Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

When Your Well-Made Plans Fall Through

by Leave a Comment

Proverbs 16:9 (NLV)

We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.

This verse popped into my head last night, and I just had to laugh. It’s all I could do. I’ll be perfectly honest, though; at first I wanted to cry. All the plans I had made, and not a single one had panned out. In fact, each one, one by one had fallen through. Now what were we gonna do?!

A month off! Sounds good, but crazy, right?! I mean, it’s not like I had paid time off. It’s not even like we had some huge nest egg set back to pull from. Nope. All I had was certainty. I’ve stopped questioning my ability to hear from the Lord. When I feel Him leading me in a certain direction, well, I just go. I used to obsess back and forth, “is this really God’s will,” but I learned something pretty darn important. Are you ready for this nugget?

He’ll work it out regardless.

I’ve found that you often have to step out of your comfort zone to follow where God is leading. Sometimes we can use the excuse of “I’m not sure it’s God’s will” to keep us from doing something scary, and as a side effect we never experience the blessing he had in mind. It takes courage to hear from the Lord, but once you can trust that he’s speaking to you, especially in the big things, it will simply become second nature to follow him for the little things. It took me a while to grasp this. The great, grand conclusion is that even if you accidentally turn left when God says right, he’ll just have you bust a couple more lefts to get around the block.

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Anyway, back to my story. I had decided to take the month of December off work as a travel nurse. I felt like God was leading us to take that time. I felt it was a needed rest, a time of rejuvenation for my husband, and much needed communion with my loved ones beyond our immediate family circle. I felt I needed to take those five weeks off from work so strongly that I just made the decision and did it!

I remember telling a coworker, “I’m not sure we have the funds to take off all that time, but I’m walking it out in faith.”

Even though I knew in my heart God wanted us to take this sabbatical, and I knew he was our provider, you better believe I set out planning. And that’s a good thing. I’m a quarter fly by the seat of my pants, half map it out accordingly, and 1/4 let the chips fall where they may, after my map flies out the window. Which is exactly what happened.

I started by squirreling money away, telling the kids no, placing a freeze on eating out. All good things. I kept running through the numbers, like, repeatedly tallying debits versus credits, to the point that even I felt convicted.

“Sorry, Lord,” I’d say as I put my calculator down. “I just need to trust you on this.”

The numbers were there, though, and that honestly gave me peace to know we weren’t being total idiots. With our camping membership in play, the whole time back home with family would be a rent-free stay for our RV, and I even found parks along the route home that would be free or no more than $10 for the night. I was pretty proud of myself.

“Oh, I’m sorry hon,” the lady on the phone said. “There are no vacancies.”

And so it began. Every stop I had planned, didn’t go as planned. The park within our camping membership back home that promised a three week stay for free? Closed for the season. Not one single plan I made went as planned, and I’ve found that happens in this life. As much as I want to try and fix everything before it’s even broken, some things I just don’t have the knowledge to mend. But my Poppa does.

I told a friend last night, “if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past two years, it’s that it will work out.”

Y’all, God is faithful to those who trust in him. We certainly don’t deserve it, but he continues to pour out his great grace and favor over us. The past couple of years have been a faith-building journey of uncertainty, yet through it all God always made a way. Nowhere to stay? He would place something unexpectedly in our path. Good health, safety, and provision always given. If an unexpected repair came up, then the funds came through. We learned not to worry what our next step would be. We just kept our eye on our guide. Jesus. Always Jesus.

It’s like, the more I placed my trust in him, the more he supplied his favor. I said I laughed when I thought of that verse from Proverbs because I know God’s not done with me yet.

Last night I told the Lord, “well, I guess you’re not done showing me what all you can do.”

My faith isn’t perfect, y’all. Far from it. You better believe I got a little twitchy thinking about the extra funds needed for lot rent for the month of December, but then the Holy Spirit whispered that verse. See, besides being just okay at my faith, I’m also just an alright planner, but thankfully my all-knowing God’s got this. My plans can fall through, and I don’t have to sweat it, because my trust is in him. Where he leads, he provides, and in the end, that’s really all I need to know.

Why Do We Celebrate Anxiety?

by 2 Comments

“Girl, I am so busy! I’m about to lose my mind!”

We make a joke, make light of the situation, while in reality we just went into the bathroom and cried. Have you noticed yet that we’ve become a society who wears busyness like a badge of honor? It’s as if the fuller our plate here on earth, the greater our reward one day will be. But to me that represents a merit based system the world has created rather than the grace we’ve been gifted. We end up building who we are on what we do, and I don’t think it’s supposed to be that way.

A man who goes to his job sun-up til sundown, 6-7 days a week is a “good provider.” To be a good mother we are convinced we must reach a certain plateau. Our children must be pristinely groomed in the latest fashion, ready for a photo op at a moment’s notice. You need the right brands, the right house, and the right vehicle. Success is equated with the size of your pocket book, and your Christianity is based on Sunday attendance or how many ways you donate. And while I’ll be the first to admit those things do have their importance, we’ve convoluted our thinking to assume they’re the most important.

Young moms are bringing their babies to Sunday service not because they crave the presence of Jesus and His worshipping church, but rather because it’s expected. They dress their tots in matching, monogrammed outfits not for their own pleasure, but rather to appear like their life is as presentable as their children’s wardrobes. We lose sight of the ragged appearance of the Gospel, like our piety holds precedence over the bloody scene on Calvary. Not to say we don’t need reverence, but when you place it above the cross you’ve elevated man before His Savior.

