Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

The Unexpected Peace I Found in Pain

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I was a few months away from my thirtieth birthday when my life fell apart. I had a beautiful home, new vehicles shining in the double garage, and the financial stability to add to the rooms of my house pretty much anything my heart desired. Four bedrooms, but basically silent halls. I had a wonderful 9-5, good friends, and who can forget the double shelves of alphabetized DVDs. Life was good. Or as good as life got, anyway. Right?!

I can remember the heartache like no other. My throat was raw with it. The deep pain in my chest rose with bile and acid up my esophagus, and the tears just kept falling. They had not stopped since the night before, and glancing at my red-rimmed eyes in my new car’s mirror made me glad I had not reported to my job site that morning. They would have known immediately.

“What’s wrong with me?!” I wondered.

I drove along an unknown roadway. Despite having tossed and turned most of the night, and regardless of the six pack I had numbly swallowed to help usher in the sandman, I had managed to leave my happy (looking) home early to get to work on time. My promotion had brought along new training, and it seemed the best bit of luck that this particular day would be one spent commuting over an hour to work, alongside strangers who wouldn’t question my melancholy. This was back when I believed in things like luck or coincidence.

“Why am I so unlovable?!” I questioned the pristine interior of my vehicle.

I was almost thirty years old, and I felt like I should be thinking about starting a family. Not this. My mind traveled back to the prior week, how my primary care doctor had questioned my desire for children in light of the birth control prescription she was writing. I didn’t know when she asked why we hadn’t started a family yet. We both wanted children. But in the silence of the rubber meeting the roadway that morning, I knew. I finally understood.

“What did I do wrong?!” I cried.

I racked my brain in the dim, morning light. I tried to be a good wife. I didn’t nag. I kept fit and trim. I had even fixed that flat chest situation. Thank you, Mr. Surgeon. I was a good cook, a complimentary companion, and always quick to concede in an argument. So why did he not want me?

“I don’t want to be married anymore,” he had said the night before.

He had asked me to take a seat, then had spoken the words matter-of-fact, like turning off love and ending a marriage was as easy as changing the color pattern of the living room. Perhaps easier.

“Help me, God!” I cried into the silent car, as I replayed the night before my marriage ended.

God. I still believed in Him. I had never stopped, really. I just hadn’t spoken to Him in a while. In fact, the last time I remembered hearing His voice was before I had gotten married. As things began to heat up in our relationship, some six years prior, I remember the whisper of the Holy Spirit reminding me of something I had learned as a young woman at a discipleship training school overseas. The speaker had cautioned the room full of us young adults about the dangers of “missionary-dating.” You might be familiar with the Bible’s instruction about being unequally yoked, and this was the caution the Lord brought to my mind.

So, over a table full of empty beer bottles, in a smoky bar, I had asked my soon-to-be spouse if he believed in Jesus.

“Of course! I’m Catholic,” he answered with a laugh, and that had been the extent of my prayerful consideration of our relationship.

I don’t want to paint the object of my (then) affection and ex-husband in a bad light. I certainly was no saint, and the point of this story is me. I had ignored the voice of God, His guidance, His Spirit, and relationship with Him for over six years. Yet in the midst of my utter failure and pain, He was the One I cried out to for help.

“Help me, God,” I had cried, and calling for His assistance came as naturally as if I had been doing it all along.

And there, in my pain, He met me. There in my brokenness, He spoke to my heart. The words I heard from the Lord at that moment were like a lightening bolt, yet also, simultaneously, like the whisper of a trusted friend placing their hand on my sagging shoulder and speaking the advice I needed. It’s not important what He said to me in that moment, but I can tell you it rang as one of the truest things that has ever been spoken into my life. It was exactly what I needed in that moment, where I felt so unworthy and unloved, but also what I needed to pick myself up from the mess I was in, and move on from a broken situation I could not control or mend.

I arrived to the alternate job site carrying some things I did not expect to find. Hope for the future, and peace for my current situation. I had been feeling a hurt and pain I couldn’t make my way through, but as I put my car in park in an unfamiliar lot, I knew I could make it with God carrying me. Somehow, and for some reason, He had met me in the midst of my pain. I didn’t deserve an answer. In fact, I had given Him the silent treatment for years. Yet when I cried out in my hurt, my Father answered. I still don’t think I deserved that, but thankfully He is a good, good Father. Compassionate, kind, and unending in mercy.

Life has never been the same since I encountered God in the middle of a lonely highway over thirteen years ago. It didn’t immediately become a pathway of roses, but I do know it began to look up from there. He pulled me from my pit, and I have kept in constant communication with Him ever since. I mean, a God who answers a wayward child who is reaping what she sowed… that is a relationship I could never turn my back on again.

The Lord not only pulled me from my pit, but He filled me with a new song. He gave me a new life, a wonderful husband, beautiful children, a path with purpose, forgiveness, redemption, and all the blessings that are promised in His Word. I haven’t written about my divorce in a long time, but this story has been on my mind lately. Although the circumstances are sad and broken, the healing and restoration is something I never want to forget. I’m so grateful we can serve a God of redemption, who writes us a new story, even when we’ve ripped the pages. He truly makes all things new. This story, while my personal account, is also the story of all mankind. We are all the broken pieces, who had searched for fulfillment in all the wrong places, yet aren’t left on our own. All we have to do is call for help, and He will hear. Even if we haven’t spoken in years. He hears, and He rescues the fallen.

#relationshipgoals

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The awesomeness of God is all-encompassing, and one of the billion things I love about serving the Great I Am is the ability to see my relationship with Him in multiple ways. I remember as a young woman, new to the faith, I found great comfort in the Father Heart aspect of God. As a product of past rejection from an earthly father, it gave me peace to have a Heavenly Dad who would never leave me. Since then I’ve learned to dive deeper into the multifaceted faces of the Lord, and I’ve found lasting relationship in my explorations. At times, He is my groom, the lover of my soul. Other times, a brother, a friend. I’ve even found peace with verses describing the Lord like a nursing mother, even though modern religion would raise us to see God as male only. The thing is, God is so much more. My Savior is everything. But this morning the Holy Spirit spoke a new description to my heart, and I found it so wonderful that I wanted to share.

