*After I read this through I thought I’d better put the disclaimer at the beginning rather than the end. Be warned. This post drips with sarcasm. If you’re unversed in that language you may not get this or find it funny. And that’s ok. Just know it’s not meant to offend anyone. It’s also not meant to make light of serious and life threatening diseases. It is meant to poke fun at all the experts who feel certain they can prevent those illnesses. Again, take this post with a dose of salt (or sugar, whichever you prefer) and laugh a little. It’s ok to laugh. Sometimes that’s the only thing we can do. So here goes.
I think I’m really blessed that I live in a medically advanced era where the tax payer’s dollars are utilized to their fullest by being invested in the study of nutrition and which foods are best for me and my family. The studies are so in-depth and conclusive that they are actually able to tell me what not to eat and feed my children if I wish them to live long, productive lives. Thankfully I’m also present in a time when technology is so advanced with its ability to spread these fantastical studies via the internet, especially the always truthful, always accurate conduit that is known as social media, that we don’t miss a thing. Via this super highway of information a plethora of studies written by people with PhD (you know, like Dr. Phil!) in their title are delivered to little ole people like myself. I can then be educated in how to successfully be a better, healthier, immortal, immune to sickness and death, me.
I’m lucky that I’m privileged enough to have access to Wifi and medically-sounds outlets such as Facebook. Since being enlightened to this abundance of knowledge I’ve become privy to profound nuggets of information such as the cancer-causing properties poured into Diet Coke. Like seriously, they put equal parts syrup, brown dye, and cancer into each can. They have an outreach community program that hires rehabilitated serial killers who are more than willing to take the work at these death factories where Diet Cancer is bottled. They also manufacture Dr Diabetes and Mountain Obesity under the same roof.
I was saddened to discover that some of my favorite foods will also briskly kill me and my family. Microwave popcorn. Hotdogs. Even Doritos. They’re all bad and very likely to give me cancer. I can only hope it’s not too late.
I could try and eat more fruits and vegetables, but these are bad also. Actually they cause cancer. Surprise. They are covered with cancer-causing pesticides. I’m still not sure who sprays these vegetables/fruits and why we haven’t told them to stop. I did read vinegar can wash away the cancer, so it might be ok, but probably not. I’m not sure if it’s worth the risk.
I know that I definitely can’t do fast food for sure. Chicken nuggets are not actually chicken, but are some gruesome mixture of unknown body parts ground into a pink gel that is infused with dyes to make them appear edible. I’m also pretty sure they fill them with cancer.
Really I should stay away from any kind of meat, not just chicken nuggets. And not just processed cancer meat. If I eat meat then I am a cruel, sadistic animal hater. This is because all slaughter houses employ monsters who kick little bitty baby piggies in the head, break sweet little cows legs for sport, suck chickens into industrial sized vacuums, and make all the animals eat meals made out of their dead buddies. They probably tell them what they’re eating too, right after they finished, just for extra cruelness. Sadistic bastards! I’m sure if I made the choice to eat meat I’d be stricken with cancer as a just punishment. Maybe after I finished my burger a man with a PETA shirt would show up with a sprayer filled with pesticide (AKA cancer) and let me have it. But more likely I’d just instantaneously develop cancer for making such a heartless choice to eat a helpless animal. That, and wearing Uggs. You know they make those by skinning lambs that are still alive, right?
Before I was enlightened via videos on social media to the unfair treatment of animals and the inherent wrongness of consuming meat I was fueled by a desire to eat better, eat healthier, somehow save myself from the multitude of diseases such as diabetes, atherosclerosis, and fibromyalgia. I sought a healthier lifestyle and had no problem finding a way to do just that. I was easily bombarded with quick, easy recipes to make that lacked all those bad ingredients that were likely to kill me. Or make me feel bloated. Or achy. Or like I was growing a third arm from my forehead.
I decided to take the Paleo challenge. This was an easy to follow lifestyle with pages upon pages of directions, guidelines, and substitutions all at my fingertips via a Google search.
I embraced this new lifestyle (not diet) as I learned all the many wonderful things I was no longer allowed to eat. A small price to pay to avoid cancer, leaky gut (good Lord!), and surely death. I was certain that death by leaky gut would be a painful one.
It was extremely easy to give up disgusting foods such as donuts, bagels, and spaghetti. After all I could substitute squash for noodles (insert cricket chirping here). Vegetables were A-ok. Well, not all vegetables. Corn was bad. Something about making leaky gut worse. Yikes. Green beans were also out, as were all beans. Beans bad. Peas, also bad. You could eat nuts, but don’t think for a minute that the only nuts you can afford at the grocery store, peanuts, are included. They are not. Peanuts are not nuts. I know, those tricky cancer-pushing, animal killers probably gave it that name. Peanuts are actually legumes. And legumes are bad. Again, something about leaky gut, which we all agree is bad.
