While some of us were raised one way, some were raised another, and while I’ll never judge which way is best I will go on the record as saying I have an opinion on how I wish to raise my children.
For example, some of us were raised to believe that promiscuity is a good thing, and it might have even been encouraged. Some were raised to be alcoholics, or even abusers, simply following the example put forth as we grew up.
Conversely, some of us were raised in a stringently “religious” environment where we were harshly presented with a mile-long list of rules to abide by if we wanted to prevent an eternity of hellfire, damnation. By the way, this never worked.
Regardless, when I see reports on the news sometimes I wonder what happened?! What in the world made that guy burn the face off a dog, or what made that lady hang her kid upside-down from the ceiling, and then beat the poor kid to death? What made that guy cut his mom’s head off? It can’t just be her nagging him about chores.
Then I realize I can’t know. There’s no way I can fathom what pain, past atrocity, or just plain evil makes people do the things they do. There’s no way I can know what makes an innocent child grow into a “monster.”
What I can do is work with what I have. I am raising a piece of the next generation, and I certainly feel the weight of this lofty responsibility. I have opinions, and I have ways I think my children need to be raised to be the healthiest adults they can be. Here’s some “steps” I follow.
1. Love them! Gosh, this seems so obvious that it’s not even worth mentioning. But it’s the most important thing! And sadly some parents miss the mark on this one.
Everyone, every human needs love. It’s the basis of healthy relationships. I’m not talking about putting your child on a pedestal, or raising a self-centered, entitled child. I’m not talking about worshipping your child above your spouse, or anything else for that matter. I’m just talking about plain and simple love.
Hug them. Tell them you love them. And then follow the other steps below in a manner of love.
2. Lead by example. This is the hardest parenting hack, but the truth is that your child is watching every move you make. They are emulating you. They look up to you, and even as you instruct, “do as I say not as I do,” they are basing how they will act in this life off your example.
Do you smoke? It’s statistically proven that so will your child.
What about drinking? It doesn’t matter if you have a lock on the liquor cabinet. Prepare yourself for a teenager who might just get drunk and kill someone behind the wheel.
Is your spouse abusive physically or emotionally? You might just raise a future abuser.
Hey single mom, how many men go through your home like a revolving door? Prepare that your teen might be pregnant at sixteen.
They may not. They may rise above the ashes. On the other hand, you may be the model of “perfect” behavior, and your child may still do all the things you wanted to prevent. But, don’t you want to give them the best chance possible at a healthy, happy future.
Look in the mirror, look inside yourself, and then ask if you want your child to be like you. If the answer is “no” then maybe you need to make some changes.
Also, I know it sounds harsh, but I don’t say any of this out of judgement. Honestly, I speak it out of love for you. And I speak it as a sinner who has fallen so hard, and continues to make mistakes.
3. Don’t spare the rod. I am a supporter of disciplining your children. They need to be told “no,” and they need boundaries. In the real world they will not be allowed to have whatever they want. If you’re giving them any and everything now then understand that you’re setting them up for future failure.
Despite popular opinion, children love discipline deep down. It gives them a sense of security and love. If you’re setting limits your child knows you are protecting them. Kids are smarter than you think.
Also, always remember to discipline in love. Never discipline in a spirit of anger. Take a step back if you must, then proceed in a calm, loving manner. After an act of discipline don’t forget to hug your child and explain the reasons behind their punishment.
4. Intercede for your child. What I mean by this is a commitment to pray for your child. Pray daily, without ceasing for the welfare of your child. Give thanks for them. Don’t wait until there’s a problem, but rather pray for your child the moment they are formed in the womb.
Pray for protection, and most importantly pray that they hear God’s voice. I am of the opinion that a child is never too young to hear the still voice of God in their hearts.
Teach them to pray, and not just to pray, but to speak in a manner of a personal relationship with Jesus. I recently asked my four year old a question in the car, and she didn’t answer. I looked back in the rearview to see her animatedly, but silently conversing with someone. When I asked who in the world she was talking to she responded, “I’m talking to Jesus Mom!” It seemed like the most obvious, natural thing to her, and I was glad.
Teach your kids to talk to Jesus. Some things they may not talk to you about, but they can always talk to Him.
5. Give them security. All of the above comes together here. You show them security through an environment where they are loved, and one where they have rules and limits. These rules are not set-in-stone laws meant to manipulate or control them, but rather boundaries that show them you care. And this environment gives a sense of security.
As you carry yourself in a morally upright way you give the example to your kids of true happiness, not that derived from the world. They learn from you to depend on The Lord, and that they can also depend on you.
And while many single parents do a fabulous job raising their children, I believe a two-parent household to be the one that offers a child the most security. I might be under fire for that comment, but I believe it to be true. As a child whose bio-dad left, I can attest to the broken security an absent father brings. Single people would do well to keep this in the back of their mind before having a child with a person who isn’t cut out for parenthood. Some folks just aren’t, but it’s the child who suffers in the end.
Don’t be ashamed if you’re a single parent; be proud. I’m sure you will agree though that you have to work twice as hard to offer the things your child needs, and for that you have my utmost respect.
In the end the most important thing to remember is that even if you excel at all of the steps outlined above that in the end it is out of your control. And while your ability to raise your child properly is so very important, when it comes down to the future it might not matter. It’s because this world is evil, and sin is there.
Although I know little of how Cain was raised, I’m quite certain there was not all the negative influence of today’s society; yet he still killed his brother Abel.
Point being, in this world there will be bad things, and they might just influence your child. But don’t lose hope, instead remember that this is why you have to give it to God. You have to surrender your children to His protection.
But, you must also do your part.
You must be a good steward of the gifts He has given, your children included. You have to give them the best chance in this life to grow up in a stable, healthy home so that they may lead productive, joyful lives in the future. And also not decapitate you. That would be good too.
*This post purposely did not address the issue of mental illness. I am aware that many cases of violence, such as the mugshot picture I used, are attributed to mental illness as a causative factor. But this post specifically speaks to how as parents we might negatively impact the life of our children. I do believe that is a huge factor, and am still uncertain on which weighs heavier on an individual, heredity (chemical imbalances) or environmental factors. As this post might suggest, I lean towards the latter, but it’s simply my opinion.
**Also of note, this post is written by a once divorced woman who also had a drinking problem. God changes people, and continues to do so.
jamie anderson says
I love this. Your an amazing person and am so glad I read this. I pray that I am the best mom for my son and, one day he can be the best dad…….
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for your comment and encouragement. I’ll bet you’re an awesome mom!