This morning I was listening to worship music, meditating on the words and my relationship with the Lord, when I felt the Holy Spirit impress these words to my heart.

I’m courting you. It’s like a long distance relationship.

I’ll admit that made me chuckle at first. I mean, if ever there was a relationship I stunk at, it was a long distance one, but as I thought on it more, the comparison made perfect sense. After all, I couldn’t see Jesus, but I knew I loved Him. In fact, the love was so deep and powerful, it often times made me weep with joy. No one had ever made me feel that way.

My past experience with a long distance relationship as a woman in my early twenties had not gone well. He was a great guy, but the distance didn’t make my heart grow fonder; it only made it grow lonely. I mentioned that early rejection previously, and I’m sure that had a lot to do with my need for affection. I felt as if I needed almost constant reassurance and proof of love. I needed to hear the words, and I needed the physical touch. With a thousand miles separating me and this particular fella, it didn’t bode well. I found proximal affection in someone within my zip code, and because of my unfaithfulness, the distant relationship fell apart.

The thing is, something wild happened when I entered a relationship with Jesus. It wasn’t immediate, but more aptly developed over time. It seemed that the more time I spent with the Lord in prayer and reading His love letters to me in scripture, the less I needed that aforementioned affirmation. I knew Jesus loved me. I knew it deep down in my soul. I didn’t need a physical hand holding mine because His Holy Spirit was with me always, and in the lonely times when I couldn’t feel His presence, all I had to do was revisit those love letters in the Bible. They reminded me of His unending affections.

As a young woman I had problems with my self esteem, but once I began a relationship with Christ I knew my worth in Him. I knew in my heart that He adored me, that I was precious to Him, and that despite what I may mess up, He loved me unconditionally.

When you look at your life on earth from a kingdom perspective, knowing that this life is but a breath, and eternity in Heaven is the ultimate goal, you can wonder what your purpose is in this short spell on earth. This morning the Lord reminded me that a main purpose is to develop my relationship with Him. It’s like a long distance courtship, in that I cannot look into the face of my Savior just yet, but it’s a wonderful experience falling deeper in love with Him before the wedding. One day the church will stand before the bridegroom, but we won’t stand at the altar as strangers in some arranged marriage. We will be in the presence of the one we have grown to love deeply. I can remember standing at the altar with my husband. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him; I was so enamored and full of happiness! Can you imagine the joy we will feel on our eternal wedding day?!

In my life on earth I am courting for the greatest relationship of all times. As I make my way through a fallen world full of sin and hardship, I am drawn into the strong arms of Jesus. He comforts me in my trouble. In earthly wedding vows they say things about promising to stick it out through good times and bad times, but many marriages will end in divorce because the couple can’t make it through the bad times together. In our relationship with the Lord we are afforded the bad news first, so to speak. We learn to love Him through the brokenness of this world, and in that we begin to understand all that He can be for us. We spend an average of 72 years learning how to love deeply and unconditionally, through richer or poorer, through sickness and health, and then we are given the ultimate wedding gift and feast as our reward. An eternity with the One who never left our side through it all. In that sense, it’s the furthest thing from long distance there is.

As for now, although I cannot stand before Him, I love Him. Although I can’t see His face, I feel His heart for me. Even though we exist on different realms, so to speak, He never leaves me or forsakes me. My goal in (this) life is to love Him deeper, and to raise my children the same. To show the world the light of His love, and to prepare for the wedding that I know is one day coming.

Raising a Challenging Child

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I sat in the bed watching some late night television, and as my middle daughter entered the room, I knew immediately something was wrong. She was a waif of a child, a tiny wisp, and somehow the slenderness of her face made her expressions all the more animated. A grimace crinkled her countenance, slowly becoming a mask of wailing, and I knew she was about to crumple into emotional tears.

“I’m stupid,” she howled!!

And my heart fell out. It literally came out of my body and dropped onto the floor. It had to of, but then it must have hopped back in, cause I could feel the ache of it all through my chest. I rushed to her.

I’m not normally one to jump up and rush to a crying child. I’m not trying to sound callous. Just being honest about parenting multiple, miniature, drama queens. I mean, it was no thing to hear a scream like a limb had been severed, only to discover the cause was something akin to a broken crayon. But this was different. My sweet, sensitive star was proclaiming insults over herself, but it was more than that. At her tone I had felt a sense of defeat in her voice, as if she was finally admitting to herself the negative connotations floating around out there.

As I reached her side she was confessing, “I spilled my drink! Again!”

A chocolate, protein drink (provided by me to help add a few ounces, at least, to her spindly frame) sat overturned in a puddle of sticky brown, soaking into the carpet, and streaked across the pages of her favorite, Bible story book. She was right about the again part. She had just spilled another of these pricy drinks in the kitchen less than a half hour earlier, but she was wrong about the “stupid” part. So I went about trying to convince her of that, while her dad mopped up thick, chocolate liquid from the hallway. Parenting was hard, man.

I mentioned as much to my husband later. I complimented his gentle handling of the situation, and he expressed my own heart in return, how hearing her ridicule herself had broken our hearts. Had we said things in the past to make her feel this way? Or to make her feel less? Probably. When you sign up for Parenting at the local job fair, no one explains how you can scar a human for life if you aren’t careful. I wasn’t one of these softie-types, who let the kids rule the roost. We believed in discipline, for sure, but we also believed in love. Every child needs both, but some need each piece in different doses.

I could correct my oldest and she’d try to argue with me about it. I could correct the youngest and she blew me off, or wrung out some fake tears of manipulation. The middle one, though. Each word she took to heart. Each word, I had learned over the years, had to be measured carefully. Like I had told my husband that same night, “she’s the child that makes you want to lose your cool the most, but she’s also the child who takes you losing your cool the hardest.”

She was my sensitive soul. She cried with pain when she felt she disappointed anyone. She was accident prone. Yet her tears were usually less about the pain of her mishap, and more about the disappointment she felt over the incident happening at all. Your human brain wanted to scream, “you klutz!” But your mother heart usually scooped in with a “it’s ok, baby. Accidents happen.”

I had learned when she was around three years old that I would need to handle her differently than I had her older sister. I could see it shining in her big, brown eyes. Something different, something spectacular. I had never seen a child so concerned with the feelings of others. I had never seen such a young child surrender her spot in line, her turn to others, or even the last piece of cake. She was a tiny thing, but somehow carried a heart bigger than the ocean. I knew God had created the most wonderful, caring spirit. I realized then that my job would be to cultivate that, and not to dim it. I wondered how many selfless souls had once existed in little bodies, but had suffered the world taking their shine away? I didn’t want to be responsible for that.

And so began the journey of parenting my special sprite. It. Was. Hard. It still is. Sometimes when she cries loudly over something I consider ridiculous I want to scream, “am I in an insane asylum, or something?!” I can’t promise I’ve never uttered those words. All I know is, God has a beautiful plan for this challenging child, and my main goal is to show her more of Jesus, and less of what I think she needs to be. Many times when I pray for her I ask the Lord not to change her, but to help me parent her the best way I can. I ask Him to give me wisdom, to help me lead her to becoming the young woman He has for her to be.

If she was in public school I’m pretty sure somewhere along the way a teacher would suggest medication for ADHD. She’s so hyper sometimes, full of energy and giggles. Sometimes I have to make her stop moving, look into my eyes and focus to hear the instructions I’m giving. I’m grateful we can provide tactile learning in an environment that stimulates her particular style of education. I would hate to see medication change the person she is.

She’s frightened easily. She cannot walk by Halloween decorations or the horror movie section in electronics. If she doesn’t like the “feeling” of a place, she’s ready to go home. If it’s too loud, she doesn’t want any part of it. Yet, in the quietness of our home or vehicle, she’s the loudest kid I know. The shy, timid one among strangers, but the class clown and comedian of family gatherings. I think her giggles could fuel a flight to the moon.

She’s a happy girl. She loves so passionately. She prays for strangers at night. She teaches me how to be compassionate to others, when I am lacking that part of me. She reminds us all how to be better human beings, each and every day. Every time I look at her I am in awe of her beauty, and each night I thank God that I get to be her mommy. I sometimes feel like I fall short in raising her, but I also cannot imagine a better blessing in life. A practice in patience, but also a treasure chest of never-ending joy. That’s the best way I know to describe raising a challenging child. I only pray I can do it well.

The Space Behind the Waterfall

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I saw a waterfall. Powerful, loud. The cascade of water fell from high and it crashed on the rock below. It fed into a large pool of blue, and bits of foam flew as it churned.

I knew the waterfall represented the power of God.

As I looked on and listened to the magnificent display I compared it to God’s hand at work in our lives. Although the sheet of rushing liquid looked like a single action, it actually consisted of millions of drops combined, billions of water molecules, trillions of hydrogen and oxygen atoms. In other words, more was going on than met the eye. The water fell, but it wasn’t just that simple.

In between the shimmering cascades I glimpsed the space behind the waterfall, and in my vision I went there, drawn by the tranquility of the cleft. As I entered the hidden room behind the magnificent water wall I realized something immediately. It was quiet there. I could hear the stillness. My ears no longer roared with the noise outside.

I realized then that I had been drawn in, closer to the presence of God, to hear His voice, to know His will.

I had asked to hear the Lord’s voice for what I should pray, and in the quietness of my minivan, on my morning commute, I heard from Him. In the quiet space, behind the water, drawn to His presence, I felt the Lord ask me to pray for the president. I knew it had to be God because I had not been a fan of the Commander in Chief recently. The harsh words of the POTUS hurt my heart, and his actions this year often made me wince. Even though I agreed with so much of the Republican Party’s policy, the un-Christ-like behavior of its leader had made it difficult for me to rally behind him.

I don’t want this to be a political post, but I couldn’t think of how to share my thoughts without being honest about the specifics. Instead of having your feathers ruffled or jumping to Trump’s defense, just try and hear me out until the end.

As the Lord led me to pray for the POTUS, I remembered some things that are easy to forget. For one, even when people don’t act like it, the fact remains that they are image-bearers. We are all made in His image, His children, and dearly loved by the Father. Regardless of our mistakes. That is grace. It didn’t mean we shouldn’t be held to high standards, or a certain behavior maintained for a certain position, but it did mean I couldn’t forget how the people that I disagree with, still mattered immensely to God. Secondly, there was the waterfall.

God worked a lot like that waterfall. He was so big, powerful, and multifaceted; we couldn’t see all the parts of His work. We couldn’t fathom each piece of His plan. All I felt in that moment was that I needed to press in close, behind the scene. I needed to get away from the noise of the outside and seek His inner heart. Although it wasn’t what I expected, or what I would have chosen on my own, I felt strongly the Lord impress to me that it was His desire for Trump to be the President. Like, He wanted him there.

Then I felt like he wouldn’t be elected in November, though. I can’t really say I understood that at first. From what I know, God’s will always prevails, right? I’ve prayed about this, and still feel the same about it. I guess the best way to describe it is, I felt it impressed to me that it was God’s desire for Trump to be in the office, but He would allow that not to happen. I don’t know what that means for our future, but I do know that God works like that waterfall. It was God’s will that I marry my husband, Ben, but God allowed me to make a wrong decision and marry another man first (before it ended horribly). Then He brought us back to His original will (Ben and I being husband and wife). In His mercy and grace He brought us back. Like the magnificent waterfall.

So, I guess I’m saying I think that this election will not come out like many Christians hope. God wants His plan for us, but then He also allows us to find our way there. We make many missteps, but in our stumbles He teaches the greatest lessons. I have felt all year like the Lord is bringing forth His true church, a beautiful collection of saints who desire to live out His heart. I’ve met a lot of people with that heart, but I think it may take a little refining fire to bring it out of others. I mean, we are all image-bearers. Some just resemble His image a little closer than others. I humbly admit, I am still working on my shine. I know it’s often times distorted.

I do know that this particular morning the Lord led me to pray for a man I would not have on my own. I’ll admit that. He also reminded me that His way of accomplishing something is beyond what I think or imagine. He let me know that the only way I’ll keep in step with His Will is by pressing in closely and cutting off the noise outside. So that’s my plan from here on out.

