I’ve discovered something as I’ve gotten older, especially in the last year or so. It’s that most people cannot see me. It’s not that I’m invisible, or even in relation to my introverted nature. It’s not that they don’t see the physical body standing there, or even the smiling pictures I place on social media. I guess the best way to put it is, most people see the surface me. They see the surface you. Or even better, they see you through lenses tainted by their own personal experiences.

The fact is, most people won’t see you, and they likely never will, even if you try to make them see. They’ll see you as a mother based on their experiences as a mother, and they’ll judge your actions based on those experiences, rather than the very real and deep experiences that cause you to make the decisions you make. They simply can’t see the “why” of you. The why you are who you are, and the way that changes everything moving forward.

Everyone is an expert. They’re an expert on everything from parenting to pet care, housework to home improvement. They’re the know-it-all of communicable diseases and even the hidden ailments you cannot easily see, like depression, anxiety, or chronic pain. The knowers and seers of all things under the sun are also usually the speakers and proclaimers, quick to share their knowledge. Sadly, this knowledge is based on what they see of themselves, rather than what they see in you. They can’t see you.

I’ve discovered that experiences shape us. They also break us. But in the collection of the broken pieces, we form who we are to become, gluing and molding new perceptions, future decisions, and perhaps even the ability to see beyond our own cracked veneer to that of another. In other words, to see someone beyond ourself. To see beyond a singular view of life.

Yesterday I had a peer inquire about my family. It was born of caring concern, and she said something that rang true with my own life experiences. She shared a quote from a friend of hers.

The woman had said, “I’d rather have my child above ground, as he is, than below ground, according to my own desires.”

This speaks to the center of seeing. We see, like scripture states, through a glass darkly, or only in part. And when we try and see others, we only see in part. Or, we see darkly, shaded by the assumptions of our own experiences. As the quoted woman above, when it came to her child, she was faced to see not through her own desires, expectations, or beliefs, but to see through lenses that gave life and gave it to the full.

So, how do we see? How do we see others? The truth is, we usually simply see others as ourselves. We say, “well, here’s what I think,” or “here’s what I’d do,” but both of these are inaccurate when seeing others. Just the use of “I” should be enough to make it obvious, but then I guess there are the people who go as far to say, “you should _______,” but even then, aren’t they suggesting what they would do? Again, they’re not seeing you, they’re not seeing me. They’re seeing themselves.

So often, when I pray to God, I thank Him that He’s the God who sees me. Yes. He’s the God who knows me. He knows the heart of me. He knows what I’ve been through, the traumas I’ve faced, and what has shaped me to make the choices I make. He created me in His image, but He sees beyond who He created me to be, into why I am who I am, how the world has influenced that, and how He may love me best to help me become the best version of me, created in His image. Otherwise, wouldn’t God have created carbon copies without free will, insight, or the ability to learn and grow? He sees and loves, uniquely to each one of us.

I know I make decisions that others may not, and I know it’s hard for some not to make that known, but I consistently have to remind myself that not everyone sees me. They only see the version of me that they want me to be, or the version of me if I were them. The problem with this is you cannot see why I’m me, why I make the decisions I do, or what brought me to that place.

I try to remember, that until I have walked in your shoes, suffered your pain, or felt deeply the loss only you can feel, I can’t see you. I can try, but it’s only in part. I can’t see you, and you can’t see me. We just see a portion of a whole.

When my heart breaks at cruel words, I have to remember, “they don’t see. They don’t know why. They don’t feel the heartache, or understand the happiness that comes after.” They just don’t.

When someone says things like,

“Well, I’d never cheat on my husband…”

“No way I’d let my kid do that…”

“I think any caring parent should have known their child was suicidal…”

“How can he let her treat him that way…”

“Why can’t she just pray for healing and get out of her head…”

“I’d just be grateful for a good paying job…”

“But he’s a really good provider…”

“I’d whoop my kid’s tail…”

“No way I’d take that…”

“Doesn’t she realize all she has to be thankful for…”

“No way I’d wear that…”

“Didn’t their momma teach them better…”

“Today’s generation doesn’t know how good they got it…”

“Those people have no clue how hard it is now…”

Are you seeing the trend? Vision is impaired when it’s through self inspection. Sadly, the vast majority don’t see me. Not the deep, secret, sacred parts. They are the parts that I toil over, not making decisions lightly. They are the parts that are no one’s business but my own, my family’s, and the God we serve. My therapist told me recently that the opinion of others should be weighed on its proximity. What a friend says will differ greatly from what a stranger on the internet says. What a relative says will have less impact than what my husband says. He’s in my circle. If anyone can see the most of me, it’s him. We all have that circle of trust and love, and the thoughts, words, and actions of those beyond it shouldn’t impact us as greatly as we allow it. We must remind ourselves that the further the ring of splashed water extends, the less the ripple. I feel the rock tossed upon my waters, but the person on the shore may never see the effects of that stone’s throw. They cannot see me. They cannot see you. And it’s a good reminder for us all to take little notice to our hearts regarding the opinion of those who cannot see.

I recently was talking to Noah in the car about relationships. He was telling me how he didn’t mind being alone, spending time by himself. He shared about enjoying fictional characters in shows he favored or books he liked, over the company of strangers.

I could relate. As an introvert, I have always been the same. Growing up I had one, good friend, and that was enough for me. I preferred the company of one, genuine relationship over the company of many. Even as I grew into adulthood, I was very selective in my friendships. I mean, life had shown me how cruel girls can be. I preferred an afternoon alone with a good book than an evening out with acquaintances who didn’t really know me, or care to see the real me. The hard truth was people could hurt you, badly. They could misunderstand you, never seeing your true heart. I think that’s where Noah was coming from that day. But the truth is, we are all made for relationship.