We become what we do. It’s all a show. There’s a parade of what a perfect life should be, and everyone is in line to put on their costume for the day. Every day becomes the same, a repetition of being who we think we need to be, not who we were meant to be. In other words, we’re allowing the world to direct our steps, and we’re pushing the will of God into the closet with the gift bags and tissue paper we hold on to for a rainy day. Do you really think the Lord is grading our performance?

God wants our love, and the world wants our distraction. If we get lost in becoming what we see on Instagram, we’ll miss who Jesus wants us to become. If we’re placing our importance on how many plates we can spin, we’ll forget who to cry out to when they fall. When our perfect world comes crashing down, we’ll be lost on how to pick up the pieces.

We worry, oh Lord, do we worry. We worry where our sustenance will come from. We place our trust in horses and chariots to win our wars, for its our savings account that saves us. It’s our insurance that ensures we’re taken care of. It’s our devotion to our clean homes, cleanly swept walkway, and community reputation that gives us our purpose. We shine our windows so the world can see the outward beauty we project, but the chimneys, those hidden, dark places are filthy with soot. Our hearts are corrupted, but our front yard is maintained. We can check the boxes of soccer mom and baseball dad, but meanwhile we’re sleeping in separate beds. We can throw the perfect holiday party, but our soul feels as dirty as the kitchen sink the day after. But at least our Christmas card looks professional.

We feed our satisfaction with shopping sprees and our worried mind with a bottle of wine, yet our souls are in torment; they are hungry. We’ve become a very anxious lot, and the craziest part is we assume that’s just how it’s supposed to be.

John 14:27 (NIV)

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

We’ve become a very anxious people, and the enemy will tell us that is to be celebrated, as if the fuller your plate, the fuller your cup, but the problem really becomes what that cup is overflowing. Is it Jesus? No! It’s bitterness, anger, and discontent. It’s worry, depression, and a sense of unfulfillment. We think the fastest rabbit wins the race, and that’s why you see people on their deathbed, at the finish line, weeping in regret. The fastest runner doesn’t win, but the one who can enjoy and learn from the journey. Who even remembers how to stop and smell the roses?

We make funny memes about how the Holiday Season has us freaking out, and we laugh and laugh. Meanwhile our hearts are hurting. We end up on the other side of January wondering where the joy went, why it can’t be like it was when we were a child.

Have you ever wondered why those MLM companies are so successful? It’s not just whatever product they’re pushing. It’s the dream they’re selling. A dream to not have to run so fast. A dream that you can slow down, off-load your daily to-do’s, and enjoy not having to worry about money! Money… that root of all evil, yet it’s only evil because of the focus we allow it. I’m guilty. We all just miss the fact that peace is here for the taking, but we have to lay down the things that don’t matter. What we’ve really become is a culture that places our importance on everything but the Kingdom of God right here, right now in our lives. Yes, Jesus come quick, I agree, but we forget that He is here right now, in our hearts, yet hidden by worldly distraction.

I wonder if we can change? I wonder if we can stop assuming a fast-paced anxiety is the best we’ll get this side of eternity, if we can understand that freedom has already been won when Jesus died for us? He didn’t give His life for us to be slaves to time, our workload, commitments, and routine. Indeed, He’s freed us from that sin that so easily entangles us.

Maybe we can step out in freedom by laying life down. Gain more by letting go of it all. Take an inventory of our full plate, and pick today to scrap off the pieces that aren’t giving us life. Jesus has given us life, but also an abundant life, a life free from anxiety. The Bible instructs us to “fear not” 365 times, one for every day of the year. We fear the things we cannot change, yet many of those same things we can change by letting them go. We can stop celebrating anxiety and instead cast it down.

Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

When Jesus Tells You to Put Out Deep

by

I come from a long line of fisherman; not by trade, but certainly not just for pleasure. What I mean is, my kinfolk wanted to catch something when they went fishing. My grandpa was known for his ability to reel in a huge haul even when others couldn’t get a bite. He took pride in knowing the waters, what time the fish were biting, and what bait best caught which fish. He was an expert at his trade, and he knew how to always bring home a full basket of fish.

Me? I didn’t inherit that specific skill. It’s not that I didn’t like fishing. I quite enjoyed it. I just wasn’t that great of a fisherwoman. I’d go home empty handed a lot, but it didn’t really bother me. See, I didn’t so much want to catch fish as much as I just liked fishing. I can think back on sweet Summer afternoons, a book in hand, draping the line between my bare toes, so if I got a tug I’d know. I was too busy reading to watch my bobber, and as you can imagine, I got my bait stolen more than not.

Not catching a big bass or catfish was just fine for me sitting out on the lake across from where I grew up, but when you start talking about bigger fish, well, it’s a different story. This morning I was reading in the Book of Luke about some guys who fished for a living. In fact, these fellas had been fishing all night. The bad part was they weren’t catching anything. They had the boat, they had the net, and they certainly had the desire, but their haul for this particular excursion had been paltry.

Suddenly, though, Jesus offers them a specific instruction, and when I read it the words were like an electric shock up my spine.

Jesus had instructed, “put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” (Luke 5:4 ESV)

It got me to thinking… Jesus was telling me to put out deep.