I’m aware this post will be met with a raised brow by some who read it, and many people will think I’m way off base. Perhaps I am. Thankfully, I don’t need to always be right, but I do know I’m listening, and that is what we all must do more of. I do know I’m praying when and for what He leads me to pray for, and I’m reading and holding to His Word. I don’t seek the approval of man. I’ll simply seek the space behind the waterfall. That’s where I meet my Father.

Why You Mad, Though?!

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I have never seen people angrier than they’ve been in 2020. Am I right?! I mean, I’ve seen people mad about masks more than I ever imagined possible. As a healthcare worker, I assumed face masks to be used for the protection of self and others, but this year I learned they’re actually an affront to personal freedom. I can’t believe I’ve been unknowingly under the thumb of tyrannical, hospital administration for twenty years!

I joke, but in all seriousness, have you noticed the tense nature of human interaction at large this year? Barely a quarter into the pandemic, groups began to emerge. People separated by their opinions, but worse, pushed apart by those same disagreements. It no longer became a simple difference of ideas, but rather a battle for who was right.

I could have probably ignored the strong will and raging meme wars if not for the fact that it continued past the stay-at-home orders. The Country began to set-up differing camps based not just on COVID-19 theories, but rather separated on issues of racial equality. A topic that would seem cut and dry (as in, all men are created equal) suddenly became convoluted by matters that shouldn’t. In other words, someone’s ability to be murdered was weighed against their possible, past criminal record. And instead of agreeing that marginalized minorities should be supported, a sadly large number of people argued the idea that injustice even existed. Racism became as much a hoax to some as coronavirus had been deemed, and then the ridiculousness really began.

People began to question the salvation of fellow Christians based on political affiliation. Society began to rate civil issues on a scale. Such as, human trafficking compared to racism, or pedophilia up against civil rights. We suddenly became increasingly concerned over the validity of hospital recording data for patient demise, and the layman became an expert in things like carbon dioxide levels while wearing a facial covering. It was proclaimed that respect for fellow man could not be displayed by resting your weight on a knee, lest it undo your dedication to a Higher Power. We learned Pizza was more than food, when combined with the word Gate, and apparently the Queen of England is into cannibalism. You could question the moral compass of a stranger on Facebook, but not the POTUS. You could ignore the need of those hurting around you, but pounce immediately on anyone with an opinion different from your own. You could rate sin on a scale from overlook-able to definitely burning in hell, and you could be certain that everything going on around you meant the end is near.

I think we can all agree it’s been a year of firsts for us. First time in a pandemic, first time to see things like flags change, or Walmart closing one entire entrance of its store. Mask mandates, racial equality measures enacted, and by far the worst presidential debate in history (although, I’ll admit I’m going off hearsay; couldn’t stomach watching in myself). I could probably make a pretty lengthy list of things that have blown my mind this year, and I’ve even seen some pretty good memes joking about how nothing in 2020 would come as a surprise anymore. But y’all, I am still in awe over the behavior of mankind. I’m still surprised by the attitude of society. In fact, I’m devastated by the anger I’ve seen displayed across the board. It’s mind blowing.

The other day I was praying about the anger. I mean, everyone is on edge (or so it seems). Everyone is mad about something, easily offended, and way too quick to speak in anger. Myself included, I’ll admit. So not only has this been a year of firsts in previously mentioned regards, but also a year of the first time I’ve ever seen so much unbridled rage, division, and disagreement. It’s been terrible. Can we at least agree on that?!

But anyway, as I was praying I felt the Lord speak this to my heart… “They’re afraid.”

It was only two, simple words, but they hit me like a ton of bricks. The truth of the statement rang solidly with my spirit. The thing is, the majority of the time (as in most of the time), anger is simply fear manifested. Anger is fear of loss. And there’s been a lot of warranted fear of loss this year. Fear for our health, fear for our freedom, fear for our lives, fear for our country, and fear for the innocent or mistreated among us. I’m not saying I don’t get it, but I am saying we need to deal with this another way. We cannot allow fear of the unknown to mutate into anger for what’s in front of us. We say that we know this isn’t a battle of flesh and blood we fight, yet that’s exactly who we’re fighting against. We say the real enemy is evil, yet we feel it necessary to give evil our own labels, such as Democrat or Republican. We take our fear of civil unrest and lump it together in a group titled BLM, Antifa, or white supremacy. We try and ease our fears of evil among us by becoming “woke” to the inner secrets of society’s worst. If we can give evil a tangible face we somehow feel a measure of relief. And before you misunderstand, I do believe evil manifests itself in the natural, working through man, but we must remember that the real enemy has already been defeated.

I believe if we could adjust our mindsets to one of a Kingdom nature, we could let go of our fear and loosen the grip our anger has taken. If we can surrender our offense, understanding that God is in control of all things, we can move forward in Kingdom purposes. We can lead people to an eternal perspective rather than bickering over worldly matters that are here today and gone tomorrow. This isn’t easy! It takes daily redoing. Every day we must lay down our flesh, our judgement, and our offense in exchange for God’s truth. We let go of fear, we humble ourselves, and we have faith that the God who began a good work in us (all of us) is going to complete it.

I saw a lot of my friends on Facebook (from all walks of life, opinions, and political affiliations) agree on one thing. They agreed that the presidential debate was horrible. But y’all, those guys gave us exactly what they thought we wanted. They called each other names for all the watching name-callers. They were rude, petty, argumentative, unforgiving, and prideful, just as the majority of our Country has been this year. How can we expect more from our elected leaders than we have supplied ourselves? We are reaping what we sow, but I’m trying to be hopeful that we can turn it around. So, let’s try and agree that the mess we’re in, we are all responsible for, and we can only fix it together. Deal?

How to Hear the Voice of God Better

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Do you remember the Kevin Costner film from 1989 titled Field of Dreams? In the movie (based on a novel) an Iowa corn farmer is walking through his field when he sees a vision of a baseball field and hears a voice say, “build it and he will come.” Although everyone thinks he’s crazy, he is so certain that he’s supposed to build a baseball field in his cornfield so Shoeless Joe Jackson can come play there, that despite public opinion he plows down his corn and steps out in this unconventional calling. I won’t ruin the plot for you if you haven’t seen it, but let’s just say that his commitment to carry forth the word he’s given does more for his personal life and spiritual growth than something as simple as a baseball legend coming to visit.

