- I pray this doesn’t come across as judgmental. That’s certainly not the intention. Consider it, if anything, advice from a concerned friend. So, here it goes.
Who doesn’t love a selfie? Most people do, even the ones who say they don’t. Even my baby loves the mode on my iPhone that allows her to see herself and snap a shot to send to her daddy.
A growing number of thirty-somethings like myself have jumped on the selfie train, and even both of my children’s grandmothers sport selfies as their profile picture. What I’m saying is that just about everyone shoots self portraits with their smart phone. It’s become a cultural norm where those who aren’t taking selfies are actually in the minority. I’d like to try and say I took my first selfie out of necessity because I’m surrounded by people under four all day who are incapable of holding a camera steady, but that would simply be a convenient excuse.
Eventually there comes a day where you’re like, “Wow. I look really cute today.” Or perhaps, “I look half-way descent today. Better take advantage of that one!” You snap a shot and make the decision to share it with a hundred or so of your closest buddies. Most of us do this after a handful of takes and a little photo editing. Just #keepingitreal, unless there’s #nofilter that is.
Even as you find yourself making fun of selfies, you find yourself taking a selfie. It’s ok. Everyone does it. The point of this post isn’t to talk about the evils of posting a selfie, or how it can negatively affect an impressionable person’s self-esteem. I won’t talk about the culture we find ourselves in where people tend to build their self-worth on what others think based on how many likes that can garner or how many followers they can obtain. While those are worthy topics, that’s not what this post is about.
Yesterday I spent most of the day in the kiddie pool with my young children. I love pictures! It’s inherited, and I typically snap shots on a daily basis. The mood struck me just right and bam. I took a selfie of my one year old and myself in the pool.
Later that day I looked over the pictures I had taken, and I considered sharing on social media. I personally like Instagram and Facebook. I found myself assessing the selfie. I thought I looked pretty good! I’ve gotten to a place where I’m happy with myself physically, so it wasn’t a lack of self-esteem that caused me pause. It was more than that.
I just wasn’t sure if the photo was appropriate. My swimsuit was a one piece like I prefer, but it’s hard to be modest with a generous bosom. My eyes were drawn to the plunging neckline of the suit and I just didn’t feel right about sharing it.
I ended up simply sending it to my husband. I included a caption with the photo that read, “just for you.” While my husband doesn’t participate on Facebook, he knows my affection for the site and my tendency to over-share. It was therefore important to me that he know that I wasn’t choosing to share that particular photo. He didn’t say anything about it later, but I’m certain he appreciated it.
I think there’s an issue with the type of selfies we share with the world. I seem to be seeing a growing number of self-depreciating, inappropriate selfies thrown out there for anyone to see.
Maybe I sound like an old lady, or maybe I sound like a prude, but I’m just wondering what the photographer is trying to get across when they post a picture of themselves in private circumstances. What I mean is, what does it say about you when you post a picture of yourself lying in bed wearing your lingerie?
Maybe it says, “I’m sleepy.” Or, “Dang. It’s really hot in here. My AC is broken. That’s why I’m half-naked.” I think it would suffice to just post a status of “Can anyone suggest a good HVAC repairman?” I’m weird like that though.
It doesn’t say that though. This sounds bad, but I feel the need to be brutally honest. To me it says you want attention. It says you desire affection from someone, that you need someone to tell you that you’re pretty. If you also make the point of taking most of your selfies from an elevated point of view so as to focus down your cleavage, then you’re really shouting out, “Please notice me. I need your reassurances and compliments to feel good about myself.”
If I’m wrong, then I apologize. If you’re taking pictures of yourself scantily clad, laying in a provocative pose like Catwoman or something, and Lord help us if you have your tongue out too, but you’re insistent that you’re not seeking attention, approval, or affection, then I’m sorry for my assessment. I’m not wanting to judge you, but rather wish to let you know how it appears. It appears like I described. Needy, desperate, sad.
People of the opposite sex will notice. Young, old, and everything in between. Their friends will too. You’ll receive compliments, and some of those will be from married men. I’m not saying it’s your responsibility to keep a man’s eyes solely on his wife, but I’m wondering if you really desire to be a cause for his stumble?
You’ll get noticed, but I wonder if it’s really the type of attention you will be desiring. Do you desire a relationship with someone who will love you for you? Do you want your mate to respect your thoughts and feelings? Do you want a faithful relationship? Do you want someone who sees you as a unique, precious gift from God? I’m asking because the type of attention a sexy selfie might be drawing could be the opposite of what you desire long term.
I use three filters before I publish a selfie. I don’t mean photo-editing filters. I mean that I take the picture through these three questions to decide if it’s a good idea to share or not.
1. What would my spouse think? I respect my husband, and I would never wish to put anything on a public forum that might disrespect him. As his spouse I believe my body is for his pleasure, not that of another man. Yes, it’s my body, but I also give it to him, and only him. Therefore I don’t share something of myself that should be for his eyes only.
But maybe you don’t have a spouse.
2. What about your dad? My father was super-protective of me, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it as a teenager, I loved it. It showed me that he cared. My dad doesn’t do Facebook either, but I consider what he would think. I’m still his little girl, and I consider if my picture would make him proud, or cause him distress.
But maybe you don’t have a protective father.
3. Not everyone was gifted with an earthly father who cares, but we all have a Heavenly Father. It may sound silly to you, but I base all my decisions on how my God would see it. Does He approve? Would He be proud of my behavior? Does He feel my behavior exemplifies the reputation of the family name or the role of a Christian? If the answer is no, then I don’t proceed.
Maybe none of those filters work for you. Maybe you need to come up with your own way to judge if your selfie is appropriate. When appropriateness is in question, #nofilter isn’t an option. We all need one.
Look at yourself and ask if your picture is saying what it needs to about you. If you died tomorrow would you want that selfie displayed at your funeral? Would you want it to be the standard by which your life is defined? Could it be the most appropriate narrative of who you are, what you stand for, and how you wish to be remembered?
If the answer is “no,” then you might need to hit delete. I’m not saying you have to stop taking selfies. I’m just saying you might want to take a long hard look at that picture before you hit publish, and ask yourself what your selfie says about you.
Kristen Lothenore says
I love this. So many need this advice. Very well worded. Great selfie by the way 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you 🙂