

The fact is, most people won’t see you, and they likely never will, even if you try to make them see. They’ll see you as a mother based on their experiences as a mother, and they’ll judge your actions based on those experiences, rather than the very real and deep experiences that cause you to make the decisions you make. They simply can’t see the “why” of you. The why you are who you are, and the way that changes everything moving forward.

Everyone is an expert. They’re an expert on everything from parenting to pet care, housework to home improvement. They’re the know-it-all of communicable diseases and even the hidden ailments you cannot easily see, like depression, anxiety, or chronic pain. The knowers and seers of all things under the sun are also usually the speakers and proclaimers, quick to share their knowledge. Sadly, this knowledge is based on what they see of themselves, rather than what they see in you. They can’t see you.

I’ve discovered that experiences shape us. They also break us. But in the collection of the broken pieces, we form who we are to become, gluing and molding new perceptions, future decisions, and perhaps even the ability to see beyond our own cracked veneer to that of another. In other words, to see someone beyond ourself. To see beyond a singular view of life.

Yesterday I had a peer inquire about my family. It was born of caring concern, and she said something that rang true with my own life experiences. She shared a quote from a friend of hers.

The woman had said, “I’d rather have my child above ground, as he is, than below ground, according to my own desires.”

This speaks to the center of seeing. We see, like scripture states, through a glass darkly, or only in part. And when we try and see others, we only see in part. Or, we see darkly, shaded by the assumptions of our own experiences. As the quoted woman above, when it came to her child, she was faced to see not through her own desires, expectations, or beliefs, but to see through lenses that gave life and gave it to the full.

So, how do we see? How do we see others? The truth is, we usually simply see others as ourselves. We say, “well, here’s what I think,” or “here’s what I’d do,” but both of these are inaccurate when seeing others. Just the use of “I” should be enough to make it obvious, but then I guess there are the people who go as far to say, “you should _______,” but even then, aren’t they suggesting what they would do? Again, they’re not seeing you, they’re not seeing me. They’re seeing themselves.

So often, when I pray to God, I thank Him that He’s the God who sees me. Yes. He’s the God who knows me. He knows the heart of me. He knows what I’ve been through, the traumas I’ve faced, and what has shaped me to make the choices I make. He created me in His image, but He sees beyond who He created me to be, into why I am who I am, how the world has influenced that, and how He may love me best to help me become the best version of me, created in His image. Otherwise, wouldn’t God have created carbon copies without free will, insight, or the ability to learn and grow? He sees and loves, uniquely to each one of us.

I know I make decisions that others may not, and I know it’s hard for some not to make that known, but I consistently have to remind myself that not everyone sees me. They only see the version of me that they want me to be, or the version of me if I were them. The problem with this is you cannot see why I’m me, why I make the decisions I do, or what brought me to that place.

I try to remember, that until I have walked in your shoes, suffered your pain, or felt deeply the loss only you can feel, I can’t see you. I can try, but it’s only in part. I can’t see you, and you can’t see me. We just see a portion of a whole.

When my heart breaks at cruel words, I have to remember, “they don’t see. They don’t know why. They don’t feel the heartache, or understand the happiness that comes after.” They just don’t.

When someone says things like,

“Well, I’d never cheat on my husband…”

“No way I’d let my kid do that…”

“I think any caring parent should have known their child was suicidal…”

“How can he let her treat him that way…”

“Why can’t she just pray for healing and get out of her head…”

“I’d just be grateful for a good paying job…”

“But he’s a really good provider…”

“I’d whoop my kid’s tail…”

“No way I’d take that…”

“Doesn’t she realize all she has to be thankful for…”

“No way I’d wear that…”

“Didn’t their momma teach them better…”

“Today’s generation doesn’t know how good they got it…”

“Those people have no clue how hard it is now…”

Are you seeing the trend? Vision is impaired when it’s through self inspection. Sadly, the vast majority don’t see me. Not the deep, secret, sacred parts. They are the parts that I toil over, not making decisions lightly. They are the parts that are no one’s business but my own, my family’s, and the God we serve. My therapist told me recently that the opinion of others should be weighed on its proximity. What a friend says will differ greatly from what a stranger on the internet says. What a relative says will have less impact than what my husband says. He’s in my circle. If anyone can see the most of me, it’s him. We all have that circle of trust and love, and the thoughts, words, and actions of those beyond it shouldn’t impact us as greatly as we allow it. We must remind ourselves that the further the ring of splashed water extends, the less the ripple. I feel the rock tossed upon my waters, but the person on the shore may never see the effects of that stone’s throw. They cannot see me. They cannot see you. And it’s a good reminder for us all to take little notice to our hearts regarding the opinion of those who cannot see.

What Do I Have to Be Thankful For?!

by

I baste the bird, liquid butter with bits of garlic poured out over the bulging breasts of our Thanksgiving turkey. My eyes burn as I go about the task, gritty from lack of sleep after sitting in the psych hold of the local ER all night, but more so still on fire after so many torrents of tears spent. Rivers of tears over driving to the hospital with my child, but leaving without them.

Thanksgiving, a time to reflect on the gifts we have been given. Opting to celebrate the holiday early since I’d spend the actual day at work, I had planned to put the turkey in the oven at 2am. But it turns out that at 2am I was tossing and turning in a rigid recliner pulled alongside my son’s stretcher, wrapping a blanket tighter around my ears to cushion the sound of nurses’ laughter or the cursing screams from the head-banging, combative neighbor next door.

How many times have I cried to the Lord, “am I doing the right thing? Give me wisdom!”

I slide the buttery bird back in its heated cave. We have to eat, right?! The planned dinner, with side dishes still sitting at the ready in the refrigerator, prepped the preceding night, before I knew what lay ahead. What were we actually celebrating, anyway?!

In the lone room of the child and adolescent inpatient wing, sitting in an abnormally large, yet childlike chair, I wept into my wrinkled sweatshirt while they searched my baby in another room for hidden objects that could cause self harm. I cried out to my inner thoughts, “please tell me I’m doing the right thing!”

Today could have started very differently, it occurred then to me. I wasn’t simply thinking about an appetizing spread ready on the dining room table by noon. I was thinking of trying to wake my son to eat, but instead of being greeted by his sleepy grumbles, being confronted with his cold, blue flesh. That is how today could have started.

Instead… instead, the Holy Spirit had prompted him to come to me.

“I have to tell you something,” he said, after sitting criss-cross, apple sauce on the bathroom floor, “but I’m afraid it will make you sad.”

“You can tell me anything!”

Thankfully, he did.

What a week it’s been. Last week brought frightening messages while I worked, of feeling disconnected and unreal, a stranger in another’s body. Walking out in the cold rain just to feel something, anything.

Two nights ago brought self-harm, six horizontal cuts on his left, inner calf, driven to “scratch a nagging itch” that refused to abate until the damage was done.