The words uttered in that film, “build it and he will come,” resounded with me deeply when I recalled them yesterday and not because I loved that old movie so much, but rather due to the spiritual significance they spoke.

If we build it, He will come.

Our bodies are a temple for the Holy Spirit, and as such, when we consecrate that space for Him, He is faithful to meet us there. The problem with our temples is they become too crowded for His Spirit to comfortably reside there. Our minds are filled with worries, and our hearts filled with anxiety. We harbor guilt, anger, and unforgiveness on the shelves of our mind. We spend our time on television, social media, or our busy schedule more than we do laying a good foundation in our spirit. Hey, I’m guilty too, but if you desire to hear more from the Lord, I’ve found you must close out the distraction and noise of this world to be able to listen. His voice is a whisper.

  

I’ve taken to practicing a daily unloading of the world. Usually first thing in the morning while in the shower I will quiet my heart and mind, close my eyes, and picture that I am standing at the foot of a throne. In the highest seat is Jesus, and I mentally and emotionally unload my burdens. I pray in surrender and tell the Lord something like, “today I give you all my anxiety, worries, and uncertainty. I exchange them for your Spirit and peace.”

I’ve noticed a tremendous upswing in my day with this simple practice of surrender. In it, I am acknowledging His supreme power in my life. I’m admitting I cannot do it alone. Many times I will imagine myself walking in a field with Jesus, simply spending carefree time with my Savior. I will pray out loud something like, “thank you that I am in you, and you are in me, and we are one with the Father, seated in Heavenly places.” By repeating these powerful words of truth I am acknowledging scripture, believing that the troubles of this world mean little compared to His power, His kingdom, and His plans for me.

When we can pray, listen, and read the Word, the Lord will speak to our hearts. He will impart His plans, His knowledge, and His heart, but I’ve found the key to hearing that still, small voice is pushing out the noise that distracts us. And when I say noise, I don’t just mean the television or screaming children. I’m referring to the noise in our heads, the to-do lists, or the lies from the enemy that say how we perform in life is more important than who God made us to be. The lies that compare us to others, or worry about the opinion of others versus who God says we are. To hear from the Lord is to lay down your life, meaning you would give up anything and everything, including and foremost the things of this world.

There is no room in our bodies, hearts, and minds for anything other than God, but we continue to fill the spaces with it. The thing is, those things don’t satisfy, they just leak out leaving us feeling empty. If we build it, though, He will come. If we empty our houses, clean them of the things not of God, and open the doors in anticipation of His Spirit, He will come and make His home in us. And much like our friend Kevin Costner learned, He will bring us much greater things than we ever imagined.

How I Support Black Lives Matter as a Christian

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I didn’t plan to revisit this topic. Sometimes discussing political matters feels like beating a dead horse, but I’m discovering that while some situations appear to be political, or perhaps are manipulated by politics, they are in essence a quality of life issue, a matter of relationship, and a practice of love. With that in mind, how can I not discuss a topic that brings so many questions. In fact, I’ve had so many people reach out to me concerning Black Lives Matter (BLM), that I feel it necessary to answer those questions. I just recently had a very kind email sincerely asking how I (a white, middle-aged, Christian woman) respond to BLM and still uphold my values and moral obligations. So, allow me to explain.

Do you recall how in scripture that when Jesus came He turned the religious world upside-down? Like, the Jewish, religious leaders had an absolute fit with His behavior. They couldn’t understand how a man who claimed to love God could hang out with sinners, tax collectors, or prostitutes. They couldn’t accept these teachings about eating flesh or drinking blood. Sure, He had His twelve (albeit, one would betray Him), but a large number of disciples/followers shrank back at the difficulty of His teachings. He brought this new covenant that people couldn’t quite understand, but when they did, it changed their life. Do you remember the Samaritan woman?

First, Samaritans didn’t interact with Jews. Jewish people considered themselves of a higher station than the Samaritans, but Jesus came to breakdown stereotypes and worldly systems. Second, let’s not forget this woman at the well was a big-time sinner. She not only had broken the code by being unlawfully divorced, but she was living out of wedlock with one man while still married to another. Dude! Why in the world would a man preaching salvation and forgiveness of sin decide to reveal Himself as the son of God to someone with five husbands?!

One thing I’ve discovered in my walk with the Lord is that we as humans get sidetracked a lot. We build our churches on a foundation other than the Cornerstone. What I mean by that is we have a tendency to place a lot of importance on the religious laws, and not so much on Jesus. He came to show us a new way, but over the course of 2,000 years or so, we have fallen back into old habits. Do you remember when the Holy Spirit spoke to Peter in a dream in Acts and told him not to make unclean what God had made clean? He was alluding to the Jewish law about forbidden meats, but this dream spoke to people rather than meat. It was an acceptance of Gentiles into the faith, but it also speaks to the New Covenant that brings us all grace through forgiveness of sin. It’s not to say that the law isn’t important (we need both), but to understand the law isn’t all there is. There is mercy, grace, and love. There is Jesus. And remember, He was known for shaking things up.

In the church today, much like the church of then, we assign much value to our laws. The Bible still stands as an instruction manual for Holy living, but as task-oriented humans, we can place too much of our focus on building the faith via the rules, and less focus on building the faith through the love of Christ. We bring people to salvation through fear of damnation, and less through the light of His love, which in turn will bring truth. In other words, we focus on “this is right, that is wrong, and that’s the bottom line.”

Here’s the problem Conservative Christianity sees with BLM. They see a website, a political organization, or a moral code. They see paragraphs that support non-Biblical values on a political website founded by another human with differing values. What they don’t see is the hurting hearts of their brothers and sisters of color. They don’t see the Samaritan woman at the well who needs living water, this hurting woman who wants to worship, but is held back by Jewish practices. Instead they see an adulterous, divorcee, who is living a life of sin openly and doesn’t even care! How dare she!

The thing is, the Samaritan woman isn’t even a prime example for this moment in our personal history. My friends of color have made no poor decisions that have left them marginalized. They were simply born into a station in life where many consider them unworthy of being equal (like the Samaritans). That isn’t right, and it isn’t something Jesus would support. His way was considered radical for the time, and I suppose that today when people choose to love like He showed us it is also too radical for the church.

