Over the years of taking care of patients it’s become clear to me that the general public will only see their nurse at face value. What I mean is they will only see the surface of the woman or man standing at their bedside, and will be unable to glimpse below the smooth surface staring back at them. In fact, they likely won’t even think about the fact that there’s more than meets the eye as far as their caregiver is concerned.
I recently found myself caring for a very sick woman. Her surgical recovery was complicated by her numerous chronic conditions. She was sedated, ventilated, and had a vast array of IV medications being titrated up and down to achieve the desired effect for her maximum benefit.
She had an abundant amount of tubes and wires coming out and coursing across her body, and the various beeps, pings, and frightening alarms vibrated through the otherwise silent critical care room where she lay hoping for healing. Her daughter stood at the bedside as I hurried here and there attending to various tasks.
We had spoken often over the past two days, the daughter of the patient and I, and she had been apprised of her mom’s guarded condition. As we both stood sentinel the alarms made a few urgent screams and I adjusted medications and different settings to calm the situation.
I was keenly aware of the rising anxiety level of the present daughter, and hoping to offer her assurance I told her not to worry. “It’s ok. These sorts of things happen fairly often after surgery, and we’re used to seeing them.”
Rather than the calm I had hoped for, the daughter instead turned towards me angrily and responded, “How would you feel if it was your mom in that bed?! You have no idea! You’d be worried too!”
I understood. Stress of illness made people’s tempers flare, and I knew there wasn’t much I could say to rectify the situation. I simply apologized and walked away, giving her the time alone she needed.
I had said, “I’m sorry.” I had not vocalized the words that rang loudly in my head. The words I thought were the ones of a grieving daughter still, and as I walked away they resounded in my mind. I wish that was my mom in that bed! I do know how you feel! But I didn’t say those things.
Nurses perform their duties with a smile, with an air of efficiency, and often what seems to be an indifference. You will not see their calm expression falter even as the feces hits the fan. You might see them stoic while you cry, or even laughing later in the hall.
You won’t see what’s underneath that seamless smile. You won’t see the reality of heartache, grief, and emotional loss that your nurse is experiencing right along with you. I think this is because if we let it out, we might never be able to reel it back in, and our skills would suffer under the strain of too much flow of feelings.
Instead of tears you see singing. You will never know that when I see your mother in the bed I think of my own, and I miss her terribly. As I watch you hold your mother’s hand my grief is reopened like a poorly healing wound.
Nurses experience their own loss, but in the quest to help you with yours, you will likely never know.
Nurses have their own skeletons in their own closets. Most of us have an alcoholic family member or someone suffering through another form of addiction. So know that we’re not judging, as we’ve been there too.
We’re personally touched by trauma, chronic illness, and sexual abuse. We’ve lost someone we once held so dear, and can now only remember in our hearts. We have stood where you now stand, and though you may never know, we understand.
Your nurse is not just a worker, and while she is deeply committed to her task, it means so much more than that to her, and she is so much more than what you see.
Your nurse is a daughter or a son, a mother or a father, a husband or a wife. Your nurse is a victim of loss, but has also seen victory over death. Your nurse has been a patient, even if not always the epitome of patience.
All I ask when you see me at the bedside is that you try and remember that there’s more to me than meets the eye. So much more than you’ll ever see.
Lester Brewer says
I wholeheartly feel for all the nurses. I have often wondered how they do it, especially the trama and terminal end time nurses. I couldn’t do the job they have to do. I know that they have to get attached, emotionally to some of the patients. I wss in the hospital for about 3 1/2 wks and I know how much I found myself loving each and everyone of them. God bless the nurses. That doesn’t give them all that they should get. But it the most we can offer. God Bless the Nurses
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I think that’s plenty! I’ll whole-heartedly take a “God bless” any day. Thank you so much for the comment and compliment. It’s much appreciated.
Kerrie Paull says
Thank you Brie for writing the article. I too am a nurse in Australia. I work permanent night shift in a surgical/medical ward. How right you are. We have all nursed many patients who’s family member can’t see past our uniforms, can’t see that under those are people. People who are wives, husbands, sons, daughters, mothers or fathers. Some think our uniform is a ‘suit of armour’. And when we wear it, we are uncaring, unfeeling. Sometimes I am uncaring and unfeeling. Because I have to be. As I nurse a patient I am reminded of my ill father, my mother who is demented and now lives in care, my kids during times of illness. I must wear my ‘suit of armour’ so that I can leave my life outside of the hospital door. I now belong to my patients and they must be my focus.
And then there are those who noticed that my ‘suit of armour’ is just a uniform. They somehow ‘touch’ my heart. And a family member who just knows I’m more than just their family members nurse. I’m a mum, a wife, a daughter.
To hear those two little words “thank you”! Aren’t they just wonderful. There have been times when those words have brought me to tears.
I love my job. It’s the most amazing, rewarding profession in the world.
Thank you for you! God bless
Kerrie
Aussie Nurse
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the wonderful comment! God bless you.
Tammy says
Agreed. A thank you means more than you could ever know. Hospice was a true blessing to work and a life changing experience. Now as a nurse dealing with chronic illness, new challenges are faced every day. Yup. Sometimes you’d cry if you didn’t laugh.
Chris Basney says
At the end of a long 12 hour shift caring for a critically ill
man, he opened his eyes and whispered “thank you”, when I got in my old truck to drive home, I sat there and cried, dried my tears and went home.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for sharing Chris. I know exactly what you mean.
emma says
Chris…. ive been there myself many times!! Patients pass away and the pain can sometimes be unbearable especially the pain you feel for the family member you’ve grown to know and care for.
kathie says
Thank you for the kind words. It means so much for others to realize that we have lives outside of our profession.
lavinda/lynne watson-cooper says
My husband was in the hospital three times in two yrs nd stayed 18days the time nd a week the other two times at Mary black in Spartanburg nd they were really good to him especially the first time.I kn Yal really work hard nd have feeling too for Yal r human also God bless Yal,they r some that dnt act like they care nd r hateful but for the most part he had some great ones,keep up the good work.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment. So glad he had a good experience with his nurses. God bless you and your husband.
Dena says
Brieann, I am that nurse right now. I am in the process of losing a family member as I write this. But for the last two weeks, instead of being able to be at her bedside with the rest of my family, I am going off to work each day pretending that I’m only there for my patients and I have nothing else to think of. Few of my coworkers know what I’m going through as I have chosen not to say anything- partly because I probably would get nothing beyond a “sorry”. For a long time I have noticed that the work world really doesn’t see anyone beyond the face value. Employers and our patients don’t really want to know that there is more behind the face. You are there simply to do what needs to be done and keep your opinions and feelings to yourself. It’s a sad reality and it makes it a lonely place for those of us who could use a hug and a “what can I do for you” that is heartfelt. Thank you for writing this piece
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing personally with me. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of loss. May God bless you for your selflessness.
eva says
Dena, go home and be with that family member. Sit by their side…….You will regret putting that job before your loved one more than you will ever know if you don’t………
Tammy says
Dena, I agree with Eva our patients will always be there maybe not the same names or faces but the same…your loved one and family should be your priority not a job that shares no compassion for those who are suppose to care for others, God bless.
mike says
when I had a family member terminally ill. I took time off and spent time with them. it was hard to pay the bills but that was not the most important thing at that time. this is time you never get back and you will regret not spending this valuble time with your family.
