- Well, I am 38 weeks today. I have felt like things may be drawing closer for the past two days. Today I went to the OB-GYN and my exam revealed I am dilated 2 cm and effaced 50%. So things are definitely heading in the right direction. There’s the one part of me that wants to go do circuits around Walmart then come home and have copious amounts of sex with my husband to try and hasten the process along. I see the beautiful face of my daughter now and can’t wait to see my other little girl! Then there’s the other part of me that wants to lay around and take it easy, soaking up the last few days I may have left of only having one child. I am excited, yet I’m scared. I know these feelings are normal, but it doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel a little bi-polar to say the least. As I lay Chloe down for a nap a bit ago, her immediate reaction in her sleep was to slip her hand down my shirt and grab hold of my breast. Even though she hasn’t breastfed in over 9 months, she still remembers that relationship. Ben was in the room and said, “What’s that?! You’re dilated 3 cm and she’s still got her hand down your shirt. Way to be a team player boobies! Before this is all said and done, you’ll have 3 people yanking on them!” So, I suppose things might get a little tricky around her pretty soon. I’m sure there’s enough of me to go around. After all, your love doesn’t become divided, it multiplies!
I did something quite miraculous last night. I slept from 11 pm until 9 am! And I only got up twice in that time to use the bathroom. I don’t know if it was complete exhaustion that led to the lack of insomnia or if my body is resting for the big debut. Either way, I was grateful and needed the energy for my little tornado of a two year old to suck out of me. She’s the one who woke me up this morning. Not unusual. The first words out of her mouth. that pried my eyelids open, were “I want chip! I want chip Momma.” I replied with still closed eyes, “You mean the chips you spilled out all over the bed last night?” Chloe, “No Momma. I want Daddy’s chip, in the cabinet.” So out of bed I roll, with her already waiting for me eagerly at the bedroom door. So many little requests for first thing in the day. It occurred to me how different children are, that they can pop their eyes open, ready to eat, ready to play, ready for the day! And then there’s the Momma, who just wants to start the coffee maker.
I was a little frustrated at myself when I woke up this morning. I know, I should have felt awesome after so much sleep, and no, it wasn’t my kiddo’s energy level that was leaving me frustrated. I felt an overall sense of defeat and discouragement first thing this morning. I found myself worrying over upcoming bills; asking myself if my check would come before they were due, would I be in the hospital when they came due and if so, who would know what to do but me. Asking myself how much would come out of that check in taxes and would there be enough to get the Christmas presents out of layaway and pay the bills. What is most frustrating about these thoughts is that there is nothing I can do to change any of it, yet I still find myself worrying. Oh, why do we humans do this? Why do we worry, why do we dwell? You can know the truth in your heart, yet you still fall to your own doubts. So silly. And that was what frustrated me. Psalm 121:1 “I lift my eyes up to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” I honestly tell you all about my struggles with my inner self and my weaknesses so that perhaps if someone out there finds themselves falling into the same trap, we can know it’s normal and it’s ok. I ask forgiveness for my “doubting Thomas” self, then throw my hands up once again and say “I give it to you Lord. I can’t do anything with this by myself.” Then something magical happens. I feel that heaviness lifted from me and hope fills my spirit. I guess sometimes we just have to do that on a daily basis, huh?
- I awoke this morning at 3:21 am. For those of you who know me, this is nothing unusual during pregnancy for me. Between the stuffy nose and apneic breathing, movements within my belly by a 7 lb baby, and whirlwind of thoughts that ping around my brain like that old atari game, it’s no wonder that I awake on a nightly basis. As I made my way back to bed from a much anticipated bathroom trip, a Bible verse came to mind. Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” I proclaimed that verse over myself as I lay back down. I was physically weary and all those pesky pregnancy symptoms certainly felt like a burden, but I am so blessed to know that I can also receive rest for the most bothersome thing that keeps me awake during these times; my own thoughts. It’s so wonderful to be able to give your worries about things over to someone who is more able to take care of it than yourself. Financial burdens over things that are beyond your control can be given over to one who has complete control. As I had been waddling back to bed, I noticed my toddler daughter asleep by her daddy’s leg. She had her arm curled around it and on her face I saw complete and total peace. There is so much we can learn from children. We too can embrace our Heavenly Father and feel that total peace if we will only allow it as a child does.
