I come from a decently-sized family as far as the number of children go. My parents had four kids, and I enjoyed my childhood. I never felt like they didn’t have enough time for me, and I always felt special and loved despite my parents having to spread their affections among a quartet.
I was the eldest of the four, having come along 10 years prior to their conceptions, and I’ll honestly admit that after the third sibling my teenage self wondered if my parents had lost their minds. I loved kids, but decided at a young age that I would have a smaller family than the one I grew up in.
Two kids. A boy and a girl. That sounded perfect to me, and it became my plan resting within the homemaker part of my brain, awaiting the time when I started a family.
It took me a while, but when I began a family in my thirties I was astounded by the actual task. Naturally it was nothing like I had imagined it would be.
It kind of started like this. I had a baby and in the throws of newborn baby, first-time parenting awareness, I was like, “Damn, this is hard!” So much harder than anyone told me. Sleep deprivation, colic, round-the-clock breastfeeding. I could go on and on. World turned upside down.
But somewhere around four months of age, it starts getting more fun than frustrating. Then at six months you think, Oh my gosh! This kid is so freaking cool! How did I ever exist without them?! By nine months you really have the swing of things and you start planning in your mind for baby number two, although most of us wait at least until a year before actually trying.
When you get pregnant with your second baby it’s amazing. You’re so excited to experience a second time the indescribable love you hold for your firstborn. You’re tired, but you’re happy. You might even start to think, I was born to be a mom. I want a big family! You’re surprised for the change of heart, but excited none-the-less with thoughts of minivans and matching Christmas dresses.
Then the second baby arrives. Oh. My. Gosh! You didn’t know. You had no idea it would be so hard having more than one. You never have a moment to yourself. Never. Someone always needs something, and it’s exhausting.
You become that mom. The one who yells. And you hate it. I was wrong. I’m no good at this at all. How can I have a big family? I’m failing at just the two I got! And then you weep a little inside as you say farewell to the dreams of a big family. Like seriously, you can’t believe that Michelle Duggar is real.
So many days filled with chaos. So many tears, tantrums, and fits. There’s constant demands, lifestyle changes, and sacrifices of time, financial resources, and your own body. You wonder, why would anybody want more than two kids?! They’re so crazy, and it’s all so crazy that sometimes you think you might just go insane. But then you don’t.
There’s so much love, so much more than you ever knew possible, so much that you think you might collapse under the weight of so much emotion. It is so crazy, but then it’s not. Then it’s just perfect. It’s just wonderful, despite all the chaos. Somehow all the jumble of so much craziness comes together to form something really great, something just so spectacular.
You look at the tiny faces of these perfect little creations, especially when they sleep, and you think, I could do this again. Right? You think about how much love you hold for those babies, the ones who get taller every day, and you’re ready to go again. You’re ready to have another baby.
I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, but then life happened and changed things all up on me. I realized I didn’t have a clue, but that was somehow ok. I was cool with being clueless. Because if it meant I could learn by trial and error, and be rewarded with tiny hugs and slobbery kisses, then I was all in.
One child, two, three, five or more? The number wasn’t the important part. The love was. I knew God had placed a certain amount in my heart and only He knew how many children would benefit from my bounty. Some days it felt like two, sometimes ten, and honestly, at those points of breaking it felt like none.
But today, it feels like three. When given the choice, why would anybody want more than two? Why wouldn’t they?!
Denise says
I have four wonderful, healthy children!! To this day, twenty one years after my first born, I still count their heads and marvel at the blessings of each of them. I really can’t imagine my \our life without them. Reach one of my children rewards me in their unique way. God is so good.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. Yes He is! Love the gift of my babies!