1. Prepare to move furniture so you have room for tree.
2. Stop halfway through moving furniture due to toddler climbing on furniture that you’re trying to relocate.
3. Find activity with which to distract toddler so you may finish moving furniture.
4. Commence to clean-up area of floor from which furniture was moved.
5. Tell toddler “no” when they try to eat dried food from floor where furniture was moved.
6. Turn on television in attempts to distract toddler from eating dried food from the floor where furniture was moved.
7. Sweep, then vacuum area where tree will be erected.
8. Notice that area on wall where furniture rested is stained with what appears to be old chocolate milk.
9. Scrub wall.
10. After scrubbing wall, and while depositing soiled rag in laundry basket, discover that dirty clothes are overflowing.
11. Drag overflowing basket of laundry to washing machine.
12. Discover forgotten, wet laundry still in washer.
13. Restart washer.
14. Return to living room to commence tree decorating, and discover toddler standing on coffee table naked.
15. Reapply fresh diaper, and a completely new set of clothes since previous pair somehow got thrown into commode. (You’re just grateful they weren’t flushed).
16. Place toddler on couch with doll and juice cup. Smile, and say, “sit right here.”
17. Clean up puddle from coffee table. You’re pretty sure it’s pee.
18. Smile at toddler, and say, “Mommy is going to get the tree from the shed. I’ll be right back.”
19. Run quickly outside in mismatched, stained Christmas pajamas. Falalalalalalalala.
20. Open shed door and discover all Christmas decorations are blocked by multiple containers of baby clothes. You know. In case you have another one.
21. Move boxes for what seems to be an extended period of time, then panic with thoughts of a toddler left unsupervised.
22. Run hectically back to house.
23. Discover that door has been locked.
24. Peer through window and note toddler standing naked on coffee table.
25. Beat at window, and scream loudly, “let Mommy in!”
26. Watch toddler laugh hysterically in amusement.
27. Use whatever means necessary to break into your own home.
28. Repeat steps 15-18.
29. Run quickly back outside, and finally haul in Christmas tree and ornaments.
30. Spend next five minutes searching frantically for missing toddler. Experience panic, dread, and self-hatred within that time.
31. Notice toddler sitting right where they were left on couch. Feel slightly crazy for eighth time today.
32. Try to explain to toddler about Christmas, and decorating Christmas trees.
33. Nod head confused when toddler responds to your three minute explanation with, “Dora. Puppy. Milk. Momma.”
34. Open box and remove sections of artificial tree.
35. Stare at pieces of tree, and wonder what happened to directions.
36. Remove toddler from empty box.
37. Search in kitchen drawer for Christmas tree directions.
38. Find bracelet you have been missing for six months.
39. Go to return bracelet to jewelry box, and find its contents dumped onto the floor. Suspicious, pink step stool found at scene.
40. Throw jewelry haphazardly back into box, even knowing you will regret that later. Hide pink step stool. Again.
41. Take timeout to fix toddler a snack.
42. Manage to put tree together while toddler eats strapped into booster seat.
43. Realize half of the lights do not work, and make decision to throw on a few extra strands rather than trying to figure out which bulb went out.
44. Clean up kitchen floor after toddler is done eating.
45. After you’re done sweeping, discover toddler in ornament box with glass ball in their mouth.
46. Spend extended amount of time explaining in a rather frantic, animated fashion why eating glass balls is bad. Use the word “no” repeatedly and emphatically.
47. Hold and soothe toddler due to their hurt feelings.
48. Offer some form of bribery, like a dumdum sucker.
49. Separate breakable from nonbreakable ornaments.
50. Invite toddler to “help.”
51. First wash sticky, sucker residue from toddler’s fingers.
52. Feel joy wash over you as you hang precious, heirloom ornaments. At the top of the tree.
53. Feel joy diminish rapidly at the shrill screaming of your toddler, distraught that the ornaments won’t stay still when placed precariously atop a branch.
54. Hold and soothe crying toddler.
55. Make ridiculous faces or play “this little piggie” to get toddler’s mind off the injustice of ornaments that are ruled by the laws of gravity.
56. Attempt to demonstrate to toddler how to hang an ornament using the large, string loop attached to each plastic piece.
57. Watch as toddler eagerly grabs ornament from your hand before demonstration is completed.
58. Grab your camera phone and take multiple, adorable pictures of toddler hanging ornaments on their own.
59. Make certain to get one that will be perfect for your Christmas cards.
60. Have a seat and go through the twenty or so shots you snapped, editing the best one via Instagram.
61. Try and resist sharing it immediately to Facebook.
62. Realize that while editing photo that your toddler has placed another small ornament in their mouth.
63. Scream “No!” before you can stop yourself.
64. Hold and soothe crying toddler.
65. Replay the question in your mind, “why did I let my toddler skip nap time today?!”
66. Fix cup of milk for toddler to take their mind off how mean Mommy is.
67. Clean up milk from floor that your toddler has spit out in a fit of glee.
68. Continue hanging breakable ornaments out of little hands’ reach.
69. Pick-up toddler who wants to be held and hang your ornaments.
70. Distract toddler with ornament that looks like a princess crown, and excitedly hang plastic ornaments yourself in an attempt to make it look appealing.
71. Pat yourself on back for redirection of toddler back to “helping” with tree.
72. Hurriedly hang the rest of your fragile ornaments before the toddler notices.
73. Watch in OCD horror as toddler hangs all their ornaments in one spot on the tree.
74. Soothe crying toddler after an epic meltdown due to the crumbling collapse of their poorly-constructed ornament tower.
75. Try to attempt to help toddler hang ornaments the “right” way.
76. Allow toddler to move your beautiful, perfectly placed ornament to prevent further meltdown.
77. Grit your teeth, close your eyes, count backwards from ten, and repeat, “this really doesn’t matter. We’re having fun.”
78. Take another photo to remind yourself of this.
79. Consider posting to Facebook.
80. Soothe crying toddler who is distraught over discovering the ornament shaped like candy is not really candy at all. Explain to toddler that reality is often cruel.
81. Quickly hang remainder of ornaments with toddler on your hip.
82. Ask toddler, “what are you eating?”
83. Do finger sweep of toddler’s mouth even as they clamp it tightly shut.
84. Remove tiny wheel that came off of Santa’s car ornament.
85. Considering correcting eating of ornament behavior, but think better of it.
86. Place toddler on couch in front of television. Say “watch Dora. Let Mommy clean-up.”
87. Remove all empty boxes and take them back to the shed.
88. Have the forethought to take along house key this time.
89. Find door unlocked after you finish since you are prepared for it to be latched.
90. Consider if you have entered an alternate universe when you find toddler still on couch.
91. Realize you are indeed in your own dimension, and your toddler is naked.
92. Prepare toddler for bed after an exhausting day of Christmas decorating.
93. See future lists for the steps required to put toddler to sleep.
94. After toddler is asleep you may complete the task of decorating the tree by rearranging all clumped together ornaments into properly-spaced, color-coordinated intervals.
95. Take picture of your final product and post to Facebook while your wet laundry sits forgotten.