Unless God has called you to be single, and He most certainly did not me, then I truly believe your knight in shining armor is riding across the hillside as we speak searching just for you. I really believe that there is that special someone for everyone. It just so happens that most of us end up in the company of quite a few frogs before we land our prince.
Maybe you’re like me and you’ve landed Mr. Right, or more correctly, allowed God to place the man He had planned for you into your life. If you found this true love, your soul-mate, and partner for life right away then I say props, hats off, and all that jazz. I couldn’t let it be that easy for me. I had to do things the hard way.
In my desperate search for the elusive “one” I experienced a lot of heartache, rejection, and “fall flat on my face” moments. And as I wrote this I realized I was making it sound kind of jolly and light-hearted, but in reality it was anything but that. I spent a large amount of time hurt, lonely (even when I wasn’t alone), and feeling completely out of sorts and unbalanced. This is a direct result of walking outside of God’s will for your life.
That can be a scary thought in itself to many of us, worrying if we’re following God’s will for our relationships. But I honestly think we’re the ones making it harder than it has to be. I tried so hard to pinpoint “the one” God had for me that I ended up feeling like I’d never get it right and simply gave up trying. I suffered through many broken relationships, even one failed marriage. Along the way I learned a few things. So here are five simple steps to getting it right when looking for Mr. Right.
1. Love yourself. This seems so simple and obvious that it’s almost not worth mentioning, but since we women insist on forgetting the easy things, the most simple, yet most important, I had to include it. And I had to put it first because this is the first step to finding the man God has intended to be your partner in life.
You will never, I repeat never, find a satisfying love relationship with another person until you first agree to love yourself. If you are viewing yourself poorly or negatively you are only inviting that same sort of emotion to be given to you from a man.
You see, the value you give yourself is the same value you will unknowingly invite and expect from another person. If you see yourself as lowly you will end up keeping company with someone who views you the same. You won’t intend this, but it will happen. If you make yourself out to be garbage then you will attract flies.
2. Stop basing your self-worth on another’s opinion of you. I see this far too much. A woman is either told she is worthless or made to feel worthless, and before you know it she accepts the falsity that she is indeed worthless.
I got news for you sister! No beautiful creation, no daughter of The One True King is worthless. What happens is we spend so much time out of God’s presence and away from His opinion of us that we forget our heritage. We stop loving ourselves and we base any worth in who we are to what a human man says we are. If this man thinks we are low, then we are low. If he says we’re unworthy, ugly, fat, stupid, etc., then we become these things. We are wrongly allowing our character to be formed based on someone’s opinion of us. This is a lie straight from the devil. No, your ex isn’t the devil! Sometimes satan just uses people like pawns, that’s all. Don’t be a victim to that lie.
Some of you may be thinking, well that’s definitely not me! Beware. This is often a subtle tactic. The fellow you’re with may not be aware he is dragging you down. You may not be fully aware that you’re being influenced negatively. Quick test, okay? If your emotions for the day are influenced positively or negatively based solely on your partner’s opinion, comment, or amount of attention for you any given day then you might need to take pause. If he doesn’t compliment your new dress are you crushed? If he finally notices the new hair-do are you brought up out of the trenches of despair and self-loathing? It’s cool to be pleased with a compliment. It’s normal to be hurt by a insensitive remark. But if you’re life is an emotional roller coaster driven by these opinions from your man then you are wrong. I’m sorry to have to tell you that. Your emotional stability and image of self should be based on God’s opinion of you, not man’s. It’s that simple.
3. Learn to be alone. This was really hard for me. My life started with a man walking out on me, and I guess I was determined not to let that be my continued story. But it was. The deeper I dug my nails in the faster they ran. I was quick to say “I love you,” and then wonder why I was left watching the door swing swiftly shut.
No man wants a woman who can’t live without him. Some may I suppose, but what kind of man wants to be the center of a woman’s universe? Ask yourself that. You should desire a man who understands he is not number one to you. Your relationship with Jesus should take center-stage. A real man will always understand this, and a really good man will want this for his bride, because, guess what? You’ll be second to him as well. What ends up happening is Christ becomes the center of you both.
Until you can place Jesus as your leading man, you will need to be alone. Being alone for a season is good. It cultivates your dependence on Him. Once you’ve developed that relationship then you’ll be ready for a human one.
4. Find your identity in Christ. So important. It really starts tying all this together.
While you are alone you have the opportunity to find out who you are based on God’s opinion of you. You aren’t basing your value on what the man you’re dating sees. You begin to base it on what God sees. He sees your beauty. He delights in you. Can you believe that? He delights in you! He knew you before He formed you. He loves you. He loves you so much He gave His Son for you so that you may live forever with Him.
Now doesn’t that make you smile?! That kind of love, that kind of value, that is what should drive you. That is what should shape your idea of who you are and how special you are in this world. This will help you love you. Seeing yourself through His eyes will help you love yourself. Then you are ready for love from another.
5. Make your decisions for a mate based on His principles. So you’ve spent time alone developing your relationship with Christ, learning to love Him, and also learning to love yourself and see yourself as He sees you, and now you’re ready for Mr. Right.
Slow down. Hold your horses. Take your time. No rush. Remember when I said I believed there was someone for everyone? I still believe that. I think the problem comes when we try to make that relationship happen in every frog we come across.
Thankfully God is still in control of our lives. As is the case with me, He brought me to the relationship He had in mind, despite my many missteps. I can only count my blessings for how things turned out, not regretting my mistakes, but focusing on what He taught me along the way.
But, if I had it to do over, I’ll admit I’d change a lot! Hindsight is so humbling. I would make wiser choices and not make a lot of choices at all.
You can avoid a great number of frogs by selective elimination based on God’s principles. I remember as a missionary being warned against missionary dating. This is when you enter relationship with a nonbeliever. You’re not going to be in a position where you can convert them, so don’t try it. Let the relationship pass. If God wants you to have it back, He will bring it back.
And don’t think that if they believe that “yeah, I guess there’s a God up there” that you are okay. Equally yoked it says in the Bible, right?
Basically don’t enter any relationship with a man that will negatively impact your relationship with God. Don’t let your morals fall to the wayside for anyone. Don’t compromise your integrity or walk in a manner that doesn’t paint you as a daughter of The King. You will always regret this. Trust me.
Simply put, imagine God as your earthy father. Would you bring this guy home to meet your dad? Would this relationship make your dad proud? Doesn’t your Heavenly Father deserve just as much respect and counsel in your decisions? If you’re hiding the relationship, you are wrong. And you’re mistaken. Nothing is truly hidden from our Dad upstairs.
So if you’re doing these fives things then just be prepared for your prince to arrive. In God’s time. Maybe you need to work on one or two, or all five. That’s fine too. He’s worth waiting for. And never forget. So are you.