I oscillate between sharing my life and withdrawing into an underground storm shelter. Remember that movie with Brendan Fraser, Blast from the Past? Yes, that sounds nice sometimes. To just spirit away with my family and Jesus, playing board games and eating nonperishable goodies. But alas, that’s not what God calls us to. I wish the calling wasn’t always so painful.
I’ve gone back and forth between sharing my life, my insights, or Heaven forbid, my opinion, or simply remaining silent in my own comfortable mind. I have had so many people over the years email, comment on the blog, or message me on social media sharing how much my words have comforted them, helped them feel less alone, or heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to them through my musings. That kind of feedback encourages me to keep going. But then…
Y’all, I have been really hurt. I say I don’t care what people think of me, but let’s be honest, it stings when friends and family judge you. I’m not talking about Facebook acquaintances. I mean friends. I have had women I have known for over twenty years, women in the church who I considered mentors, completely write me off. Women who kept up daily contact and encouragement with me, suddenly ghost me. And when I see those same women encouraging and communing with mutual friends, yeah, it hurts. It hurts to be brushed aside. It hurts that we have become a people, a society, a church, I dare say, that values platforms or something as inconsequential as the opinion on vaccinations over loving relationships. Didn’t vote Republican the last election?! Sorry, your cool kid, insider pass to the Women’s Bible Study clique has been revoked. Why does that still hurt me?
I have had family laugh at me, ignore me, lessen my feelings. I feel the judgment in an almost palatable way. Am I seeing things that are not there, like whispers at the lunch table, assuming the worst is being said behind my back? Perhaps. Perhaps I am, but it doesn’t change the feeling of brokenness inside.
I have spent the last two years discovering a side of humanity I wish I had never seen. On the other side, pre-Covid, pre-Trump, sat a naive woman, who felt certain that people who loved Jesus, loved people. Sure, there were hypocrites, but overall the Christian community was one built on love. I was sure of it. Now, on this side of a pandemic, after the loss of a presidential election on the Right, I see an abrasive, hardened heart of a community I’ve been a part of for over half my life. I cannot comprehend the actions of the majority. I cannot find the connection between the actions of Jesus and the actions I see on social media. The Sermon on the Mount and the rant on Facebook or Instagram are not parallel. The church I have always known and loved has let me down, and I’m still coming to terms with that.
Here’s what I don’t want. I don’t want my picture of my Savior, or my relationship with Jesus to suffer. The loving King who died for me, who died for the immigrant at the border, who died for the atheist at my workplace, who died for the two married men that live next door. This loving Jesus has never left my side. When I’ve felt the hurt and betrayal from friends and family, He has never let me go. So, I think He and I are good. I just keep clinging to His character, so often imagining myself sitting at His feet like Mary, listening to His truth.
The church, however, has fallen from me. I have not returned to corporate worship or any religious gathering in a group. I want to, but I’m afraid. The hurt I have experienced has broke me, and I’m not sure I could take anymore. I want my babies to be around the church. I want to return. I have just been unable to cross that divide. I listen to a church sermon every Sunday, I read the Bible for hours a day, and I spent countless hours in prayer and conversation with my Father, but I’m still licking my wounds. I’m just being honest. You guys know I’m a sensitive soul. My hurt still rears its ugly head almost daily, and I spend just as long laying it back down at the feet of Jesus.
Please pray for me, my friends. Pray that I will find healing, that I will be able to see that Jesus is the balm that covers my hurt. This I do know. I will never be the same. I will never again be the woman I was in 2019. And while that hurts, I am grateful that my eyes were opened to the insincerity of my fellow man.
It’s hard for me to even write this, as I know there are people who will judge me for it, assuming I’m “woke,” progressive, or even worse (LOL), liberal. They’ll pray for me that God open my eyes to the evil of this world, never seeing the evil in their own hearts and actions.
I do find solace (of this world) in the fact that I am not alone in my feelings. There are other Christian, lovers of Jesus, who want to love like Him, not just like the church club says. It helps to hear their hearts that mirror my own. Beth Moore, Skye Jethani, Greg Boyd, Phil Vischer, David French, Russell Moore. Organizations like Women of Welcome, Faith and Prejudice, The Lincoln Project. Personal friends (that I will leave unnamed) who I reach out to with my frustrations and hurt. Thank you. And most importantly, the amazing spouse the Lord has given me. I was raised initially in an atheist household. He was raised quite the opposite, not allowed to watch the (demonic) Smurfs or He-Man growing up. Together we have found this loving Jesus who healed our brokenness, forgave our sinfulness, carried us through addiction, and leads us even now. Because of Him, we are forever changed. Because of Him, we are encouraged to love like He does. Sadly, I’ve discovered that radical love like Jesus doesn’t always sit well with the religious. It didn’t in His day, and it doesn’t in ours either.