Cathy Seguin says
Brieanne,
First beautiful article! Prior to becoming a nurse two years ago, I never really gave it a thought as to what nurses are going through in their personal lives or professional lives for that matter; all I seen when I encountered nurses in the hospital setting seemed they were just going through the motions. I would like to send a big THANK YOU to all the nurses out there!
I would also like to send a hug to Dena during her time of difficulty.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for your kind comment!
Marilyn says
This is so spot on! Love it…if people only knew. I’ve been a nurse for 38 years and have seen and lived through so much., but am currently going through one of the hardest times. I understand what Dena is talking about and feel her pain. You spend your life caring for others and have to fight to keep your job in order to care for the ones that mean the most to you! Dena, you’re not alone. ..prayers are with you.
Erin says
Dena, my heartfelt thoughts are with you. My Dad died quite suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of the night. I live a state away and quickly flew to be with my family. Despite all that was happening in my family, one of the first things I did when I got home was call my NUM, the lack of compassion shown her at the time was appalling. I had hoped to make a single phone call to enable a couple weeks leave to be with my family to grieve, instead I was made to feel like it was a huge inconvenience, there was no compassion, no empathy I was in my new grad year and became quite disillusioned I had contemplated resigning, it was such a horrible experience and even when I did return to work there was no follow up from my NUM to see how I was coping. Fortunately I now have a wonderful NUM who is very understanding. I can completely understand how you are feeling. My advice would be to spend time with your family, work will always be there, you owe them nothing, and most likely will not be thanked for your sacrifice.
Anonymous says
Dena,
I feel what you are going through. Though I am not a nurse, I am an aide on a medicine unit. My father went into the hospital and was diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis. I had many days of work in a row ahead of me and I could barely keep my head in the game with so many of my patients in the same condition as my father. He is doing better now but during that time it is extremely difficult to pay attention to your work and stay calm with some of the petty requests/demands that we deal with on a daily basis.
Beth says
I could have written this myself, thank you for writing it. I’m sorry for your loss, I too lost my Mom, she was 57 a CVA, she could still be with us sitting in a cardiac chair with a GT, not knowing who she was, not recognizing her family. We made a decision to let her go, that’s what she would have wanted. I’ve been an RN for 18 years, a CNA for 10 before that, nursing is all I know. The verbal and physical abuse my co-workers and I endure is ridiculous, however there are those that need us, and that smile and soft thank you make every shift tolerable. I applaud each and every one of you that hit the floor with a smile despite our own grief.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the comment, and thank you also for sharing about your own mom. God bless you.
Sandie says
I have a daughter in law and a friend that both nurse. You are all very special people doing a very difficult but wonderful job and I applaud you!!! Grief affects us all very differently. We lost our Mum last year and the palliative nurse hugged and cried with me,,, thank you for your post.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the comment. God bless you and your family.
Karen Beach says
THANK YOU!!!!!!! I am or was an RN but was in a severe car wreck. BUT I always worked in ICU, CCU, OR Cardiac research and Neuro ICU. I think the hardest was when I had to take a police officers belt off after being shot in the head and give it to his fellow brothers then his wife came in and I had to take his wedding band off and give it to her and she was nine months pregnant. One time on Mother’s Day had to ask for her sons organs, another time had to tell parents their lil 16 year old from her sweet sixteen party had to go to a nursing home from doing to much crack. I will never forget this and sometimes I feel like it is PTSD to us. We are the strong ones every night 8 or 12 hours and do everything. I am not ever asking for praise that is not why I became a nurse. Gosh I still think about each and every every single day. People do not realize it DOES affect us!! And we do lose people in our family also. My Dad was a General-Thoracic surgeon who had to quit at the age of 48 do to an AMI. Heart transplant then died. Now I am 52 and still think about all of them every single night.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the wonderful comment. I can see your heart through your words. May God bless you in all you do.
neenie says
I wish people could see the other side of what really happens. Truth be told, I fully believe that PTSD (in some form) affects nurses and that we have all had to grow very thick skin to continue to do what we do. I am a NICU and I remember one family being so angry because they had lost a 22 wk pregnancy and could not understand why we did not “do more” (their words) to keep the baby alive — the grandmother shouted at me “You’ll never understand, so just get out of here”. What she didn’t know was yes I did understand……I’ve been there.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment. I used to have a problem with taking it home with me, meaning I would hold on to the tragic things I saw and wonder what more I could have done. Although I still think about my patients after I leave the unit, I’ve learned to let most things go as I know God is in control of it all. It’s hard though still. Thanks again.
Carolyn Wyant says
Thanks for this opport unity, to read these comments and responses, to know one is not alone. I have been a long term care nurse, for many years. To see family come in and not be recognized, to care for lovely ladies, who’s dementia has turned their sweet soul into a holy terror, to see strong hard working fathers, loving husbands, become incapacitated. I love my job, but it’s so mentally and physically exhausting. Then a family member brings a homemade treat, or just a thank you. My sister was 43, when she passed and the hardest part was, why was her time gone, but my residents, some 90+ were still with us. But I know God, knows. 🙂 thanks again….hugs
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting. God bless you in all you do.
Michelle says
I’ll never forget the nurse who chose to spend her break with me when my daughter was born. She wasn’t even my nurse & though it’s been almost 6 years I tear up thinking about that night. Taylor was not 2 days old yet. She had to stay in the nursery because they could not figure out why she kept stopping breathing. She was exactly 1 month early. I was walking down to try to nurse her again. She was in my arms when the machines went off. She was grabbed from me and I was lead out of the nursery. I watched through the window as they put the bag thing over her mouth trying to make her breathe. I lost it! That nurse helped me to my room & stayed with me. Scariest moment of my life. Thank God she’s almost 6 and is healthy!!! I made sure I spoke to her boss and expressed what a jewel she had in that nurse. I can’t remember her name, but I will always be grateful for her. She was an angel in my time of need. I know this career is hard, but am glad there are people out there who do it so well!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Wow. Thank you so much for commenting. This comment made me cry! So happy that you had an awesome nurse experience, and very grateful your daughter is so healthy! We love giving comfort, and I’m glad you got it when you certainly needed it most! Thanks again.
