If you’ve opened this link then I suppose the title really grabbed your attention. Perhaps I overdo the letter format, but it’s an easy way for me to get my thoughts and feelings on a subject to flow. And I needed the help with this subject as you can imagine. My feelings are strong, but I also wanted to get them across in the loving way I intended while still expressing my frustrations. Lately I’ve seen a lot of harsh words thrown at Christians as a whole on the subject of homosexuality and it bothers me. I wanted to be a voice for the persecuted Christian who loves his brother, but still has a strong belief system. I hope I succeeded with this letter. Here goes…
My Friend,
I find we’re in a tough spot you and I. It hasn’t affected our friendship on the surface, but I wonder sometimes what lurks below. Unsaid.
It’s no secret that we are different. We grew up in the same small town, attending church, enjoying many of the same circle of friends and extracurricular activities. But then we grew up. You went your way and I went mine, but friends we happily remained.
I want you to know that I realize it’s not easy for you. I know you feel different and perhaps even judged because of that. I guess that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. While I can’t completely walk in your shoes I want you to know that I understand. I understand what it’s like to be seen as different, and also what it feels like to be judged. It feels awful.
See, that’s my problem, and it bugs me. You have your feelings on things, your struggles, but I want you to realize that I do too.
The thing is that I disagree with you, with your lifestyle choice. I know you know this, so just bear with me while I pull the thoughts from my tangled brain and try to place them in some semblance of order for you.
I think it’s also important that I add the fact that I realize my opinion on your personal decision is not important to you. I mean as much as it matters to me, I understand that your life and more importantly your salvation are not dependent on how I feel. That is completely up to God. Not me. Two things though. One, as your friend and your sister in Christ I feel it’s my responsibility to you to share my beliefs. And two, when asked what my belief or opinion is I would like to answer honestly without having to cringe.
That being said, we both realize we don’t see eye-to-eye on the subject of sexual preference. That’s a given. What you may not see is how it’s as difficult for me as it is for you. You may be shaking your head right now, but hear me out.
It’s not easy to be a Christian and stand by your values that you hold to be true. The thing is that because I do hold a belief that homosexuality is not part of God’s plan for humanity I am somehow a hate-monger. If I open my mouth and give this opinion I become the one under judgement in today’s society. I become the one being called names.
I end up being able to completely understand your feelings of being labeled because when I openly speak how I believe I am given my own scarlet letter.
I’m a “homophobe.”
I’m a “bigot.”
I’m a “anti-gay” individual.
I am “close-minded.”
I am “judgmental.”
The list goes on and on and it becomes much worse as it goes. I won’t repeat it here. And I know you have been called names too. I know. I’m just trying to tell you I understand how you feel, and I want you to see how this affects me too.
You see, my problem is that I’m between a rock and a hard place lately. It’s becoming really difficult to be a heterosexual Christian. It’s extremely difficult to believe in heterosexual marriage alone. It’s near impossible to speak openly in favor of my beliefs on the family unit as I feel God designed it to be. If I open my mouth on this issue I receive slurs from one end and a finger to my mouth and “shhh” from the other.
You end up with two things happening here. One is that the majority of people who have the audacity to speak on the issue come off as hateful and judgmental. And I’ve read a lot of their comments. I would have to agree with you. They fling labels, names, slurs, and ugly accusations like fiery darts. It’s terrible! I will go on the record and apologize my friend. Anyone who speaks in the name of Christ, but is doing so without love is not speaking correctly. It breaks my heart.
That brings us to the second thing though. All the people who are standing firm in their view of homosexuality as a sin, wearing a title of a Christian, but speaking with judgement and accusation, and zero love, are causing the rest of us to slink into the shadows.
We’re afraid! And I hate that word. I don’t usually like to admit fear. It’s not that we’re afraid of man per se. We’re actually afraid of misrepresenting the thing we hold most dear. We’re afraid of giving off a distorted picture of our wonderful friend and Savior, Jesus. In our fear that our beliefs will somehow reflect poorly on our Christ and Lord we remain silent. What I’m trying to say is that we are really having a tough time standing by our principles yet still convincing you that we love you. Did you hear me? We love you.
We do. But it’s not coming off that way. When we speak in disagreement it is viewed as intolerance. When we decide to stand firm in what we believe to be right and wrong as written in the Bible we are anti-gay spigots of hate.
Can you be “anti” and still be considered able to embrace someone? I think so, but over half of America would disagree with me. And that’s where it’s hard for me.
I want to have my opinions. I need to have my opinions. It’s a part of who I am. It’s an important part of my belief system. When you ask me my opinion on the subject I want to be able to tell you without fear of backlash, but also without fear that my personal relationship with Jesus will be misunderstood as some ugly thing, some elevated platform where I think I sit and duel out cards for admission to Heaven. That couldn’t be any farther from the truth.
My relationship with Him is the most important thing to me. And if anything I misspeak somehow tarnishes His name then I am beyond grieved. I am beyond devastated. It truly rips at my heart.
But I also have to be completely honest with you. After all, you are certainly honest with me. Thing is, sometimes I get really mad. Like really mad. It angers me that when you speak your heart and how you believe about sexuality you’re considered “brave,” but when I do it I’m considered “hateful” and “close-minded.” It doesn’t really seem fair, and that makes me mad.