I explained to him that I understood his feelings and preferences, as they were mine also, but I reminded him to not close himself off from the people or person who did exist out there. I encouraged him that his tribe, his best friend was out there somewhere, and to have an open heart for that experience. I reminded him of his father and me.

I mentioned my introverted nature above, and it still holds true. I will chat up the grocery store clerk who looks like they’re having a bad day, and I will easily spill my life story to the family member of one of my critical care patients, as we exist in that environment of trying times and intimate illness, but I have trouble desiring a girls’ night out. It sounds exhausting. I’ve come to discover, though, that true relationships are not exhausting. They’re actually quite the opposite. They’re a breath of fresh air in the monotony of a routine life, and they’re the comforting embrace when trouble comes. They’re covenant, a promise to be there, without expectation, but only in unconditional love.

I reminded Noah of the gift I have in my husband. I said, “a good relationship does require both people giving 100% of themselves to it, but a great relationship doesn’t require hard work. It just is.”

I went on to share how Ben and I can simply exist together. We can be in a room together, and never feel the expectation to speak wondrous words, yet simply feel the peace of being near one another. That’s not to say we don’t talk about everything; we do, but there’s not the insistence to be all the things for the other. We simply are those things. Had I given up on that type of friendship, I would never have found my other half.

And that is truly what we are. I fell asleep last night telling Ben that he was the other part of me. He was my gift from God. I had never felt the way I do about him for another human being. We are one in everything, built together in Christ, and loving one another in this perfect way I never knew existed until we came to be.

I told Ben that I don’t take our relationship for granted. I know it’s this amazing thing, something not all marriages experience, sadly, and I thank God for him each day. Every day with him gets better. When my world feels like it’s falling apart, he holds me close, reminding my heart what it already knows. God is with me. He understands my mood swings, as I understand his too. He expects nothing from me but my love, but he always appreciates the way I show that love in the natural. As I do with him.

He’s selfless. He cares for me in ways that are inconvenient for him, I’m sure, yet he enjoys the sacrifice. As I do with him. He doesn’t expect me to be the woman he would dream of me to be, but through his unconditional love I become the woman he could never fathom me to be. And vice versa. We expect flaws, and we forgive each other their faults, while also celebrating their strengths. He is my biggest supporter, and I’m his personal cheerleader.

Today we celebrate 13 years of marriage. Words can never express how happy I am to be his wife, and again, vice versa. He tells me so. Wink, wink. I don’t understand how each day together gets better, and I can’t explain how my heart so full of love for him continues to fill with more, but it does. I told him last night, 100 years of marriage wouldn’t be enough. He is my person, my best friend, my anchor in unsteady seas, and the very best part of me. I loved him then, I love him now, and I will love him forever. I am so thankful for us. I pray my children will know the true love of Jesus through our covenant we share as husband and wife, and most importantly, seeing Christ at the center of us.

Happy Anniversary, to my best friend, my lover, and the other piece of me.

One year ago I bought a house in SW Florida. My dream home, in fact. It has this tropical oasis in the backyard I have desired since childhood. Funny how things change.

I recently told a friend, “God doesn’t take you from A to E. He takes you to B, first.”

She had said I was brave. Ha! The furthest from it I’d say. I’m just good at taking baby steps.

I have always been an anxious woman. Because of my fear of the unknown and the uncontrollable, I sought a life of order. I can remember when debit cards first became a normal thing to use instead of cash or check. I know it drove my ex crazy, but I would make him save every single receipt. I would sit down once a week with the stack and input them into my checkbook ledger. Even with the invention of online banking, and even when they got better at immediately posting a purchase, still I meticulously kept my budget. I saved the paper bills (hesitant to go for paperless billing), wrote the date paid on the outside of the envelope, and filed it away in order. I’m not saying balancing your budget is a bad thing. I am saying my detailed way of doing it is just one example of taking areas of my life and sculpting them into order and precision. It made me feel better to have my ducks in a row, to have a plan, and to know the steps from point A to beyond.

There’s this drawing I’ve seen of Jesus and a little girl. It’s cartoonish and simple, even a bit too much prosperity-gospel-like for my taste, but it points to a great truth. In the depiction, Jesus is holding out his hand for the girl to give him her teddy bear. She’s not wanting to do it, but he’s saying “trust me.” Behind his back you can see he’s holding a much bigger teddy bear in exchange for the small one.

Trust me.

The picture is all well and good, but in real life we can’t see the bigger teddy bear behind his back (in the future). Instead it requires trusting that what God has is better than we can imagine for ourselves. It’s about knowing God’s character and that he is good. Going step by step with Jesus is a lot like the teddy bear picture, but our finite minds cannot see what lays ahead. Step one may be releasing that thing we hold dear, like comfort, security, order, and control for me.

Five years ago my family left our hometown, family and friends, our house, our jobs, and most importantly, our comfort zone. If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know this story. If not, let me give you an example of travel nurse life. A real scenario that happened to me.

I had two shifts left in my current contract, then my job would end. I had no idea where I was going to work next. I had no idea where I would take my family to live. As the sole breadwinner for our family of five, I had no idea if I would have income coming in after this last paycheck. Yet, I was cool as a cucumber. Err, for the most part, anyway. Lol.

I learned how to lay down control. I learned how to surrender my fear, my future, my family, and my finances to God. I saw in real time that handing him the bear made my hands empty to receive what he wanted to place there. I would not trade these past five years for anything; they transformed my relationship with Jesus.

I share this journey in humility. There’s no pride because I’m not boasting in me; I’m boasting in Him. His peace.