Fruit is ok, unless you want to lose weight, then you’re screwed. Fruits have carbohydrates. These are good and bad. They’re good if you eat a little bit, but if you eat a lot they’re bad. Too many carbohydrates mean you’ll gain weight because we’re not as active as we were in the caveman days when we were running from dinosaurs and trying to build fires. Now we’re lazy, so we forgot how to burn carbohydrates. Therefore, they’re bad. When unburned they lead to obesity, which leads to diabetes, cancer, and death. I think it makes leaky gut worse too.
The worse thing in the world according to Paleo is gluten. If you’re wondering what contains gluten I will tell you. Everything good. Anything that you have always enjoyed and loved has gluten. Birthday cake. Gluten. Pizza. Gluten. Lasagna. Gluten. A 12 inch meatball sub from Subway? Gluten. You wouldn’t want that anyway. The bread is made of plastic. And cancer.
You can lead a healthy life giving up all those things you love and being gluten free. It just takes a few weeks to flush the cancer from your body is all. Then you will wonder why you ever liked disgusting things such as cookies or pastries.
To be completely Paleo, though, you must also give up dairy. Dairy is bad. Did you know milk is filled with blood and hormones, even though you can’t see it? Hormones cause cancer. Blood doesn’t silly! It’s just gross is all. If your HOA allows you to have a dairy cow in your back yard and you collect your milk from her then you may have milk. Otherwise it’s out.
Sugar is also out. It’s bad. It’s sets up this cycle in your brain that basically makes you crazy. You constantly foam at the mouth craving more and more sugar before you kill someone or fall asleep from sugar crash. Sugar causes diabetes. If you want to keep all your appendages you should cease sugar consumption now. Natural sugar in fruit is ok, but just a little bit, remember. Don’t scarf a whole bag of oranges. That’s bad. And sugar substitutes? Bad. One word for you. Cancer.
The good thing about Paleo is you can occasionally cheat. It seems that in small, indulgent quantities that gluten will not kill you. Although you might develop a little bit of leaky gut. I think there’s always a chance of mild, leaky gut. It’s inevitable. Or at least pooping is. I think the only way to prevent pooping all together is a new diet popular among some New Age Barbies called Breatharianism. It’s where you exist solely on air. Google it. I can’t make this up. I hear that a frequent side effect though is death, and that’s kind of what we’re trying to prevent.
Perhaps, just maybe, there’s the chance we can’t. It’s possible we might get hit by a derailed train while drinking our kale juice. We could stop reading all those articles and watching those videos that circulate. This is what my grandma did. She lived until her last day cooking everything with bacon grease and adding her favorite ingredient, salt. She learned this from her mother who left this earth at the young age of 99.
I suppose we could continue striving for a healthier lifestyle. I know I am. I repeat to myself regularly, “Carrots good. Pie bad.”
Now if I could figure out how to make my own shampoo and rid my life of plastic water bottles I’d be set.
David says
I literally just read this article and am typing this comment while standing in line at Trader Joe’s. My shopping cart is piled high with all things organic, from gluten-free corn noodles (I guess I’m good to go on the gluten; screwed on the corn) to low-sodium cashew bits and pieces (not “cashews.” “Bits and pieces.”) to organic Sicilian olive oil (the Italian olive oil next to it wasn’t organic; I guess Italians must be fat, lazy, and stupid like we Americans, but those Sicilians, man, they know what’s up with selling healthy grease) to…. *pause while I engage with the guy at te checkout counter*… to “Holistic Natural Canine Formula Dog Food” (because I want nothing if not to protect my dog friends from leaky guts, and I know it is of their greatest concern that they live holistically.). My head is held high as I walk confidently from this place knowing that I have contributed to the sustaining of my own life, the lives of Sicilian dogs, and the paper industry which sells the paper on which the ads were printed that told me how to be a better eater and subsequently, a better human. Spending $141.87 never felt so good.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m very proud of you. Trader Joe, wherever he may be, will surely have a place at the right hand of God for his selfless commitment to ensuring the continued health and well-being of GI disturbed pups and fit and trim Sicilians everywhere, while letting us fat, lazy Americans shop there as well, albeit at an overinflated price. And always remember what they say. “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.”
Jonas Garcia says
“Carrots good. Pie bad.” — This. I will remind myself of this from now on. Just everywhere you look, all you is gluten, gluten, gluten and more gluten and people are just so stubborn when it comes to unhealthy food just like how stubborn smokers are when it comes to cigarettes.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting. You are so right! And I’m even a former smoker! Eek! I’ll take this time to confess my evil to you. I ate two slices of pizza last night. Thick, pan crust. Gluten is floating in my eyeballs right now. I shall try to get back on the wagon today. But it will be hard as my husband and children feast on breakfast cereals. Think of me…