How many times are we in that boat, we have the desire to do God’s will, and we even have the right equipment, but we can’t seem to net a result? Perhaps it’s because we haven’t yet put out into the deep.

Y’all, there is nothing wrong with the shallow end. I like it, personally. It’s safe. You don’t get tired from treading water, and you can always see the bottom. The shallow end is known, comfortable, and you get plenty wet swimming there. But I’ve found that sometimes to really swim you have to go out to the deep end. To catch fish you have to stop being distracted and pay attention. You just do. And if Jesus is telling you to go deeper, you won’t be satisfied until you do.

Almost two years ago Jesus told me and my husband to go out deep. I even wanted to do it, too, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t scary. A lot of people we loved tried to talk us out of it. They didn’t want us to drown, and I get that. We just knew that Jesus wanted us to fill His nets more than we could do in the shallow end.

We had to leave the familiar town, jobs, and family support systems we knew. In fact, just to make sure we didn’t get cold feet, the Lord pushed us into the deep. He took away the security of the familiar, forcing us to step out in the move He had placed on our hearts. We left a failing business in search of better employment, but that doesn’t mean we could see the bottom. The deep can be murky. Faith keeps you swimming.

We traveled a thousand miles with a pickup truck of suitcases, and a reservation at an extended stay hotel. It was the size of our previous living room, and the rent almost three times our mortgage back home!

I questioned, “how could this be God’s Plan?!!”

But still He whispered, “let out into the deep.”

Y’all, I had scoured the internet prior to leaving for Florida and I couldn’t find anywhere to house a family of five within our budget. The housing assistance with my travel company was no help. They quoted me a $13,000 bill for a three month lease with what they found! No one wanted to do a short lease, or they were charging more than I could afford. It was so much more/worse than I had bargained for, and after another fruitless day I had broken down into hopeless tears. I couldn’t for the life of me fix this particular problem, and that’s when I knew deep down in my Spirit that I had to stop trying.

So, we had left our home with no concrete housing solution. We had enough money in the bank (from selling all of our possessions) to last in that hotel maybe a month. Still we put out deep. We knew that’s where we would net what God had for us.

Have you ever experienced one of those crazy coincidences, like, where one step leads to another? I don’t believe in luck or coincidences, but I do believe in a faithful God. Within a week and a half of housing my family in little more than a broom closet, in the worst section of downtown Orlando, God led me in one specific direction for a housing solution. Of the thirty people I emailed, one replied. She replied to tell me she couldn’t accommodate us, but she did have a suggestion of someone who might could. That suggestion led us to not only a bigger space, but one that was in a safe area, in a gated community, at 1/4 of the price we had been paying, with our own yard and a community pool. I had exhausted every ounce of what I knew to do, but God led us exactly to what we needed. And it ended up being better than anything we could have manufactured on our own.

Many times God has exactly the answer we need. He has the exact solution to our dilemma, but He cannot present His solution until we put out into the deep. He cannot throw us a lifesaver until we leave the safety of the shore. We’re crying for a catch, but we’re refusing to let down our net. We’re not happy with splashing around in the kiddie pool, yet we’re afraid to cross the rope into the deep end.

He’s saying, “let down into the deep.”

We weren’t happy, you see. Back then. We weren’t happy with the way things were, we wanted something different, and we wanted God to lead us to new things. But we were also hesitant.

We’ve been fishing all night and haven’t caught a thing!

That’s what Simon said. But then he remembered what He knew about Jesus. He decided, well, if He says do it, then I’ll do it. I’ll let my nets out again, but deeper this time. I’ll trust that what He instructs me to do will work, even though I’ve already done everything I know to do.

Y’all, God is still calling us deeper. Each day we become aware of more areas of our life where we’ve been trying to do it on our own, but it hasn’t been netting the results we desire. We’re realizing that we have to keep putting out into the deep. It’s still scary, but the thing is, we’ve seen the kind of fisherman Jesus is. He does it for pleasure and for the fruit. He gets joy from the harvest. When you let down where He leads, trusting His instruction and provision, the result is always more than your boat can hold!

This post alone cannot hold all the specific, miraculous instances where God provided for us financially, protected us physically, or sustained us emotionally through the last two years. It’s been amazing, and subsequently we’ve become stronger swimmers. Listen, I’m not saying you have to follow our lead, sell all your possessions, and take off to new places. But I am suggesting this. If you’ve been praying for a change or asking God for something in particular, and you’re just not seeing any result, perhaps ask yourself if He is calling you to let out into the deep. Ask yourself if He is calling you to trust Him deeper, get to know Him further, seek Him at new depths, or simply to stop thrashing about in the waves like He’s not able to save you. The thing is, when Jesus tell you to put out deep, you need to be ready to drop your net.

When Your Enemy Means You Harm

by

I recently had a situation where someone wished to harm me. They had nothing to gain from me by their actions, and the only result of their jabs at me and my family would be their own pleasure. I believe you call that malicious, or perhaps vindictive. Regardless, I called it done. Despite this person’s attempt to cause us emotional and physical harm, we were unbothered. I’ll be honest; I’m pretty sure for a few minutes I wanted to be upset and worried, but I didn’t stay in that place. Thank God, I was able to abide in His truth.

Romans 8:31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

It’s easy to become tussled by our enemies. I have met plenty of people in my life who let the devil use them to do evil, and if we allow it, the attack can not just be physical, but also mental. We can become burdened by their efforts to cause us strife, and we can forget who holds our lives in His hands. It’s ok, we all lose sight. I’ve found humans are a forgetful bunch, but last night I received a wonderful reminder of God’s goodness to us, especially when we are in great need, and I wanted to share it with you.

Have you ever read the book of Esther? It’s a short book, but packed with tons of good stuff. One thing especially stuck out to me as I read it last night. In the book, Haman is a high official to King Xerxes, and Haman decides he wants to kill a Jew by the name of Mordecai. Haman is so excited for his plan of murder he even builds a gallows by which to hang poor Mordecai. Haman is an important fellow, but Mordecai follows the one true God. So watch what God does.

King Xerxes is in bed battling insomnia and decides, out of nowhere, to read a book that keeps record of his kingdom (it does sound like good sleepy-time material). In this book he’s reminded of how a guy named Mordecai outed some bad guys who wished the king harm.

Xerxes is like, “dang. That Mordecai is a good dude. I need to honor him!”

The next day in comes Haman. He’s all pumped to tell the king about his plan to hang this fella, but the king interrupts his idea with a question of his own.

“Haman,” the king asks, “how should I honor a man who really needs accolades for his service?”

Of course, Haman thinks the king is talking about him, and full of pride he suggests a parade through the city in royal duds.

Boy was he surprised when the king said, “great idea! You drive the chariot tomorrow to honor Mordecai!”

Can you imagine his face?!

Here you have the ultimate enemy of Mordecai. He wants him dead. He plans out the details. He’s basically already dug the grave for Mordecai. But God! God had different plans. What Haman meant for harm, God turned to good. Only our God can turn a death sentence into a parade in your honor!

So, whatever enemy you face today, whatever battle you find yourself in, try and remember Mordecai. The same God who saved his life is also fighting for you! God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. And He loves His children with an unconditional, all-consuming love. He will move mountains for you. He can certainly handle a bit of malicious intent.

In my own situation, I am still dealing with the repercussions of my enemy’s attacks, but I am not beaten. I stand strong in what God can do. In fact, I’m excited to see how He works it all for our good.

When God Took My Husband

by

You know what’s hard to figure out at nineteen? Well, let’s be honest. A lot of things! But do you know one thing I especially couldn’t quite grasp yet? It was the fact that God had my best interest at heart, always and forever, and even when I couldn’t see it. I believe this more now than I did over twenty years ago, but I think most of us still forget it’s true. We forget His plans are to prosper us, or His ways are higher than ours. I mean, we hear this stuff over and over through the years. We even read it ourselves in the Bible, yet it’s easy to forget. It’s easy to think maybe that part is for someone else. That makes it hard to give God something you want to hold onto. It’s hard to hand over control of the things you hold really dear.

I found the man of my dreams about twenty-two years ago. He was handsome, but he was also kind. He was unique and talented, but also humble and personable. He was unlike any young man I had met before. He was slow to anger, but so quick to forgive. He loved me. And the best part? He loved me for me. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else. In fact, never before had I felt more at ease and comfortable with someone of the opposite sex.

I was new at this comfortable kind of love. We didn’t fuss, and we didn’t have to try so hard to be happy. We just were. I also was new to another relationship at the time, and that was with Jesus. I mean, I had attended church for years, but it wasn’t until my freshman year of college that I understood there was a difference between religion and relationship. I was growing in a way spiritually I had never experienced before. I was finally able to understand the Father Heart of God and how His love for me could heal all my past hurts. I was studying the Bible, praying more, seeking God each day, and my beau fit in perfectly with it all. He was the one!

Yep, I said it. The One. Capital “O.” I felt like God told me so. I was new at this hearing God’s voice thing, but I understood it didn’t have to be a burning bush to be Him speaking to me. I was finding that I could hear Him through others, through the scriptures, but also through the quietness of my own heart seeking His will. I had witnessed His miracles, and I had found that when I followed through with the things His Spirit placed within me, He worked in mighty ways. He revealed things to me I would never know on my own. So many things. Naturally, when I felt Him impress to me that the young man described above would be my husband, I took Him at His word.

Have you ever lost something you loved? Something that you knew was right? I did. I watched my college sweetheart go away, and I felt my heart rip in two over that broken promise. I knew God had this man to be my husband. Even after we broke up I still felt like it was true. It was like the Lord had taken him from me, this one thing that made me so happy, and I couldn’t understand why He would do that. I couldn’t understand why we had to give up our relationship.

They say, in Christian circles, that you should willingly give over everything to God. They say He knows better than we do. They use words like “His timing,” or “everything happens for a reason.” Well, that doesn’t help a thing when you’re in the midst of loss. It’s hard to see God’s plan as it is, so never mind the difficulty when your vision is clouded by a veil of tears. I did not give my love life to God back then. I didn’t say, “whatever you say, Lord.” Instead I cried, I begged, I yelled, and I pleaded. I didn’t surrender my plans in favor of His; instead I became bitter and distant. What kind of God hurts the people He loves? Why even tell me this man was the one if he so obviously wasn’t?

The amazing thing to me is that even if you don’t give your life (or most precious possession) to God, He is still faithful. I didn’t hand my future husband to Jesus! He took him from me! But then He gave me now.

Twenty-two years later and I am married to the man of my dreams. It’s the man God told me I would marry. It just didn’t happen when I thought it would. I realize now that we weren’t ready. We were not the man and woman God needed us to be. We were distracting one another from the plans God had, and He had yet to refine us to the vessels He would need us to be for His kingdom purposes. At nineteen it’s hard to understand that your life has more purpose than just yourself. It’s hard to see the impact God wants to make through you for the world at large. Heck, it’s hard to always see that at twenty-nine, thirty-nine, and beyond. But I’ve discovered He always has kingdom purposes. You don’t have to be a minister or missionary to change the world for the better. If you impact positively even one life then you have served a purpose higher than yourself.

We were not the husband and wife we needed to be two decades ago. We were not the parents we would need to be to raise our amazing daughters. And while the Lord can work with any kind of mess, at any age, and at any time, His purposes for our lives together needed to ruminate. We needed to wait.

I am a better wife today than I was yesterday, but especially better than I would have been at twenty. The same goes for him. I appreciate my spouse. I have no problem being a humble wife and laying down a desire to always be right. I wasn’t always this way. He has grown in leaps and bounds also. I sometimes wonder, would we be as happy as we are now if things had gone differently? Would our life be just as amazing had we married at age twenty? Would I realize how wonderful, selfless, and truly loving my man is, or would I take him for granted? I don’t know. What I do know is that God’s timing is always perfect, His promises are always true, and His will extends beyond anything I could make happen. His way brings true, lasting happiness. I didn’t always realize this was so true.

I wish I could say I acted super spiritual when God took my husband from me. I wish I could tell you I got down on my knees and prayed, “thank you, Jesus, that your plans for me are so good. I completely trust you will bring him back to me better than before and bless our future together exponentially!”

I can’t tell you that because I did the exact opposite. I acted like any teenager would. I stormed off and slammed the door in my Father’s face. Sigh. I’m glad He didn’t let it go at that.

Despite our ability to follow God’s plan perfectly, He still lays the foundation. Despite our ability to trust, He is still faithful. Despite our ability to surrender, He still gives abundantly. I mean, doing it His way with a smile and knowing nod the first time would always be better, but seriously, how many of us have ears to hear?! The wonderful thing is that even when our faith flounders, He still loves us. He still blesses us. He takes, but then He gives back even more. I am blessed today because of yesterday, and now I try to always see my life with that mindset. If something falls apart, I anticipate how my Father will piece it back together, better than it ever was before.

Taking Crackers From Dad’s Plate

by

“I’m sorry for the uncertainty,” my recruiter said.

I replied, “it’s not your fault.”

And it wasn’t. It wasn’t his fault any more than it was mine, but it wasn’t even the fault of the hospital administration we waited on for an answer. It simply was what it was. Gosh, I hate that phrase, but I could think of no better description. It was what it was.

Travel Nursing is a whole lot of waiting and uncertainty. I mean, it’s not that bad, but it for sure is less stable than a staff nurse position. I never know from one assignment to the next where I might end up. Basically we sign a contract to work a job three months at a time at a given location, and somewhere around 3-4 weeks from the time it ends, I can start looking for my next job, hospital, and location. No sooner. You might have the grand idea of going to Colorado in the summer, and even though a job would be open in April (when you were under contract in Florida), it most likely wouldn’t be hiring in June (when you needed another job).

This took a lot of getting used to for me. Always a planner, even a perfectionist (though I shudder to admit it), it was hard for me. I guess it could be hard for anyone who enjoyed stability with their employment or certainty with their finances. Perhaps for a young, single person it would be easier, but for a middle-aged mother of three taking her children and husband along, it was not. One might consider it a heavy burden being the primary breadwinner for your family in such an undependable environment. Travel nurses made good money, as coworkers were quick to remind me, but you had to when you accounted for the things you didn’t have in your pay package. You needed a financial cushion since you didn’t have paid time off or sick leave. You wanted a little extra if the next job came a couple of weeks late, or if it took you a thousand miles from your current one. See what I mean?

Today my husband had made himself a plate of sharp cheddar slices and saltines, and as he sat eating it our three year old appeared out of nowhere like some snack-stealing ninja. She offered him her grandest grin, reached stealthily and confidently for a cracker, then giggled as she stole it away.

He watched her wander off and mused, “she didn’t even worry that I wouldn’t give her one. She just knew I would.”

And that, my friends, is the kind of thinking I have adapted to over the past year.

When God leads you to something new, and when you listen to His lead, they say you’re stepping out in faith. And I’m discovering that many times when you’re led to something, God has a wonderful plan to change you for the better from the inside out. He doesn’t just take you to a different job or state. He takes you to a new level with Him. He takes you from fear to courage, from defeat to success, from the bondage of worry to the freedom of trust. Who knew?

I have loved God for a long time, but even as I drew close to Him in a personal relationship, there were some areas I still held control of. It’s not that I didn’t think He couldn’t handle it. I knew He could, but so could I. I would worry about finding us affordable housing in Florida. I would worry about leaving the same job I’d been at for seven years. I would balance the budget and be proactive. Nothing extra for tithing at the time, but I would worry about that later. I got myself into this mess of debt, and I’d get myself out. Always thinking of ways to save money, solve problems, and make things easier. Worried about the children, feeling responsible for the struggles of those around me. It was exhausting.

