I was recently giving away some free puppies when a young woman became interested in one of the male pups. As we messaged back and forth, and she concluded that she did indeed want to give one a home she suddenly asked, “can you meet me now?”
I was honestly taken aback. Wha-wha-what?! I mean it was eight o’clock at night. It was freezing outside and the kids still needed a bath. The youngest was uber cranky due to no nap, and the oldest had just spilled a container of hot pink, sugar sprinkles all over the floor. Other than wondering where in the heck my child had reconned said sprinkles I thought, does this girl not realize how hard that would be for me?!
I backspaced the hastily typed message I had just entered stating as much, and instead answered a brief “sorry but that won’t be possible.” I looked at her profile picture in the mean time. So young. So sans children. And I remembered what my life had been like before parenthood.
There are a lot of things I miss about being single and childless. Don’t get me wrong. I’m certainly not complaining. And as any mom will tell you, my life is supremely complete since I had my babies. It’s tough and it’s different, but it’s perfect. I wouldn’t go back in time if I could. I wouldn’t change a thing. But…
That doesn’t mean I don’t miss some of the conveniences I experienced before life with children.
I’m not talking about the obvious stuff. I knew enough to realize that having children would mean no more solitude or quiet time alone. I knew it would likely mean I couldn’t pee alone for years to come.
No, it’s the simple things I miss. The ones I didn’t even think would be an issue.
1. Leaving the house on a whim. I could totally see the innocence of that girl’s question, and sure, before kids I would have packed up that dog in a snap to meet her. Not so much when you factor in kids.
There’s no longer the convenience of throwing on some shoes, grabbing your coat, and making a midnight run to Taco Bell. Not that they like that restaurant anyway. It’s McDonalds all the way. But that’s an entirely different post all together.
The point is I didn’t realize it would be so flipping hard to get kids out the door, to put them in their seats, or to try and find their shoes, and squeeze their squirming bodies into puffy coats.
And you certainly can’t leave them in the car while you run into the store. I mean you could if you want to risk a kidnapper or a well-meaning, childless citizen with a cell phone camera. Not sure which is worse.
2. Sleeping when I want. So I knew I’d be out of sleep when I had kids. I just didn’t know to what degree. I kind of thought it was just during that newborn phase, and then once you got them in a “sleep routine” you’d be in the clear. Wrong.
I didn’t know I would never be allowed to sleep in again. Ever. I reflect longingly on waking at noon on my day off, or the beauty of a Sunday afternoon nap. Kids nap, just never when you want them to nap. If you’re exhausted they’re ready to run laps.
I guess I just miss the simple action of letting out a yawn and saying “I’m sleepy,” then following that up with going to bed. Now I yawn, say “I’m beat,” and proceed to bathe people, read bedtime stories, rock them, and finally collapse on the couch after loading the dishwasher.
3. Not worrying about food. I probably spend way too much time thinking about, buying, and preparing food. I remember when it was just me I could go months without grocery shopping, and when I finally did it only costs about fifty bucks.
Now I go to the grocery store every other day, and it’s usually fifty dollars a pop. A full trip is an embarrassing amount of money spent. I can’t even think about that right now.
We always need milk, and then really important things like fruit snacks shaped like princesses and microwaveable macaroni.
My thoughts are consumed by food. Did they eat enough today? What I fed them, was it healthy? Do I give them too much sugar? Too much junk? Not enough fruit and vegetables? How can a child eat so much macaroni? I wonder if that story about what’s in chicken nuggets is true?
Sometimes I miss surviving on soup and peanut butter crackers.
4. Saying whatever I want. I miss that. Seriously. I don’t have a potty mouth, but I was once a sailor, and I honestly did probably cuss like one. No more. And it’s not that I miss the unladylike cussing. I just miss not worrying if I did.
Now if I burn myself on the stove and drop a tiny word bomb I’m all concerned my toddler will decide that’s her favorite new word and repeat it all day. Because she will. Sigh.
And it’s not just bad words. It’s any words. I find myself consistently vigilant on what I say or how I say it. Does that hurt her feelings? Will that comment affect her negatively in the future? Will it ruin her self-esteem? Does that statement build her up and instill confidence? Will it build a strong character? Am I teaching life lessons along the way?
I honestly love the fact that I have the opportunity to foster and cultivate a strong, confident member of the future generation, but it’s also kind of scary. What a huge responsibility, and God forbid I mess it up. Yikes.
Sometimes I just miss only having to worry about screwing my own life up. Now I’m responsible for others too.
5. Being carefree and careless about myself. So while we’re on the subject of raising up the next generation… It’s not just their lives I worry about, but also my own. I’m responsible for them, and it all starts with me.
Before kids I didn’t have to wear my seatbelt. I did, but not because I worried about my babies being orphaned. I smoked. A lot. I didn’t have to worry about my children seeing me suffer with emphysema. But now I do. So I don’t.
I am more careful because I have a duty to the young people in my charge. They need me, and they need me healthy and on top of my game.
Every decision I make for myself is made with their best interests in mind also. I didn’t know it would be like that. I don’t guess you can know until you experience the gift of being responsible for little lives. It changes everything.
Sometimes I miss speeding and other risk-taking behavior, but honestly, not as much as I thought I would.
And I guess it’s because no matter what inconveniences parenthood brings along it also carries with it an abundant joy and fulfillment. Sleep deprivation seems less burdensome when morning cuddles arrive, and the peace of feeling like you’re doing a descent job makes all the struggle worthwhile. When your child says “I love you Momma” all the other stuff seems to fade away.
Then you realize it’s time to plan a trip to the grocery store when all you want to do is take a power nap.
Denise says
So very true…..and then there are the times that I wish I could go back and do a few things differently…but I can’t go back in time…..and I am truly blessed with four awesome, independent, morally sound children. Thank you God.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I know exactly what you mean.
Denise says
🙂
Mary Short says
Thank you so much for this! I am a first-time mom to a soon to be one year old. I often think about all the things I miss about my pre-baby days, and I feel so guilty about even letting my mind go there! I love my daughter more than life itself, and I wouldn’t change a thing. However, I can’t help but wish I could sleep in or make a quick trip to Target! I appreciate your honesty and your incredible talent for writing. Another thing I miss is reading books! Your blogs give me my fix on reading great pieces of literature! Thanks again.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! I too miss reading like I did before. I’ve found that speaking through frustrations helps. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them. It just means we need to know someone else feels the same. Thanks again.
Denise says
Mary Short…. As “sisters of motherhood” , we are all in this together. Brie and I can guarantee you that motherhood will be the most rewarding and satisfying “job” that you will ever have. Enjoy and savor every moment; maximize every opportunity to teach and influence your child into a beautiful little person. Though it does not seem like it now, this time passes quickly….too quickly.