This morning as I was leaving for work I lingered in the bedroom where my husband and oldest daughter lay sleeping. I sat down on the bed beside them and lowered my lips to kiss my daughter’s forehead, then I rested my head upon my husband’s arm. I gazed up at his sleeping face, and I was overcome with a sense of peace and fulfillment.
Thank you Lord, I prayed silently, and once again I was amazed at the joy I felt then. Even though I was leaving their side, I knew it was temporary, and this was what I would come home to. Simply astonishing.
Things were certainly different this time around I realized, and as I headed out the door I thought about that fact. It was different, and so was I. I had learned much in my heartache, and I prayed that I could use it to make myself better, to make my marriage better.
I don’t believe in divorce. I don’t believe in it now, and I didn’t believe in it then, but sometimes that’s not enough. It takes two to reconcile a broken marriage, and though my mistakes were many, and I’ve changed from the woman I used to be, I cannot dwell on the past and where I might have failed. I can move forward. I can learn, and I can grow. Isn’t that what God does with our brokenness, He makes it new?
I learned a lot from my divorce, and somehow I was able to take a tragic event and allow it to reshape my future decisions.
I had to learn right away that it was okay to be alone. It wasn’t intentional, but in the past I had found myself dependent on another person, a man, for my strength and my happiness. And this was wrong.
No man can complete you or make you worth more than you already are. I used to have a habit of asking someone I was in a relationship with “what are you thinking?” I didn’t want to know so much “what” they were thinking as much as I needed to know they were thinking about me. I needed to know I was loved, and I needed to hear it. While affirmation of affection is certainly a good thing, I needed it to feel self-worth.
I couldn’t be alone because I needed someone to tell me I was good enough, and until I could be comfortable without that I was bound to fall into love quickly with little regard for God’s will.
A woman really must love herself before a man can capture her heart completely, and I had difficulty doing that. I saw myself through the eyes of the man I was with rather than through the eyes of my Savior, and that perspective always seemed to fall short.
When I could see myself from a God perspective I found it easier to be by myself because I was happy with me. But until a woman can succeed in this endeavor they often settle.
I woman will hold on and make her way like a zombie through a joyless relationship without even realizing it. She’ll be so intent on being with someone who claims to love her that she may be blind to actions that suggest quite the contrary. The rose-colored glasses become a way of life.
The relationship doesn’t get better because you’re blind to where it’s lacking. You can’t work to fix something you can’t admit is broken. And if it then falls apart you can’t hate yourself for it. You dust yourself off, and move forward.
You move forward with working on you and prayerfully seeking God’s will for your life. A lot of women want to beat themselves down for the failure of their marriage, and though I still don’t agree with divorce, I had to accept the fact that it wasn’t all my fault, and that God still had happiness for me.
And when He presented me with the man He intended for me, I had to see it as a gift and accept it. I had to break down a few walls the pain of rejection and divorce had erected around my heart. I had to learn to trust again.
I began to see that you got out of a relationship what you put in. I knew this before, but I really knew it after divorce. If I wanted my spouse to respect me and trust me then I had to give those to him first. Honesty. Sacrifice. Selflessness. It’s all reciprocal. I treated my husband the way I wanted to be treated. I honored him. Still do.
I realized the importance of praying for my spouse. Not just every once and a while, but really praying diligently. As paramount as prayer was to our relationship, even more important was how I prayed. I couldn’t pray selfishly. I couldn’t simply ask God to change things about my spouse to improve my perception of him or to make my life easier. I had to pray for God to touch my husband’s life as He saw fit, to strengthen him for God’s service, not for mine. By praying the best for my spouse, those blessings flowed out to me. It just wouldn’t work any other way.
I never planned on getting a divorce, but through God’s grace I have been redeemed. He has brought beauty from ashes, and given me the gift of a wonderful man with which to raise a family and share my life. I am thankful for this every day, and I show it by being a good steward of that gift of my spouse. From that blessings flow through my marriage. I’m glad I didn’t give up on love, and I’m grateful God was able to teach me through it all.
Leslie says
Awesome. Believing is hard when your guts have been ripped out and stomped on. Your honesty helps me have faith that settling isn’t the only option. <3 thank you!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. There’s always hope when your life is controlled by a Savior who has His best planned just for you.
Rhonda says
I absolutely love this n thank you. As I was reading I kept thinking yep that’s me right now not knowing which way is up. I’ve lost myself n have no idea where to go or what to do right now with my marriage. I just know that I’ve moved out because I needed to and wanted better for all of my children. Only God knows the plans he has for me and I know I can’t truly love anyone until I learn to love myself. I have truly lost myself. The only two things I know right now is that my children come first instead of a man and that I work with y’all lol. Its sad but it’s so true.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting and sharing. I’m so sorry you are going through a difficult time. I will be praying for you. Thanks again.
Sherry says
Perfect timing I just worked with a dear friend that is struggling with this. Getting ready to forward it to her! Your words are awesome
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Dimple says
Beautifully written Brie. I myself have learned some of the same lessons in life. I shared this I hope you don’t mind. It has been a joy to read your words of encouragement. I wish I had the same gift.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! I appreciate the compliment, and never mind you sharing.