As a mom to two kids four and under I don’t usually get to watch a TV show when it comes on, but I do have the privilege of DVR, or recorded television in the late night hours. And it was while catching up recently on my Downton Abbey that I was reminded how easy it is to have an affair, especially without intending to have one.
I still haven’t caught up completely with the series, and I was only able to pay minimal attention as I folded laundry and prepared supper, but I did notice something that caught my eye. Cora Crawley “innocently” out with a man other than her husband, and although not even a brush of the cheek passed amongst them, I was on Mr. Crawley’s side when he was justifiably upset after becoming aware of the outing. She felt unjustly accused of infidelity in an apparently innocent situation, but I kept thinking, what do you expect Cora?!
Whether you watch the series of which I speak or not, I think you’ll be able to follow my train of thinking, and though you might disagree perhaps it will give you something to think about. And maybe, just maybe, it can prevent you from making an erroneous, albeit accidental affront against your marriage.
Here’s what I’m thinking. Married women can’t have friends of the opposite sex.
Wait, what?! You heard me right. And conversely I don’t think married men should have female friends, but since I’m a wife I’ll only speak from my point of view.
When you decide to become committed to a lifetime of monogamy and faithfulness, both sexually and emotionally (very important), to just one person then you need to understand the responsibility you now have to that union. As a co-partner in the enterprise of your marriage the responsibility equally rests with you to uphold the vows you have taken, and to act in a manner that represents this agreement of faithfulness. Any situation that makes this difficult for you to maintain should probably not be a part of your daily activities.
As a wife your husband should be your best friend. Not your mom, your sister, or even your bestie from elementary school. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Marriage is a difficult relationship to happily maintain because of the many factors involved. As a married person you now have a roommate with which you share yourself sexually, but also are completely open to emotionally. They know your secrets, even the ugly ones, and now you’re expected to make important, life decisions with someone other than yourself. And you typically have to agree. Throw in childrearing, aging, and the whole “through richer or poorer, through sickness and health” bit and it really becomes a dance. But once you can find your rhythm it’s beautiful.
So naturally it’s not a good idea to let someone cut in while you and your beloved have finally got in the groove, and it’s especially a major lapse in judgement to dance with another while you and the spouse are still figuring out the steps. I mean, it’s easy to want to tango elsewhere, but it’s not wise if you want to keep your original partner.
As a wife if you are going out alone with a man other than your spouse I want you to seriously consider if this is wise. I don’t think it is. Even if your intentions are innocent and your relationship with your opposite sex friend is purely platonic it’s still a bad idea. Humans will be human, and sexual desire is a strange, sneaky animal. A friend who seems unattractive to you may suddenly become alluring in the right situation, especially if you add in a bottle of wine. I don’t care if you have the resolve of a stone wall; we are all tempted. It’s human nature.
And even if you’re not having inappropriate physical attractions to your opposite sex friend you may still be cheating in other ways. You may find the emotional stroking you desire, and you may be content to have it fulfilled by a friend rather than your spouse. This emotional disconnect will drive a distance between you and your marriage partner. It’s inevitable.
If you’re sharing hopes, dreams, and secrets with a man other than your husband then you should not be surprised when the conversational neglect you are dealing out takes its toil on your union.
Another consideration is the feelings of your spouse for the situation. Even if your husband says he doesn’t mind you hanging out alone with “Mike,” I want you to consider that it might still be bothering him deep down. He might feel as if he’s in competition for your affections, and even if he doesn’t mean to be jealous, he probably will be. Why put your spouse in that situation? And what if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you feel a little inkling of jealousy or inadequacy if your husband was out with another woman?
I think sometimes there’s a tendency to be unfair in relationships. Often times women can have male friends while married, but everyone flips out if the husband has a female friend. How unfair to unconsciously state that men are more likely to be unfaithful than their female counterparts. That’s basically what society is saying when wives are allowed male friends, but husbands are not. If you’re human you are capable of infidelity; it’s that simple.
So back to Downton. I don’t know if Cora will have an affair later down the road, and I don’t even know if her intentions were impure , but the point is that it doesn’t matter. No matter your intention, a bad situation is a bad situation. Why place yourself in one of those? Why risk the most important relationship you will have in your life?
Marriage is based on so many things, and yes, trust is one of those. My spouse trusts that I won’t cheat on him, but I’m not going to step out alone with another man to test his trust. I’m not going to test myself in that manner. I have male friends, but we are work friends or mutual friends. I choose not to go out alone, talk on the phone, or text/chat extensively with another man. I just don’t think that’s fair to my husband, and I’m grateful that he feels the same.
As far as the Crawleys go I’ll have to keep watching.
Carolyn says
No truer words were ever spoken! An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical affair because your mind and heart is on the “other” person when being intimate with your spouse! The bible says FLEE from any appearance of evil! You are right! Satan is very subtle and appears innocent but humas are vulnerable and can get caught in a trap before they even realize it! And then satan weaves a web of lies, deceit, distrust, etc that affects everyone; children too!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing.