Two nights ago I lay in bed staring exhausted at the ceiling. My insomnia stirred at me, speeding up my thoughts, and slowly down my ability to fall fast asleep. I realized with disappointment that I felt a sense of not quite dread, but certainly trepidation. I discovered with some surprise, in fact, that I was scared.
What have I gotten myself into? I wondered.
Most days lately I felt like I barely held it all together. My schedule my overflowing, my patience was veil thin, and my ability to feel accomplished at the end of the day was near nonexistent.
How was I going to handle another one?!
I wanted this baby. I did! But now that time was drawing near for her arrival I wondered if I had what it took to take on another child under my care. I wondered if I would have the energy, the endurance, the forbearance to be the kind of mother I desired to be.
Sleep deprivation starts all over. Marathon breastfeeding begins. Back to diaper duty.
I was worried if I could do it again, and certainly if I’d do as well as I had before. I realized I was scared for this tiny little life to arrive. I was afraid I would fail her!
Yesterday my five year old daughter said something out of the blue, as kids that age tend to do. She said, “I don’t want to die one day, Momma. I’m not ready to leave my friends and family.”
I gazed peculiarly at my child, and then said the only thing that seemed to come to mind. I told her, “Don’t worry, baby. When it’s your time God will make you ready. And you won’t be ready until then. That’s kind of how God works.”
Last night I had trouble wanting to go to sleep again, and though I was tired I knew I couldn’t lay down just yet. I felt a persistent urging to pack my hospital bag, so that’s exactly what I did. And after I finished I found myself finally ready to lay in bed.
As I started to doze off I realized I was ready. The trepidation was gone. The worry had wilted. The anxiety had disappeared. I prayed, “Thank you, Lord. I am ready.” And I fell asleep in peace.
Two hours later I awoke with the discomfort of a contraction, and I stayed awake for a few hours more timing the regular rhythm working its way down my abdomen.
They’ve persisted throughout the day, now growing stronger, and definitely becoming closer and closer together. I’m not sure what that means. I’m not sure when my baby will come. If she comes now she will be a bit early, but I hold on to the knowledge that God is never early, nor late.
I don’t know how my labor will go, or when exactly my daughter will arrive. Beyond that I don’t know what kind of baby she will be, or the challenges that may come. But I do know this. I am not afraid.
I am not afraid of what’s to come, and as the time seems to be right around the corner I feel complete peace. I guess that’s how God works.
Ruthie says
Praying for an easy delivery for you! You ARE ready!
Paula says
I do love your writes. Very moving. I know you will do just fine.