I’m not sure what this post is supposed to be about. It seems like I simply vomited my feelings into words, but trust me, you have no idea how much of my gorge I’m holding back and swallowing down. Perhaps for another day. Or, perhaps I will take my baby chicks under my wings and disappear from the grid of public opinion. I suppose only time will tell.
Thank you for being completely honest. It’s so encouraging to see other believers struggling in some of the same ways. I too, have been hurt badly by other “Christian’s” in the last few years. I’m battling trust issues with everyone one I meet both privately and professionally (also a RN like you.). I hope you continue to share your journey. You ARE doing good ❤️sharing your God given words and talents to help us out here In this hard evil world. Thank you again for all your insight and encouragement!
In His love ❤️
Christy Bowman, RN
Tuscumbia, AL
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Perhaps the fact that you support those that murder babies has something to do with it. Yes, Jesus is at the core of salvation and all that is good. However, these women also see yours posts and wonder how a woman who puts her faith in Christ can also support an administration that is so vehemently against LIFE, family, liberty and Christians in general. Please don’t hand me the Trump card. Trump has nothing to do with it. I don’t agree with everything Trump does or says. I will pray for you. I’ll pray for your eyes to be opened. I’ll pray for friendships and hurt to go away. This has been the way it’s been pre Trump. There will forever be evil vs good. Thankfully, Jesus is the one, true way for anyone.
Thank you so much for commenting and proving my point so well. Do you know me personally or who I support politically? Nope. I did not vote for Biden, but I didn’t vote Trump. I don’t put my faith in a box like so many do. Include your real email or a last name next time so we can discuss further how little you know about me.
I left a massage below that was for you, but inadvertently posted under Linda McCormick… ((hugs and a heads-up))
Exactly! I read prior that you, like myself, did not vote for either. But it is these type nasty comments and misinformed at that to which the hurt you reference comes in. This is where we recall Jesus’ ultimate gift of forbeared forgiveness when be washes the feet of his betrayer.
Thank you for comment, Natalie, and timely reminder when I needed it most.
sharon..that was so cruel and you have just illustrated the point of the post.
I agree with you, Brie! I neither voted for Trump nor Biden. Don’t let the haters or hypocritical get you down. Jesus said time and time again, I did not come to call the righteous (and that includes self-righteous) but sinners to repentance. We all have sinned and fallen short of God’s standard, and though it doesn’t let us off the hook for telling others to repent, it should make us wary of doing it without admitting we are also in need of repenting and forsaking our own sin. Love you and hope this will be an encouragement to you. We appreciate your openness to share your struggles with the church, and hope you have a group of believers that understand and care for you.
Thank you so much ☺️
1 Corinthians 6: 7-11
7Now therefore, it is already an utter failure for you that you go to law against one another. Why do you not rather accept wrong? Why do you not rather let yourselves be cheated? 8No, you yourselves do wrong and cheat, and you do these things to your brethren! 9Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor [b]homosexuals, nor [c]sodomites, 10nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were [d]sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.” Friends,
Test the spirits and pray for discernment. We all need to repent and turn from our wicked ways because we are all sinners and fall short of His glory everyday.
i loved this post and i wish i was not in scotland but by your side. you can be woke, liberal, conservative or progressive and i do not care. the person counts..you count. people who disagree with you can still be kind and accepting. i belong to a small bible study group here in beith in ayrshire and it is a small group. we have all sorts but we agree to differ and be kind to each other. i hope you find that somewhere also. i used to be a member of the brethren for many years and i know the pain you talk about. hang in there and be assured of my prayers and kind thoughts to you even if we are at opposite ends of the spectrum..i do not actually know that..just sayng that if we are it makes no difference to me, xxxxxxx
Thank you so much for your kind comments, thoughts, and prayers. I believe that sometimes humans place too much value on things of this world, and in doing that we forsake the things that do matter, relationships with others, leading people to Jesus, and an eternal perspective. I pray this could change. I pray I find a small group like yours. Thanks again!
if you want you can message me on my e mail address. i m offering you my support. xxx
Thank you so much. I truly appreciate it!