The thing is, real life isn’t as two dimensional as the cartoon of Jesus and the bear from above. You can take the first step of handing over your “teddy,” and then you find yourself plummeting downward into calamity. Wait a minute? What happened to my bigger prize?!

You see, God doesn’t promise an easy journey from A to E, but we know by his character (as portrayed in scripture) that it will eventually work for our good. The next step may be bumpy, but in my experience, your perception changes. The downs don’t seem as detrimental when you’re standing on The Rock. Again, my experience.

It occurred to me this morning that the entire Biblical story is a step by step (not the song by NKOTB, btw). When you read the Bible you must read it as the entire story. So, when you’re in the Old Testament reading how God destroyed a group of bad dudes, you have to look at it in context of “the rest of the story,” as Paul Harvey would say. Understand that God has to take his people from A (the fall) to E (the second coming) without leaving out the B, C, and D. Humans have free will, and he couldn’t bring us back to relationship with him without the in-between. Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery, so the Israelites could be saved. But then they end up slaves to the Egyptians. So, along comes Moses to free them. But then they gotta wander in the desert a few decades. See where I’m going here? Step by step. One leads to the next, and sure, some crap comes along the way, but so does amazing blessing. Then Jesus comes in and changes everything! The curse is broken! We’re on the last leg of the race. If the entire Biblical story is a step by step journey of God getting us back to him, doesn’t it only seem logical that it’s our job to keep stepping on this last lap?

The key is simply taking a step when he leads you to.

A year and a half ago, God told me to go to Fort Myers. I didn’t want to go, but I have found blessing here, and I’d like to think he has used me for his kingdom purposes. Because I haven’t mentioned this yet, but it’s not just all about me. Lol.

Now, God is calling us to another step. Away from the home we thought would be our last. Away from Florida. A place I absolutely love! He has placed dreams in our hearts that are different from anything we could have imagined on our own. We have asked for open doors and closed doors, and now we’re taking our next step. Maybe we never stop taking another step until Jesus returns.

So, what’s next for the Gowen’s? For now, we are headed to Virginia. It is for lovers, after all. 😆 What’s after that? I don’t know the details, for sure. We’re just taking it one step at a time.

I will be completely transparent with this next statement. I have experienced a lot of hurt over the past couple of years. Not within my safe, inner circle, but beyond. I have been sharing my life via this blog and social media for about a decade. Due to the hurt I’ve experienced, I have wanted to hide my family away, to stop sharing with toxic people who don’t deserve to know what God is doing with us. I’m working on it. I know that good people still exist, and I know things I share may help someone out there.

So, welcome to my inner sanctum. You have no clue I started travel nursing again, or that I’ve been on a contract away from home for three months. I’ve kept my life close to the vest, but I treasure many of you out there, and it’s not fair for me to pull away from you based on the actions of others. Plus, I didn’t want to share a picture of mountains on Instagram and you be like, “do what?!” Ha.

I’ll share of photo here of the driveway to a house we’ll be renting, complete with five acres to let that new Labrador run around. There will be more to come. Just allow me the time to put it out there as my heart feels ready. One step at a time. Right?

Thank you, friends.

One year ago I bought a house in SW Florida. My dream home, in fact. It has this tropical oasis in the backyard I have desired since childhood. Funny how things change.

I recently told a friend, “God doesn’t take you from A to E. He takes you to B, first.”

She had said I was brave. Ha! The furthest from it I’d say. I’m just good at taking baby steps.

I have always been an anxious woman. Because of my fear of the unknown and the uncontrollable, I sought a life of order. I can remember when debit cards first became a normal thing to use instead of cash or check. I know it drove my ex crazy, but I would make him save every single receipt. I would sit down once a week with the stack and input them into my checkbook ledger. Even with the invention of online banking, and even when they got better at immediately posting a purchase, still I meticulously kept my budget. I saved the paper bills (hesitant to go for paperless billing), wrote the date paid on the outside of the envelope, and filed it away in order. I’m not saying balancing your budget is a bad thing. I am saying my detailed way of doing it is just one example of taking areas of my life and sculpting them into order and precision. It made me feel better to have my ducks in a row, to have a plan, and to know the steps from point A to beyond.

There’s this drawing I’ve seen of Jesus and a little girl. It’s cartoonish and simple, even a bit too much prosperity-gospel-like for my taste, but it points to a great truth. In the depiction, Jesus is holding out his hand for the girl to give him her teddy bear. She’s not wanting to do it, but he’s saying “trust me.” Behind his back you can see he’s holding a much bigger teddy bear in exchange for the small one.

Trust me.

The picture is all well and good, but in real life we can’t see the bigger teddy bear behind his back (in the future). Instead it requires trusting that what God has is better than we can imagine for ourselves. It’s about knowing God’s character and that he is good. Going step by step with Jesus is a lot like the teddy bear picture, but our finite minds cannot see what lays ahead. Step one may be releasing that thing we hold dear, like comfort, security, order, and control for me.

Five years ago my family left our hometown, family and friends, our house, our jobs, and most importantly, our comfort zone. If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know this story. If not, let me give you an example of travel nurse life. A real scenario that happened to me.

I had two shifts left in my current contract, then my job would end. I had no idea where I was going to work next. I had no idea where I would take my family to live. As the sole breadwinner for our family of five, I had no idea if I would have income coming in after this last paycheck. Yet, I was cool as a cucumber. Err, for the most part, anyway. Lol.

I learned how to lay down control. I learned how to surrender my fear, my future, my family, and my finances to God. I saw in real time that handing him the bear made my hands empty to receive what he wanted to place there. I would not trade these past five years for anything; they transformed my relationship with Jesus.

