I could still feel the sticky residue of recent tears dried upon my cheeks, and I was reminded that it was the second time today that I had cried uncontrollably. Each time I had been unable to control the emotional outpouring from my spirit, and my feelings had escaped the only way they knew how. Right through my eyes.
My early morning tears hurt. Bad. The kind of tears you can feel burning in your throat, that take your breath away, and make your chest ache. Those tears had been so raw that they became real. They had begun as sobs within my dream, but had painfully pulled themselves from the recesses of my nightmare, and had transformed into wrenching, tortuous cries that forced me to wake up gasping for air.
I had been working at the hospital, and that wasn’t surprising to dream about my job. But in this particular scenario I was taking care of an expectant mother, and that was unusual. She was the same gestational age as myself, nineteen weeks, and I was happy for her. I gazed, smiling through the window at her rounded belly, and suddenly I was sure I had heard my co-worker incorrectly.
“Well, it’s time to get started.” My nursing co-worker said matter-of-fact, and it was in this moment I realized we were to terminate the pregnancy.
The realization came to me then that we had given the young lady something to soften and dilate her cervix, and now my peer was going into the room to do her job. Because dreams contain an unrealistic quality, in this situation the nurse would literally be pulling the unborn child cruelly and prematurely from the woman’s womb with her hands, and although medically inaccurate it seemed to fit right in line with the actual barbaric nature that was abortion. Whether a vacuum tube, sterile forceps, or the more painful to think about, nurse’s bare hands, the fact remained that in this procedure a young life was being cut short.
Why? I screamed to my dream self. And when did this become so commonplace that we were performing it where I worked?!
I watched in horror as the nurse set to work, and I cringed at her face. She was simply performing a task in her mind’s eye. She didn’t see it as murder. And the mother. The mother laughed and smiled, oblivious to the travesty occurring, and my heart broke. It broke for the three victims I saw in that room.
So I ran. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, searching for a place to hide. I had to hide from this job requirement. I had to disappear from the scene that burned my eyes. I had to shut myself away from the pain of blatant death cloaked in the normalcy of just another medical procedure of convenience.
What was my Father thinking of this?
And my heart broke more. I cried and cried until the torment of my tears woke me, and even then they flowed painfully.
I thought of them all as I watched the screen today. I thought of the three victims of abortion as I watched the miracle of life flash across the monitor. As I sat in the ultrasound room gazing at my baby’s perfect profile and amazing, four-chambered heart beating away I sobbed. My heart was so happy and celebratory for my best gift of motherhood that grateful tears leaked from my eyes, but I also remembered the grieving tears my heart had felt that morning. They mixed with my joyful ones, and I couldn’t keep either of them at bay.
If that young woman could have watched in awe at her own baby’s perfect feet would it have made a difference? Would it have transformed her uncertainty and fear of the future unknown to hope, the hope that springs forth victoriously in the face of miraculous life?
The pain of abortion is beyond even what I felt when I woke suddenly this morning, and for its surviving victims I only feel sympathy. I’ve been blind also to things in my life, but none that would torment me so. For them I pray peace. Yet my heart still grieves for so many tiny lives cut short, and I can only imagine how my Savior must feel.
A part of me desired to go back to my dream, and to tell that young woman there’s always a way. There’s always hope. There’s always hope in life.
If only I could tell her…
*If you live in the Corinth, MS area and are dealing with an unexpected pregnancy, or know someone struggling with this uncertainty please know resources are available. There is always hope. You may find more answers by clicking here.
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