Darcie says
Isn’t it awful to be nasty to anyone who is there to help you? Sad that some people can only think of themselves. Anyone that I know that was in the hospital always said that “if it weren’t for the nurses….. or sometimes they seem to know more and understand better than the doctor” Thanks to all of you who have made your career in healing and helping the sick and injured.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for your comment.
Carolyn Snow says
Sometimes it honestly depends on why you’re there… I’ve been in the hospital multiple times for overdoses due to mental health issues, and I was not usually disposed towards giving nurses wonderful treatment. There were probably some who I flat-out made angry, because I have at least one disorder that tends to get people quite mad at me (and not necessarily because of my own actions). I have also been, many times, at the hands of both nurses and doctors who did not understand my very complicated mental illnesses, nor did they try. But sometimes I couldn’t really thank even the nice ones, not aloud — I mostly tried to communicate it via my actions instead.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting and sharing your personal story. Thinking of you and praying too.
geekkat says
Absolutely true!! I am not a nurse but my mother was for a number of years. I remeber seeing her coming home wiped out and emotionally drained from working. I asked her once why did she do it everytime…she told me because there are never enough to do the job. Thank you!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the comment. I was raised by a nurse too, and that’s a blessing in itself.
Derrick Tazz McDowell says
Hello my name is Derrick as I read this post there are a lot of things that come to mind so I will share three thing’s with y’all: first as I stated before my name is Derrick I’m 35 (as of next week lol), and I have sickle cell anemia (a blood disorder) and is considered a terminal illness with no cure, but anyway I have spent the majority of my life in and out of hospitals. Having done such I have a sort of all access behind the scenes backstage pass, I spent a lot of this time in a hospital that’s about twenty minutes from my hometown, so I practically raised by some of the nurse’s there at P.M.C. they have always gone above and beyond for me most of them consider me a family member, and I them, which brings me to my second thing: reading this post I had a lot of different faces swimming around in my head, I’ve been through a lot, been a lot of different places and met a lot of spectacular nurses in different hospitals. The one that sticks out the most is one year for my birthday (I’ve spent more than one in there) I was about 13-24 my mom and other relatives came by with gifts, cards, and balloons. I was in peds (the same nurses I’ve seen since I was a baby) as I’m laying in the bed and five of the nurses on staff walk into the room they walk up wish me happy birthday give me hugs, and then as they were about to leave one turns and plays a game of guess which hand. When I won she opens her hand and gives me something wrapped in a napkin I open it and they say we know it’s not much but we wanted to give you something, mom and I both tell them that they have done more than enough because they thought about me (I might have been crying I was 12-13 at the time). I opened the napkin in it was a couple packs of Oreos (the snack size packs) wrapped around the Oreos were some bills and they say we took up a collection for you and I thanked them told them how happy I was and the best part of the gift was the napkin each one of the nurse’s on peds had signed their names and wrote birthday wishes on it. Thirdly: same hospital same nurses (for the most part) on peds again at almost twenty-four it’s thanksgiving day in the hospital room alone and half bored (only half because I had my ps2) it’s around three p.m. my grandma on my mom’s side has been terribly sick (colon cancer) she had been in the same hospital and a few hall’s over I had visited her twice I walked once (I.v. and all) and the second time a nursed took me in a wheelchair. So a couple day’s before thanksgiving she got released to go home, so anyway thanksgiving day three p.m. I call for some pain medicine and she brings it and while she’s giving it she asked what I was doing and I say nothing really just being bored, and then she says it’s kind of a slow day for them they only had a few patience and if was feeling up to it I could come hang out with her at the nurse’s station and play cards I say okay just give me five minutes and I’ll get dressed and I was more than happy to do something. Thirty seconds after she walks out of the room the phone rings, and I answer it my mom is on the phone crying and tells me grandma is dead. I’m stunned into silence and tears running down my face, I hang up the phone and sit in complete silence crying quietly. After fifteen minutes the nurse comes back to check on me, she sees me crying and asks what’s wrong I tell her as best I can and then I break down she hugged me really tight and for the next five minutes I cried on her shoulder as she reassured me. So to any and all nurses never feel that no one loves you or no one cares or no one understands because some of us do thank you for your hard work and dedication! <3
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the sweet comment, and for sharing your story with us. God bless you! I’m so happy you’ve had such wonderful experiences. I’m praying for you now. Thanks again.
Derrick Tazz McDowell says
Didn’t see the typo until I had already posted it it’s supposed to be 12-14 not 13-24 lol but you’re very welcome and thank you for your prayers I pray that God blesses you and nurses everywhere. Nurse’s are amazing people they have to know everything doctor’s know, be able to do some of the things doctor’s do, and care for their patient’s on a daily basis, but they get paid way less, and get very little credit.
jackie says
Thank you Derrick, you are awesome.
Mary Hopkins says
I have worked in the Operating Theatre for nearly 30 years and I do believe I have seen it all. I now work at a small country hospital that gets through an incredible number of cases per year. I swore I would never do On Call Duty again but when you want permanent hours there is no choice so I am back to the 3am callouts. I do love my job but having two teenage children on my own sometimes I am drained even before I get to work. There really are days you can’t leave your family life at home, it does affect your working day.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for your comment. Kudos for you taking call with kids. It’s tough. I’ve known the times of leaving my babies in the middle of the night. Not taking call currently thank goodness. Thinking of you and praying for your strength. Thanks again.
Monica Carucci Fulcher says
I think the problem is that we in the ICU are used to the alarms and patients that are critical, I make sure to educate families and friends in the room about the alarms, I also keep them updated all day on medications that I’m giving and condition of the patient. I tell them about me while I work about who I am, I talk about my family, at some point I become family. You need to connect I am from NJ and work in rural Virginia my patients and families get a kick out of my accent and we laugh a lot, look for your ice breaker wether is a story about your mom being sick or how rough it is to sleep in a hospital bed. Empathy and connect, I promise you’ll never have a problem.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the advice. So glad I do all those things already!
Kam Vose says
Wow powerful, a beautiful article. Thank you Brie.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much! I appreciate your comment!
Lorelei says
So true. I recently lost my dear Uncle to COPD. I was at his bedside holding his hand when he died. I am a nurse in PCU. Then I went to work to care for people with the same condition and the family walking in smelling like cigarettes, when this is the reason their mother is here dying. I want to yell at them…I want to shake them. I was robbed of a lot of time with my Uncle that I adored. You don’t get that time back. But all you can do is smile and ask if there is anything you do for them, to let you know. I am that stoic nurse who rarely cries in front of people when a patient passes. I cry alone. Our patients really don’t know what we give up to be there with them. 12-13 hour says of back breaking, heart wrenching exhaustion. And then we go home to care for our own loved ones, with very little left to give them. It’s nice to be appreciated and thanked now and then. That’s all we need, a thank you here and there.
Schlitterbon says
I almost didn’t read your article, I’ve read so many articles about nurses being overworked but daily I see nurses surfing the web or texting. You’ve written about the true heart of nursing. Thank you for this beautifully written article. Nailed it! So blessed to have had 30 years @ a pediatric, teaching hospital. I still love what I do, I look forward to going to work tomorrow after being off this past week. #missthosekids
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment and compliment. I’m grateful for those with a heart for pediatric medicine!
blessedandbroken says
Thank you so much for your writing! I am a nurse on a Labor/delivery/postpartum unit and your words felt like my own during my recent loss! During my pregnancy with our last child we found out at 20 weeks that he had a diagnosis that was “incompatable with life” and if he made it to birth, would surely die soon after. We decided not to end his life as suggested and to spend as much time with him as we would be given…going back to work after our sweet baby’s diagnosis was excruciating at times. As my belly grew my patients often commented on how excited I must be and how it would be “my turn next” etc. I smiled a lot when I felt like crying. After my son lived (for three days! 🙂 ) and died (on the unit where I am a nurse) it has been an adjustment coming back to work…often i feel broken even while smiling and helping other mothers deliver their healthy babies…as always I feel so blessed to have the job that I do but your article gently reminded me that I’m not alone…and its okay to be broken at times..but as nurses we can still have the strength to care for others beyond that brokenness ♡
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. You are an amazingly strong woman and nurse. I pray that God will surround you with comfort and peace. You are not alone. Thank you again. I’m glad my post found you.
mountaindreamers says
You are right on about letting emotions out so to speak , once the dam breaks there is no going back . I often wonder why I don’t have night mares from working Trauma ICU . Perhaps it is a blessing they are locked up very deep. The acuity of our patients is much worse than 20 and 30 years ago. we keep very sick people alive and when they decompensate it is much harder to care for them. Thank you for a sensitive and well written article .
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for your comment and the great work you do. I see the acuity change also. We perform open heart surgery on patients we would have considered “not a candidate” less than 10 years ago. It’s challenging and intense, but great to see them improve. The subject of this post showered today! And that’s why I do it. 🙂
roberta rhodes says
Brava! Outstanding article that captures the essence of all of us in nursing.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!
Simpson Eargle says
Brieann I lost my loving wife mar 22 2014 after fighting herpes enselfalidous which affected her temple lobes of brain she fought it for four long years after losing her site on mar18th she was admitted in newberry hospital I will say this all of her nurses and doctors did all they could when she passed away her nurses& doctors were there they cried with the family I still go and see them when I get the time because they deserved to be praised for all they do god bless all nurses and doctors !!! SIMPSON EARGLE!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for your comment. God bless you.
Debbie Churchill says
Brieann,
I lost my husband to cancer 6 years ago. The nurses who cared for him were truly Angels here on earth. One nurse in particular was so kind to me in my darkest moments that I decided to become a nurse. I am 51 and entering my last year of nursing school. My hope is to become the best possible oncology nurse I can, and do for one family what my husband’s nurse did for me. God Bless you.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
What a wonderful comment. Thank you so much. You have blessed me with your story. I pray much success and blessings for you.
Amanda says
Thank you for this beautifully written entry. I’m also a RN and I lost my mom 12 years ago in the very hospital that I am employed. You captured how we are very task oriented but still feel emotion. This is exactly what I needed to read as my 13 hour shift is winding to a close. ❤️
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. I feel our kinship!
Eric Fenwick says
Hi Brieann!
What powerful words and insight! I currently work the Trauma/Burn/Surgical Intensive Care Unit, but my background also includes 4 years in hospice in my 13 years as an RN. Two years ago, as we were packing to leave South Carolina for my next assignment in St. Louis, my dad called to tell me that my the doctor’s were having issues with my mom. Apparently, in what was supposed to be a “routine” (if there is such a thing in a patient with End stage renal disease/dialysis, diabetes, post-amputation, laundry list goes on and on…), they found that Mom had gone septic and could not sustain blood pressures. The doctors had her maxed on 3 different pressers and nothing more could be done. Dad was at wit’s end and I was still a 13 hour drive away. Swallowing a boulder in my throat and holding my partner’s hand, I told Dad that Mom did not want any of this, that it was time, she was ready. Dad put me on the phone with the cardiologist, and we spoke for 2 minutes and he confirmed what I already knew. I told the cardiologist to please make her comfortable, and I explained to Dad that it was time for her to go Home. We cried and hung up. At 11:39 that night, Dad called and told me Mom went home. Jim, my partner stayed in South Carolina to finalize the packing and arrange with the movers to ship everything to St. Louis. I high-tailed it to Ohio to be with Dad and my brother and make the arrangements for Mom.
Every now and then, I share this bit of info with a family in the unit who is struggling with that decision and just doesn’t know what to do when it is their loved one who is no longer responding to therapy. However, I agree– It is extremely difficult to maintain that brave face in the face of trauma/tragedy! I use humor, humming, music, laughter, what ever speaks to my spirit to keep the spirit of the family up. Sometimes, the cracks in my facade show through. Sometimes you just have to hold their hands and cry with them. But those families will always take away a piece of something you gave them when all is said and done. And they will remember you for years to come.
Eric 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for such a wonderful comment Eric. God bless you. You sound like a wonderful nurse and son, and someone I would enjoy working with. I sing constantly so I’m sure we could perform a few duets! Thanks again.
Paula Smith Duarte says
So well said. We as nurses are still people. I have been a nurse for 30 years, but I have been alive for over 50. I have been a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, sister, friend. I have experienced loses in my own life, as we all do. Let me tell the young nurses out there that getting a “thick skin” is not the answer. When the day comes that I can’t cry along with a patient or a family, it’s time to get to hell away from the profession. We care because we feel. We just need to learn the skill of letting it go. Give your patients all that you can while you are with them, then walk away and live your life, so you can go back again and do it all over. The world needs us.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Wonderful comment and wonderful advice. Thank you!
margaret says
Brianne, Thank you for writing much more than the “fluff” pieces we too often see about nursing; pieces that do not nearly capture what we are and what we do. I have been an RN for 36 years ( and have just attained my Nurse Practitioner). I spent 21 years in CCU. I have been in the cath. Lab for the last 12. We take call and come in all hours. Thank God we can help most of them. The ones that don’t make it, however, gets to everyone of us. My years in CCU taught me never to get that “thick skin”. After 35 years, I still feel that if you can’t cry with your patients and their families, it is time to walk away. I will never walk away.God bless what we do. It is truly a calling. I could never imagine doing anything else. I have been on the other side of the bed rail more times than I care to count. It has made me a better nurse. Thank you for your post.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much for commenting. Glad you enjoyed. I too never want to lose that compassion and caring that makes nursing great.