I’ve always considered us blessed that Noah feels so comfortable coming to us about everything, but even I was surprised by the extremely detailed plan of suicide he had concocted, and shared with me in the bright lights of our bathroom last night. He had planned on waiting until we were all asleep, ensuring we would be none the wiser until finding his body this morning.

I pull the browning bird out at determined intervals, coating its skin with flavorful moisture. What do I have to be thankful for?! As I prepare a meal of Thanksgiving, sans my firstborn present. He is not here, but he will be.

He is not at the table today, but he will be for all the tomorrows. My baby is alive, and after facing the plan to end Thanksgivings forever, and Christmases to boot, he decided to stay. To reach out for a lifeline, to feel better, to cling to that thread of hope that must still be there somewhere. I have a lot to be thankful for.

It didn’t feel that way as I left him at the hospital. He cried, “don’t leave me,” and I probably would not have had the staff not ushered me away. Gosh, y’all, this is hard. It’s hard to spend a year trying to pull your baby out of darkness, and finally realizing you cannot do it alone. It’s hard trying to do your best, to make the right decisions, to follow the advice of the many mental healthcare professionals invested in your child’s future, yet still feeling like a piece of your innermost being is lost in a dark forest of sadness and dismay. Can I leave breadcrumbs to bring him back? Is there a way back to the happy child I remember? Can I feel peace amidst so much turmoil? Maybe that’s the real breadcrumbs in the stuffing we will eat. Peace knowing that we are not alone.

In fact, that is the last thing I whispered to Noah before I had to leave, “you are not alone.”

Happy Anniversary!

by

I recently was talking to Noah in the car about relationships. He was telling me how he didn’t mind being alone, spending time by himself. He shared about enjoying fictional characters in shows he favored or books he liked, over the company of strangers.

I could relate. As an introvert, I have always been the same. Growing up I had one, good friend, and that was enough for me. I preferred the company of one, genuine relationship over the company of many. Even as I grew into adulthood, I was very selective in my friendships. I mean, life had shown me how cruel girls can be. I preferred an afternoon alone with a good book than an evening out with acquaintances who didn’t really know me, or care to see the real me. The hard truth was people could hurt you, badly. They could misunderstand you, never seeing your true heart. I think that’s where Noah was coming from that day. But the truth is, we are all made for relationship.

I explained to him that I understood his feelings and preferences, as they were mine also, but I reminded him to not close himself off from the people or person who did exist out there. I encouraged him that his tribe, his best friend was out there somewhere, and to have an open heart for that experience. I reminded him of his father and me.

I mentioned my introverted nature above, and it still holds true. I will chat up the grocery store clerk who looks like they’re having a bad day, and I will easily spill my life story to the family member of one of my critical care patients, as we exist in that environment of trying times and intimate illness, but I have trouble desiring a girls’ night out. It sounds exhausting. I’ve come to discover, though, that true relationships are not exhausting. They’re actually quite the opposite. They’re a breath of fresh air in the monotony of a routine life, and they’re the comforting embrace when trouble comes. They’re covenant, a promise to be there, without expectation, but only in unconditional love.

I reminded Noah of the gift I have in my husband. I said, “a good relationship does require both people giving 100% of themselves to it, but a great relationship doesn’t require hard work. It just is.”

I went on to share how Ben and I can simply exist together. We can be in a room together, and never feel the expectation to speak wondrous words, yet simply feel the peace of being near one another. That’s not to say we don’t talk about everything; we do, but there’s not the insistence to be all the things for the other. We simply are those things. Had I given up on that type of friendship, I would never have found my other half.

And that is truly what we are. I fell asleep last night telling Ben that he was the other part of me. He was my gift from God. I had never felt the way I do about him for another human being. We are one in everything, built together in Christ, and loving one another in this perfect way I never knew existed until we came to be.

I told Ben that I don’t take our relationship for granted. I know it’s this amazing thing, something not all marriages experience, sadly, and I thank God for him each day. Every day with him gets better. When my world feels like it’s falling apart, he holds me close, reminding my heart what it already knows. God is with me. He understands my mood swings, as I understand his too. He expects nothing from me but my love, but he always appreciates the way I show that love in the natural. As I do with him.

He’s selfless. He cares for me in ways that are inconvenient for him, I’m sure, yet he enjoys the sacrifice. As I do with him. He doesn’t expect me to be the woman he would dream of me to be, but through his unconditional love I become the woman he could never fathom me to be. And vice versa. We expect flaws, and we forgive each other their faults, while also celebrating their strengths. He is my biggest supporter, and I’m his personal cheerleader.

Today we celebrate 13 years of marriage. Words can never express how happy I am to be his wife, and again, vice versa. He tells me so. Wink, wink. I don’t understand how each day together gets better, and I can’t explain how my heart so full of love for him continues to fill with more, but it does. I told him last night, 100 years of marriage wouldn’t be enough. He is my person, my best friend, my anchor in unsteady seas, and the very best part of me. I loved him then, I love him now, and I will love him forever. I am so thankful for us. I pray my children will know the true love of Jesus through our covenant we share as husband and wife, and most importantly, seeing Christ at the center of us.

Happy Anniversary, to my best friend, my lover, and the other piece of me.

Love the Sinner, Not the Sin? My Journey with Homosexuality.

by

I recently received a comment on my most recent blog post, where I had detailed the experience of my transgender son. I must say, the comment was written so kindly and compassionately, which I truly appreciated. In fact, it reminded me of something I might have written five years ago; I’ve always been the loving kind. I realized I wanted to respond the best I could to this comment, but that I also had a lot to unpack to answer it thoroughly. Hence, I’ve decided to write about my journey as a Jesus-loving, charismatic, Evangelical Christian, who has come to support and affirm the LGBTQ community.

I could regurgitate things I’ve read from other authors who support the LGBTQ community, but that would not be genuine nor authentic. In fact, it would be no better than the people who reject LGBTQ, by spouting off the things they’ve learned, been taught, or read throughout the years. Instead I want to tell you my personal journey, my thoughts, and how I went from one place to another over time. I will share links to articles or sermons I’ve found helpful, but overall this is simply me putting my heart out there for you. Please try not to trample it too harshly, and provide me some grace as I try and explain.

Love the sinner, not the sin. This is a phrase I’ve always heard, and one I used to ascribe to as totally credible. But now, I’m not so sure how that works. I cannot seem to reconcile how you love someone completely and unconditionally, yet simultaneously tell them that their feelings, desires, and sense of self are wrong, and an abomination to their Father who loves them.

I think I first really started questioning the topic of homosexuality from a Christian point of view around three years ago. I can recall watching Grey’s Anatomy with my husband, and two men were kissing. He exclaimed, “ughh. Gross.”

I replied, “I don’t think you should say that sort of thing. If the children are in the room, especially. We don’t want the kids associating gay people with the idea of disgusting.”

