When I first got married I certainly didn’t imagine it would end in divorce. I mean, I didn’t stand at the altar exchanging my vows before the priest with the thought creeping in the back of my mind, well, if it doesn’t work out at least I got that cool coffee maker.
Being the product of divorce as a child, and then later seeing my mom function in a supremely happy marriage I knew one thing for certain. I was going to do it one time, and one time only!
Fast forward thirteen years later and I’m one of the statistics. I’m a divorced woman, and though I never dreamed it would happen to me, and even as I didn’t want it to be so, there it is.
Now I find myself in a beautiful marriage, with a man I adore, yet I realize I’m still haunted by the stigma of my past marriage’s failure. I’ll be trucking along in my perfect (to me) life, with nary a thought of my prior relationships, when suddenly I am confronted with reminders of who I used to be.
A letter in the mail addressed to my former name, or a piece of jewelry found in the bottom of my jewelry box, one that I was certain I had gotten rid of so as to keep memories of failure away.
When pulling out Christmas decorations I might see an ornament we purchased together, and my first thought is to throw it quickly into the trash. I think, I must toss these foul reminders of a broken life away lest they infect my current, happy home!
I never planned on being a divorced woman, and I never pictured my marriage would fail. And in my regret over poorly made decisions, and the things I could not, nor can now change, I realize I carry a distaste for all reminders of who I used to be.
I’m not sure when I began to hate my ex, or even why. But memories of my failed marriage needed to be buried at all costs. I had asked God for forgiveness of my broken covenant, and I had turned my life around. So why was I so ashamed?
Why was I ashamed that I had failed, that I was divorced?
As I stood over my kitchen table, slightly shaken over one of those nuisance reminders of my former life, I felt God speak to my heart.
Don’t live in regret for your past mistakes. Learn from them.
Use them to become a better wife now.
Don’t hate your past. Let it transform you into who I want you to be.
I am bigger than any mistake you have made before. And only I can move your life forward.
Being divorced doesn’t make me a sinner. Being human does. I have sinned more than I can count, or care to admit. I have been a liar, cheater, drunkard, and guilty of any carnal sin you can think of off the top of your head. I have lusted, coveted, and ran from God full speed. Being divorced doesn’t make me a sinner. I just am. But I’m also forgiven.
I have a repentful heart, a heart eager to love Jesus, and fulfill His will for my life. I have a desire to be a good wife, and to carry through in my marriage relationship in a way that is pleasing to Him.
I never planned to be divorced, but I did. Now I must move forward with what God has for me and my current spouse, and I cannot be weighed down by regret of my past failures.
I cannot allow my past to rule me, but I must learn from it. I cannot hate my past, nor the people who reside there. I must forgive others, and also forgive myself. This is what God wants for me.
Did God want to see me divorce? No, I don’t think so. But I also know I wasn’t in His will as I sought my past relationships. The scars left behind are deep, yet God is a healer of my soul.
And though God doesn’t favor divorce, He does favor forgiveness. He has forgiven me, and now I must walk in that.
Trish Henderson says
This speaks volumes to me as this is exactly how I feel after going through a divorce 1 1/2 years ago. I feel guilty, sad, and angry for the things that have happened during my marriage and even since the divorce. I struggle daily with asking God for forgiveness! However, most of all I ask God to help me to accept that He has forgiven me! Thank you for your post!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you Trish. I have discovered this is likely something I’ll have to revisit from time to time. Forgiveness is hard in itself, but even more so when attempting to forgive oneself.
Denise says
Brie…I have never walked within your shoes,and I can not imagine what it is like to go through a divorce, but I am certain that it is not easy in many facets. Forgiveness is one of the best things about God….He is the greatest forgiver.
One thing I feel certain of as I read your posts…..YOU are an amazing lady in many,many ways. Your posts continue to inspire me to be a better person, and for that, I am deeply thankful. I appreciate the opportunities to look deeper into myself through your blogs.
None of us are perfect (except God!!), and He does not expect us to be..that’s the human condition. An awareness of our human faults, and a sincere interest in bettering ourselves, is what is asked of each of us. He also asks that we spread and share His love. I sense that is “” all you””. I believe that He is smiling upon you, my friend. 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement.
Ashley Parvin says
Brie! You hit the nail right square on the head! I feel this shame and regret often. I’m not a terrible person. Every person on earth has made poor decisions. It’s what we choose to do with the outcome (good and bad) of those decisions that define us. Love ya gal!
Ash
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! You’re absolutely right.
Matt says
I have lead 3 divorce recovery classes through different churches and have had great success in seeing people experience healing through the realization of God’s forgiveness after a divorce.
One man went from sitting on the side of the road, pistol in hand to take his own life due to his divorce, to a fantastic marriage and healed relationships with his kids. Praise God for His mercy and grace.
Thanks for posting!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting. That’s awesome that you’ve led those classes. It’s amazing to me how God can heal our brokeness so completely. He is so good to me.
Laura says
Amazing!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Denise Brooks says
Thank you for writing this Brie. I needed this.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. God bless you.
Kate says
I’ve been divorced for 3 years, I’m 35 and was married for 8. I find it is so hard to move on from the fact that you were someone’s wife, your identity is so wrapped up in a marriage!! I know I am a daughter of the King and have a better future planned, without a doubt I know that, but I guess I will always struggle with my past being the past and having to change my name back to my maiden. It was a pretty last name.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing.