I didn’t even consider that it could be bothersome until he brought it up, but I suppose it’s that way with lots of things. You’re going to find some things your spouse does annoying. No qualms about it. The difference of how it affects you long term will be dependent on how you respond.
He began with, “It’s like when you leave your flatiron out every single time when you go to work. I could get mad about having to put it up every day.”
We sat side by side in our truck going down the road, and we talked about the key to a happy marriage in our mind’s eye.
Selflessness.
We agreed as we talked about healthy relationships that continued happiness was dependent upon being able to see beyond individual, personal needs. To stay content in marriage it was important to place yourself in the other person’s shoes. So you couldn’t just focus solely on how a situation affected you, or focus only on your contribution to the relationship. You had to see what your partner was feeling, their sacrifices as well, and you couldn’t forget that you both were human and made mistakes.
He continued, “I had to remember that you were in a hurry when you left in the morning, so your straightener would be too hot to put away.”
So something that could potentially be annoying to him, like putting my flatiron away every day, became less annoying when he took the focus off himself. Instead of just looking at the fact that he was putting it away, he realized my position. He understood my limitations, my reasoning, and by considering those things he realized it wasn’t an issue worth being upset about. It wasn’t like I was leaving it out on purpose for him to put away, and in the grand scheme of life it wasn’t even that big of a deal.
This was just one example, but we both could have thought of multiple instances like this one in our day-to-day life. The fact is that living with someone is hard. You have differences, idiosyncrasies, and differing opinions on matters. You can always find something to disagree on. You can always find something that makes you irritated. Most of the time they’re even small issues, but when these tiny situations pile up on one another they create a bigger problem. They create feelings of unfairness, feelings of not being appreciated, and feelings of being taken advantage of. But if instances are dealt with properly as they occur they’re less likely to be a toppling mountain of an issue later on.
Things like irritation over dirty socks left in the floor can be seen for what they are. A small issue; not a deal breaker.
In a marriage if you only focus on your contribution you’ll become easily bitter. A housewife will became angry at a husband who never helps around the house, and a husband working outside the home will become angry that his wife doesn’t appreciate being able to stay at home. And vice versa! Anyone can always become angry about anything and feel like they’re giving more to the partnership, that they’re not appreciated, and that they’re being taken advantage of. But usually if they can take the focus off themselves and look at the other person they’ll see it’s not what they thought.
Now that’s not to say that every marriage is equal, or that in every relationship each partner does their honest best. But in many instances marital strife comes not from uneven contributions; it comes due to selfishness. A focus solely on self always clouds one’s judgement. Personally, I found that my marriage is a lot happier when I can appreciate my spouse’s contributions and position for why he does the things he does. When I walk a mile in his shoes I can see that my trek isn’t that bad, and my husband also strives to see me in the same loving, unconditional light.
This morning I left out my flatiron again. After all, it was too hot for me to put away. But as I looked down at the hot pink, hair styling tool I smiled at thoughts of how wonderful it was to have a husband who didn’t mind putting it away for me.
Renelle Stauffer says
Love this! We are selfish by nature, which is what makes a marriage so difficult and beautiful, when we can think of and put our spouse’s needs before our own. Something I am convicted about often and trying to do every day. Thank you for the great example!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Dave says
I couldn’t ask for a more selfless person in my wife! Her entire day is filled with her concern for my well being plus that of her 94 year old mother! Her concern goes long distant too for her children even though they are 300 miles away. I feel so bad for having even one annoying thought when she does something I wish she wouldn’t do! I try to keep my gum hid as she is a popper with gum! But I suck it up when she does get some as I know I aggravate her with crunching sounds as I am notorious for that as I love crunchy snacks! From flat irons to popping gum, we have to remember how blessed we are with mates who love us in spite of our idiosyncratic ways! Wow, idiosyncratic! My word predicter came up with a good one there! I especially thank God for His patience with me! His love is amazing!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for commenting. Your relationship with your wife inspires me.
Angie says
I didn’t get married until I was 45. My husband and I both had several failed relationships. I think it has made me more determined to make it work. Also, since I am trying to overcome his past experiences; I overlook a lot of things that I wouldn’t have in the past. Love your posts. They encourage me.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Lisa Pierce says
Great post Brie! I think if you ever decide to change careers you should consider marriage counselor.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Amy says
I feel like I cannot please my husband, no matter what. I make him angry and sometimes I cannot even understand why and this gets him even angrier. He recently came down with an ulcer and I just today learned he attributes it to me. He is not abusive and goes out of his way to be kind, but makes me feel like I am a selfish, uncaring, and very dumb person, without ever saying these things directly. I work full time and have a home business. He works two jobs at odd hours and I can whine a bit about him spending more time with me, but I try to be supportive, cook for him (when I can!), nurture him, and think of his needs. I am very stressed and the main breadwinner in the family, so I do get caught up in my own needs and stressed, but I cannot understand what gets him so irritated. He says I make our arguments about “me” instead of understanding him. I try to understand, but, literally, cannot; it may be that I am just less intelligent than him (which is true). The crazy things is that I am a therapist and work so hard to empathize with his frustration and understand his perspective, yet it is tiring to always be the “bad guy.” I feel I cannot live up to his standard. I guess I am just ranting here, but the article is helping me to accept that it might just be an “it is what it is” situation. I wish he could feel the same way.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Praying for you both right this minute. God’s blessings over your marriage.