He was convicted, and very quickly agreed with me it was wrong. I never heard him say anything like that going forward. See, we both knew that all human beings are created by God, and worthy of being ascribed as such. To label, name call, or use derogatory terms to an individual is not ascribing worth to them as a beloved child of God. Listen, my husband is a great guy, but looking back, I think responses like those were built into his character over time due to environmental factors. If you exist in an environment where homosexuality is seen as wrong, against God, and abnormal, it’s hard not to have bias. I’ll just say this… I believe my husband and I have both grown drastically in the past few years, and in a positive direction.

But back to my questioning. Noticing the negative behavior of others towards LGBTQ ran parallel to my soul searching for how exactly a Christian was to respond. I definitely loved the “sinner,” but I wasn’t sure how I could love someone and say, “what you’re doing is wrong. It is not of God. The way you feel is an abomination.”

Because, if the sexual and romantic attraction gay people felt wasn’t from God, then where did it come from? The devil? How did you go about explaining to someone their innermost desires were demonic? The whole thing just didn’t coincide for me. I couldn’t wrap my head around how the Jesus I was so close in relationship with would want such a large percentage of people feeling helpless, hopeless, and worthless.

First, I believe gay people are born that way. You can speak with them and discover their same-sex attraction came in childhood, and it’s a falsehood that some sort of abuse or trauma has always occurred to bring about these feelings. I have spent many hours reading peer-reviewed, scientific research from accredited sources that document the numerous hormonal functions occurring in utero that develop gender identity and sexual attraction. The body is far too complex to place it into the neat little boxes we did before anatomical and physiological knowledge advanced to the current degree. But even if you don’t want to read and learn about the processes at play in the womb to determine sexual orientation, a simple thought occurred to me. Why would anyone choose to be the target of judgment, hatred, bigotry, and violence? As a child growing up in a Christian home especially, why would said child make a decision that ostracized them from friends, family, and the faith they enjoy? They don’t.

So, let’s keep going. Let’s say a child discovers at a young age they have same-sex attraction. Let’s say they are raised in a Christian home, and they are raised and taught that same-sex attraction is a big, no-no sin. Where does this child go from here? How do they proceed going forward?

Many will keep their sexual orientation a secret, for fear of losing relationships. Many become depressed, anxious, suicidal, and actively self-harm. This was my child at the beginning of 2022.

My trans son had been raised that homosexuality was wrong. We have always tried to be very loving. Remember, love the sinner, right? Well, when my child was entering puberty and began to ask questions, we’d answer. When my child asked his dad about gay people, he said, “they’re wrong, but we love them anyway.” Or when asking about transgender people and their salvation, my husband answered, “I think they can go to heaven as believers, but their heavenly body will be the one God originally made it to be.” Again, as parents you answer your children’s questions the best way you know how, based on what you were taught, and often how you were raised. This year, my husband and I have been humbled enough to realize we don’t know all the answers, but we do know how to proceed with the love of Jesus as our plumbline .

But more to the point of my questioning, that began years before it hit my home personally, my concern was how you can raise healthy, emotionally intact humans if you are insisting their feelings of sexual orientation or gender identity are something to be ashamed of, something to hide, or something to strive to change? How do you love someone well, but simultaneously tell them that who they are at the core of their being is despicable? Again, it didn’t gel. It didn’t feel right in my spirit. And it certainly didn’t seem like behavior I would see in Jesus.

A few years ago I first read an article by Sarah Bessey, which I’ll link to here. It’s lengthy, but then again, so is my post here. This is simply too complex of an issue to shortchange, but if you’re in a place of questioning like I was, it’s a good place to start. Reading it didn’t flip a switch in my brain. I suppose like the article suggests, my penny was still in the air.

What I did know was that the mismatch between saying you love someone, and showing it through your actions, was enough of a difference that I couldn’t speak on the subject. I just didn’t know. My whole life, to be told something is bad, but then to experience such turmoil over how I could react to someone like Christ would, in light of it.

So, to catch-up where we’re at… I believed on a scientific level that same-sex attraction and gender identity were complex issues not just related to environmental factors, but also genetic and hormonal ones in utero. I had determined people were born that way. Secondly, I couldn’t understand how it was possible to tell someone born gay or transgender, “yeah, I get you can’t help it, but if you wanna get to heaven, you either gotta change, or deny yourself the very things I take for granted. Like, falling in love, getting married, and raising a family.” Forced celibacy or conversion therapy (which fyi, has proven more harmful than effective).

What about the Bible? God’s word! Well, let’s go there. First, I will link to an article/video sermon by a smart guy named Matthew Vines who is Christian and gay. He spent years studying scripture and breaking it down to write this book, titled God and the Gay Christian.

But forgetting one man’s interpretation, if you will, I would like to suggest that for many people who are against LGBTQ, they are basing this off a handful of scriptures they’ve been told about, and not necessarily basing it on their knowledge of the Bible in its entirety. When you can read the Bible from front to back, ruminating over scripture, allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to you in spirit and truth, and running your every action, thought, and decision through the filter of Christ-likeness, you might find you learn a lot of things. In fact, it changes your heart. I’m not suggesting that since I’ve done this that I know everything. I don’t! I mentioned earlier that my husband and I have admitted we don’t know all the answers. But we do have a beautiful, fundamental, dependent relationship with Jesus that steers everything we do. We allow Jesus to guide our future (where we live), our finances, our family, and most importantly to take our fear and anxieties.

Another important part of Biblical study is to understand the historical context in which many things were written. I absolutely believe the Bible is the living word of God. I also believe the books were written by men (that were definitely inspired by God), but also limited by their finite nature and societal norms. For example, Paul and Timothy have instruction for us about women not speaking in church, or slaves obeying their masters. Slavery has been abolished, and women’s rights have increased since this text was written. To be a scholar and study the word, you must understand context of situations and societal norms when they were written. This is why I don’t have to go live outside my house when I’m on my menstral cycle, or why I’m allowed to work while my husband stays at home with the children. It’s why people aren’t being stoned in the street still when they have an affair. We cannot cherry-pick one verse and use it as God’s command if we’re going to ignore other verses. We do not have the authority to pick which verses are most important based on our political stance. In fact, I believe Jesus told us the greatest command from the Father, and if you don’t know it, shoot me a message. But I’ll tell you, it’s what drives this blog.

So, yes, I place so much value in the word of God. It drives my life! I believe that Jesus loves us. I am supportive and affirming of the LGBTQ community. It’s my belief in Jesus and the word of God that has brought me to this place. This wasn’t happenstance, hasty, or without hours and hours of prayers, asking for God’s wisdom. This has been an evolution (or rather, love-induced growth) of my faith over the past few years, and it isn’t just about the LGBTQ community. The character and love of Jesus has changed my opinion on minorities, immigrants, and the marginalized. The least of these. The one out of the 99. Jesus spoke of justice, but not to defend the religious. He spoke of inviting those outside the gates to the wedding feast, and in a world that seems to be focusing on us versus them, it’s totally anti-kingdom to do otherwise. Following Christ isn’t a club membership, where we pick and choose who can come inside based on what they wear, who they love, or where they were born. It’s an open invitation, and God never asked us to be the bouncers at the door.