I’ll call this fact, “praying for a king size bed!” As some of you know or may surmise from my writing, our child sleeps in the bed with us. She is over 2 years old and has never slept a night outside of our bed. At around 6 months of age for her, I had concerns over if this was the right thing. You will have many well meaning advice from others on the subject. I remember googling it and being so pleased to find Dr Sears and other professionals who embraced co-sleeping or a family bed. Then as time went by, I learned as a parent, that it doesn’t really matter what this one or that one may say. What matters is what me and my husband found to be right for our family. We truly enjoy a family bed. It gives us peace of mind. It has never interfered with our relationship as husband and wife in any way. I tend to believe it has actually made our physical relationship closer and more exciting as we have to be very inventive in finding time together just the two of us! I remember putting Chloe in her crib a few times to try it out and Ben actually went and got her while she was still asleep and brought her back to our bed. He said he missed her and I was glad he broke first, cause I missed her there as well. As we get closer to D day for Bailey’s arrival, I must admit some concerns over the space in the bed. I asked Ben about it the other night and he replied, “I guess we’ll be crowded.” So for the past couple of nights, I’ve said a little prayer for a king size bed. It would certainly take some rearranging of our room, but certainly it would give some much needed extra space. I’ve ordered a sleeper you can put in the bed so Chloe won’t roll into her, but I’m pretty sure Ben will keep her corralled on the other side of him anyway. Whether you agree with our choice of sleeping arrangements is of no concern to me. We are the happiest little family ever and certainly the closest, emotionally and physically! So if you know of a good deal on a king size bed with mattress and box springs included, let us know! Either way, I know we’ll work it out.
This fact can be titled, “morning mumblings.” Having my little munchkin in the bed with me allows me the ability to hear those first words that escape her mouth as she exits dream land and enters the real world with the rest of us. They are always cute, sometimes strange, and other times simply hilarious. Some tend to center around a usual theme: “puppy, the puppy is running, the monster is chasing the puppy, there’s a monster outside the window.” Others center around her needs: “chocolate milk, cookies, juice, I’m wet.” While others melt my heart: “where’s mommy, I love you mommy, mommy is my best friend, I like your eyes.” Some seem way out there: “baby jaguar, where’s the girl, go get her, soap.” I’ve never been a morning person, but I find it hard to be cranky when I wake up to morning mumblings, a hug, a kiss, and the most beautiful smile in the world.
That is all 🙂
- I think we could all learn a lot about perseverance and dedication from children. I personally am quite astonished at the drive and determination of my child to perform dangerous activities or chaotic destruction of our home right under my nose and within mere minutes. This morning while putting on my make-up, my daughter Chloe, as usual, wanted to put on “makeups” too. She grabbed my chap stick and I didn’t think too much about it. First mistake. After finishing my simple routine of powder and mascara, I went into the living room to check on her. She had disrobed and covered her entire body with the greasy lip balm in true fashion of a long distance swimmer preparing to tackle the English Channel. I cleaned her off, got her dressed, and began preparations for our lunch. She came into the kitchen to help and chose a pouch fruit drink from the fridge for herself. I quickly prepared our lunch and made some sandwiches as well to take to her Daddy at work. When I called her into the kitchen, I peeked around the corner into the living room and was not really surprised to see that she had emptied the purple colored drink all over the front of the outfit I had just put on her and the sofa. I placed her at the table with her lunch and began to clean up the spilled punch. This is when I discovered she had somehow gotten ahold of a crayon, even though we have learned to keep those put away unless immediate supervision is present, and had colored all over the coffee table. It’s quite impressive what all a child can accomplish in such a short amount of time. I think what impresses me more though, are the characteristics I see it bringing out in me. I never raised my voice or felt more than a mild, humorous irritation at the above scenarios. This is completely out of character for my former self. Isn’t it beautiful to see how love changes perspective on life?