I share this journey in humility. There’s no pride because I’m not boasting in me; I’m boasting in Him. His peace.

The thing is, real life isn’t as two dimensional as the cartoon of Jesus and the bear from above. You can take the first step of handing over your “teddy,” and then you find yourself plummeting downward into calamity. Wait a minute? What happened to my bigger prize?!

You see, God doesn’t promise an easy journey from A to E, but we know by his character (as portrayed in scripture) that it will eventually work for our good. The next step may be bumpy, but in my experience, your perception changes. The downs don’t seem as detrimental when you’re standing on The Rock. Again, my experience.

It occurred to me this morning that the entire Biblical story is a step by step (not the song by NKOTB, btw). When you read the Bible you must read it as the entire story. So, when you’re in the Old Testament reading how God destroyed a group of bad dudes, you have to look at it in context of “the rest of the story,” as Paul Harvey would say. Understand that God has to take his people from A (the fall) to E (the second coming) without leaving out the B, C, and D. Humans have free will, and he couldn’t bring us back to relationship with him without the in-between. Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery, so the Israelites could be saved. But then they end up slaves to the Egyptians. So, along comes Moses to free them. But then they gotta wander in the desert a few decades. See where I’m going here? Step by step. One leads to the next, and sure, some crap comes along the way, but so does amazing blessing. Then Jesus comes in and changes everything! The curse is broken! We’re on the last leg of the race. If the entire Biblical story is a step by step journey of God getting us back to him, doesn’t it only seem logical that it’s our job to keep stepping on this last lap?

The key is simply taking a step when he leads you to.

A year and a half ago, God told me to go to Fort Myers. I didn’t want to go, but I have found blessing here, and I’d like to think he has used me for his kingdom purposes. Because I haven’t mentioned this yet, but it’s not just all about me. Lol.

Now, God is calling us to another step. Away from the home we thought would be our last. Away from Florida. A place I absolutely love! He has placed dreams in our hearts that are different from anything we could have imagined on our own. We have asked for open doors and closed doors, and now we’re taking our next step. Maybe we never stop taking another step until Jesus returns.

So, what’s next for the Gowen’s? For now, we are headed to Virginia. It is for lovers, after all. 😆 What’s after that? I don’t know the details, for sure. We’re just taking it one step at a time.

I will be completely transparent with this next statement. I have experienced a lot of hurt over the past couple of years. Not within my safe, inner circle, but beyond. I have been sharing my life via this blog and social media for about a decade. Due to the hurt I’ve experienced, I have wanted to hide my family away, to stop sharing with toxic people who don’t deserve to know what God is doing with us. I’m working on it. I know that good people still exist, and I know things I share may help someone out there.

So, welcome to my inner sanctum. You have no clue I started travel nursing again, or that I’ve been on a contract away from home for three months. I’ve kept my life close to the vest, but I treasure many of you out there, and it’s not fair for me to pull away from you based on the actions of others. Plus, I didn’t want to share a picture of mountains on Instagram and you be like, “do what?!” Ha.

I’ll share of photo here of the driveway to a house we’ll be renting, complete with five acres to let that new Labrador run around. There will be more to come. Just allow me the time to put it out there as my heart feels ready. One step at a time. Right?

Thank you, friends.

It struck me that a number of you don’t follow me on social media, but only through my blog. I thought as much as you know my family via my musings, you might be interested to join us in a cool new journey for my oldest child. I’ll share the message I’ve sent to friends and family, and at the end is a link with more information.

You may have already heard, but I am composing this message for the family and friends I thought would be interested in sharing with Chloe and our family in the adventure of a lifetime. So bear me with please.

Chloe has been interested in acting since the age of six. As you can imagine, our traveling lifestyle didn’t accommodate such a thing as pursuing an acting career, but since we settled in SW FL she began to ask about acting classes. I came across an ad for a school and I felt in my spirit it was right. She’s been enrolled in their school since November learning modeling, poise, and screen delivery. Her confidence level has soared!

Recently they offered Chloe the chance to audition for an amazing opportunity. This summer there’s a huge Talent Scouting event in Orlando. Hundreds of scouts from agencies around the globe will be in attendance. Chloe was chosen for a select VIP group of children with potential to be up and coming performers in the industry to attend this event. The talent scout in her audition said she had the perfect look for TV. They loved her hair, unique smile, and bubbly confidence. They were amazed that an eleven year old is editing videos for her channel on YouTube. Lol.

Y’all, this is a big deal. 86 children, ages 8-18 auditioned along with Chloe, and she was one of 15 children chosen to meet and audition for these agents from NYC to L.A. to Milan! She is over the moon! And we consider this an open door for a normally tight business to squeeze into.

As you can imagine, as parents we have put a lot of thought and prayer into this even before she began classes. Her virtue, innocence, and sweet spirit are our responsibility. We have felt the peace of the Lord throughout. I feel He is in this, and He will use it for the glory of His Kingdom. And if at anytime I feel different, I will drop it like it’s hot. Lol. We continue in constant prayer, seeking His guidance. Just this morning Jesus and I had a long talk about it. I just want to assure you of our diligence in keeping Chloe kingdom focused as she transverses this world. You would be so proud of her. She is so discerning of His will and His path for her.

I’m sorry this is getting long. I just want to address the important things.

So, next… Can this Talent Agency be trusted? We’ve all heard of scams, right? Short answer… YES! Chloe’s agency has been in business since 1939! It has an A+ rating with the BBB. I have done my research. I have read some negative reviews, and I’ve seen many positive ones as well. The Talent Scouting event is entering its 12th year, and it has produced many success stories. Ryan Phillippe, Guiliana Ransic, and David Archuleta, to name a few.