When you read the Bible as the beautiful love story it is intended to be, you’ll see how the law first came in the Old Testament to help us rid ourselves of sin and death. But no one, absolutely no one could keep it. Jesus came with a New Covenant. He came not just to save the people of Israel, but the Gentiles as well. When the apostles first suggested it wasn’t necessary to circumcise, people lost their gourds. When John said it was okay to eat meat from pigs, people scoffed. When Jesus refused to throw stones at an adulteress, or insisted on restoring the cut ear of the guard who came to arrest Him, His followers were shocked. God is good at bringing us back to Him, and that doesn’t always look like we think it should. But He said that He came to save all mankind, so who are we to cause people pain and in the process push them from His table?

Above anything, I want my children to know Jesus, and to understand the freedom from fear and death they have through Him. I couldn’t imagine how I could tell my child, Jesus loves you unconditionally, except you need to not be gay or transgender, because then you’ll probably burn in hell, I think. Like, wouldn’t that be conditional love?! Isn’t that how we humans end up loving? “I love this man, but if he doesn’t pick up his dirty socks or wash more dishes, I’m done.” We have to stop loving “sinners” like humans love, and start loving all mankind (as we’re all sinners) as Jesus loves. Without stipulation.

My husband said to me the other night, “I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but I do know that when I stand before the Lord, if I’m wrong, my decisions were made in love. I just don’t see God holding that against me.”

What a wonderful thought. The Lord doesn’t tell us to decipher every sin possible, arrange them in order of importance, and then be the Gatekeepers of being good. But He does tell us to love our neighbor as ourself. If I have missed the mark on some verses, but I’ve loved completely, I don’t believe He will cast me away for trying.

This is My Son

by

I recently shared a picture of my twelve year old on social media. I’ve always been so proud of all my children, in all their uniqueness and particular strengths, and this post was no different. My pre-teen has emerged as a very talented crafter and seamstress/tailor, and I wanted to share the latest creation. But as I looked back at the post, I realized I wasn’t being genuine. I deleted the photo because I realized I was purposely avoiding using the pronouns and the name my child had chosen. Until I could proudly share my child, I didn’t want to share at all. So, I deleted the post.

Don’t throw your pearls to swine. This is the words of Jesus, and it’s one reason I had not openly discussed my child. I knew that those who don’t know or see our hearts would judge, and judge us harshly, but there comes also a time to stand proudly for what you know God is doing, to dispel long-held traditions of men, and to elevate the love of God above all things.

My last blog post spoke honestly about the struggles through depression and anxiety my eldest child has experienced this year. If you missed it, I’ll include a link here. I basically eluded to the fact that my child was questioning who they were, but that most importantly, my husband and I knew only to love them through it.

A common saying among Christians at large is, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” As a general statement, yes, I would agree, but it misses the fact that we currently exist in a broken world. In this brokenness we see sickness and death. We hold tight to an eternity where these things will be no more, but until then we cling to our faith in a Savior who carries us through the complexities of a broken world.

When a child is born with their intestines on the outside of their body, do we say, “God doesn’t make mistakes?” No. Instead we fix the problem that occurred in utero. Why did this anomaly occur?! Because this world is broken. But God has given us the ability to right some of the wrongs, but more importantly, His Holy Spirit to guide and carry us through the rest.

As my child began to question their gender identity, as a wise woman of God, I prayed and I learned. I devoured articles (the scholarly, peer-reviewed ones, rather than YouTube “experts”) about the complexities of development in the womb. As a woman of science and faith, I could understand that while God knew my child as He formed them in the womb, we also existed in a plane of earth where mismatches happened as it all knit together. The development of sexual organs was only a small piece of the greater puzzle of hormones developing in utero to cause a sense of one’s being and self. The important part to me was, my loving child’s spirit was the same one God placed in my womb; secondary was the mismatch that happened as the human body developed.

After that, I began to seek the Lord about how I should respond now. My child who loved Jesus and us didn’t love themself. They didn’t love themself because they felt as if their body had betrayed them. On the outside my child was developing breasts and curvy hips, but on the inside he felt quite different. I will never be able to explain to you how it feels to watch your child fall into a pit of despair, feeling like they are abnormal, a mistake, and broken. But God doesn’t make mistakes. And we had to come to that realization as a family.

My child had stopped smiling, and it broke my heart to pieces. Yet I watched the glow return bit by bit as he opened his heart to us about who he felt himself to be in spirit. A boy. I watched the glint of his sweet spirit return as I took him to get a boy haircut, and even more as I replaced his female wardrobe with male clothing. I still hold dearly in my heart the first night I looked down at my feet, at my child wearing his first outfit bought from the boys’ section, and seeing his genuine smile that had been absent for so long. Up until that moment I had still been questioning if I was doing this parenting thing right, but as I saw that smile I thought had been lost forever, I knew in my heart, “you’re doing the right thing.”

I don’t expect most of you to understand, and that’s ok. You cannot begin to fathom the heartfelt, hard conversations my husband and I have had alone together. You will never understand the cries and laments I have spoken to The Father. You aren’t here. You cannot know my son’s beautiful heart, and how I watched it almost disappear, yet through God’s grace and wisdom given to us in how to parent him, we’ve been gifted to see him emerge stronger and more resilient. Authentically himself.

I don’t expect you to understand, but if you’re a part of our lives, I do expect your love and support. If my precious son is met with anything but that, I will cut you out for his sake. Just being honest. We have had so many conversations about this, me and him. After all, who would choose to embrace a lifestyle that would make them the target of judgment, hate, ridicule, or even violence? No one. But this is who he is. God doesn’t make mistakes, and I’m so glad He chose us to be the parents of this boy. We were made for this, and to give him the support and love he needs to survive, and also thrive.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was certain it was a son. Ben and I decided to call him Noah, and this is the name my child has now chosen. I think a common misconception in Christian circles is the influence of the world, The Left, or whatever you want to call it. We, as Christians, are taught to protect our children from this. In the past, Ben and I wouldn’t let the girls watch cartoons with same-sex partnerships, and we didn’t allow the girls on social media. We homeschooled, and ran in our Christian circles. But if your kid gets on a computer and questions things like, “why do I not feel like a girl” or “why do I want to die,” they will find the answers to why they feel so abnormal. I think they need to find the answers in these cases, and I’m grateful God gave us the wisdom to allow Noah to discover this for himself. We are seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, and a whole slew of providers understanding of how my son was formed in the outward body of a female, but filled with the hormones inside his body that make him identify as male.

The psychiatrist told me last week, “I am honestly amazed at how well you and your husband are handling this. Noah will be years ahead of his trans peers emotionally because of your love and support.”

She went on to explain the emotionally and mentally broken adults she saw who had not received the love they needed from their family. It made me feel good to know I was loving my baby through the hardest experience imaginable, and that he would not have to go through such a difficult thing alone. He had our love.

This won’t be a surprise to some of you, and to those I trust to love us unconditionally, I’ve already shared it. But I realized that I’m a big-loving momma, and to love my baby the best, I have to be honest and genuine. Noah has also been wanting to come out to everyone. Can you imagine having to hide who you are for fear of ridicule?! We agreed that I could write this post letting you know, this is my son, Noah. He is exceptional, bright, and quirky. He’s autistic (which is common in gender identity children), and his heart is beautiful. I’ve seen the ugly-hearted things people on social media say about the transgender community, but know that your ignorance will not break him. His heart is strong, and his family is a barrier of God’s love around him. It is your choice whether to be a part of that love we share. Regardless, I am proud to say, this is my son. This is Noah. The same he has always been. Just a little different.

Please Be My Strength

by

I was driving down a picturesque stretch of scenic road, by myself, listening to music. The sun was shining, vast green pastureland stretched out to either side, and in the distance large mountains looked down upon me. The words from the car radio caught my attention.

“Please be my strength.”

I lifted my right hand into the air; a charismatic Christian, worship regular, signaling my agreement and reaching for my Jesus. Then it struck me. He wasn’t somewhere up above, beyond my extended hand. He was here. In my car. I looked over at the seemingly empty passenger seat, and I imagined my Savior riding shotgun (even though He always has the wheel). I stretched out my hand into the side seat, rather than the air, and I closed my hand around His, our fingers intertwining.

Please be my strength.

I can categorically and emphatically say that the past year of my life, basically 2022 in its entirety, has been the most difficult of my life. Harder than bootcamp, tougher than an unexpected divorce in my late twenties, and even more stressful than being an ICU nurse in the height of a pandemic.

I’ll stop here to warn you. If you don’t know me personally, understand and be aware that I’m going to share very personal things. If you think you will possibly read my outpouring with judgement, perhaps you should just stop right here. This post has been on my mind for a few weeks, but it’s been difficult for me to share my inner turmoil with not only trolls hiding behind anonymous computer screens, but also, and sadly for the most part, because of the people close to me who judge me the harshest. Maybe you should stop reading here.

You can always think you will know how to react to a situation, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I know little to nothing. As a young woman who only dreamed of children, I imagined how I would parent. Then I actually had children, and it all went out the window. Most of it, anyway. I got the epidural instead of a natural childbirth, and I co-slept rather than letting my baby cry it out in their crib. I never had the time for every night bedtime stories, and I’ve yet to start a single college fund. Sigh.

The enormity of what I don’t know about parenting, or life in general for that matter, crashed upon my head shortly after Christmas. My oldest, natural born child, my eleven year old started to change overnight. She gave her fidgets away, and she decided she hated the color pink. She started spending more time in her room, and stopped swimming in our pool, or even going outside to play with the neighborhood children. I had seen her height increase dramatically, her hips begin to take shape, while her waist thinned. Along came the budding breasts and hair in places they shouldn’t be for an eleven year old, in my humble, late-bloomer opinion. So, I blamed it all on hormones.

Sure enough, she started the dreaded red wave of womanhood shortly thereafter, and I thought, “maybe this will be a sweet release to the angst she has been feeling.” But that was only the beginning of the tsunami that was heading our way.

In the middle of pre-teen distress, our family, like most of yours, I’m sure, was experiencing a changing economy. It was getting harder to keep the pantry full for a family of five on a single income. I couldn’t help people like I had gotten used to doing, barely having enough extra to financially float my own family. I had taken a job away from bedside nursing to rest my Nightingale wings, but we decided as a family, I could get more bang for my buck by going back to the trenches. At the time, the best paying job was three hours away. No problem. It would only be for a short, three months, to get us back on our feet.

We all hated it! There is a big difference between coming home from your twelve hour shift to your family, and coming home to an empty, one bedroom tiny house. And while the quiet was blissful the first week, it quickly lost its shimmer. The driving back and forth on my off days was exhausting, and then there was the little issue of life upending hundreds of miles away.

We prayed and sought the Lord over the decision of that job, and despite the difficulty, I do believe it was God’s will for me to be alone in that little cabin. See, He was working on me too. I’m a fixer. That’s what I do. At work, and at home. But what do you do when you can’t fix it? I look back now understanding that the little rental house I stayed in three days a week, it was my green pasture. The place I had to lay in while I gave my lambs to the shepherd. If I would have been there, I know I’d have been trying to yield my rod and staff all over everything, forgetting where my strength came from.

Remember the pre-teen angst? Well, it was more than that. I knew it. There was new anxiety. I’m talking about hyperventilating, arms breaking out in hives, absolute panic in crowds, anxiety. Where did it come from?! Why was my formerly, social butterfly unable to walk in Aldi without having to stop and deep breathe?!

There was depression. Real depression. Sadness so deep that it was like a thick fog, and I could barely see my baby through the darkness of it. I recognized the mood. It was one I knew too well, on a personal level, but also a familial one.

This part of our journey was probably the most frustrating for me. When I reached out to trusted people I loved about my baby, I wasn’t met with the support I expected. I actually felt quite the opposite. It seems my child’s battle with anxiety and depression was simply a spiritual attack that I had the power to stop. All it took was some laying on hands. And don’t forget, the doorway to my daughter for Satan to harm her was my own doing. I was/must be allowing things into our home that opened the spiritual realm for my child to be attacked.

I love Jesus. I believe in forces of darkness and principalities of evil. I believe in prayer, I believe in deliverance, and I believe in healing. Truly. I also believe in science, a God-given knowledge of how our bodies work, sometimes against us, and how God gave mankind the tools both spiritually and physically to combat these issues. I was a suicide attempt survivor. I had a grandfather kill himself, and a mother who tried to end her life many times from my childhood up into my early thirties. That kind of family history will have you well versed on generational curses, but also heredity and chemical imbalances in the brain.

Had I not prayed countless hours every day for my child?! Had my husband and I not laid hands on our child, sought healing, but also wisdom for what (if anything) in our environment and home was causing a problem?! Of course we had. I had not stopped praying and crying daily in the shower for months. I thought of my own battle with anxiety and depression, and how I spent years trying to pray harder, read my Bible more, and call out the forces of darkness bringing me down. It was not until I sat in the bathtub on Christmas Eve, wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up, that I sought the help of a doctor. It shook me that a blessed woman, with an amazing husband and adored children would want to die on the happiest day of the year. It shook me to think that I had waited so long, and I vowed to do everything I could for my baby.

Against the advice of well-meaning guidance, I took my child to a therapist. Every week, out of pocket, since most insurances don’t consider mental health a needed health benefit, but that’s a topic for a whole other blog.

I’ll stop here to apologize, as this is getting longer than I anticipated, but I did tell you I haven’t shared in a while. So, let’s get to the message.

I get a message, at work, just before it was time to give report to the oncoming shift, and it was a message that rocked my world. I have been blessed with a relationship with my child where she tells me everything. So, it was killing her to keep her pain a secret, and that day she told me she had been hurting herself. She sent photos of cuts she had made into her arm. She asked me not to be mad! Mad?! I just wanted to hold her!