Connie Bolton says
Thank you for the article and the discussion. I have been an RN for over 43 yrs, I have had my own personal tragedies and have found my fellow nurses to be great support. In the last few yrs I have noticed a shift in this caring to complete exhaustion and a feeling of “just get thru another day”. I believe this is partially due to 12hr shifts, which in reality for most are 13hrs, go home and be a parent and wife, sleep fast and start over! Also the altruistic reason for becoming a nurse has been replaced by how much money can be made. I am looking forward to retiring and pray I will not need to be a patient too often!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the comment. It’s hard not to burn-out. Best wishes with retirement.
Cathy says
I work with a caseload of patients who, along with their families, I get to know very well. Several have passed away over the last year. My co workers don’t seem to understand. They keep saying things like, “but we bought them time and prolonged their lives” yet I feel their loss so deeply, it does me no good to focus on the extra time they had. All I can focus on is how much I miss them.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing. I pray God will pour out His peace upon you as you grieve.
Diane Monagle Sigler says
My Momma (the Nurse ) hopped on a train in Marion Indiana with Joe, 6th grade classmate of my
Sister. She was headed to Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. She left her husband & 4 children while
She was gone a few weeks. Joe did not make it.
Lesson learned imprinted in our hearts, imprinted deeply 5 decades later.
My Mother, the nurse, was expecting the following year. Mom was 43 and didn’t have much in the
Way of Baby Suppplies and Joe’s Mom gave her the biggest BabyShower.
Because Mom would repeat and repeat. “Bread cast on the water comes back 100 Fold.”
There is no fear in doing for others in this family.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment. She sounds like a wonderful, selfless woman, and I know you’re proud, as you should be. A great legacy. Thanks again.
Elizabeth says
You know, your totally correct. This rings true for almost all of us.
Truth is, it isn’t relevant. We accepted the responsibility of being there for our patients and their families, not the other way around. Articles like this make me feel like we need to educate out families to feel empathy for us… US! What? We took our jobs knowing the roles we would play. Your not wrong, not even a little. We need to quit expecting the public to worry about us. We are capable and skilled caretakers of them. We do this willingly and as lovingly as we can. Even if it’s hard.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the kindness while critiquing my post. I realize, looking back over my post, where it might seem like my sole purpose was to educate the public, but that wasn’t really my point. As with all my posts, on various topics, I tend to bare my feelings for others in similar situations so they will see that they are not alone in how they feel. My words were mostly intended for my hundreds of nursing friends who read my blog every day, not just when a post goes viral. From their personal responses to me, I think it did just that. Thanks again for your comment.
Elizabeth says
Please understand, I completely empathize with you and the many others that post here. I adore reading about how soooo many people are touched by the loving-kindness at the hands of a nurse.
I wasn’t trying to critique you at all. Or ride a viral post, (which, by the way, I’ve never responded to a blog. Though I read them a lot and I like yours). I’m sorry if I came across in a yucky way. I didn’t mean to be rude. Please forgive me.
Not so much in your post, but in other stuff I’ve read I hear a lot of feeling sorry for the nurse talk. I just want you, myself, and every single other nurse out there perform their jobs with their head high and proud…empowered.
I’ve cried with both my coworkers and patients as we have worked through difficult times. I’ve choked back my own thoughts with a patient who pushes my buttons. I’ve lost my cool a time or two, truth be told. I’m not proud of that.
It seems I choose the wrong place to start my career in blogging. It was certainly inconsiderate.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
No need to apologize! I totally see what you’re saying and I agree. You sound like a great nurse, and with your ability to speak from your heart on issues I think you should blog. 😉
Thanks again. Truly. Don’t stop commenting on blogs!
Robin Wilson says
So true!! Many of us have suffered losses and can relate with the families. Some are appreciative, and some are not. We have alot to deal with, every time we step into work! BUT, we CHOSE this profession! I have been a nurse for 39 years, and I wouldn’t trade a minute of it!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the comment. Agreed! I chose it and love it.
Donna Dougherty Harwood says
Wow, I too have been a nurse for many years. I cried thru all the comments. Thankyou for the article. I give everything I have everyday, I love my job in the NICU, I love the babies, the families, the doctors and the nurses i work with. I was told as a young nurse not to show emotion and leave your personal life out of it. I cried myself home most of those early days. Now I say a prayer on the way to work and ask God to help me help whoever he guides me to. I let families vent and if I find a way it relates and think it will help i express it. I laugh with them over accomplishments and sit and listen during the tough times. I work with the greatest group of nurses, we have different approaches, we love what we do. We are exhausted at times and a simple thank you goes a long long way. Nurses are the most complex creatures.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the great comment. I really agree with you. I too pray each morning before work, and I’m always open to what He can speak to and through me as I care for my patients. I love to share with my families and comfort them. I empathize with them, pray with them, and cut-up and laugh too. Thanks again.
Heather says
When I had my son, some complications for him arose shortly after, and a lot of people treated me like I was a bad person. They didn’t know the situation, or that the complications arose from a calculated treatment under doctor’s supervision! The nurses in my unit listened, stood up for me, were there for me, and some shared THEIR stories with me too. They gave me strength to deal with the hate with grace. One night nurse in particular would simply spend time in my room keeping me company when she was on break or there was a lull. She’d check on me as often as she could. That, more than anything, gave me the courage to set the record straight as much as I could until my OB got there and could back me up.
That night nurse, whose face I will always remember, even though I regret that I have forgotten her name, made sure that nurses who had prejudged me on hearsay were not assigned to me. She protected me so I could heal and help my son. I will always be grateful to her.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad God put special nurses in your path to give you the help and comfort you needed!
Heather says
Rereading what I wrote, I kind of got emotional and off track of what I really wanted to say.
Nurses frequently go above and beyond the call of duty. Which people rarely see. My auntie was in and out of the hospital near the end of her life and some of the nurses would call and see how she was doing when she wasn’t in the hospital or stop in and see her when they weren’t in their section. When she finally had to be taken off of life support per her wishes, her nurses were in there grieving with us.
My grandma Doris is in her eighties and often has to go in to the hospital for a few days at a time. All the nurses there love her and call her “Sunshine” because she loves to smile and joke with them, they treat each other like family!
Also, I’ve always gotten scared any time I’ve had to get an operation or a painful procedure done, and no nurse has ever had a problem holding my hand, even though I’ve always felt silly for asking, but they’ve always made me feel okay about it. Especially when I’m facing general anaesthesia. They’ve always held my hand until I’m out.
As long as there is a nurse nearby, I know I’m in good hands, because even if they can’t show it, nurses CARE. I admire all nurses for what they do.
And I honestly don’t know how my grandmother, the one they call “sunshine” was able to handle working as a hospice caregiver for so long, because each and every one of her patients became family, but maybe it was because she was able to give them as much joy, comfort, and compassionate care as they could possibly get at the end of their lives, and she fought on their behalfs every step of the way for them to be treated as human beings and not conditions or files.