I could come up with scripture all day showing why loving your neighbor as yourself is the way of Jesus, but religious opposers would come back with just as much scripture pointing to laws and sin that somehow couldn’t support the equal treatment of the black lives of fellow human beings. At the end of the day, for me, it’s not about a political organization, it’s about human life. It’s not about the moral values of a few people who created an organizational statement, but about the hundreds of black friends I speak with personally who are treated unjustly and left heartbroken and fearful. It’s about the people at my table, not the religious practices held above that.

For me, it comes down to those clothe bracelets people wore when I was in school that said W.W.J.D. (What Would Jesus Do). Daily I read the words of Jesus, and when I read those words and pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit, I am led to love my brothers and sisters. I am led to lead in love and allow His truth to shine the brightest through that. God knows my heart; so who exactly is it I fear misunderstanding my Christian values when I support BLM? Is it the lost? No, I don’t think so. They’re lost. It actually probably pushes them from Christianity if I don’t stand for injustice. Is it fellow believers who I worry will think I’ve given up the commandments of my God? But they don’t hold the key to my salvation. Also, don’t forget that everything you read isn’t true. In the end, the question really becomes, do I invite the tax collector to dinner? Do I walk out of my way to end up at the well the exact same time as an adulterous woman? Do I step outside of religious obligation to show love and invite the hurting to the table of my Lord who heals?

I have discovered that a lot of people will disagree with me, and that’s ok. I promise, there’s no need to send anymore angry emails. I’ve gotten the point. But because I have loving hearts who have asked, this is my answer. How do you stand by your Christian values while supporting the hurting (black lives)? You do it just like Jesus did. It’s no secret when you read the Gospels that Jesus held the lives of people above the book of the law. For Him, leading people to His Father was the goal, not ensuring they came to the table dirt-free. He let the Father take care of that. He did not allow the religious practices to keep Him from showing another that they were precious and worthwhile to the Father. He just didn’t.

I won’t claim I’m right and others are wrong. I can only speak for my heart, and I can only share what the Lord has spoke to my heart. I can only tell you to do what I have done. Study the Word, pray, and seek Spirit and truth on this matter. My words (or those from another blogger) shouldn’t determine your position. The opinion of your friends, the news, or your political beliefs shouldn’t drive your behavior towards others. In the end, you stand at the well, and you decide if you can give someone a drink who is thirsty. If all lives matter, then all lives matter. Despite politics, despite sin, despite agenda, despite moral obligation, and despite religion. Stop allowing BLM to be about politics for you. That’s what the media and the world would try and convince you it’s all about. Why can’t it just be about the love the statement (black lives matter) implies? If all lives matter, then why can’t black lives matter too?

Can You Love as Adamantly as You Disagree?

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I guess you’ve noticed my drop in posting lately. I’ve taken a step back from social media and public opinion so I could focus on the Lord and His next steps for our family. Despite whether I’ve been writing the past couple of weeks or not, though, my inbox has kept steady with communication from strangers who have come across my writing. This has always been the case, and for the most part I receive lovely encouragement from others. Sometimes I do not. Lately I’ve gotten more ALL-CAPS angry emails than usual, and it hasn’t surprised me a bit considering the state of our country presently. It’s the main reason I took a social media hiatus, but that doesn’t stop my ‘contact me’ box from remaining open.

This past week I received an email from a stranger who had stumbled across a blog post I wrote back in early June 2020 questioning how Jesus might perceive the phrase Black Lives Matter. I could recall it being a well-received post from the people close to me who knew my heart, but as the article swept across the Nation it received mixed reviews. Or perhaps it’s just the angriest voices that speak the loudest. Regardless, the email I received from a man I did not know in reference to this post started by calling me a “daughter of Satan.”

I could go on with the remainder of the insults therein. I could even post it here with his name, but that would be me retaliating for my offense, and that’s not actually what I’m doing here. I don’t take offense. It only makes me sad. Sad that someone who doesn’t even know me took the time to follow a few links to my webpage, contact form, and pen a rage-filled paragraph for me. I guess you could say I’m getting pretty used to it, though. The night before I was labeled by another stranger a “heretic” and guilty of “leading people astray.” I think I’ve had my salvation questioned more in the past few months than ever in my life. But let’s get to the point, shall we.

Let’s put Facebook posts and blog articles aside. I mean, everyone has opinions, and anyone is free to start their own webpage and proclaim them. But, it’s like my husband has told me numerous times, you’ll never influence people with words you share on the internet as much as you will by the life you lead each day. And this was certainly true. I have come to realize this year that opinions will change as we grow. I mean, when I was looking for the link to the recent article I shared above for BLM, I found another I had written in 2016. It was very different. In fact, I think the gentleman who called me a child of Satan probably would have applauded my previous work, but that is neither here or there. My point is, opinions change, people change. Who you vote for in one election may alter drastically in later years, but it’s not our politics that impact the lives around us for Jesus. It’s how we live each day.

My last day of work at the hospital I’ve been at in Orlando, I sat with the most adorable nursing assistant ever. I love her, and she makes me laugh out loud, literally, with her amazing sense of humor. She’s a great tech, and I enjoyed working with her. As we spoke about my upcoming move I brought up the subject of racial injustice. It was a topic newer to me, but one the Lord had really stoked in my spirit this year. Once I opened up the dialogue, and knowing my heart like she did, she began to release her emotions freely. She cried while she expressed her fears to me for her nineteen year old son. She shared personal stories of his interaction with law enforcement, and she recounted a situation of when he didn’t come home at curfew, and her and her mom got frantic with the worry he had been pulled over and shot. She talked about how happy she was that he loved to play video/computer games because it kept him mostly in his room, where she could be certain he was safe.

I couldn’t understand her feelings here. I mean, I wanted to. I sympathized with her concerns as a mother, but I couldn’t fully empathize with her plight. I didn’t have to. I was the mother of four, white daughters. So what I did instead was listen as she spilled her emotions. Then I told her, “I can’t even begin to imagine how this feels, but I can tell you this. This isn’t right. You should not have to feel this way! I love you, and I stand by you in this fight.”

