As I was rocking my baby this morning I began to stroke her back gently with my hand. I brushed her hair from her forehead, and then returned to slowly making circles with my fingers on her little back. I thought then, growing so fast, but still so small.
I noticed the circumference of her tiny arm, and I was reminded just how small my growing toddler still remained. She was still so fragile, and also so very dependent on me to care for her, to keep her safe. She needed me. Although my girls are still little, I don’t think that changes as they grow. Even when bigger, they will still need me.
I come from an era different from the one we live in now. I grew up in a time when life seemed simpler and much safer than it does now. It wasn’t unusual for me to leave my home right after breakfast, head out into the woods, and not return until dark, or until my momma whistled, whichever came first.
I walked around barefoot on gravel, walked miles on pavement roads any given day, and drank from the water hose.
When my school had fundraisers I would set out alone with my catalog and kit, knocking on strangers’ doors, and then going inside. If my folks ever wondered where I had gotten off to, I’m not aware of it. I didn’t get hurt, kidnapped, or molested, but I often wonder if it was simply by the grace of God that I grew up happy, healthy, and not scarred for life.
It seems that this type of upbringing would make me a more relaxed parent, and maybe sometimes I should be, but I’m not. Not really. Sure I let them climb, and run, and jump off furniture, but I keep a close watch and a tight reign on my babies. I realize they are young now, and that may change as they get older, but honestly, I hope it doesn’t.
You see, I think people my age and older reflect back on our own childhood and it is somehow even more difficult for us raising children today. We’re reminded how loose our own leash was as kids, how carefree our childhood, and how amazing our parents were to give us such autonomy. I see many of my peers in parenting being influenced by sources that say, “give them some slack, and let them make their own way, like you did!” We hear this advice and we think we’re being too protective, so we step back.
This is going to probably be very unpopular, but I’m going to say it anyway. Don’t! What I mean is, don’t let go, don’t step back, don’t loosen the protective hand on your child.
You may ask in shock and horror, “but how will they grow up to become independent and productive young men and women?”
Trust me, they still will do those things. It seems to me that in an effort to teach our children autonomy and responsibility that we have mistakenly removed our stern guidance and protection from their life. We have turned our back so they may become independent, and in doing so we have abandoned them in a time when they need us the most.
Children have 18 years with which to grow into adults, and during this time they need their parents. They need discipline, guidance, and Godly instruction. But most importantly they need to know someone cares. They need mom to tell them “no, you can’t go there without me.” When they look up, they need to see you watching. It makes them feel loved, protected, and secure.
They don’t need to exist in fear. Sadly, we live in a world that is different from thirty years ago. There are some really rotten people out there who desire to hurt children, and most kids know this. They know there are bad guys out there. If we haven’t told them, then their friends have. They need to feel like mom and dad will protect them. A child who feels safe and secure will grow into a confident adult. They don’t need to feel like they’re facing things on their own.
Also, there’s a falsity that if a child fears something then they must face it. If they face their fears then it will magically make them disappear. I don’t buy it!
For example, yesterday I saw a terrified toddler at a carnival. She was alone on a ride that I don’t even know how she was allowed to get on. She was screaming hysterically, shaking, tears coursing down her red face as she cried out, “Momma, Momma.” She was trying her best with her fat fingers to unfasten the safety harness, in between her grasping at the air each time she circled by where her mother stood. Her mother stood idly by on her cellphone, smirking at the whole thing. I’m sure in some way this young woman felt her baby would get over her fear of carnival rides by being forced to remain on one. I disagreed with her. Still do.
Kids need freedom from cruel scare tactics. They need stability. They need your presence, your hand to hold, your instruction to look both ways before crossing the street.
Some people might call me a “helicopter parent.” That is fine. I shall hover over my child to ensure their safety. My babies will grow up knowing they are loved and protected. I will know they haven’t been harmed physically, emotionally, or sexually by a stranger. Judge me if you will. Call me over-protective. That’s all ok. My babies will grow to be adults and not die young and tragically.
You might call me unrealistic, or say I’m going overboard, and that is fine too. I’m overboard in the love I have for them, and I’m obsessed with the mission I have been given. God has assigned me a great task, and I will be the best steward I can be of the gift I’ve been given in my children. I will protect them. I will love them. I will discipline them, and show them the way. I will teach them of God’s love and protective hand on their lives. They will know that Mommy is always there, but if she can’t be, they will know that God will keep them safe. To the best of my ability they will see His character personified in me.
My children need me, and your children need you. You’re not harming them by loving them. You’re not hampering their development by protecting them. Can you go over-the-top with this? Of course! You can do that with anything. I’m not suggesting you place your child in a bubble, or even that you never allow them out of your sight. I’m not saying that independence can’t be fostered and cultivated. It can. But your primary focus with your child should be their security and well-being. Pray over this, and I believe God will guide you specifically on how much autonomy you should provide to your child, and what is age-appropriate for them.
Bottom line. If you’re a parent you have been given an important job, the most important job you will ever have. Take it seriously, and give it your best. What is that exactly? Well, that’s not for me to say. That’s between you and God, but if you haven’t thought about it, maybe it’s time.