Dear Past,
You’re so cruel, and I wish I knew why. I’m reminded of the little boy in third grade who used to rip a single wing off a fly, and then watch the poor thing suffer and flop around in painful circles, unable to fully escape its tormentor.
And that’s how you make me feel my dear festering pit of past mistakes. Do I sound bitter? I guess it’s because in a way I am, despite my desire, really strong desire to feel otherwise. I’m mad. I’m angry about the power you still hold over me when I catch myself flopping around in a circle unable to escape you.
The thing is, I’ll be fine. I’ll be moving along in the present, honestly and perfectly content, eager for my future. And then you’ll slither your way into my life, and I’m so naively unaware that I fall victim to you again.
I will think I’ve forgiven myself for my stupidity, for being a silly, young girl with no sense of self-respect, but then you come along and you remind me just what a mistake I made. And I feel horrible, mad at myself all over again.
But even worse than the anger is the sadness. I will think I’m past the hurt, that I’ve been healed of it, but then there it is. I don’t want to hate you, but I hate that you can still make me cry. I don’t want to flee outside, away from my sweet children so I can weep in secret, and when I do it’s like you’re hurting me all over again.
Oh dreadful past. I want to learn from you. I want to say you make me a stronger person, that you’ve molded me into the woman I’ve become, and I suppose most of the time that’s true. Except when I regret you.
When I regret you, my ugly past, I feel shame. I feel disappointment in myself, and I want to turn back the hands of time, erase the awful parts behind me. Because they just refuse to stay behind.
Every day of my life I’m grateful for God’s forgiveness. I’m so overcome with emotion that to Him you, my past mistakes, you are forgotten. Sin is no more, and only redemption remains. I want to shout, “Hallelujah!” Then something happens, and I’m reminded of you. Oh that I could be like my Lord. I pray that I could forgive myself, forget you. So many times I think I have succeeded, but then, there you are.
You are sneaky, you’re mean, and you never give up. I have decided your mission is to make me feel less, to keep me tied down to you where I may never fly free in God’s truth.
You see, I know. I know that you are a lie. The remembrances you bring of where I fell short yesterday should have no negative influence on how I am today. You, my past mistakes, you don’t define me. But I have discovered that this is too hard a pill for my human mind to swallow. I can’t quit remembering where I messed up no matter how much I try. I hate to admit that, but I can’t. I’ll think I have moved forward completely, but then there you are. It makes me sick.
So I give up! I quit! Yes, I admit it. You still have power over me. Ugh, I hate to say those words out loud, but as I find myself crying again, I realize it’s true. I can’t let go of where I messed up so miserably with you. I throw my hands in the air. I’m done. I’m too emotionally involved to handle this properly.
I surrender, and I hand it over to the author and perfecter of my life. I can’t do it, and though that makes me even angrier at myself, it’s simply the truth. I can’t help but regret my past mistakes no matter how hard I try, so I’ve decided to stop trying. I can’t get past you past, but He can.
I am beyond blessed with the gifts my God has given me since turning my life over to Him, and I can enjoy that without infectious memories of you. I can’t make you disappear, but I can allow my Savior to take control of my life rather than allowing you even a small fraction of power over my thoughts. You have no power over me when He has complete control.
So farewell. Adios. Goodbye. Alveterzane. Farewell. Adieu. I’m giving you up in favor of God making things new.
Brie
Jamie says
You are human, you are not alone, and you are loved and valued.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much.
Leslie says
Yep. Tears and crying and hope. <3 this
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. Truly. Glad the post found you right where you are.
Shelia Mays says
Amazing! It’s like you are telling my story! Thank you for voicing your determination. It helps me with my own.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. I’m glad this touched you.
Donna says
Brie, thank you for sharing. I love your blog. I see so much of my own thoughts and experiences but unable to put them down on paper as beautifully written as you do. Today’s post especially brought me to tears. Thank you
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. I’m really blessed when people are affected positively by my words. And I really appreciate the encouragement! Needing it today.
sandra says
Reading your post I am reminded so much of myself. I know God wants more for me than shame and regrets. I’m so glad His mercies are new each morning. Some day we will be able to leave it there….In the past!!!! Enjoy your writings so much. Thank you for sharing.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the comment.
Danny says
THANKS NEEDED THAT….DB
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Kay says
Brie, thank you for sharing your heart. You touch me and make me feel that I am not so alone in how I think! God bless you and know that you are touching hearts 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! I appreciate that!