The thing is, I had been working alongside this woman for two years. She knew I was a Christian. She heard me listen to worship music while I charted, but she also knew I loved Jesus by my actions. She saw it in the way I treated my patients for years, but now, on my last day, I made it apparent to her that I loved her like Jesus would have me to. I saw her, and I held her concerns of value. I loved her just by listening. I loved her by offering my support.

I think that too often in this life we complicate things that are really quite simple. Like the Pharisees in the day of Jesus we focus on things that perhaps we should not. When Jesus and His disciples walked through a field the Pharisees attacked them for picking grain and eating it on the Sabbath. They were hungry, and they took of the bounty God had given. But the religious sect focused on the law (no work, or harvesting grain on Sunday) rather than feeding the need of others. I think that today, instead of choosing to walk with Jesus in that field of wheat, we’re sitting on the sidelines checking the boxes that keep us in the category of Christian according to religion. If we can say we support the right causes, vote the right color, and call out the really big sins, then we’re good. If we can attend services on Sunday we can check the box, but we don’t have to do much beyond that. We can neglect those who need us most. We can keep our Christian friends happy, but forget that it’s the sick who need a physician the most. Those are the words of Jesus, not mine. It was His response when the church leaders of the day ridiculed Him for hanging out with the wrong crowd.

I will be transparent here and tell you that when I got that email I was hurt. What’s the best way to try and cut a lover of Jesus? By questioning their salvation, or their dedication to Him. It seems that this is how fellow believers have disagreed with me lately, by calling into question my Christianity. But do you know who has never questioned it? The lost. I have crossed paths with many people who don’t live a life dedicated to the Lord, but they never question that I do. They learn of my Christianity by the cross I wear around my neck, by the music I listen to, by the scripture I post on social media, or by the words I say. They learn of my dedication to Jesus by the way I live my life each day, by the way I treat others, respond to adversity, and most importantly, by how I love.

I read the Bible a lot. Despite some comments from others telling me I need to read my Bible, I actually do. Like, I read it for hours a day, daily. I love the Word, I crave it, and I find it gives me peace when this world seems crazy. In my study of scripture I’ve never found the parts that state a specific political affiliation is required. I’ve never seen the part where Jesus pinpointed the top three sins of all time. I’ve never found the part that tells us to ridicule those with different opinions, or those who sin differently than ourselves. I do recall something about us all falling short, and I definitely remember a time or two where He instructed us to love others like ourselves. Even to lay down our lives for a brother.

Lay down your life for a friend (John 15:13). I used to think that meant dying physically so someone else could live, much like a civilian hero or soldier on the battlefield. And perhaps it does. But I also think it means metaphorically laying down your life, like, being able to lay down what the world thinks, the reputation of man, the opinion of those besides the Father. It means hanging out with tax collectors even when the Pharisees snub their noses. It means offering healing to those that some might leave bleeding on the side of the road (shout out to the Samaritans). It means standing up for what is right, even if it’s not popular opinion. It means demanding change even as people question something that only God can know. Like your heart motives. To lay down your life means to sacrifice for others, just like Jesus modeled to us. It means to love people you’ve never met, take the punishment for something you didn’t personally do, or humble yourself, even to death, albeit death of your presumptions.

I read an excerpt from Jared Byas, Love Matters More, that said, “Somehow we’ve duped ourselves into thinking that what we believe is more important than how we believe. Perhaps it’s time to remember that love matters more than just believing in God in our heads and that love is a verb.”

I wonder what would happen if we loved as well as we disagree? What if we decided to love others as much as we love our own opinion? What if we laid down offense, laid down our lives, and simply loved instead? Could we admit we have been wrong, admit others have been wrong, or try to be better today than we were yesterday? Maybe we could even throw off the labels we wear. We could decide that it’s not Democrat or Republican, so much as listen and learn. It’s not just liberal or conservative, but kindness and kingdom-thinking. Then we could remember that leading others to Jesus is more important than standing on the right side of a political battle or internet argument. Then we could remember that it’s our fruit of the spirit that will make us known as followers of Him, and certainly not the angry words we throw to a stranger.

I Don’t Need to Always Be Right, But I Do Need This…

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I was driving home from work after a long day at the hospital bedside. As the end of Summer said farewell, the sunsets this time of year added their own salutation with flattering colors of scarlet, mango, and periwinkle to wave their wispy fingers in a too-da-loo gesture. As I drove down a secluded, winding road to avoid toll fees in my commute, I marveled at God’s handiwork brushed across the canvas of the sky. Up ahead a lake swept across the rolling landscape, and the mirror of its waters reflected the pallet of Heaven’s glorious light show.

In awe I whispered, “thank you, Lord,” while mentally the phrase “I love you so much” mixed with my comment of thanksgiving. Like a familiar melody the love song of my soul harmonized with the gratitude of my spirit, and together encapsulated the epitome of my existence. To love Him.

At that exact moment, weighted by the emotion of true love, kept joyful by the restoration of relationship, certain of my purpose forever, I thought, “at least I’ve got that part figured out.”

Loving Him.

This year has been one of much heartache. It’s been a jumbled mess of months of uncertainty. The spectrum of my human emotion has experienced the highest highs, but more than that, the lowest lows. The strain of so much out of my control, and the stress of human relationships. I’ve spent a lot of time in disagreement with others this year. And even knowing that the enemy was the one stoking the fire of discord, I found it difficult to extinguish my own flame of anger. Raw emotion had been abraded more than I could stand, and I had found myself wanting to crawl into a hidey-hole, a safe place with just Jesus and me. This year has been hard. Did I say that already?

My point is, I have spent a lot of time this year questioning myself. I would feel the Holy Spirit speak, but then I would feel doubt. I would circle back, again and again. I have spent more time quietly listening to the Lord this year than I ever have before. I’ve spent more time in the Word, craving scripture like the air I breathe. I’ve seen the Lord reveal so many new things to me this year, and I’ve seen my thoughts and words trampled on when others didn’t agree. A lot of my writings are published beyond my personal website, and I had to stop reading the comments of strangers on other platforms that carried my writing. The opinions of others painted me in a less than flattering light. In other words, I discovered the louder you speak words that step on toes, the more likely yours are to be hammered. Aside from hearing from the Lord more this year than ever, I’ve also experienced doubt unlike ever before. People didn’t like what I said. That must mean I’m wrong. Or something like that.