I have a lot of respect and gratitude for what you do, and I will do my best to teach my son to never take nurses for granted.
So thank you for doing the hard jobs.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks again!!
Heather says
I guess I’m over sharing so much because I’m 29 and I have to get a mass removed from my breast. Breast cancer is usually very dangerous in my family, and I was lucky with earlier detection concerning cervical cancer at 19, so I’m very frightened. I suppose I’m trying to remind myself that I’ll have earthly guardian angels in scrubs looking out for me and helping me through this in every way. But cancer has been the black hood for almost everybody in my family.
I need to remind myself that I am a child of the Great Spirit’s earth, and things will be as they will be.
But any kind of prayers and good vibes will be appreciated.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I believe in God’s healing. I have experienced it when I was healed from a 15 year long diagnosis of epilepsy. I pray for God’s healing over your life now. May His peace pour over you and take your fear away. 🙂
Therese says
Heather, prayers for you as you go through your surgery. I am recovering from a lumpectomy and will start chemo therapy in 2 weeks. As a nurse, I know many nurses who have had health issues. I think it sometimes helps us empathize with our patients. I am sure we both will have awesome nurses watching over us!
Brieann, I started reading your blog and just love it! God bless you and the people who read your words of insight and comfort.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! Glad the blog found you.
Junette Harper says
I completely agree with what you wrote. Our patients and families will never know what our inner battles are. I am a recent survivor of breast cancer. My treatments have left me with a lot of residual pain and decreased energy. I work in Labor and Delivery. I work tirelessly to care for my patients despite the pain that I am constantly in. I still put on my smile and give 150% of myself to my patients.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting, and I pray for your continued recovery.
Deb says
I have worked in the medical field for over 20 years as a HUC and I truly appreciate the nurses I have worked with over the years. I do however have to acknowledge and mention that it is a team effort to care for patients. The nursing assistant or patient care techs are truly unsung heroes that play a vital role in healthcare. I think that the entire team feels the loss and heartache…..not just the nurses.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for commenting. Couldn’t agree more!
Jes says
I had some of the best nurses when I gave birth to my son. I still remember the face of the nurse who was there with me when they had to give me an epidural in the middle of some pretty awful pitocin-induced contractions. The guy doing the epidural messed up and was taking forever, and she grabbed my hand, told me she had “man hands” and that I could squeeze as tight as I needed. I also noticed her giving the doctor a pretty stern look over my shoulder a few times. 🙂 All of the nurses there were simply amazing to me. We made sure that each and every one received the birth announcement Hershey bars we had there.
And while, yes, it IS your job… I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope people see you as a PERSON. It’s just… human decency. Thank you for all you do. 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the comment and for sharing your personal story. Thanks especially for your understanding.
Bridgette Bernier says
Brieann,
Thank you for posting this, it is very accurated and touches on topics rarely discussed by caregivers.
I have been an ICU nurse for 4 years and have witnessed many patient’s families suffer as they watch their loved one be put through so much, all in the hope that they will recover, when so often they don’t.
Your statement ” As I watch you hold your mother’s hand my grief is reopened like a poorly healing wound,” spoke to my heart. My younger sister passed away 2 years ago, on an LVAD waiting for a heart transplant. As an ICU nurse, everytime I have a young patient with a chronic condition or in need of a transplant, I think of her – everything she went through, and how much I miss her.
However, It would not be appropriate or fair to share this with patient’s families, as they are experiencing their own grief. We say we understand, but they don’t realize we mean it.
Lastly, speakin for young nurses (I am 27) I think many patient’s families believe we have no life experience, could not have possibly experienced, something like what they are going through in that moment – however, most nurses choose to become nurses based on personal experiences.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about”
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment and sharing personally. God bless you.
TJ Holland says
I’m a night shift nurse. Believe me, I’ve seen lots in my 13 years of nursing. I’ve had more than one family member bite my head off for things, mostly out of my control things, but I take it in stride. If I can’t “fix” the problem I have the charge nurse step in. Mostly I just let them vent. They are hurting, I understand that, but it still hurts! I’m human too! There are two things that really get me though. Cell phones and the family or the patient not cooperating with the admit because it’s late and we should let the person sleep. It is our job to get them admitted, administer cares, pass meds, start IV’s, and do any needed vitals and tests. Believe me, we would love to let everyone sleep! I want to give the absolutely best care I can and not let my own problems interfere with my cares. I CAN relate to lots of things the patients or their families are going through. The hardest for me is being so far away from my family and having to hear everything secondhand or long distance. I lost both my Grandmothers and my Grandfather from a distance. I always tell family members to rejoice that they are there, close and present when a family member isn’t doing well. To be able to hold a hand, whisper a memory, give a kiss, wash a face, run a hand through their hair, help with a swallow of water…priceless. I always encourage family members to be as engaged with their loved one as possible. I show them where washcloths are, where the swab sticks are, where the lotion is kept, where they can get a cup of coffee, where they can take a moment away to clear their heads and let them know that their loved one knows they are their even if they think the person doesn’t know. And I give hugs!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for commenting.
Mike says
Great story so very true. I just wonder why when talking about the nurses tasks etc the term “she” is used why not their task or his/her. I am not saying thus us true with this author but there seems to be a thought process that male nurses don’t posses the capibilty for the same level of emotional care giving as woman. This would be the same as saying a female physician is not capable of the same skill as a male physician. Again I am not saying this author remotely was trying to say that. I just see so many stories about nursing or nurses using the term “she” in generalizing nurses. I have been a RN as well as a Paramedic for almost 20 years. I started as one of only a handful of male nurses in a hospital and now it’s close to 50/50 in my hospital. I appreciate and love this story lets just remember nurses are not just “she”.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the comment Mike. I believe I used both in my post in particular. Once using “man or woman” in the first paragraph, but then later using “she” since I was speaking on emotions specific to myself. I get what you’re saying though, and realize you didn’t necessary mean my post. I certainly can’t forget my great male counterparts. I work with more men than women. Many weekends I am the only female nurse, a tiny ball of estrogen in a sea of testosterone. Haha.
TracyS says
This article says things I’ve tried to convey for so long. Without showing it, I can be with one dying patient and their family, and feel alarm, panic, grief, sadness and suffering for a number of minutes, then I have to reel my personal emotions in and keep it together so I can be there for my other patients. And those patients often respond with a snide “Where have you been, on a break?” I am unable to answer for myself, to protect the other patients’ privacy.
I’ve also become cold, detatched, and unemtional. About a nonimmunized child’s death, someone commented I should feel outrage- I told them if I wrung my hands or ripped my hair out for every death that could have been prevented or just wasn’t fair, I would be of no use for the next person who comes through the doors and needs me.