At the week-long event this summer Chloe will compete with children from other talent agencies for not only callbacks with agents, but also tons of scholarships. There will be some cool seminars and classes also to help her grow in her craft.

So why am I reaching out to you all? I wanted to offer you the opportunity to support Chloe in this adventure. We’ve been paying her school tuition, but as costs come for things like headshots and coaching for her upcoming scouting event, I decided to see if our pool of family and friends would like to help sponsor her climb to her dream. The event this summer comes with registration & competition fees, plus logistic costs like lodging in Orlando.

I felt kinda silly when it entered my mind to construct a fundraiser. I mean, shouldn’t these kind of things be reserved for medical bills or mission work?! But then it occurred to me how many people love our girl. I considered how much family and friend support we’ve always been blessed with, and how this could give people the chance, if they were so inclined, to be a part of something really special and important to Chloe.

There’s no obligation if I’m sending this message to you! We’ll take your prayers for sure! But if you’d also like to help fund Chloe’s journey, Mom and Dad here would love the support!

No amount is too big OR too small!! Every bit helps to pave the way. Thank you in advance.

You can donate at this link:

http://spot.fund/fp48Rm

I didn’t plan to revisit this topic. Sometimes discussing political matters feels like beating a dead horse, but I’m discovering that while some situations appear to be political, or perhaps are manipulated by politics, they are in essence a quality of life issue, a matter of relationship, and a practice of love. With that in mind, how can I not discuss a topic that brings so many questions. In fact, I’ve had so many people reach out to me concerning Black Lives Matter (BLM), that I feel it necessary to answer those questions. I just recently had a very kind email sincerely asking how I (a white, middle-aged, Christian woman) respond to BLM and still uphold my values and moral obligations. So, allow me to explain.

Do you recall how in scripture that when Jesus came He turned the religious world upside-down? Like, the Jewish, religious leaders had an absolute fit with His behavior. They couldn’t understand how a man who claimed to love God could hang out with sinners, tax collectors, or prostitutes. They couldn’t accept these teachings about eating flesh or drinking blood. Sure, He had His twelve (albeit, one would betray Him), but a large number of disciples/followers shrank back at the difficulty of His teachings. He brought this new covenant that people couldn’t quite understand, but when they did, it changed their life. Do you remember the Samaritan woman?

First, Samaritans didn’t interact with Jews. Jewish people considered themselves of a higher station than the Samaritans, but Jesus came to breakdown stereotypes and worldly systems. Second, let’s not forget this woman at the well was a big-time sinner. She not only had broken the code by being unlawfully divorced, but she was living out of wedlock with one man while still married to another. Dude! Why in the world would a man preaching salvation and forgiveness of sin decide to reveal Himself as the son of God to someone with five husbands?!

One thing I’ve discovered in my walk with the Lord is that we as humans get sidetracked a lot. We build our churches on a foundation other than the Cornerstone. What I mean by that is we have a tendency to place a lot of importance on the religious laws, and not so much on Jesus. He came to show us a new way, but over the course of 2,000 years or so, we have fallen back into old habits. Do you remember when the Holy Spirit spoke to Peter in a dream in Acts and told him not to make unclean what God had made clean? He was alluding to the Jewish law about forbidden meats, but this dream spoke to people rather than meat. It was an acceptance of Gentiles into the faith, but it also speaks to the New Covenant that brings us all grace through forgiveness of sin. It’s not to say that the law isn’t important (we need both), but to understand the law isn’t all there is. There is mercy, grace, and love. There is Jesus. And remember, He was known for shaking things up.

In the church today, much like the church of then, we assign much value to our laws. The Bible still stands as an instruction manual for Holy living, but as task-oriented humans, we can place too much of our focus on building the faith via the rules, and less focus on building the faith through the love of Christ. We bring people to salvation through fear of damnation, and less through the light of His love, which in turn will bring truth. In other words, we focus on “this is right, that is wrong, and that’s the bottom line.”

Here’s the problem Conservative Christianity sees with BLM. They see a website, a political organization, or a moral code. They see paragraphs that support non-Biblical values on a political website founded by another human with differing values. What they don’t see is the hurting hearts of their brothers and sisters of color. They don’t see the Samaritan woman at the well who needs living water, this hurting woman who wants to worship, but is held back by Jewish practices. Instead they see an adulterous, divorcee, who is living a life of sin openly and doesn’t even care! How dare she!

The thing is, the Samaritan woman isn’t even a prime example for this moment in our personal history. My friends of color have made no poor decisions that have left them marginalized. They were simply born into a station in life where many consider them unworthy of being equal (like the Samaritans). That isn’t right, and it isn’t something Jesus would support. His way was considered radical for the time, and I suppose that today when people choose to love like He showed us it is also too radical for the church.

I could come up with scripture all day showing why loving your neighbor as yourself is the way of Jesus, but religious opposers would come back with just as much scripture pointing to laws and sin that somehow couldn’t support the equal treatment of the black lives of fellow human beings. At the end of the day, for me, it’s not about a political organization, it’s about human life. It’s not about the moral values of a few people who created an organizational statement, but about the hundreds of black friends I speak with personally who are treated unjustly and left heartbroken and fearful. It’s about the people at my table, not the religious practices held above that.

