I’m not much for exercise. I probably should be, but I’m not. What I do enjoy though is stretching my mental capacities to the utmost limits of their endurance. When something starts to become easier in my parenthood journey I for some reason feel it’s necessary to shake it up a bit. I will take a task I’ve become accustomed to and make it extremely difficult. Like today.
If you too enjoy challenges and exercises to strengthen your tolerance levels then may I suggest my guidelines for grocery shopping with children.
1. Take all the kids!
We’ll start here because this is where some mothers take the easy road. They get a sitter for when they shop, or perhaps only take half of their offspring. If you really want to test the limits of your patience then you need to start with the basics. Take them all.
2. Skip the naps. Some parenting books will tell you to allow for shopping trips in between your children’s naps. It seems logical, but if you truly want to experience an exciting and adventurous trip to the store, something much more stimulating than the norm, then I suggest skipping naps entirely. This will encourage your children to dig deep for those adorable behaviors that you really wish strangers to witness in public.
3. Give sweet treats! This may sound strange at first, but trust me. It’s an integral part to the entire experience. It will really highlight the particular mood your little ones are trying to achieve. As they teeter on the precipice of a nap the added sugar will jolt them just long enough to cause them to run circles around the shopping cart for the first four aisles of your journey.
Personally I chose a strawberry milk shake from McDonald’s for my sweethearts today. They place the restaurant strategically right where my serious grocery shopping experience begins. If you are lucky your store will contain this pitstop because the greasy fries will also keep the younger ones, restrained within the basket interested in something other than ripping the Danimals smoothie box open. But don’t fret if your store doesn’t contain a fast food chain within. This is why you stock your purse full of dumdum suckers.
4. Get the biggest shopping cart you can find. This is so important, but often overlooked, especially by those who choose to shop alone or only with one child. The bigger the cart the more exciting the journey. If you can find one shaped like a race car then get it! The kids definitely will request this cart, but will abandon its available seating two aisles into the store. This will leave you trying to manipulate a semi-truck-sized basket through the recently downsized aisles of your local store. As you block the aisle with your wide load you can expect looks of disdain from fellow shoppers. This might also be because your child has hopped into the back of this stranger’s basket and is trying to eat its contents. Smile politely and know you are headed in the right direction towards a mental breakdown.
5. Just say “no” to products with cartoon characters on the packaging. If you really want to test your limits of mental stability then I suggest this little exercise. Among rows and rows of affordable and generic breakfast cereals there will be strategically placed boxes with your child’s favorite character pasted on the box. These boxes will naturally cost $2 more than the store brand beside it. They will also be smaller. If you wish at this point of the adventure to elicit blood-curdling screams of disappointment from the un-napped, sugar-crashing masses then may I suggest saying “no” and grabbing the plain box of Toasted Oat O’s.
6. Let your kids scream it out. At some point, usually around the half-way mark, your children will begin to fight amongst one another. They may be fighting over the box of snacks you let them open to stop the cries elicited from the defeat in the cereal aisle, but most likely they are just fighting because. Because of nothing. “She kicked me!” And, “But she kicked me first!”
You may think you need to get involved at this point, maybe separate them. Don’t. It’s too late for them. Heck, it’s too late for you. Your service at this point is to the public. Hordes of teenagers walking around on a Friday evening are looking to you to show them the way. Let your life be the birth control for today’s youth. After ten minutes of ear-piercing screams from your littles the passing group of teen girls eyeing you in disgust and fear will think twice of any pre-marital tryst.
7. Let them help. By this point you’ll be nearing the end of the trip. Your baby will be intermittently trying to jump out of the basket versus collapsing on the bread and drooling off to dreamland. You’ll be eager to wrap it up and get done already. This is the point when your preschooler will wish to exert autonomy and want to pick out, weigh, and bag all the produce.
You really can win either way here. If you say “no” you can experience a meltdown like you had in the breakfast aisle although on a much larger scale as the sugar has completely worn off. This would definitely drive you to stick an icepick in your own ear. But may I suggest allowing her to help gather the fruits and vegetables. It’s so much more stretching to your patience at this time. Your preschooler will not disappoint. They will definitely pick the worst and most aged fruit available. Then they will drop it. All this will happen while your baby decides she has had enough. Said baby will chose this moment to dump the entire canister of snacks onto the floor of the produce aisle. Then she will throw the empty can at your head. If you’re lucky the preschooler will be grabbing a cabbage by this time and allow herself to get soaked by the mister they install to keep vegetables wet. She will definitely start to cry. She normally enjoys getting wet, but at this place and time the scant amount of water on her wrist will be detrimental.
8. Chose your check-out lane wisely. Some people will suggest picking the shortest lane to get out quickly. Chickens! May I suggest becoming distracted by the overturned remaining strawberry milkshake onto the floor and your new shoes? There will definitely be cries of anguish from your child over this incident even though they abandoned the treat long ago. These racking sobs will serve to further distract you from discerning the speed of the check-out lane you end up picking.
Make sure you pick one next to a miniature candy store display, all within arms’ length of people under four feet. If you’re really lucky they will also place toys here. You can certainly chose to say “no” to a toy at this point. It will elicit a meltdown moment, but it will be the worst thus far. It will also infect the other child/children into their own meltdown. It’s highly infectious at this point. It’s also loud enough to shatter glass, but in multiples.
So if this is your first time trying this type of “insanity shopping” you may want to just break down and buy the $3 toy. A human mind can only take so much and everyone will understand. Except the one lady behind you in line. She will be sure to offer unsolicited advice on how to not spoil your child. Feel free to give her one of the screaming kids to console if she persists in letting words fall from the hole in her face.
If you follow these simple guidelines then by the time you get to the vehicle you will have successfully reached the breaking point of your mental stability. Congratulations! You may now drive them all home, screaming the entire way. Then you can celebrate by putting all of your groceries away.
Amy says
Ahhhh…..those were the good old days for me. Four kids ages 1-6…baby in the bucket while th next two were in the side by side with my oldest walking. Now that they’re 8, 10, 12 and almost 15, ’tis but a distant memory. But I snickered. 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for reading!
Ginger says
This blog is so funny, you’ll have to publish a book soon.
I normally don’t comment but got sidelined with an illness and I’m bored to tears. As an RN, one of my friends posted your 30 things in your head; now I’m hooked. Will try not to write too often but I LOVE IT!!!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you! And I don’t mind comments one bit. Get to feeling better.
Cathy says
Hahaha! And, if you are lucky enough to shop at a store that has those adorable mini-sized carts, by all means, let each child have one. Nothing is cuter than seeing them race them in the aisles with the free standing displays. If they hit an unsuspecting shopper in the shin-bonus points!
You are a fantastic writer. Don’t stop! Thank you!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!!