I drove 40 minutes to my little house, after my 3rd twelve hour shift, packed a quick bag and drove the three hours home. I cried to my sister on the phone (hands-free), while driving through a tropical storm, and later thanked God I didn’t mess up my car when I hit that median. The downpour had been so torrential, and the night so dark, but I had to get home.

I cried incredulous tears to my sister. Why was this happening to my baby?! Didn’t this sort of thing only happen to foster kids in a bad situation, or abused kids, or kids with bad relationships with their parents?! My child had not experienced any kind of trauma. I knew this to be true. Why was this happening?

As a side-note, I’ll add here, that I have since learned how common self harm is in teens. My child has even shared with me other girls, from good, “Christian,” happy homes, who have admitted to her they cut also. They had not told their mother, so I guess I had that going for me. Hey, you hang on to any little thing you can in these situations.

This wasn’t the end. More conversations revealed more issues. Suicidal ideation. We hid sharp objects, called doctors, had emergency sessions with the therapist. It had been spiraling to this out of control moment, but it wouldn’t stop spinning. It kept going.

There were bright moments. Her neurologist believing her puberty had changed how her seizure medicine affected her, causing the suicidal ideation and self harm. Us getting off the medicine, her brain scan being free of seizure activity (making a new medicine unnecessary), and the emergence out of that darkness that tried to take her. But still, there was more. I could see it.

When you are raised in an Evangelical Christian environment, you’re taught how to handle certain situations. You’re taught about sin, but there is also major focus on particular sins that are especially heinous. The ones that we stand on a firm foundation to fight for. Other sins can be pushed to the side. I mean, they’re still “bad,” but not worth making a social media post about. My husband and I are both divorced previously, but I cannot recall anyone telling me how disappointed God was in my actions not to reconcile with my ex. You think you know how to handle certain situations, that you have it all figured out, but then it gets personal, and that puts a wrench in everything.

One of my daughter’s disappointments in herself was that she didn’t feel like she belonged. She didn’t feel normal. All her friends and cousins spoke about dating and boys, but she wasn’t interested. “This is normal,” we said. “You’re just a kid.”

But to her it was more. It wasn’t just that she wasn’t interested at the present; the thought of ever being a woman romantically or sexually attracted to a man seemed inconceivable to her. It seemed off. It seemed “not her.” We had entered a period of her trying to understand why she felt so different, and honestly, this place of questioning and sharing is what brought my baby out of her dark place. I’d like to think my loving counsel was a help, and I’m sure the therapy and psychiatrist were a benefit, but I believe in my heart that her honest questions and seeking of her true self brought about the emergence.

In Christian circles you are taught how to approach the subject of LGBTQ. You “love the sinner but hate the sin!” But there’s a problem that surfaces when this happens to someone you love more than yourself.

You start to wonder, “how can I love them best? How can I say I love you in one breath, but tell them what they feel in their heart, mind, and soul is wrong, in the next breath? How can I show the love of Jesus best? How can I respond to this situation without crushing the spirit of this child I would literally die for?”

Tough questions. A tough year. In the end, you love the only way you know how. All in. In the middle, you question everything you’ve ever been told. You read scripture, study, pray, have long talks with your spouse, and come to a place of acceptance, of unconditional love for your child, no matter their gender identity or sexual preference.

I remember a conversation with my husband where we agreed we did not have all the answers. We didn’t know what was right or wrong. I’m gonna tell you… you can imagine you know how to handle issues, but after you’ve discovered your child is so confused and hurting that they would rather die, you start to rethink things. Everything turns upside down, inside out, and pouring from the seams. You question what’s of eternal significance. Is it being right about what is a sin and what is not? Or is it leaving some things to God and admitting your own failings instead? Is it focusing on the spirit nature of us all, regardless of slave, free, man, or woman, and understanding we are all one in Him? Yeah, we didn’t want to mess things up, but we knew our Father held it all in His hands. We knew our job was to love our child, to show them the heart of Jesus, and to leave what we didn’t understand to Him. I was back in that green pasture. And I am there still.

He is my strength. He is love. His love strengthens me, and His love pours out of me. That is good enough for me. To see your child on the edge of a cliff, and then watch them emerge bright, confident, and happy being themselves, is priceless. How could I not support that? I am so proud of my baby. Now and forever.

Step by Step. Not Just a NKOTB Song.

by

One year ago I bought a house in SW Florida. My dream home, in fact. It has this tropical oasis in the backyard I have desired since childhood. Funny how things change.

I recently told a friend, “God doesn’t take you from A to E. He takes you to B, first.”

She had said I was brave. Ha! The furthest from it I’d say. I’m just good at taking baby steps.

I have always been an anxious woman. Because of my fear of the unknown and the uncontrollable, I sought a life of order. I can remember when debit cards first became a normal thing to use instead of cash or check. I know it drove my ex crazy, but I would make him save every single receipt. I would sit down once a week with the stack and input them into my checkbook ledger. Even with the invention of online banking, and even when they got better at immediately posting a purchase, still I meticulously kept my budget. I saved the paper bills (hesitant to go for paperless billing), wrote the date paid on the outside of the envelope, and filed it away in order. I’m not saying balancing your budget is a bad thing. I am saying my detailed way of doing it is just one example of taking areas of my life and sculpting them into order and precision. It made me feel better to have my ducks in a row, to have a plan, and to know the steps from point A to beyond.

There’s this drawing I’ve seen of Jesus and a little girl. It’s cartoonish and simple, even a bit too much prosperity-gospel-like for my taste, but it points to a great truth. In the depiction, Jesus is holding out his hand for the girl to give him her teddy bear. She’s not wanting to do it, but he’s saying “trust me.” Behind his back you can see he’s holding a much bigger teddy bear in exchange for the small one.

Trust me.

The picture is all well and good, but in real life we can’t see the bigger teddy bear behind his back (in the future). Instead it requires trusting that what God has is better than we can imagine for ourselves. It’s about knowing God’s character and that he is good. Going step by step with Jesus is a lot like the teddy bear picture, but our finite minds cannot see what lays ahead. Step one may be releasing that thing we hold dear, like comfort, security, order, and control for me.

Five years ago my family left our hometown, family and friends, our house, our jobs, and most importantly, our comfort zone. If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know this story. If not, let me give you an example of travel nurse life. A real scenario that happened to me.

I had two shifts left in my current contract, then my job would end. I had no idea where I was going to work next. I had no idea where I would take my family to live. As the sole breadwinner for our family of five, I had no idea if I would have income coming in after this last paycheck. Yet, I was cool as a cucumber. Err, for the most part, anyway. Lol.

I learned how to lay down control. I learned how to surrender my fear, my future, my family, and my finances to God. I saw in real time that handing him the bear made my hands empty to receive what he wanted to place there. I would not trade these past five years for anything; they transformed my relationship with Jesus.

I share this journey in humility. There’s no pride because I’m not boasting in me; I’m boasting in Him. His peace.

