I was recently walking through the store with my husband and we walked past the colorful display racks of this season’s newest swimsuits. Right along the front ran rows of bright bikinis. An itsy-bitsy polka-dot top screamed out to me. I pointed towards it and asked my husband, “What would you think of me getting that?” He answered pretty quickly, and honestly as men are prone to do, “Umm… I don’t think so. I don’t think that would fit you.”
I didn’t take offense as you may think. It was indeed very tiny. I jokingly agreed with him, “Yeah, I don’t think that top would contain my Mommy bosom.” We continued on towards the lightbulb aisle and then on to air filters, gathering needed household items and leaving the racks of scant material behind.
I almost forgot about the polka-dot number in my search for energy efficient lighting. But as we made our way back across the store towards the registers we passed the summer swimwear section again. As we walked by with our cart of kids and housewares I took note of the bathing suit selection.
Once again I saw the tiny, green polka-dot bikini. It was so small! But as I looked across the storefront at the racks upon racks of bikinis I realized they were all itty bitty. I couldn’t picture myself in a single one of them. I tried, believe me. But all I could picture was myself spilling out of the fabric. Much like anyone wearing the suit would.
It wasn’t a matter of poor self-esteem. Sure that’s always there. It always has been. But it was more than that causing me to pause about the whole bikini issue.
I recently lost the pregnancy weight and found myself seeing numbers on the scale that I hadn’t seen in years. I mean years. I had gotten down to a weight I hadn’t seen since well before my first child. It felt good. I secretly patted myself on the back for hanging on to my favorite jeans from my twenties.
As warmer weather approached I thought about being able to wear shorts that had been hidden at the bottom of my drawer for years. As I excitedly tried on clothes I realized I had gotten rid of my old swim wear. All that was left were my one piece post-pregnancy suits in larger sizes than I currently needed. I began to think about buying a new suit. I began to think about getting back into a bikini! How exciting and rewarding after a weight loss challenge achieved.
But something unexpected happened. The more I thought about a new bikini the more I didn’t like it.
It was true that my body wasn’t what it used to be. Even with daily crunches it probably would never see what it used to be. And surprisingly I was okay with that. Yes, it bothered me a little, but nothing like I thought it would. Something about abounding happiness in life, getting older, prioritizing; it seems to put things in a different perspective. You stop sweating a little pooch and your thighs rubbing together. There’s too much to do to worry about cellulite.
And it wasn’t just my problems with this Spring’s selection of swimwear. Yes, that was a problem. Everywhere I looked it seemed like the suits were tinier than I remembered. The fabric had shrunk and parts of my body had not. I would venture to say that even with the weight loss some parts of me had remained bigger than they used to be. Or at least in different places. TMI.
Despite my body changes and the shrinkage of fabric over the years, it was more than that. I just didn’t know if a bikini was for me. It used to be, but I wasn’t sure if it was anymore.
I found myself asking “Do I want to show that much skin?” I started to wonder if that was how I wanted to represent myself. Did I really want to publicly display parts of my body that were better meant for my husband’s eyes only? Was that respectful to him to place my body on display for other men to see? And besides him; what of me? Was it respectful to myself to flaunt my flesh and lower my attributes as a person to that of a mere object for others to see? What about my daughter? What was she learning if she saw me walking around on a public beach wearing dental floss and bandaids over areas I’d instructed her to keep under wraps? Let’s break these questions down.
My husband. I’ve made a commitment to give my body to him only. Isn’t it an affront to him if I display his gift for other men to see? You may say “It’s my body!” or “He’s proud of me!” And I agree with both of those things. It is my body. But when I married my husband I gave my body to him just like he gave his to me. I don’t want other women ogling my man! And deep down no self-respecting man wants other men ogling his wife. If he loves himself he doesn’t need to prove anything. He doesn’t have to prove himself in the prize of his wife. He will understand her body is his gift and it’s only respectful to her to keep its radiance in the bedroom. My husband has never told me I couldn’t wear a bikini, and I know he’s proud of how I look. I don’t feel like I need to prove that, and neither does he. I think I can show him I respect him by wearing modest swimwear when we’re in public.
Myself. I am really proud of my weight loss. I am happy with myself. I don’t think I have to wear less clothing to show that. Aside from my body being a gift for my spouse, my body is also my gift from God. He gave it to me and it’s my job to take care of it. I try to eat well and stay active to be a good steward of the body He gave me. We’re supposed to be good stewards of all the gifts He gives us. I’ve been wondering lately if dressing immodestly is the best way to take care of that gift. I don’t think it is the more I ponder it. I think it lessons that gift when I flaunt it or bring negative attention to it. After all, if I’m married and I’ve given my body to my spouse then what business do I have bringing it to the attention of other men? For what purpose would I do that? Does that not simply cheapen my gift by giving it away to all?
My child. I hate seeing little girls’ bikinis. I’ve often wondered why they make such a thing. Something about seeing a teeny bikini on my three year old just makes my stomach churn and my skin crawl. No child needs to be dressed in adult-like swimwear. That’s just my opinion. Also as my little girl gets older I wish to teach her respect for herself and her body. I don’t want her to see herself as an object for men’s pleasure. I want her to see herself as the beautiful woman, inside and out, that she is. I can’t stop her from wearing whatever she wants when she leaves my authority. I can give her an example in her youth. I can show her how to respect her body. I can show her how to respect her future spouse. I can show her these things by example.
As these thoughts swam around my head the past few weeks and I considered what type of new swimsuit I needed to buy I came across a video. It just made sense and rang true to me. It’s a speech by a MBA with her own swimsuit line. I would really encourage you to watch it on YouTube with the link I’ve provided here.
I’ve decided not to buy a bikini. That’s my decision and this post is my opinion. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong if you wear one. It doesn’t mean I’m judging you or looking down on you if you choose to wear one or put them on your daughters. Some wonderful, Godly ladies that I really love and respect wear bikinis. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’ve just decided it’s not right for me and my family. I decided to share as food for thought. Do with it as you please.
I would love to hear your opinion, good or bad. Please comment on the blog and let me know your thoughts on the subject. Do you think it’s time to rethink the bikini?
mom of daughters says
Beautifully said, thank you!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!!
Han says
In my late teens, I started wondering why I was expected to either strip down to what is essentially underwear, or wear something with zero support to swim. That’s when I googled “modest swimwear” and found a Muslim website. I found a nice purple one, like a short-ish dress with knee length leggings, that clearly wasn’t for super-conservative Muslims (no head covering attached, and it left the arms bare). That with a bikini underneath was wonderful- for once, I could swim without feeling uncomfortably close to nakedness. I’ve lost weight since then, and my husband doesn’t like me to look too different, so now I wear men’s swimming shorts and a spaghetti strap top over a bikini. Couple of ideas for you 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment! I appreciate it.
Alice says
Hi, I just had to comment on your personal dislike for bikinis on little girls. Here is my take on that: Three year old girls do not have breasts, I cannot for the life of me understand why little girls are expected to cover their chests in public in the first place. One of my very good friend’s little girl came to our pool wearing a “boys” swim suit. I didn’t bat an eye.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I see what you’re saying and I agree. My own three year old plays in our sprinkler in her panties. I’m speaking more about current fashions that use adult type designs for toddlers. Placing a string bikini on a little kid doesn’t look becoming to me. Just my opinion.