As I drove past the beauty of a sunset reflected on rippling water, I thought of David. That man had made some less than stellar decisions in his lifetime. In fact, he had messed up majorly a time or two. But for me, his mistakes were not what I remembered him for. His missteps didn’t define his character. I had always thought of David as God described him, “a man after my own heart.”

I can’t say if I have the gift of prophecy, but I do know I love the Lord my God more than anything in this world. I’m not sure if wisdom is my forte, but I do desire to love and serve the Lord more than I desire my own life. I may lay down arguments hesitantly, but I will always and easily lay down my life for Jesus. I am sometimes guilty of succumbing to public opinion, but I will never be guilty of not surrendering to God. I don’t know if I’m right about this or that, but I do know I serve a righteous God, a God who is just. I know I love Him, and I love others because of Him. I don’t know if I hear His voice correctly, but I do know I always want to listen. His voice is the one I desire most. I can give up carbs in my diet, but His bread I will always require. I can never seem to quench my thirst for H2O, but His living water satisfies my soul. I don’t need to always be right, or liked, or agreed with, but I do need the love of Him. Thankfully, I have just that. I may not know what the outcome of life will be in the next few months, but I know how to love Him. And that gives me peace.

A Call to Christian Soldiers

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Every morning as I drive to work in the dark I pray. After praying for my day, my children, and my spouse, I usually allow the Holy Spirit to lead the rest of my prayers. Sometimes I pray for a specific friend or family member, and sometimes I pray for the world in general. This morning, though, I prayed for the unseen.

For some time now I have felt unrest under the surface. Starting back in March I could feel it, this unknown yet enormous conflict. The Lord began to speak to me about the battle that rages here on earth, and though we’ve seen a lot of arguments lately, that’s not the fighting I refer to. No. The battle I mention is waged in another world, a realm beyond what human eyes can normally see, although you might feel it on a spiritual level. And it will certainly affect you on a physical one.

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Demons and demonic influence are not just the stuff of Hollywood and horror movies, and while it makes for good entertainment, I suppose, it’s the furthest thing from fiction. The powers of good and evil are in an epic battle, and although we cannot see it, you have to admit you’ve felt the repercussions this year.

Have you felt down, depressed, and anxious? While you might want to blame it all on the physical circumstances of this year, I can assure you there’s more to it. Have you found yourself easily angered, to the point of rage, over the actions of others? It’s not just a difference in opinion. You’re experiencing spiritual warfare. For although the battle between angelic and demonic forces is occurring beyond what our human eye can perceive, that doesn’t mean we don’t suffer the after effects. Like a shock wave, the invisible, spiritual theme is being set for what is going on in a kingdom sense. While the armies position themselves for war, we find ourselves, human beings encouraged to position ourselves for battle.

The forces of evil are not just fighting angelic armies. They are also fighting mankind. But like their commander, the great deceiver, the father of lies, the prince of this world, they too are a sneaky bunch. They don’t appear in visible form to frighten you. That would be too obvious of their intent. No. They whisper to you. They tell little lies, over and over, until you believe they are true.

Never, in my lifetime, have I seen such blatant deception taking over so many. I’m sure you’ve seen it too. Things that normally would be recognized immediately as false are suddenly being given credit this season. Obvious evil is being called good, and atrocious acts are being called justified. I used to scoff at how mankind could possibly fall for the antics of the Antichrist, but this year I’ve seen it’s possible. The veil is thicker than it’s ever been, and the only explanation is a spiritual deception, an oppression so strong that it’s blinding.

Words that normally would be thought about before spoken out loud, have really been flying this year. Harsh, cruel, hateful insults thrown without care for the harm they can do. The apparent gentlest of people have erupted with almost monstrous glee. My jaw has dropped more times than I can count from the heinous comments I’ve seen fly over social media. Love has been suppressed in favor of rage. Understanding has been vanquished. Empathy eroded. Anger stoked. Conspiracy bred in abundance. Jesus weeps, and the devil cackles with laughter.

I have spent a lot of time this year in scripture, in prayer, and in quiet, listening to the Holy Spirit. I believe that God is doing something very big. I think Kingdom impact is happening, the harvest is near, and because of that Satan is also in overtime to try and turn it around before the final act. A war for mankind goes on behind the scenes, this year more than any other, I think, and that is why we are seeing such waves in the physical realm. It’s not just by chance this year has been so horrible, that tempers have been so short, that violence has been so widespread, that deception has been so thick, but also that eyes have been opened like never before, or that justice has begun to get a grip in this world. Change is on the horizon. Now is the time for the church to take action.

The Lord is calling all believers to pray without ceasing. Christian soldiers are being called to the frontlines of a battle you cannot yet see. I don’t care whether you are crying out for the unborn or marching in protest of racial injustice, God is calling us all to fight the good fight. Whether you’re #blm, backing the blue, or screaming all lives matter, you are called to intercede for the Kingdom. It seems that on many issues the church is divided within the physical realm, but the time has come for us to unite in the spiritual realm.

The fact is, as believers, we may be temporary citizens in this world, but we are not of it. By the blood of Jesus we’ve risen above this temporal world, and until we are completely relocated to the new earth, we would do good to remember our heritage. We don’t serve the prince of this world. We serve the King of all Kings. Our King is calling us to bear arms, but He is calling us to fight the real enemy rather than one another. He is calling us to hit our knees, to take the stance of faithful intercession, and to pray for our world. Not just our country, and not just one group of people. I don’t care whether you’re Republican or left-leaning, the Lord is calling all believers to a time of prayer. He wants us to stand, but before we stand for a particular platform or agenda, He wants us to stand for His Kingdom, which is so much greater than the physical problems we see manifesting in this world.

So, please don’t misunderstand. Continue to fight for justice for all, but love your enemy. Continue to stand up for freedom and religious rights, but not by standing on the back of anyone who disagrees with you. Speak out for truth, but not by believing the enemy’s lies to do it. Seek Him first, and He will lead you towards the rest. Now, more than ever, we must fight the real enemy, and we must unite in this common goal. We must commit to prayer for the battles we cannot see that are creating the battles we do. This is the calling of all Christian soldiers. Please join me, as we link spiritual arms, and support the real cause for Christ.