For me, it comes down to those clothe bracelets people wore when I was in school that said W.W.J.D. (What Would Jesus Do). Daily I read the words of Jesus, and when I read those words and pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit, I am led to love my brothers and sisters. I am led to lead in love and allow His truth to shine the brightest through that. God knows my heart; so who exactly is it I fear misunderstanding my Christian values when I support BLM? Is it the lost? No, I don’t think so. They’re lost. It actually probably pushes them from Christianity if I don’t stand for injustice. Is it fellow believers who I worry will think I’ve given up the commandments of my God? But they don’t hold the key to my salvation. Also, don’t forget that everything you read isn’t true. In the end, the question really becomes, do I invite the tax collector to dinner? Do I walk out of my way to end up at the well the exact same time as an adulterous woman? Do I step outside of religious obligation to show love and invite the hurting to the table of my Lord who heals?

I have discovered that a lot of people will disagree with me, and that’s ok. I promise, there’s no need to send anymore angry emails. I’ve gotten the point. But because I have loving hearts who have asked, this is my answer. How do you stand by your Christian values while supporting the hurting (black lives)? You do it just like Jesus did. It’s no secret when you read the Gospels that Jesus held the lives of people above the book of the law. For Him, leading people to His Father was the goal, not ensuring they came to the table dirt-free. He let the Father take care of that. He did not allow the religious practices to keep Him from showing another that they were precious and worthwhile to the Father. He just didn’t.

I won’t claim I’m right and others are wrong. I can only speak for my heart, and I can only share what the Lord has spoke to my heart. I can only tell you to do what I have done. Study the Word, pray, and seek Spirit and truth on this matter. My words (or those from another blogger) shouldn’t determine your position. The opinion of your friends, the news, or your political beliefs shouldn’t drive your behavior towards others. In the end, you stand at the well, and you decide if you can give someone a drink who is thirsty. If all lives matter, then all lives matter. Despite politics, despite sin, despite agenda, despite moral obligation, and despite religion. Stop allowing BLM to be about politics for you. That’s what the media and the world would try and convince you it’s all about. Why can’t it just be about the love the statement (black lives matter) implies? If all lives matter, then why can’t black lives matter too?

Every morning as I drive to work in the dark I pray. After praying for my day, my children, and my spouse, I usually allow the Holy Spirit to lead the rest of my prayers. Sometimes I pray for a specific friend or family member, and sometimes I pray for the world in general. This morning, though, I prayed for the unseen.

For some time now I have felt unrest under the surface. Starting back in March I could feel it, this unknown yet enormous conflict. The Lord began to speak to me about the battle that rages here on earth, and though we’ve seen a lot of arguments lately, that’s not the fighting I refer to. No. The battle I mention is waged in another world, a realm beyond what human eyes can normally see, although you might feel it on a spiritual level. And it will certainly affect you on a physical one.

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Demons and demonic influence are not just the stuff of Hollywood and horror movies, and while it makes for good entertainment, I suppose, it’s the furthest thing from fiction. The powers of good and evil are in an epic battle, and although we cannot see it, you have to admit you’ve felt the repercussions this year.

Have you felt down, depressed, and anxious? While you might want to blame it all on the physical circumstances of this year, I can assure you there’s more to it. Have you found yourself easily angered, to the point of rage, over the actions of others? It’s not just a difference in opinion. You’re experiencing spiritual warfare. For although the battle between angelic and demonic forces is occurring beyond what our human eye can perceive, that doesn’t mean we don’t suffer the after effects. Like a shock wave, the invisible, spiritual theme is being set for what is going on in a kingdom sense. While the armies position themselves for war, we find ourselves, human beings encouraged to position ourselves for battle.

The forces of evil are not just fighting angelic armies. They are also fighting mankind. But like their commander, the great deceiver, the father of lies, the prince of this world, they too are a sneaky bunch. They don’t appear in visible form to frighten you. That would be too obvious of their intent. No. They whisper to you. They tell little lies, over and over, until you believe they are true.

Never, in my lifetime, have I seen such blatant deception taking over so many. I’m sure you’ve seen it too. Things that normally would be recognized immediately as false are suddenly being given credit this season. Obvious evil is being called good, and atrocious acts are being called justified. I used to scoff at how mankind could possibly fall for the antics of the Antichrist, but this year I’ve seen it’s possible. The veil is thicker than it’s ever been, and the only explanation is a spiritual deception, an oppression so strong that it’s blinding.

Words that normally would be thought about before spoken out loud, have really been flying this year. Harsh, cruel, hateful insults thrown without care for the harm they can do. The apparent gentlest of people have erupted with almost monstrous glee. My jaw has dropped more times than I can count from the heinous comments I’ve seen fly over social media. Love has been suppressed in favor of rage. Understanding has been vanquished. Empathy eroded. Anger stoked. Conspiracy bred in abundance. Jesus weeps, and the devil cackles with laughter.

I have spent a lot of time this year in scripture, in prayer, and in quiet, listening to the Holy Spirit. I believe that God is doing something very big. I think Kingdom impact is happening, the harvest is near, and because of that Satan is also in overtime to try and turn it around before the final act. A war for mankind goes on behind the scenes, this year more than any other, I think, and that is why we are seeing such waves in the physical realm. It’s not just by chance this year has been so horrible, that tempers have been so short, that violence has been so widespread, that deception has been so thick, but also that eyes have been opened like never before, or that justice has begun to get a grip in this world. Change is on the horizon. Now is the time for the church to take action.

The Lord is calling all believers to pray without ceasing. Christian soldiers are being called to the frontlines of a battle you cannot yet see. I don’t care whether you are crying out for the unborn or marching in protest of racial injustice, God is calling us all to fight the good fight. Whether you’re #blm, backing the blue, or screaming all lives matter, you are called to intercede for the Kingdom. It seems that on many issues the church is divided within the physical realm, but the time has come for us to unite in the spiritual realm.

