I think we all enter the field of Nursing with high aspirations and noble intentions, and while there’s certainly a degree of nervous anxiety as your career begins, there’s also a beautiful sense of pride. It’s that pride and call to improve wellness that drew most into the field. Not money like many ill-informed would believe.
Anyway, you begin your nursing journey with a bright and shining anticipation for the job, but then something happens along the way that tarnishes the vision you once held, that casts a shadow of doubt over the love of patient care.
Maybe it’s a patient death. There’s nothing quite so disheartening as fighting tooth and nail to bring someone back from the brink of death, but then facing the reality of a code called and death pronounced.
There’s nothing that breaks your heart more than spending time getting to know a patient, hearing their dreams and aspirations, or even their children’s names, then coming on shift to discover they passed in the night.
Sometimes it’s that compounded on top of itself. Years and years of watching young lives senselessly snuffed out, or too many times trying to console an elderly, grieving spouse to no avail.
Episode after episode of trying every medication you can think of, breaking countless ribs, but still having to let go when they don’t keep breathing. Especially if you told a son, “I won’t let anything happen to your dad.”
Too much death and dying, until you realize one day that the stiff bodies and vacant eyes don’t even bother you anymore. And that makes you wonder if you’ve lost all compassion or sense of humanity, even as you know that you haven’t.
Perhaps it confronts you on the tail-end of a bad day. One of those days where absolutely nothing goes right, and you realize that there seems to be more bad days than good now. When did that happen?
Sometimes it cumulates at the end of a particularly long shift, the kind where you were short-staffed and you questioned the safety of your patients. And as you walk to your car, feet hurting, back aching, and belly growling from no lunch, you realize you just can’t do this anymore. You can’t do more than you are physically able to do.
You reflect on the harsh names you’ve been called by a patient or their family, the demeaning treatment you received from a cocky surgeon, or the unfair conditions you perceive from your employer or coworkers. You let it all weigh upon your tired mind and you realize you’re done.
It’s time to call it quits.
You can’t do it anymore.
And remain sane and healthy, that is.
The thing is, we all have those days, those moments, those circumstances that beg us to question why we chose the field of nursing. And as we sit in our driveway trying not to cry we may even wonder, am I even doing anybody any good?
Yet you know how the story ends, don’t you?
You put the car in park, you take the key from the ignition, and you go inside your home. Hopefully you take your shoes off first. And once you’re there you hug your children. You think of the young patient who died, and you hug them even tighter. Maybe you kiss your spouse, and sink into their embrace grateful that they still breathe beside you. Maybe you pet your dog or your cat, smile at their silly antics, and thank God for the stress relief of fur babies.
Regardless of your outlet of choice, be it a glass of wine or a good book, you fall asleep hard on your pillow that night. Then you wake up early to fight the good fight once again. You wake renewed and with purpose, because that’s what nurses do.
You go to work, and you work it. You take care of patients like nobody’s business, and you get the job done. Despite the hard days, despite the obstacles, and regardless of the inherent difficulties that are a part of the vocation, you nurse your butt off. Because that’s who you are.
Nurses become nurses because they are drawn to the field like a moth to a flame, and though circumstances may try to burn them out, it’s always that calling that leads them to the heart of the matter, the meat and potatoes of it.
The heart and soul of nursing is that dedication to duty that made you enroll in nursing school to begin with, and when you hear a patient say “thank you,” or watch a walking miracle leave your unit alive and well, you are reminded why you do it. It’s to see people get better, or make their departure from this world more comfortable. It’s that easy.
So when you get a special card of gratitude from a patient’s family, or the head injury patient walks in to visit six months later, looking like he could conquer the world and giving you the credit, you want to cry again. But happy tears this time.
You remember why you do what you do, and just how much you love it. You feel like you could move mountains with a wave of your penlight and make oceans roar with your mighty stethoscope. You feel appreciated, needed, useful, and that’s all you really wanted anyway. To feel like you were doing good.
So when you realize you are, gosh, it feels wonderful, and you think maybe you have it inside you after all. Maybe you can keep going with this little thing you love called nursing.
And that is why you don’t call it quits after all.
Dorothy says
Brie, on behalf of the lovely nurses who are caring for my husband tonight, I thank you.
