I watched her from the corner of my eye as the dust settled, and despite the remnants of nervous energy radiating from her I could spot that small hint of a smile creeping up the side of her face. I thought then that perhaps she felt it. Perhaps she felt like it was worth it after all.
I knew as I watched her recover from the stress of the past hour that being a new nurse wasn’t easy. Heck, being an older nurse wasn’t any better. Indeed we had both picked a trying vocation. I just happened to have picked mine a decade prior to my new nurse counter part. But still, it was the same.
When you become a nurse you are thrown into a new world, and suddenly you are assaulted with a plethora of new, constantly evolving information. This overload of knowledge is only made more confusing by the intricacy of different patients’ presentations of the same disease process, and the varying ways they respond to treatment. Add in the vast personality differences and reactions to illness and you start to scratch the surface of patient care.
As you wade into the real world at the bedside you realize how unrealistic expectations are of you as a professional, and the very real stress of the level of your responsibility almost crushes you. In the face of ever-changing policies, staff shortages, and an unstable work environment I could see where my young friend might question her career choice, or even wonder if it’s worth it at all. But at that very moment, despite the crazy chaos of her morning, she was beginning to smile with the most important knowledge of all. She finally understood why she mattered.
I still remember the first time it hit me. I suppose it’s easy as you move along in the tasks of your profession that you begin to see it all as part of the job. Monumental things that might impress the layman become just another scope of practice, and even as your skills increase your acknowledgement of self may slide. You wouldn’t think it would be, but somewhere along the way you get bogged down in the responsibility and lose sight of how lofty of a position that actually is to the public at large.
Perhaps that “aww shucks” attitude adds to the charm, or keeps us humble in the face of it all. But we miss something along the way. We miss that worthwhile feeling.
I can remember after a very difficult case hearing a word of truth from a coworker, and his comment was like a bolt of clarity to my spirit. It electrified me, it brought me just the right measure of pride I needed in self.
“You just saved that guy’s life.” He said. “Good job.”
And as I sat perplexed in the aftermath of a very volatile situation that had eventually settled out, I was surprised to discover he was right. Me?! I thought in awe. But yes, it was true. I had saved my patient’s life, and the reality of this fact made me feel like I could float home, despite my mental and physical exhaustion.
I realized as I looked at my new nurse friend, while helping her to catch up after a code, that she was feeling that now. The gravity of the situation had finally hit her, and despite the adrenaline that still coursed through her body, I knew her heart was calmed by the steady, normal sinus rhythm displayed on her patient’s monitor screen. It was also soothed by the weight of what her actions had accomplished.
Nursing is tough. Actually that’s an understatement. I don’t think there’s a word in the English language that can adequately describe the anxiety, frustration, and sometimes fear that comes along with the job of a nurse. But thankfully there’s also no adequate description for the way you feel inside when you know your patient lives because of something you did. No feeling compares to that.
There’s a number of little things that help settle a nurse, that help them know they are in the right field. There’s thank you’s and hugs. There’s the well-deserved acknowledgement from your superiors or your organization. Those are wonderful things, but then there’s something more.
There’s seeing a patient who was circling the drain last week sitting up and eating ice cream today. There’s the knowledge that although medicine is a team and has many players, that you happen to carry out an integral part of that concept. And occasionally you realize in shock and awe that your quick thinking and well-thought actions made the difference between life and death. And that feels good. It makes it all worth it.
The thing is I don’t have to save lives every day. Some days I just want to hold a lonely woman’s hand or shave the face of an elderly gentleman whose hands are too weak to do it himself. Those things are important too. But I think there’s just something about doing the right thing, making the right decision in a moment’s notice, and successfully holding tight to the life that has been placed in your hands that makes a nurse feel like they have fulfilled their ultimate purpose, and that despite the trials of what they do, it is completely worth it to see a life saved. When it is by your own hand it’s incomparable.
When it comes right down to it that is why we are here. Passing food trays, changing linen, and holding someone while they cry; these are important parts of the whole picture. But to keep a mother with her children for years more, this is why we do it. To help a father be able to watch his extremely premature, baby son grow into a man, that’s what lights our lantern. The thank you’s just keep it burning.
There’s no shame in being a proud nurse. After all not everyone has the privilege of reuniting a young husband with the wife he was sure he had lost. It’s overwhelming sometimes, but always a blessing. To think that a big God can somehow use a little me to save a life is the greatest calling I can hold, and although every day is not easy, being a part of each one is a honor to me.