Have you ever been driving to work and suddenly you notice something you’ve never seen before? If you’re like me then you’re usually running late for work and don’t notice anything but the needle of the speedometer, and the clock on the dash. As you roll through a stop sign you may be vigilant for a police cruiser or wayward pedestrian, but otherwise you notice nothing.
One day you accidentally don’t hit snooze a third time, you have a good hair day, and very unexpectedly you find yourself running a few minutes ahead of schedule. On this day you drive the speed limit, among observing further traffic laws, you don’t pray over the railroad crossing, and you find yourself at a four-way wondering, when did they build that house? It’s gorgeous!
Upon further inspection you notice the mature landscaping, faded paint, and other small signs that let you know the home has been around a long time. How did you never notice?
I have a friend who I love dearly, but I see only occasionally. She’s one of my very best friends. We have a history and a bond that no man could break. I can tell her anything, and she feels the same way about me.
We have daughters the same age and they absolutely adore one another. They enjoy nothing more than a play date, and I like any excuse to visit and chat it up with this woman I love.
The thing is, that rarely ever happens. We make plans, and she breaks plans. Does this happen to you too?
She always has an excuse, some reason why we can’t get together. She says she wants to see me, but nothing ever comes of it. I initiate most conversations. I call. She doesn’t answer. I text and she finally gets back to me hours later! I invite her over, and she usually comes up with some reason why she must decline. Or worse, she says “yes” to my invitation, but then makes an excuse at the very last minute.
Why, if I didn’t know better, I’d think she didn’t care about me half as much as I did her! In fact, she could probably learn a thing or two from me about the value of friendship and the nurturing a relationship requires.
Yes, I was wrong.
It seems I was speeding along in my life and was only focused on me. I was driving in a tunnel of my own making where I saw no scenery of those around me, but instead was focused on my destination.
I was focused solely on how the situation was affecting me. Why does she break her word with me? Why doesn’t she want to see me more? Can’t she see she hurts my feelings?
I was so busy only looking at the circumstance through my own feelings and needs that I couldn’t see it through hers. You could say I was passing by the same house every day and was missing it each time. I was blind to her feelings, her needs, her life.
I was moving down the emotional road so fast that I couldn’t see the obvious things all around me related to her, and more importantly how they affected the situation.
I didn’t seem to remember the fact that I worked part-time while she worked 16 hours overtime a week.
I had neglected to acknowledge the fact that while I had the support of my spouse, and my daughter had a father present at all times, she was a single mom, and her little girl needed that additional affection she felt missing in an absent dad. My time with my daughters was special, but so was the quality time my friend had with her girl. And I seemed to have more time available than she.
While I was solid in a marriage that provided me security and emotional stability, she was trying to transverse her way through the difficult dating world.
She was tired in more ways than one, and I felt shame and remorse for not seeing it all. I felt a stab of guilt for only wanting our relationship to serve me, rather than seeking ways where I might serve her. How many times had I given her a hard time for simply being too tired after a long day to come and sit with me and listen as I talked about my book and all other exciting things related to me?
She didn’t deserve my anger, my judgement, or my misunderstanding. She did deserve my love, my support, my patience, and my prayers. She certainly didn’t need me giving her a hard time for not devoting more of her personal time to me.
The fact is we love each other deeply. I know this to be true as much as I know the sun will set this evening and rise again come morning. God willing. Love isn’t about what someone can give you. It’s about what you give them. My love for her isn’t based on how many texts she sends me through the week or if she remembers to stroke my ego appropriately. It’s so much more than that. It’s a relationship that stands through disagreement, hard times, and desert places. It’s a joy to have something like that in life.
How many relationships in our life would bloom and prosper if we only remembered to open our eyes? How much stronger would they become if we slowed down enough to take notice of everything around us, not just us?
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.