I will be sure to show this to at least one of them tomorrow. Having the fellowship & encouragement from your column in their back pocket might help give one of them that one more deep breath they need someday to stay in what I truly think is one of the world’s most glorious yet thankless professions. Bless you & bless all of them for getting up the “day after” and going back.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Sally Hudson says
Beautiful story and I love all of your posts. I have been a nurse for 47 yrs. Love my profession.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Christopher Kuveke LPN says
Amazing. A nurse for coming up on 20 years now and it’s like you wrote this directly to me and I’m sure every nurse has that feeling reading it. I myself am a writer but this read more eloquently/accurately than I have ever expressed verbally.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much.
Charles Sullivan says
Not a nurse but a spousal caregiver for the last 15 yrs, your words struck deep within my soul. Thank you!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. Bless you for your dedication to your work as well.
Karen says
You know, much of what you said here rings true for those of us teaching as well. I have two classes of “at-risk” youth…(aren’t they all at risk??) Thank you for reminding me of why I do what I do.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Julie Alonzo says
Beautiful and so true. Thank you.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Mimi says
As a medication aide and as a nursing assistant with 3+ years of experience and also the person who took care of their dying grandma full time on top of going to school for my med aide, I thank you for this.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Bonnie says
Thank you for this. I have only been a nurse for about 8 years but i have been battling burnout at an understaffed dialysis unit for awhile now. In dialysis you KNOW AND LOVE your patients so much, seeing them 3 times a week for years. With the (extreme) so, so, so short staffness I feel the call of so many other professions at the end of every day but who will help my patients? Thank you, I need little reminders like these to keep on pushing on, everyday.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Stephanie Paulhus says
You hit the nail on the head with each and every word and feeling! Thank you for sharing!!!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
candicesmith says
…or the last line could read, but because nothing ever changes for good… all changes made lead to more piled on top of that mountain that you’ve been trying to climb leaving you farther down than up no matter how many steps your worn out feet take… and you realize your good intentions to do good are not going to make an ounce of difference… and your own health has been compromised, leaving your home neglected, your family relationships neglected, and you decide that for your own good….it’s time to move on.
Patti says
Me too. I had to walk away. I hate that perception that when it comes to Nursing there’s always supposed to be some beautiful platitude at the end of the story making it all ok. I’m not bitter, but I am burned out, and a thank you from a patient or a family member now and then isn’t enough for me to survive on. 10 years in the ICU sucked me dry emotionally and spiritually.
roslyn elton says
Yesterday as I popped my head in the nurses room and quickly made a exit as she had a patient with her but not before I saw the stress and tiredness on her face and I felt for her and when she came out she apologised to me and I gave her a cuddle and told her how much I appreciated her and as I left to say goodbye and said see you Monday she replied Maybe!! But then followed me w ith a reply and said of course I will be here on Monday as she loves nursing and been a nurse for over 42 years
Athena Hartwig RN says
Thank You for this Brie , I needed to hear this I am sure there are many of us out there that your words hit that nerve. For me it was feeling the cloud of death that seemed to envelope me at work then dollowed me home. In one year my black dress was used for family members and coworkers as many times as I responded to code blues at work. But yes life finally turned around- the last year has been weddings, engagements and births ….
Again thank you for what you wrote, it beautifully described what all of us who care for our patients go through
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Debi says
Love being a nurse but have to stop due to medical issues. I am so torn up about it because I am 58 and have only been a nurse for 11 years. In my mind I’m not ready to give it up but my body says it’s time.
Catherine says
Thank you, your dedication, caring & love for your chosen vocation is all too often taken for granted. You are also a gifted writer who by sharing your life’work not only opens eyes to those outside your field but those who may be thinking of going into nursing. Burn out comes with many high stress jobs. When it gets too bad then it’s time to make changes as a burned out nurse, teacher ,etc. Are not doing themselves or those they serve any good. Sometimes it may just be taking time away from it all to see if your calling is still in you. Only you know when or if that day has come. We as humans need to read articles such as yoirs so as to understand & better empathize with each other what it is like to walk in someone elses shoes. Articles such as yours help bridge that gap. For when we better understand each other we learn how much something as simple as a gesture of thanks or a word of kindness can mean. How much better our world can be when we show each other a greater appreciation of what each of us brings to the lives of those we come in contact with each and every day. So once again thank you for the gift you are and the gifts you bring.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so very much!