But when I close my eyes, I see the dead. The ones that were senseless. The ones who hit me hardest. And now I know most of us NEED some PTSD treatment at some point.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for your comment. I realized about a year ago that I couldn’t do my job any longer without my faith in The Lord. Without His strength I would be a complete wreak on the inside. He gives me the peace I need to perform my best, and the joy to be happy doing it. Thank God!
Xavier says
I am not a nurse yet, but I am working as a CNA. We had a patient not very long ago, 84 year old female with respiratory distress. She had been cleared from ICU and sent to med/surg where I work. She stopped breathing in the middle of the night. We did CPR for 20 minutes before the family arrived and decided to stop resuscitation efforts. Until that patient, I had not cried at work once. When the doctor told us to stop, I admit to bowing my head and crying for this woman who I had not known for more than 3 hours. Her kids stared at me like I was crazy, but I told them that my own grandmother had gone through the same thing and also did not make it. I stayed with them for a little while and prayed with them. Not two days ago the daughter sent us a letter with her mom’s life story and a picture. It’s strange how the death of a stranger can make you relate in such a strong way.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I worked in hospice for a few years right after my mom died and I related to the daughters so well. I think it actually made me a more compassionate nurse to them. Thanks again. God bless you.
Julie P says
Thank you so much for writing the words in all of our hearts. I read this for the first last evening. I have been in Critical care for 32 yrs and, as has been said by others, I have seen people at their best and at their worst. I have been yelled at, called more names that I knew existed, hit, scratched, bitten, and slapped. I have had family members threaten to kill me on the way to my car after I got done with work, because I couldn’t heal there 98 year old grandfather; their grief was palpable. Then there is the verbal abuse that MD’s inflict, without regard of who is around. And I am not alone, my co-workers have shared the same experiences. So why do I come to work everyday? Certainly isn’t the paycheck. I believe that I have been called to this profession. I have been given a gift from my Lord and it is my blessing to share it with those he puts in my path.I pray for my patients, my patients families, and my collegues (nurses,aides, clerks, and physicians. The whole team). I have seen and been part of miracles from the birth of a child to an intubated mom all the way to holding the hand of dying a man who has no family in town and will not make it to the end of my shift. And amongst all of this, we are so very human, with our own pain. And when things happen to one of our own we cry in the bathroom, in the med room, in the corner of a hallway; dry our tears and continue on. When our patients ask why our eyes are red, we tell them we have allergies. As I write this, one of Gods angels on earth has been called home. While I am grateful that her pain and suffering is over, our is just beginning. She is an RN who has been a part of our ICU staff for over 14yrs and worked the last several years as the cancer raged in her. She was such an example of strength and grace to all. She was one of our family and always will be. We will continue to love and support her husband and two children because thats what family does, love and support each other. And we will come to work every day, love and support each other and take care of those who are placed in our care. We are Nurses.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting and sharing your personal story. I pray for God’s peace to pour over you like rain.
sue poe says
Thank you for your kind words ,where I work you don’t always here them.I do understand where the lay person is coming from for I was there when my parents died.It is not easy being an end of life nurse,you want to make that life as easy as possible for patient and family.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment Sue. I always pray my words are filled with compassion and that God may use me to comfort those in pain. Thanks again.
Michele says
My comment is about when my oldest was just shy of his 3rd birthday. He started at 8am with vomiting and by the time we got to the doctors at 1pm that same say, we were told he ‘needed to just go in for fluids’ to the local children’s hospital. What I didn’t know at the time (and am SO grateful for) is that he was on the verge of Renal Failure- it was obvious to his doctor and the nurses that he was a very sick little boy. When we got to the hospital, while the doctors were wonderful and all, it was the nurse that pulled me aside (after six hours of fluids) and told me that I’d best have my husband go home and pack me a bag, because we were going to be there awhile. Fast forward to three days later- the doctors wanted to release him, but I wasn’t sure. They left for a consult, and an older nurse asked me if I was scared. When I told her I was (something wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what), she looked at me, dead in the eye and said, “If you take that baby home today, you’ll be right back- I can promise you that he’s not ready to go home!”. We stayed and it turned out that he had a minor relapse, Had we been home, it would have been an ordeal to come back vs just hooking his IV back up. When we did finally leave, that one nurse, so gentle and kind, crouched down to him, teddy bear clutched firmly in that chubby little paw, and said, “I hope I never see you in here again, little love!”. It was one of the most touching moments, and we will forever be grateful to her.
The doctors might get the praise, but let no one ever forget that it’s the nurses that run the world =)
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much for your comment and sharing your story with us. So glad you had a good experience during such a difficult time.
Teresa Holloway says
Thank you…I became a nurse thanks to my Mom being one and I work in the very hospital my Dad passed away in over 20 years ago…
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you Teresa. You made me think of this post I wrote a while back.
https://briegowen.com/2014/05/07/growing-up-with-a-nurse/
Ashley says
I am not a nurse yet, but I have been a tech on the oncology floor for going on 5 months now.. So I am very new to the CNA life. I am only 22.. The youngest on our floor. I decided to work in oncology due to the loss of my aunt from colon cancer when she was 34. She was my favorite person in the world and I wanted to somewhat use my sorrow to help others fighting the same battle she fought. As soon as I decided this was what I wanted to do we found out my boyfriends grandmother who we were all very close to had a rare cancer and was only expecting to live for 3 months. She lived for 2 weeks and died the day after Christmas at the age of 61. So, when I’m at work I draw close to a lot of my patients and I am still not over my losses, and trying to deal with the fact that I bring everything home with me. It helped me seeing these comments because when I first started coming home sad and constantly thinking about my patients after clocking out I thought something was wrong with me. My boyfriend and I started to wonder if this wasn’t the job for me, and then I talked to nurses and read posts from other healthcare workers who talked about the same feeling I had and I realized I was meant for the job. I just haven’t found my coping mechanism for it all yet. Thank you for all the wonderful comments because it has reassured me that much more that I can do it and that I’m not heartless if I have to go home and just not think about my day or about my patients all night, or else I won’t be able to get up and do my job the next day.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting. It’s a calling, and it sounds like you have the heart for it. God bless you on this journey.
andrea says
I know I have walls built with pretty strong mortar after working in the ED for 15 of my 18 years as a nurse, if those walls were not there, I would cry all the time at the heartache, abuse, trauma, serious illness and death that I see every day. I will never forget my first code 2 weeks after my own dad died suddenly, hid behind that brick and mortar and did my job, when the wife came in and cried over her dead husband I saw my mom standing there over dad, time to exit stage right before I crumped in a corner crying. I love what I do, I am sure patients have thought the same about me, if they could only see my heart
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the wonderful comment! God bless you.