The fact is, as believers, we may be temporary citizens in this world, but we are not of it. By the blood of Jesus we’ve risen above this temporal world, and until we are completely relocated to the new earth, we would do good to remember our heritage. We don’t serve the prince of this world. We serve the King of all Kings. Our King is calling us to bear arms, but He is calling us to fight the real enemy rather than one another. He is calling us to hit our knees, to take the stance of faithful intercession, and to pray for our world. Not just our country, and not just one group of people. I don’t care whether you’re Republican or left-leaning, the Lord is calling all believers to a time of prayer. He wants us to stand, but before we stand for a particular platform or agenda, He wants us to stand for His Kingdom, which is so much greater than the physical problems we see manifesting in this world.

So, please don’t misunderstand. Continue to fight for justice for all, but love your enemy. Continue to stand up for freedom and religious rights, but not by standing on the back of anyone who disagrees with you. Speak out for truth, but not by believing the enemy’s lies to do it. Seek Him first, and He will lead you towards the rest. Now, more than ever, we must fight the real enemy, and we must unite in this common goal. We must commit to prayer for the battles we cannot see that are creating the battles we do. This is the calling of all Christian soldiers. Please join me, as we link spiritual arms, and support the real cause for Christ.

I’m aware that for some of you this will sound very strange, and that’s ok. But I’ve always been transparent, so I know no other way to share this account than how it happened. Since it’s making such a large impact on our lives, I wanted to share. Perhaps it will impact you too.

Around the first week of August I traveled to the Fort Meyers area to visit with my aunt for my birthday. We got a hotel along the beach, but the best part of the trip was definitely the company. I wasn’t that impressed with the beach there. It was probably my least favorite of all I’ve visited, and the hotel was nothing like I imagined. I could hardly take the girls to the pool due to the large crowd of adults (doing adult things, lol) there. I promise there’s a point to my descriptions of the area. Just know, it wasn’t going down as my best mini vacay ever.

Anyway, the last night there I felt a very real uneasiness, off kilter, like something was missing. I grabbed my Bible, because that’s what I do when I feel that way, but before I could get into scripture I felt the Lord tell me to go outside where it was quiet, so I could hear Him better. The girls were awake and running around in the hotel room, so the request made perfect sense. I went to the quiet balcony and took a seat.

“I’m here,” I prayed. “What now?”

I felt the Lord say, “I need you to move here.”

“I can certainly think of better beach towns to relocate to,” I joked.

He repeated, “I need you to move here.”

“When?” I asked.

“Soon.”

I continued in prayer with the Lord, and I felt that September would be the when. I felt on one hand that the Lord wanted to move my family for our protection. For some time I have had the impression that this fall will not be a good time in our country. COVID, elections, civil unrest. I’m not afraid, but I do feel like a portion of this move will be a safety thing for us. Above that, I feel it is God positioning us for His kingdom purposes. I’ve posted on social media before a vision of red push pins on a map, strings joining the pins across the globe. I believe something monumental is going on in this world, but also in the spiritual realm. The Lord is positioning His saints for His purposes. As I prayed, I heard the words “racial reconciliation,” and I pictured a black man I had seen on the street the day prior, how his eyes had glanced towards me untrustingly, and how at that time my heart had wanted to cry, “I love you, brother.” This is the first time I’ve put down that part of all this.

I have stepped out with this word, and I believe the time has come that the Lord will start opening doors and paving the way for this move. I now feel the release to share this with coworkers, friends, and family, beyond the small circle I’ve already told. God is doing something, y’all. In this world, but also in the hearts of each person. If we are open to His Spirit, He will do amazing things. Our life the past few years has been about following the Lord’s plan for us. We consider each day of our lives a ministry. My husband is so supportive and together we are in agreement for God’s plans to direct our steps. The past eight months of stability, with a permanent job (with all its perks) has been nice, but that’s just not what God has for us right now. I’m not sure if it ever will be.

This morning, when I felt the release to speak this openly, I also felt that God is about to move big time in our lives, but God works in our hearts to the degree we are willing to allow Him access. With that in mind, I realize there is a lot of distraction in this world. I shared recently the attacks we have been under since the Lord spoke this next step, and I understand now is a time where I must focus on His truth. Each day is a ministry opportunity, but we have to be listening. With that in mind, I will be disabling Facebook and Twitter. The noise is too great. This was a difficult decision for me because I love sharing what God is doing with y’all, and I know social media is a big part of that. I have weighed the pros and cons. Maybe I’ll be back one day, but for now I cut off distraction so I will have ears to hear God in this season.

I will continue to update the blog on our lives and what God is doing, but I will not be able to share it to Facebook. As always, you can find me at briegowen.com. You can join the (email) mailing list at the bottom of each post. You can even share to social media yourself with the share buttons provided at the bottom of a post, but if you just look on Facebook, you won’t find me. If you need to contact me, my Facebook messenger will still be active even though my Facebook newsfeed and page is disabled. I will keep FB and Twitter open for the next 24 hours, just so friends can see this post, but then I’ll be absent from the noise. I think social media is awesome, and I’m going to miss a lot of it. But there’s a lot I won’t miss. I don’t think we’re meant to see some of the inner ugliness that’s been apparent lately. It’s heartbreaking, and my spirit can hardly take it. Beyond that, it brews things in me that I know aren’t always of God. Three years ago we opted for a simple life. The exit of social media will make it even more so. I am saddened for the great many, Facebook friends I’ve discovered, especially over the last year. Please, y’all, keep in touch via Messenger. I don’t want to lose the sweet spirits God has placed in my life.

With joyous anticipation I look forward to the things God has planned, and I look forward with continuing to share that with you all, via my website. Thank you for following along on my journey.

