On the Eve of my baby girl’s birthday I held her in my lap rocking back and forth at bedtime as we usually do. And even though she was soon to turn two, for the time being I wasn’t ready to let go of our nightly ritual in the rocking chair.
As she breathed heavily, already asleep, I continued to rock. I looked at her sleeping face, and I knew I couldn’t put her down just yet. I looked at her, and I felt my heart do that thing where I think it might explode. It’s as if my emotions become so overwhelmed that they threaten to revolt due to sensory overload.
I looked at my dreaming daughter, and I cried out to to The Lord, Oh God, I hope I’m doing this right!
And again with my chest. It felt like my heart was being squeezed, and my throat threatened to close before it was rushed with the rising emotion that had to escape my chest. I said it again, a deep, yearning prayer, Oh God, I really hope I’m doing this right, that I’m doing right by you. For her.
When I looked at my sleeping child, my precious gift from above, I was reminded of the weight of the responsibility I had taken. He had given this child to me to watch for Him here on earth, and though, thank God, I wasn’t ever alone in my duties, I desired to do my part. I wanted, I needed to do my best.
As I gazed at my little angel, lips parted, and pale, soft skin I wondered so many things. I questioned myself as I continued the comforting, rocking motion for us both.
I didn’t condemn my capabilities, mind you. I simply searched my soul honestly. For though nothing on this earth ranked greater than my personal relationship with The Lord, my relationship with the children in which He entrusted to me was a direct representation of His Holy Spirit.
How I chose to walk with them through this tumultuous world could be a beacon of God’s love, or it could be an affront to everything He called me to be. Indeed, by being a good parent I was showing my children and the world the Father Heart of God.
When she sees me does she see you, Lord? Do my actions and my words glorify The Lord, and do my children never doubt the depth of my relationship with Jesus?
Am I patient enough, attentive enough, and a pleasing mother in your sight?
Oh Lord, I pray I’m doing this right.
And I continued to rock. And I continued to gaze at such beauty laying in my lap. Had I ever even imagined it could be this wonderful, this full, this perfect? I didn’t think so.
On the Eve of my baby girl’s second birthday I prayed, and I was determined to be ever grateful for the gift of my children. I was determined to do my best in the eyes of Him, and to show my children His glory in all I did for them. As unto Him.