As I stood in the shower this morning I suddenly thought I could hear the baby crying, and though I wasn’t sure if it was actually her or just in my mind, I wasn’t surprised when I heard it. She had been doing that a lot lately, which was why this happened to be the first time in almost a week I had managed to wash my hair. I quickly rinsed and jumped out of the shower, and after the water was off that’s when my ears confirmed my nine month old had indeed woken in my absence. After toweling off I rescued her from her distress, and as we settled into the rocker she laid her hand upon my chest, closed her eyes, and smiled the tiniest of smiles.
Things had been challenging around my house lately to say the least, and though I kept waiting for things to settle down a bit they didn’t so much. Ever since the arrival of my third child my life had been a whirlwind of activity, and there showed no sign of slowing. Every time we exited one phase of infancy, another came about, and I wasn’t sure if this child happened to be my most difficult yet, or if it was simply the norm of having a trio.
My house was a mess, my ability to organize life was a mess, and in general I was a mess. In fact the past nine months had been nothing but messy, yet it was wonderful too. Looking down at that precious sleeping face, half-turned grin in place, I knew that I was blessed. My life was messy, but it was a messing blessing.
My days were full of a hundred things to do, things that I never even got around to, but at the end of each one I kissed little heads goodnight and stared lovingly at tiny sleeping beauties. So often I felt as if I were a step behind every step of the way, as if I couldn’t catch up no matter how hard I tried, but when I sat in silence like this morning rocking a precious bundle I knew that I always made time for what was truly important. And as I felt the weight of that precious baby pressing against my arms I also felt the weight of how quickly it all passed pressing against my heart.
Just yesterday my firstborn had turned six years old, but it wasn’t difficult for me to reach into my head to find memories of her arrival. I recalled holding her against my chest and hugging her little body tightly against mine. In that moment I had known for the first time what it was like to love someone so much more than I did myself, and though it was crazy, and different, and hard, I had embraced motherhood with everything I had. It seemed like just yesterday she had fit in the crook of my arm, and now she was taking showers and painstakingly sounding out sentences. The thought of how quickly it had happened made me a mess, and I thanked God again for this messy blessing called life.
It wasn’t always perfect, in fact sometimes it was far from it. I had bad days, heck, sometimes bad weeks, but even in the most difficult of times it was the best of times. It was a beautiful mess, and there was no other way to describe it. Call it a difficult phase, call it the younger years, or call it the blur of life with babies. Whatever you called it, I called it blessed. It was my messy blessing.
After we had rocked this morning as long as the clock would allow, I laid my sleeping baby back down, and I hurried off to get ready for work. I would miss her, I knew. I would miss them all, and though some crazy days I breathed a sigh of relief at the end, overall I was madly in love with mothering. It was my calling, my passion, and one of my most favorite things. It was hard, but worth it. It was challenging, yet rewarding. It was messy, but it was my messy blessing.
Before I could even finish getting dressed she began to cry again, begging in her own little way for me to come back to bed. I cradled her against my chest, silencing her cries, and handed her off to her daddy. She cried after me at first, and though I wanted to stay and comfort her, I knew I had to go. So later as I walked out the door, with her cries ushering me on my way, my heart winced. It was indeed a mess, but it was also a blessing. It was my messy blessing.
Alison says
Thank you Brie for your encouragingly words. I really enjoy reading your blog and seeing how similar our life is to yours. This totally is my Life right now. My youngest child-a little girl- just turned two at the end of last month. I Also have two older boys who are 7 and 41/2. It seems getting the everyday things done that I don’t get the other things done. I’m happy though for the little lives that God has entrusted my husband and I.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
God is so good!
Alison says
He definitely is. ?
Gwen Woodard says
God bless that mess! It’s so much better than a perfect, clean house without children.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
So very true!