Somewhere in the mix it got really heavy. The anxiety was too much sometimes. I mean, even as God was giving us wonderful accommodations for our travels, beyond what we could find on our own, I worried. Even as I earned income above what I ever thought I could, even as God blessed our finances, I worried for the unexpected expenses. Even as He provided money out of nowhere for the surprise RV repairs, I worried in the back of my mind for the next repair around the bend.

I wrote everything down, I calculated, I estimated, I ensured. I easily forgot that my Father would give me anything from His plate.

Matthew 7:9-11 (NIV)

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Now, here I am with seven shifts left on my current work contract. Will I stay, will I go? If we go, where? Is this where God wants us to be right now? Last week I felt so certain it was, but now? I’m not so sure. I thought about praying for Arizona before. I had prayed to get the job in Tucson. I had really wanted it! But then I had prayed to God that above all I wanted Him to take us where He wanted us to be. I wanted Him to open doors, and close them too. The thing was, when you did that, you had to trust God when the open doors were not what you expected them to be. Especially then.

So, I have zero anxiety. Zero worry. 100 percent chill. I can say that in all honesty. God told me once that I won’t always know the answer. I won’t always see the path ahead. But I can know who directs those paths. My God. My Father, who with His plate of great abundance provides for all my needs. Not some, but all. He leads, He guides, He protects, He provides. I ask, I receive, I lay it down, He gives back even more to me. I can approach His table with confidence, knowing that He loves to give good gifts to His child. I can let go of all the things I thought I needed to control and exchange them for the better things He has in store. That is trust. That is walking in faith. That is receiving from His bounty.

Whether we go, whether we stay (and we really wanna stay), we are at peace. If we go, no matter where we go, we go with God, we go with joyful, expectant hearts, ready to shine the light of Jesus. It’s not always easy letting go of worry, or giving up control, but it is always better in the end. Letting go brings courage, it banishes fear, and it provides you with a solid certainty of life (even if the circumstances surrounding you are uncertain).

That Morning I Thought the Kids Died

by

I was almost to work, turning down a residential street when I smelled a strange odor. You know how smells can invoke certain memories or thoughts? Well, this smell coupled with people that I saw standing outside an apartment complex brought to my mind a recent, local news story. A housing complex had been shut down after a leak had been discovered. A few people had been found deceased in their beds with carbon monoxide poisoning being the cause of death.

First, I guess I should tell you that my mind is a forest of tangled thoughts. It’s a Rand McNally roadmap of twisted tangents of mental madness. Call it over-thinking, call it a rabbit hole. My mind follows its own thought trail forever. I’ll find myself thinking about something off the wall and wonder how I got there. I’ll backtrack through it, how one thought led to another, and usually be able to untangle the mess.

Okay. Where was I?

So, somehow a smell led to a news story, which led to thoughts of an odd smell outside my RV since we started running the gas. This led to me remembering how I turned up the heat before I left that morning, which led to me thinking of looking at my sleeping family as I walked out the door. I ended up landing at the conclusion that my husband and daughters could be suffering the effects of carbon monoxide poisoning at that very moment!

Yes, we had a carbon monoxide detector!

Yes, it was working the last time I checked it!

No, I hadn’t checked it this morning!

They could be dying right now!

They could be dead already!

My whole world gone all at once!

What would I do?!

Well, I wouldn’t lose faith in God.

Remember Job.

I wouldn’t want a new family, though, God.

I like the one I have.

I wouldn’t get remarried.

I’d be so lonely, though.

God, please don’t let my family die.

This is silly, Brie. They’re not dead!

They could be.

God, are you trying to tell me something?

Should I call the police?

The feeling is so strong that something is wrong!

God! Help me hear your voice! Are they ok?!

My emotions wanted to skyrocket, but my spirit said settle down.

I trust you, Lord. I surrender this fearful situation to you. I know your plans are to prosper me and not harm me. No matter what, I’ll always trust in you. I know you hold my family in the palm of your hand. They are yours; you just let me take care of them for you here on earth. I release this to you and let go of my worry. I pray they’re ok, but I trust you in all situations.

I quieted my spinning mind, and at that point I felt the Lord impress this upon my heart.

You asked me to empty your soul.

And so I had. Earlier in my commute a worship song came on titled “Empty My Soul,” with the premise of being refilled by more of God. I had sung along, and as I recited the words, had spoken them as a heartfelt prayer. So when He reminded me of that I realized that one place that needed consistent emptying was my tendency to fear, my worry for things I couldn’t control, and my anxious thoughts.

This morning He had emptied those things out of me in a flurry, then He had shown me that He could replace the anxious parts of me with His sovereignty. Trusting in Him took up the spaces of my mind and heart where worry had resided. It was a good reminder for me, and as soon as He had spoken the words above to my heart I felt peace come over me like a blanket.

I knew my husband was fine.

I knew my children were fine.

They were warm and sleeping, and God was in control.

Do You See Giants?

by

This morning as I sat drinking coffee and watching a television preacher teach I was reminded of a story from the Old Testament. I found it mildly odd because it had nothing to do with the content the TV pastor went over, nor was it mentioned in any of the morning devotionals I had read. Yet there it was, and I smiled as I thought about the account of the twelve spies. Moses had sent twelve men to gather an account of what lay in the land of Canaan. When they returned after seeing the large, giant-like inhabitants of their Promised Land, they didn’t have much confidence in their chances of taking control there. In fact, ten of the dudes were flipping scared. Only two, Caleb and Joshua voiced certainty of the promise from God. They knew God would help them overcome the obstacles in their way.