The thing is, real life isn’t as two dimensional as the cartoon of Jesus and the bear from above. You can take the first step of handing over your “teddy,” and then you find yourself plummeting downward into calamity. Wait a minute? What happened to my bigger prize?!

You see, God doesn’t promise an easy journey from A to E, but we know by his character (as portrayed in scripture) that it will eventually work for our good. The next step may be bumpy, but in my experience, your perception changes. The downs don’t seem as detrimental when you’re standing on The Rock. Again, my experience.

It occurred to me this morning that the entire Biblical story is a step by step (not the song by NKOTB, btw). When you read the Bible you must read it as the entire story. So, when you’re in the Old Testament reading how God destroyed a group of bad dudes, you have to look at it in context of “the rest of the story,” as Paul Harvey would say. Understand that God has to take his people from A (the fall) to E (the second coming) without leaving out the B, C, and D. Humans have free will, and he couldn’t bring us back to relationship with him without the in-between. Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery, so the Israelites could be saved. But then they end up slaves to the Egyptians. So, along comes Moses to free them. But then they gotta wander in the desert a few decades. See where I’m going here? Step by step. One leads to the next, and sure, some crap comes along the way, but so does amazing blessing. Then Jesus comes in and changes everything! The curse is broken! We’re on the last leg of the race. If the entire Biblical story is a step by step journey of God getting us back to him, doesn’t it only seem logical that it’s our job to keep stepping on this last lap?

The key is simply taking a step when he leads you to.

A year and a half ago, God told me to go to Fort Myers. I didn’t want to go, but I have found blessing here, and I’d like to think he has used me for his kingdom purposes. Because I haven’t mentioned this yet, but it’s not just all about me. Lol.

Now, God is calling us to another step. Away from the home we thought would be our last. Away from Florida. A place I absolutely love! He has placed dreams in our hearts that are different from anything we could have imagined on our own. We have asked for open doors and closed doors, and now we’re taking our next step. Maybe we never stop taking another step until Jesus returns.

So, what’s next for the Gowen’s? For now, we are headed to Virginia. It is for lovers, after all. 😆 What’s after that? I don’t know the details, for sure. We’re just taking it one step at a time.

I will be completely transparent with this next statement. I have experienced a lot of hurt over the past couple of years. Not within my safe, inner circle, but beyond. I have been sharing my life via this blog and social media for about a decade. Due to the hurt I’ve experienced, I have wanted to hide my family away, to stop sharing with toxic people who don’t deserve to know what God is doing with us. I’m working on it. I know that good people still exist, and I know things I share may help someone out there.

So, welcome to my inner sanctum. You have no clue I started travel nursing again, or that I’ve been on a contract away from home for three months. I’ve kept my life close to the vest, but I treasure many of you out there, and it’s not fair for me to pull away from you based on the actions of others. Plus, I didn’t want to share a picture of mountains on Instagram and you be like, “do what?!” Ha.

I’ll share of photo here of the driveway to a house we’ll be renting, complete with five acres to let that new Labrador run around. There will be more to come. Just allow me the time to put it out there as my heart feels ready. One step at a time. Right?

Thank you, friends.

Step by Step. Not Just a NKOTB Song.

by

One year ago I bought a house in SW Florida. My dream home, in fact. It has this tropical oasis in the backyard I have desired since childhood. Funny how things change.

I recently told a friend, “God doesn’t take you from A to E. He takes you to B, first.”

She had said I was brave. Ha! The furthest from it I’d say. I’m just good at taking baby steps.

I have always been an anxious woman. Because of my fear of the unknown and the uncontrollable, I sought a life of order. I can remember when debit cards first became a normal thing to use instead of cash or check. I know it drove my ex crazy, but I would make him save every single receipt. I would sit down once a week with the stack and input them into my checkbook ledger. Even with the invention of online banking, and even when they got better at immediately posting a purchase, still I meticulously kept my budget. I saved the paper bills (hesitant to go for paperless billing), wrote the date paid on the outside of the envelope, and filed it away in order. I’m not saying balancing your budget is a bad thing. I am saying my detailed way of doing it is just one example of taking areas of my life and sculpting them into order and precision. It made me feel better to have my ducks in a row, to have a plan, and to know the steps from point A to beyond.

There’s this drawing I’ve seen of Jesus and a little girl. It’s cartoonish and simple, even a bit too much prosperity-gospel-like for my taste, but it points to a great truth. In the depiction, Jesus is holding out his hand for the girl to give him her teddy bear. She’s not wanting to do it, but he’s saying “trust me.” Behind his back you can see he’s holding a much bigger teddy bear in exchange for the small one.

Trust me.

The picture is all well and good, but in real life we can’t see the bigger teddy bear behind his back (in the future). Instead it requires trusting that what God has is better than we can imagine for ourselves. It’s about knowing God’s character and that he is good. Going step by step with Jesus is a lot like the teddy bear picture, but our finite minds cannot see what lays ahead. Step one may be releasing that thing we hold dear, like comfort, security, order, and control for me.

Five years ago my family left our hometown, family and friends, our house, our jobs, and most importantly, our comfort zone. If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know this story. If not, let me give you an example of travel nurse life. A real scenario that happened to me.

I had two shifts left in my current contract, then my job would end. I had no idea where I was going to work next. I had no idea where I would take my family to live. As the sole breadwinner for our family of five, I had no idea if I would have income coming in after this last paycheck. Yet, I was cool as a cucumber. Err, for the most part, anyway. Lol.

I learned how to lay down control. I learned how to surrender my fear, my future, my family, and my finances to God. I saw in real time that handing him the bear made my hands empty to receive what he wanted to place there. I would not trade these past five years for anything; they transformed my relationship with Jesus.

I share this journey in humility. There’s no pride because I’m not boasting in me; I’m boasting in Him. His peace.

The thing is, real life isn’t as two dimensional as the cartoon of Jesus and the bear from above. You can take the first step of handing over your “teddy,” and then you find yourself plummeting downward into calamity. Wait a minute? What happened to my bigger prize?!

You see, God doesn’t promise an easy journey from A to E, but we know by his character (as portrayed in scripture) that it will eventually work for our good. The next step may be bumpy, but in my experience, your perception changes. The downs don’t seem as detrimental when you’re standing on The Rock. Again, my experience.

It occurred to me this morning that the entire Biblical story is a step by step (not the song by NKOTB, btw). When you read the Bible you must read it as the entire story. So, when you’re in the Old Testament reading how God destroyed a group of bad dudes, you have to look at it in context of “the rest of the story,” as Paul Harvey would say. Understand that God has to take his people from A (the fall) to E (the second coming) without leaving out the B, C, and D. Humans have free will, and he couldn’t bring us back to relationship with him without the in-between. Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery, so the Israelites could be saved. But then they end up slaves to the Egyptians. So, along comes Moses to free them. But then they gotta wander in the desert a few decades. See where I’m going here? Step by step. One leads to the next, and sure, some crap comes along the way, but so does amazing blessing. Then Jesus comes in and changes everything! The curse is broken! We’re on the last leg of the race. If the entire Biblical story is a step by step journey of God getting us back to him, doesn’t it only seem logical that it’s our job to keep stepping on this last lap?