I suppose that feeling of anger is what compels many of my brothers and sisters to speak out so vehemently against you. I don’t think they hate you. Maybe some of them do, but we’ve always known there’s ugly people in this world haven’t we? I’m sorry for that just as much as you are, maybe even more so. It certainly doesn’t lift up the family name (meaning the family of God).
I wish it were easier, but I guess it wouldn’t be called conflict if it was. You feel judged, and so do I. You feel misunderstood, and I wanna tell you “me too!” When it comes down to it there may not be a way for me to prove to you that while I’m “anti-gay” that I’m not anti-you.
All I can do is stress to you that I love you. I am a big ole sinner, and I fall flat on my face in so many ways, but I hope I never fail in loving you. You’re not a faggot. You’re my brother. Jesus died for me, and He died for you. I disagree with some of your life choices. A lot. I don’t think they’re right. But that doesn’t change how much my Father loves you. And I will follow His example.
With Love,
Your Friend Always
Kimble says
Hi, I stumbled on your blog through Jen Hatmaker’s Facebook.
I think it’s important for Christians to identify what denomination they belong to when having sensitive discussion like this. You say “It’s not easy to be a Christian and stand by your values that you hold to be true”. As I’m sure you know, not all Christians think homosexuality is a sin. Millions of people worship in open and affirming denominations where gays and lesbians are accepted as equals. End of story. My 85-year-old mother is a devout Christian. She is an Episcopalian who humbly worships alongside her LGBT brothers and sisters. I think we all go in to dangerous territory when we start to view different denominations, and their interpretations of the bible, as somehow “less than.”
I look at the gay marriage through the lens of my interracial marriage. I’m a white woman married to an Asian-American man. Marriage is such a blessing and a brief look at your blog shows that you would agree! A few generations ago, one of the primary arguments against interracial marriage was that it was “against god”; in fact the judge that made the initial ruling in the Loving vs. Virginia supreme court case said as much–that god put different races on separate continents for a reason. And when those laws were overturned, interracial marriage was not approved of by an overwhelming majority of Americans.
In 2014, a person disapproving of interracial marriage or relationships would be viewed as a bigot, even if they pointed to their religion to back up their views. Respectfully, I just don’t see how it’s different with LGBT folks.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I appreciate your comment and thank you for sharing it. I suppose we’ll just agree that we disagree on this issue. I can see what you’re saying, and there are indeed different interpretations of scripture. Divorce is one of those topics that is seen differently too. I have to read the scriptures and prayerfully consider what I feel the Holy Spirit is telling me, as well as the counsel of my leaders and teachers. My stance is different from yours on homosexuality, but I respect your views and thank you for commenting.
Sandy says
I appreciate your comments so much! I share your sentiments and always wondered how to put that sensitive subject into words. It’s God’s truth that will stand for all eternity. For believing that, I often feel like I am in the minority.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for your kind comment.
Jane says
well-said, tough subject.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Sally says
Yes. Thanks
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Liz says
Thank you for speaking your opinion in a kind way. So many don’t. I worship alongside my LGBT brothers and sisters weekly in an ELCA congregation, and it makes my heart glad to know that the ELCA has embraced allowing LGBT members to serve God in the way they were created. I must say that I disagree with you calling homosexuality a “personal decision” and a “lifestyle choice”. I’m a heterosexual Christian, and I never made the “personal decision” to be heterosexual or the “lifestyle choice” to be heterosexual. I was born that way. Do I believe that God’s plan is for people to be born homosexual? No. But I also don’t believe that God’s plan was for people to be born whose lives included divorce, injustice, murder, hatred, intolerance, and people judging others. To name a few. I could go on and on, but I think you get my point.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I do get your point, and I appreciate it. I certainly never planned to get divorced. So, yes, I get what you’re saying. Thank you for your comment.
Peggy says
I believe that we all, as Christians, need to look at this a different way. Do we say, “I stand in church and worship beside my adulterer, gossiper, thief, liar brothers and sisters? No. To our great Lord and Savior, sin is sin and none is any worse than the other. The fact that we as a church are picking out different sins and making them somehow worse is totally wrong. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I believe homosexuality is a sin, just as I see that stealing and coveting are sins. Jesus said “Go sin no more.” or “Your sins are forgiven.” Christ told us to consider ourselves blessed when we are persecuted for Him. I totally understand what you are saying Brieann but we should not be picking out certain sins and highlighting them because Jesus did not. I will be the first one to admit, as I am sure you will too, that I am not sinless. We should all be joyously standing in church, worshipping beside our fellow sinners, all for the glory of our Lord. Thank you for expressing your feelings kindly. We as a church need to stop judging others as if they were somehow seen differently in Christ’s eyes and simply love them into His presence. God will sort their hearts out in His usual way–it is not for us to do.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the wonderful comment. I agree with you completely. I don’t see any one sin ranked any higher than another. I have blogged on a number of issues such as alcoholism, adultery, and promiscuity. So naturally as I write on all these different problems I’m not highlighting one above the other. As I’ve found myself growing closer to the Lord I try and find any and all areas of my life where I might be less than pleasing to my Savior. I think anyone who grows in their personal relationship with Jesus will feel the same. Then He will bring to light for them personally areas where they sin and can work on something. This topic in particular is very touchy and heated. It’s controversial nature is probably what has made it rank higher for people to read when compared to my other blogs where I address sin, and that is likely why you came across it rather than say my blog titled “A Letter to My Promiscuous Friend.” Regardless, I agree with your comment and thank you again for sharing.