Shortly after the television program ended I got ready for the day. I went and paid the month’s rent on our tiny cabin, and I went to the store for milk and bread, something we are always running out of in our family. After that we got ready and went for a relaxing day by the pool. Before pulling into the parking lot by the pool my husband stopped to drop off some trash in the dumpsters, and I ran inside the activity center to check our mail. As I walked out with a few forwarded envelopes in hand I looked around for our truck. It was no longer by the dumpster so I knew my hubby had gone ahead and pulled into the parking lot by the pool house. As I looked in that direction I spotted our truck quickly, but found it odd where he was parked. It was sitting in the middle of the driving area, a crushed, orange cone under its left tire, and a large delivery truck immediately to its right. Then I saw my husband walking quickly around the other side. I probed him with questioning eyes.

“I hit his truck,” he called to me across the lot, visibly shaken by the event.

Minutes later I sat by the pool with my girls, my mind turning quickly as I thought about insurance deductibles, and watching with concern as my spouse stood with the delivery driver on the phone to his bosses. My nerves felt frayed and I could only imagine his own as the driver took photos with his cell phone. As I worried about the damages my own phone rang, and it was a call from the woman at the park’s office who had taken my large, rent payment an hour before.

“I’m sorry to bother you, and I should have mentioned it before, but it’s our policy if you stay for any length of time in our cabins that you pay a $500 security deposit,” she explained. “So I’ll need to charge you for that.”

I remembered specifically paying the deposit when we first joined their membership and I told her such. As she answered back she only saw the $200 reservation deposit and not the other my five year old began doing the peepee dance. I strained to hear the woman on the phone as my middle child screamed “I gotta go bad,” and my toddler cried bloody murder that I had to rip her from the pool to head to the restrooms. So even though I knew I had a receipt for the previously paid deposit, the whole, interrupted conversation coupled with my already frayed nerves left me feeling anxious.

I felt like I wanted to cry, and after I returned from the bathroom I almost did just that as I called out to the Lord in earnest.

“I trust you. In all situations, I trust you,” I prayed.

I thought not just of the current problem at hand, but the many we had faced over the past six months. A failing business, financial hardship, an unknown move and job change, housing issues, and so much more. Throughout it all God had remained faithful to us. He had opened doors, closed doors, comforted, and provided. He didn’t take the obstacles or problems away, but He helped us navigate them.

As I thought of His ever-present faithfulness in the past, the twelve spies occurred to me again.

Do you see giants?

I felt the question impressed upon my spirit, and I knew it was always easy to focus on the giants (or the hardships, problems, and obstacles). But I also knew that when you focused on the giants you forgot about the promise. God had promised us a future, and I knew that even if the world gave me a problem that God could use it for our good. I asked the Lord to give me peace, and then I made the conscious decision to rest in His goodness.

I watched Ben as he assessed the damage to our truck. He had just told me that aside from the dent in the side, scuffed paint, and busted light, that the tire was flat. Seems that the tailgate of the delivery truck had punctured the sidewalk of our ginormous truck tire. I strove to not see dollar signs and instead rest in God’s peace, but minutes later I received a message from home that could cause us further financial distress.

I was at a crossroads. I could see giants or I could see the promise.

I responded to the message in a calm manner and with wisdom as the Lord directed me, and the sender and I both ended up being blessed by the interaction.

The woman at the RV Park Office found the record of my payment and apologized profusely. Our rent also ended up being cheaper than the previous month.

Because we had never changed a tire on a dually and our spare wouldn’t last long term anyway we opted for a mobile tire service to come and change it out with a new tire.

Of note, there’s no better place to wait for a flat to be changed than poolside.

The tire ended up being much cheaper than we anticipated.

We had already bought the tire, but as the guy changed it with my husband he stated, “you guys were an accident waiting to happen!”

Turns out the tire was very bare, and it also had a broken off nail sticking out of it. It was a blowout waiting to happen. As we discussed it later we felt quite certain that this incident with the tire prevented a possible worse one at high speeds in the future.

Although our truck got a pretty good ding, miraculously there was zero damage to the delivery truck.

As we later walked to our truck with a brand, spanking new tire I looked at the crystal blue sky and thanked the Lord for another wonderful day. Today was just a little bump in the road in the grand scheme of life, and it was a great reminder that though we’ll encounter giants across our path, that doesn’t mean we have to see it that way. God’s promises in His Word always overshadow the problems we face in this world. And it’s okay to need reminding of that from time to time.

When God Stretches You

by

This morning I sat drinking coffee with my husband’s grandmother, and as I sat across from her on the couch covered in a comfy blanket she thanked me for fixing her a mug of joe.

“They just don’t like me doing these things anymore. I’m sorry.” She said.

“It’s alright,” I answered. “I don’t mind at all.” And I smiled genuinely at her.

I could only imagine how difficult it must be for her now. As she had gotten older she had started to seriously forget things, fall, and accidentally harm herself (such as significant coffee burns). She had started living with family a while now, but this was the second time in two days she had mentioned to me how hard it was for her to not be doing things around the house as much. Last night I had told her that she had spent a lot of time in years past serving others, and now it was simply her time to rest and allow others to do for her.

“You served us for years.” I said. “The best turkey I’ve ever had came from your house!”