The key is simply taking a step when he leads you to.

A year and a half ago, God told me to go to Fort Myers. I didn’t want to go, but I have found blessing here, and I’d like to think he has used me for his kingdom purposes. Because I haven’t mentioned this yet, but it’s not just all about me. Lol.

Now, God is calling us to another step. Away from the home we thought would be our last. Away from Florida. A place I absolutely love! He has placed dreams in our hearts that are different from anything we could have imagined on our own. We have asked for open doors and closed doors, and now we’re taking our next step. Maybe we never stop taking another step until Jesus returns.

So, what’s next for the Gowen’s? For now, we are headed to Virginia. It is for lovers, after all. 😆 What’s after that? I don’t know the details, for sure. We’re just taking it one step at a time.

I will be completely transparent with this next statement. I have experienced a lot of hurt over the past couple of years. Not within my safe, inner circle, but beyond. I have been sharing my life via this blog and social media for about a decade. Due to the hurt I’ve experienced, I have wanted to hide my family away, to stop sharing with toxic people who don’t deserve to know what God is doing with us. I’m working on it. I know that good people still exist, and I know things I share may help someone out there.

So, welcome to my inner sanctum. You have no clue I started travel nursing again, or that I’ve been on a contract away from home for three months. I’ve kept my life close to the vest, but I treasure many of you out there, and it’s not fair for me to pull away from you based on the actions of others. Plus, I didn’t want to share a picture of mountains on Instagram and you be like, “do what?!” Ha.

I’ll share of photo here of the driveway to a house we’ll be renting, complete with five acres to let that new Labrador run around. There will be more to come. Just allow me the time to put it out there as my heart feels ready. One step at a time. Right?

Thank you, friends.

Where I’m At

by

I oscillate between sharing my life and withdrawing into an underground storm shelter. Remember that movie with Brendan Fraser, Blast from the Past? Yes, that sounds nice sometimes. To just spirit away with my family and Jesus, playing board games and eating nonperishable goodies. But alas, that’s not what God calls us to. I wish the calling wasn’t always so painful.

I’ve gone back and forth between sharing my life, my insights, or Heaven forbid, my opinion, or simply remaining silent in my own comfortable mind. I have had so many people over the years email, comment on the blog, or message me on social media sharing how much my words have comforted them, helped them feel less alone, or heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to them through my musings. That kind of feedback encourages me to keep going. But then…

Y’all, I have been really hurt. I say I don’t care what people think of me, but let’s be honest, it stings when friends and family judge you. I’m not talking about Facebook acquaintances. I mean friends. I have had women I have known for over twenty years, women in the church who I considered mentors, completely write me off. Women who kept up daily contact and encouragement with me, suddenly ghost me. And when I see those same women encouraging and communing with mutual friends, yeah, it hurts. It hurts to be brushed aside. It hurts that we have become a people, a society, a church, I dare say, that values platforms or something as inconsequential as the opinion on vaccinations over loving relationships. Didn’t vote Republican the last election?! Sorry, your cool kid, insider pass to the Women’s Bible Study clique has been revoked. Why does that still hurt me?

I have had family laugh at me, ignore me, lessen my feelings. I feel the judgment in an almost palatable way. Am I seeing things that are not there, like whispers at the lunch table, assuming the worst is being said behind my back? Perhaps. Perhaps I am, but it doesn’t change the feeling of brokenness inside.

I have spent the last two years discovering a side of humanity I wish I had never seen. On the other side, pre-Covid, pre-Trump, sat a naive woman, who felt certain that people who loved Jesus, loved people. Sure, there were hypocrites, but overall the Christian community was one built on love. I was sure of it. Now, on this side of a pandemic, after the loss of a presidential election on the Right, I see an abrasive, hardened heart of a community I’ve been a part of for over half my life. I cannot comprehend the actions of the majority. I cannot find the connection between the actions of Jesus and the actions I see on social media. The Sermon on the Mount and the rant on Facebook or Instagram are not parallel. The church I have always known and loved has let me down, and I’m still coming to terms with that.

Here’s what I don’t want. I don’t want my picture of my Savior, or my relationship with Jesus to suffer. The loving King who died for me, who died for the immigrant at the border, who died for the atheist at my workplace, who died for the two married men that live next door. This loving Jesus has never left my side. When I’ve felt the hurt and betrayal from friends and family, He has never let me go. So, I think He and I are good. I just keep clinging to His character, so often imagining myself sitting at His feet like Mary, listening to His truth.

The church, however, has fallen from me. I have not returned to corporate worship or any religious gathering in a group. I want to, but I’m afraid. The hurt I have experienced has broke me, and I’m not sure I could take anymore. I want my babies to be around the church. I want to return. I have just been unable to cross that divide. I listen to a church sermon every Sunday, I read the Bible for hours a day, and I spent countless hours in prayer and conversation with my Father, but I’m still licking my wounds. I’m just being honest. You guys know I’m a sensitive soul. My hurt still rears its ugly head almost daily, and I spend just as long laying it back down at the feet of Jesus.

Please pray for me, my friends. Pray that I will find healing, that I will be able to see that Jesus is the balm that covers my hurt. This I do know. I will never be the same. I will never again be the woman I was in 2019. And while that hurts, I am grateful that my eyes were opened to the insincerity of my fellow man.

It’s hard for me to even write this, as I know there are people who will judge me for it, assuming I’m “woke,” progressive, or even worse (LOL), liberal. They’ll pray for me that God open my eyes to the evil of this world, never seeing the evil in their own hearts and actions.

I do find solace (of this world) in the fact that I am not alone in my feelings. There are other Christian, lovers of Jesus, who want to love like Him, not just like the church club says. It helps to hear their hearts that mirror my own. Beth Moore, Skye Jethani, Greg Boyd, Phil Vischer, David French, Russell Moore. Organizations like Women of Welcome, Faith and Prejudice, The Lincoln Project. Personal friends (that I will leave unnamed) who I reach out to with my frustrations and hurt. Thank you. And most importantly, the amazing spouse the Lord has given me. I was raised initially in an atheist household. He was raised quite the opposite, not allowed to watch the (demonic) Smurfs or He-Man growing up. Together we have found this loving Jesus who healed our brokenness, forgave our sinfulness, carried us through addiction, and leads us even now. Because of Him, we are forever changed. Because of Him, we are encouraged to love like He does. Sadly, I’ve discovered that radical love like Jesus doesn’t always sit well with the religious. It didn’t in His day, and it doesn’t in ours either.

I’m not sure what this post is supposed to be about. It seems like I simply vomited my feelings into words, but trust me, you have no idea how much of my gorge I’m holding back and swallowing down. Perhaps for another day. Or, perhaps I will take my baby chicks under my wings and disappear from the grid of public opinion. I suppose only time will tell.