Sending you love my friend ❤️
Thank you ☺️
Awe. I will pray. Our pastor preached way in the beginning of all “the mess” to give grace. No matter what anyone’s bend was….give grace! No matter what anyone’s opinion is/was regarding the election, covid, etc. they think they are right! It is not easy, if we don’t feel the same, but Jesus’ love must be shown no matter what! Sadly, people will always disappoint us. We are all flawed sinners. And with that, expectation minus reality equals disappointment. I am so sorry you have been hurt and broken. God’s word does remind us not to forsake the fellowship with other believers, but it’s very understandable you have to grieve the loss you are feeling. You certainly don’t want to be a doormat. You are wise to stay in the word, worship your heart out as well as continuing to look up and seeking His face daily and in every situation. Healing and discernment will come. None of us can even imagine the betrayal Jesus experienced….by “his people” too. He stayed on mission! Keep on keeping on. Bless you for putting yourself out there. 🙏 🙏 🙏
Thank you so much ☺️
It is important for you to seek a NEW church home. I encourage you to seek a Pentecostal church and try several varieties out. A new start is what you seek. Do not let the devil take your direction away. I feel it is something spiritual that covid has also left behind. Some kind of demonic spirit is looming our country. You must re-engage back to a truth church.
Thank you. I do enjoy a charismatic experience, and I agree spiritual forces are at play. We plan on getting back into a church family.
Brie, I wasn’t real sure where you were going with this post, but know that Jesus loves you the most. Life is so difficult and we as a people are sinners,, saved by grace. I don’t agree with a lot of what I see and at this point in my life I try to not be a stumbling block, it’s hard. I have dear friends that I don’t always agree with, I love them anyway. My husband and I were deeply hurt during the pandemic by our church family. When our church was shut down we struggled with going back to the same situation we had seen many times in the past by this same church family. It really got ugly this time and we made the most difficult decision to leave that church. We had been watching another, or I should say several church services on TV and YouTube. We made the decision to try one church in particular and did we have been attending there. We aren’t certain this is where God wants us to land, but He will reveal where when the time is right. Keep sharing your love for God to this broken world. If you only reach one person, it’s so worth it. Much love and prayers.
Thank you ☺️
Oh Brie I’m so sorry for the pain and hurt you’re feeling. Being the subject of public scrutiny is to be expected I suppose. That doesn’t mean it’s right. People can be so cruel. You do you the best way you know how and remember that what has worked in the past may just need to be left there. Our dear Lord will guide you and I know you will follow, just as you have been. I will love and pray for you no matter what you decide. It would be easy to say ignore the naysayers but I know that words and actions hurt, sometimes unbearably. You have helped so many, myself included, by your many blogs. We would really hate to see you go. Just remember that too. I appreciate your transparency and respect you all the more for it. Maybe God is telling you to “be still.” Wait on the Lord and you will find the answer. Much love and many prayers friend.I pray for you to find His peace.
Thank you so much, my friend.
I feel (part of) your pain here. As a fellow ITU nurse who (even now) felt utterly broken by the pandemic, suffering with PTSD and still can’t find my feet despite leaving the unit a year ago…I see you. I hear you. My family disagreed that the pandemic was “really a thing“and nullified my lived (work) experience of the 18 months prior despite listening to me sob down the phone to them after shifts. I have begun counselling, and through this have discovered religious abuses that have occurred over the years within my family (my ’church’) which I had never even realised had been happening… I feel so utterly betrayed and lonely, and am left with a deep hurt which I have no idea how to move forward with.
I have no words to help, or even encourage… but I see you. I hear you. I’m praying for you.
Thank you for commenting. Virtual hugs to you. I appreciate the solidarity. It’s painful but relieving to know I’m not alone.
Brie,
I’ve been down your road. It’s hard. Church is hard. People are difficult. Church is made of people. People are fallible and sin entered in so … there is the weak point. But church is also in the heart. God will lead you back to a group and fellowship and accountability and a spiritual family, in time. Right now, bunker down with your family and count this as the 🏜️ desert moments. Bask in the poverty of spirit.
You teach so much to so many through your transparency.
Love and many prayers to you.
Amy
Thank you so much ☺️