I am definitely in my 9th month of pregnancy. I think I sometimes forget that, though how I could, I have no idea! Last night, around midnight, I made another of my frequent trips to the bathroom. As I was leaving, I noticed the tube of the above mentioned lip balm discarded on the floor by the sink. I knelt down to pick it up. At that moment a very sad realization hit me. A days worth of fatigue in my thighs and the added weight around my midsection had taken its toll. I then realized that I wasn’t sure if I could get back up! All I could do was laugh out loud. My spouse, Ben, was at the computer and offered a hand, but being hard headed as ever, I declined. I felt that I had to prove I wasn’t completely invalid and hoist my own girth out of that floor. I did. Then I waddled back to the bed and took a tiny sip of water from my bedside glass, knowing I would be repeating my trip to the lavatory soon enough.
Many years ago, as a young woman, I went on a mission trip overseas. While there in a discipleship school, I remember a man giving a prophecy over me. I do believe that God gives spiritual gifts to people and also that you should individually weigh in your mind, heart, and spirit how these are presented. That being said, yes, I do believe that man was of God and received a spiritual gift of prophesy. Anyway, I go back to the point of what he said to me. He said “You have always felt out of place. You have felt like you didn’t belong. You are like one of those square pegs trying to fit into a round hole.” This was and is all very true. I never could seem to fit in as a kid. I had a tough time in school and suffered my fair share of bullying. I’m glad social media didn’t exist back then or I might have been one of those sad stories you see on Oprah! But there’s more. He also said something I will never forget. He said, “God made you different for a reason. He has a special plan for you. He will place you into a square hole where you fit perfectly.” As I’ve gotten older and my relationship has grown with the Lord, I find my differences much easier to accept. I am truly happy with myself. I am loved by so many people and I think my personality does draw people in whom God would have to be a part of my life. I am thankful for my differences. I am thankful for those who love me despite them. Most of all, I’m thankful for a God who made me, me! I pray today that everyone may feel that peace about themselves and work to cultivate it in your children and those whom you love.
- I love that while I’m doing laundry, cleaning a toilet, or making dinner (don’t worry, not necessarily in that order) that my 35 inch tall, blond haired, blue eyed little angel will come up to me, tug on my pants leg, and say “come hold me.” She does this even while her epic series “Dora” is on, no doubt at a pinnacle moment judging by the accompanying musical number. She wishes for me to share in her cinematic adventure. I love that I stop what I’m doing and go sit with her in my lap. I love that hours before Ben is scheduled to come home from work, that Chloe begins to react to every sound outside with an excited exclamation of “Daddy’s home!” I love that she crawls into the nook of her Daddy’s arm for comfort in the middle of the night and then climbs into my arms in the morning hours, even if it is because she knows I’ll be the one to get up and retrieve chocolate milk when summoned. Parenthood is a special gift that I savor every moment, hoping that I don’t allow a drop to hit the floor unseen.
2.This morning was one of those small special moments in life. Ben went into work an hour later than usual. One hour is not a lot of time, but for some reason it seemed very special to me. We didn’t do anything special. Normally I am still groggily waking up when he is getting ready to leave, but this morning we woke up together. We just stayed in the bed being lazy with coffee and a wonderfully entertaining preschool tv program in the background. I took my turn and rested my head in the nook of his arm. I could feel his bicep muscle and it made me feel very protected and taken care of. It’s the small moments in life that you can take hold of and cradle in your heart throughout the day to make you smile.
- I feel like God is doing something new in my life. He’s constantly helping us to grow and become what He desires for us to be, but sometimes He may change your dreams and the desires of your heart to lead you into a new direction in life. This can be an exciting time, but also scary. New is almost always scary! Lord, how will I make that change? Will that be what’s best for my family? How will that provide financially for them? Then you may say, ok God, if that’s what you want then provide the way. I think He does, but perhaps not always in the way we as humans expect. We expect a huge neon, blinking arrow sign pointing to a winning lottery ticket that will allow us to easily step out and perform this new task we feel led to do without even breaking a sweat. When it doesn’t go down that way, we may become bitter like a 16 year old girl who didn’t get the brand new dream car for her birthday. But when you can have faith in His provision, His timing, His will for your life, you will find that your eyes are open to so much more. You can see the tiny moments in time where His hand intervenes and changes the course of your life. It may not be a miracle knock at your door with a big check, but rather a new idea brought to your mind in the middle of the night, one that can change the course you were taking on your own. It’s such a peace of mind to know that it’s not all up to me to make it happen all on my own, but that the Master Painter is using His brush to create the landscape for which my story will play out on the great canvas of my life. That is all 🙂