“Really?” She asked incredulously, but with a satisfied smile.

So when she mentioned it again this morning I thought of seasons.

Last week I had been rocked to the core by God’s truth through song. After a particularly long day at work the lyrics from a praise song reached into my heart and squeezed it tightly.

Though the seasons change… your love remains.

The season for us had certainly changed as of late. I had transitioned from working part-time to working full-time again. My husband had transitioned from working overtime to homeschooling full-time. We had gone from two vehicles to one, from a two-story house full of stuff to a pickup truck barely full of possessions, from 2200 square feet of living space to around 600 square feet, from one small, familiar town to a larger, unfamiliar city, from the same, comfortable job I’d held the last ten years to a new job, in a new hospital, with new bosses and new ways of doing things. For me, I had gone from having a set routine to flying by the seat of my pants, and for a gal who loved planning and having ducks in a row, it was for sure a challenge. God was stretching me!

I can recall before we left crying on my couch one morning after I got off the phone. I had accepted a job outside of Orlando after a bit of research about the area, but as I actually went through the process of securing housing it had not been as easy or as affordable as I thought. We were on fumes financially and temporary housing was costing about $800-$1000 more a month than I had budgeted for. Not $800 total, mind you, but $800 more. And that would be on top of our existing mortgage. And it would be very small. Even smaller than the eventual RV we were purchasing. Small and expensive. Great! It wasn’t going according to plan! So I cried.

After my tears fell I got back on the faith wagon, knowing God had our backs. We knew He was leading us on this journey, and I knew I had to trust He’d get us where we needed to be. But y’all, when we walked into that tiny, extended stay hotel I was taken off guard. Even smaller and seedier than I had imagined. Immediately I started pulling out our few, personal items to make it feel like home. If you’re a regular blog reader then you know God led us to a more affordable, larger, and safer home within the next week. It was laughable, really!! I had spent so much time researching, Googling, and making phone calls to try and secure us somewhere nice to live, but in the end I had come up empty. I suppose that’s where God finds you; the empty places. When I gave up on what I could do, and when I trusted Him despite the dismal situation we found ourselves in, He stepped in and led us to something that exceeded our best expectations.

I was in a new season of learning to trust God more. I was learning to fear not. I was learning to lean not on my own understanding. The planner was learning to surrender, and the liner of ducks was learning to rest. It was stretching yet satisfying. It was amazing to watch God deliver every single time as promised. Even if it didn’t seem like it at first. Some seasons are like a desert, but God promises streams. So you just have to walk in that.

This morning as I told my grandma that thanks weren’t necessary for the coffee, and that i understood how hard it was for her to not make it for herself, we talked about seasons.

“I guess this is a new season God has you in right now. As you work through not being able to do as much for yourself the Lord is teaching you new things about trusting in Him for change.” I suggested.

With a twinkle in her eye and contemplative look on her face she replied, “I think you’re absolutely right.”

I felt a kinship to her at that moment, not just as family by marriage, but as children of a Mighty Father God. Although my season of change was nothing like hers, and not as difficult as hers in my humble opinion, I felt like God was stretching us both. He was teaching us both something new, and a deeper way we could rely on Him, trust Him, and most importantly, rest in Him.

Isn’t it funny how we can make the act of rest such hard work?

Daddy, Are We Lost?

by

As we drove down the dark highway last night on our way to a beach getaway I noticed my husband reach his hand into the backseat from his driver’s seat perch. He patted the small leg of our four year old daughter, a reassuring, love-filled pat. Then he looked over at me in the passenger seat and commented on something I hadn’t even noticed. 

“She’s scared,” he said. 

“Surely not,” I answered, but then directed my attention to her. “Are you okay, sweetie?” I asked. 

“Daddy, are we lost?” She asked, with a quiver to her voice. 

It turns out she was very frightened. She didn’t recognize our surroundings, it was dark outside, and she couldn’t see what lay ahead. And the crazy part is that even as we explained the facts she still remained hesitant. I told her we knew where we were going, and then I went a step further showing her the GPS directions displayed on my phone. She understood what I was saying, and she knew we had never gotten lost before, yet as she settled back against her seat I could still see she was on edge. She trusted her daddy more than anything, yet she was still afraid. She couldn’t see the beach up ahead; all she saw was darkness pressing in. 

How familiar her reaction was to me. After all, how often did I react the same? 

Matthew 6:26

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

In my own life I could worry about finances, yet hadn’t God always provided for us since we began to serve Him? Didn’t I worry for my children even though the Lord protected them on a daily basis? Even as He led me to new things in my life didn’t I worry over how we would get from Point A to Point B? His Word of truth, like a GPS for life, showed me brightly the direction to go, yet didn’t I still lose my way? I stressed needlessly, even though I didn’t want to, yet He always guided us through the desert places. His mercies never failed, but how often did I see the darkness of this world press in around me, fear the unknown, and whisper to my Daddy, is this really where you want me? Are we lost?

Always in my moments of unwarranted and unwanted doubt my Father was faithful to reassure me, and reaching out with the power of His Holy Spirit He would pat my heart lovingly to let me know I was not alone. Even when I felt small, uncertain, and scared He held the wheel straight and true. He patiently loved me through my fear, a smile on His lips as He took me beyond and to the places ahead I could not quite see. 

Daddy, are we lost?

Never, my child.