P.S. If you still want to see photos of my adorable children and our adventures, I’ll still post pictures to my Instagram account, which is the same name as my website. ☺️

My daughter is at a friend’s house. Well, actually, it’s another RV, and she’s just playing in her friend’s lot/yard. It’s only maybe half a mile away, a simple bike ride, perhaps even within whistling distance if I could make one of those super loud whistles through my lips and tongue like my mother could do. So, she was close, but that didn’t make it any easier. It just didn’t.

Yesterday evening she had asked me if she could ride her bike to her best buddy’s house.

“I could tell when we video chatted that she was scared for me,” my daughter had said. “I want to make sure she can see that I’m ok.”

She was ok, but had literally been discharged from the hospital a couple of hours prior, so at her request yesterday, I had answered, “you’re so tired, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Seeing her disappointment I had added, “but me or your dad can drive you there.”

And that’s what we had done. We had driven her the little more than a football field distance to see her friend. This morning, she had slept in later than me, and as I sat in the living room I found myself wanting to go check on her in the bed. She had an acute seizure less than 48 hours prior, and I had not stopped replaying the scene in my head. I saw her eyes rolled back, and it brought tears to my own eyes, the memory was so fresh. It hurt just to recall the event I could not control, and my husband said as much.

“I keep seeing it in my head,” he commented from the other end of the couch. “I think the worst part was just watching it happen, because really there was nothing we could do to make the seizure stop. We just had to wait for it to end.”

I wanted to go check on her then, and even as I realized the irrationality of the desire, it made me feel better to look at her still, sleeping face, to kiss her forehead. My worried mind had wondered, what if she has another seizure, and you’re not there to help her? Somehow placing my eyes on her helped, but I also knew I couldn’t always have her in my sight.

We had allowed her to have her friend over this afternoon, but when the little girl needed to go back home, Chloe had asked to go with her. I heard Ben say he’d drive her there, but when he appeared in our bedroom a minute later I realized he had not.

“Did she ride her bike there?” I asked.

He replied, “yeah, I told her to come back in 40 minutes. I’ve got to just let it go.”

I nodded understanding. We had already began the discussion in the bathroom earlier. After I had been praying in the shower, I had asked him, “are you finding yourself worried about her?”

The nurse discharging us had told my daughter, “Wanna know the best part? Your life doesn’t have to change. You can do everything you’ve always done; you’ll just have to take a pill twice a day.”

I knew he had said it for her, but I also think it was a bit for me. Regardless, knowing and doing were two different things. I didn’t want her to feel different or handicapped. I remember how bad it felt for me as a little girl to be treated like the “weird, sick kid.” I remember teachers saying I shouldn’t be allowed in the computer lab with the other students because the screen might induce a seizure. I remember not being allowed to ride the three wheeler with my cousins because of the worry of me hitting my head. I remember the way kids treated me different. I even remember some family members questioning my mom for allowing me to get my driver’s license. It was not cool. I didn’t want her to feel like epilepsy made her abnormal. Just because her brain waves were.

I didn’t want to treat my baby like she was made of glass, but I also realized this was still new. It was a fresh insult to my senses, and I cut myself some slack for that. As with anytime I find myself in turmoil or worry, I had sought the Lord’s voice in the midst of my concern.

He reminded me of my own childhood. I had only had one seizure in my twelve year diagnosis of epilepsy. That’s unheard of! My first seizure had been my last, and even though I stayed on medication until I was twenty, I never had a seizure after third grade.

As I thought of this I felt the Lord say, “you see, I was with you then. Always. Even though you didn’t realize it.”

At the time of my diagnosis I did not know the Lord. I had not gone to church, and I had even initially been raised in an atheist home. I didn’t understand things like prayer and healing, or even calling out to Jesus for help. And even when we began attending a church on Sunday as I went through elementary school, it never occurred to me or was suggested to me to pray about my diagnosis. It was just something I lived with.

Last night my daughter had said, “I hope I don’t have to take medicine until I’m twenty like you did. Why did God wait so long to heal you?”

Even though the answer was easy, it surprised me when I had said, “I never thought to ask Him to. It wasn’t until I was twenty that people prayed for me about it.”

As I stood in the shower talking to My Father, and He reminded me of His presence through my time with epilepsy, I realized the gift of His love. I had not known Him and I didn’t pray to Him, but He knew me. He loved me even when I didn’t know He cared, and He had poured out His favor and mercy on me even then. He was the reason I had only one seizure. He was the reason my illness was not worse. He had always wanted to heal me, but He had to wait until the right time.

“I had to wait until you would know it was me.”

As I listened to the Spirit of the Lord I realized He loves Chloe, my firstborn, even more than I love her. He didn’t want to see her in pain or sickness. It hurt His heart too when she convulsed on my lap, but just like me, He was also with her. He would take care of her. I was reminded of how He cared for me, even when I didn’t know Him, and I thought, how much more will He pour out His favor on my daughter who cries out to Him in faith! On my daughter who we all intercede for!

Then I pictured myself at the feet of Jesus, at His thrown. I laid down my worry, my anxiety, and my child. I surrendered my girl to Him. I trusted that the One who loved her even more than I did, that He would do what was best for her life. I released her. I let go of what I loved. In return, I took the gift of His peace and comfort.

The fact is, I can’t always be with my child. I don’t know if she might have further seizures. I can’t control the future of her illness any more than I could control her seizing body days prior. But I can trust the God who has all control. So that’s where I am with this right now.

Before I even got halfway through this post my daughter returned from her friend’s house. She was all smiles and no worries. She sat on the bed with me as I wrote, telling story after story of her latest slime she had made, and I realized some things didn’t change. Her epilepsy had not changed the joyful nature she exuded, and the Father who had held me as a sick child was the same Father who now held her. And that gave me peace.