Cherie Fifield says
As I read your article I had tears in my eye. I am the mother of a critical care nurse and every day I am in awe of what she does. I hear about all the horrible patients but also about the wonderful ones, about the sad ones and also the funny ones. Two years ago my daughter had surgery and as I sat in her room after she was transferred from recovery, many of her coworkers and peers came in. The attending surgeon was a sweet man who told me, “We all love and respect your daughter so much — she is a wonderful nurse and a wonderful person!” To me that was the ultimate compliment and at that moment I could not have been more proud of her and of what she does. I have a great deal of respect for all you nurses out there — you are truly angels and I for one am thankful for people like yourself and my daughter! God bless you!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! God bless you and your daughter! You have every right to be proud.
J says
I am an RN, and this is so true. I always leave my work at work because if I carried the load home with me I would be so distraught. I love how you discuss it sometimes seems like RNs don’t have emotions but that’s because if I let them out the rivers of my tears just would never stop. Barely out of nursing school I held an 82 yr old veteran/ retired lawyers hand….who had no clue of anything anymore… While he took his last breath. I was the first there while his family came in to say their goodbyes. I helped wheel the cart with an American flag draped over the man to the morgue and watched all the other veterans salute as we wheeled by…at the end of my shift I sat in my car and just bawled my eyes out. Currently there are some days I come home so stressed as all I can say to my husband is “there was just too much cancer today”
This post was jumbled. Sorry for that
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting. God bless you. You sound like a wonderful, caring nurse.
Jae says
Thank you so much for this article. I cannot express my gratitude. I’ve been a nurse since I was 19, and in healthcare since I was 15. So many people do not understand that most of us do have feelings, but, was you said, if we open up those flood gates, we cannot turn it off easily. Many nights as I drive home, I cry. I question “did I do enough?” “was I supportive enough” on top of the never ending- “Did I do everything I was supposed to?”. Thank you again for this beautiful article and seeing that most of us aren’t cold robots, we are people too- we just have to contain it so we can do our absolute best meet the needs and care for you/your loved ones.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting. I smiled at the “did I do everything I was supposed to do?” That one gets me every time.
TexasRCP says
While I may not be a nurse, I am a Critical Care Respiratory Therapist (adult, pedi, and neo), and your article spoke volumes of what we as healthcare professionals go through! There have been days where I have hardly made it back to the lounge without crying, because you love your patient’s and their families, and hurt when they hurt. I have had people say that I “don’t understand” what they are going through may of times. You just have to try and realize they are hurt, and walk away for a minute, and say a prayer of comfort for them. But while we may have days where we cry, get yelled at, and maybe fuss a little bit back, there are also days where we rejoice! There is nothing more rewarding than seeing a patient (a baby or an adult), leave the hospital happy and healthy.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the comment! I completely agree with you!
Kim says
I was a nurse, am a nurse. 3 1/2 years ago I was working my dream job at the top Neuro ICU in the area and I loved it. For around 3 months I had been one of the nurses taking care of a young man with a rare disease that stole his control over his body and mind. While his hallucinations caused violent outbursts several times a night, the trust I was able to build with him allowed us to develop a pretty good routine. One night, on the night his iv sedation had been d/c’d, I could see the agitation and hallucinations begin so before I called for help I tried using our calming techniques from prior incidents. When that didn’t work I called for help. In the midst of the chaos, before the resident come he reached up towards his trach with no regard for to the restraints he was in. For a split second and out of instinct I reached toward him, forgetting his trach had long been healed, and he got me. What seemed like an eternity of being pushed, pulled, and slammed against the bed rail couldn’t have lasted more than a minute. The doc arrived, he was sedated, and while my arm and body hurt I thought I’d be fine. 3 1/2 years and five surgeries later I am still struggling through physical therapy to be cleared to go back to work. Every few days I think of him. I know he was discharged to rehab to continue the healing process but every few days I wonder if he’s ok, if he returned to the amazingly full life he had before he got sick, I think about his parents and hope they’ve been able to breathe, to sleep in peace, and I pray that they never suffer through something like that again.
That saying, “Drs/Nurses make the worst patients” is something I’m sure my care team would say about me.
It’s been a tough road, in addition to the physical pain, but the emotional pain is harder at times. People are always asking “why don’t you do something else, something that isn’t as physical?” And, finally here’s my point- I am a nurse, it’s not just our jobs, it’s not what we do, it’s who we are, who I am, it is an integral part of what makes me me and I can’t wait to be whole again!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing your story. My mom was a RN. She was hit by a drunk driver on her way to work, and thrown into the earth. Years later, after bones healed and organ functions returned, her TBI remained. Whenever I complained about work she would always say, “I wish I could go back.” Until the day she died, she dreamed of returning to the bedside. It does become who you are, and though she couldn’t work, a nurse she remained.
David W. Johnson Sr. says
Four months after seeing my dad pass away from liver cancer, I was assigned a patient diagnosed with liver cancer. This man was the same age as my dad and looked similar. As this man was dying, I asked my charge nurse to look after my other patients so I could be there to support this family as my dad’s nurse was there for us. This patient passed away at the end of my shift. When all the details and paperwork was said and done, I sat in the break room for two hours crying.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I completely empathize. God bless you for being there for the family. I know they will never forget you.
Marilynn says
I am an RN with over 35 years experience. I was recently in the hospital on a holiday and being ignored by the consulted physician. I was very frustrated. When I was finally able to be discharged, I thanked the nurses and especially the one who took me in a wheelchair to my husband’s car. She had gone out of her way to treat me with kindness. I will never forget her answer. “Tomorrow it could be me in that bed. I treat my patients the way I would want to be treated.” God bless.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much for commenting. Imagine how great this world would be if everyone followed this golden rule.
Connie says
Being a Personal Support Worker, Patient , and Family Member of Patients, I found this to be a fantastic article. Nursing takes a special type of person. Some people are just not cut out for this type of career. I was pleasantly surprised to see the tears replaced with singing. When work gets heavy emotionally for me I find my self singing randomly in the halls. I can literally sing myself and my residents happy. And I am far from musically inclined. Nurses take the anger of fear from their patients and filter it down to a calm that promotes healing and acceptance. What an incredible gift to be given.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much for commenting. When patients can’t remember my name they’ve been known to refer to me as “the singing nurse.”
Kaitlin says
I read this after 3 pretty crappy shifts at work (I, too, am a nurse in a large ER in SC), this is very much needed and appreciated. Thanks 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much!
Carol Seitz says
I am a retired nurse. I also am a widow of a terminally ill husband. I promised I would be good to every staff member I came into contact with. I had the finest nurses and care takers in the world. When I felt I was at the end of my rope there would be a nurse at my side who would say ” you rest I will take care of him” just so I could get some rest. I had nurses who didn’t know me give me a hug when I needed it most. I also have memories of patients family that will never leave my heart and I hope I helped them get through a hard time, because I really did care very much. No the family’s don’t see the tears or the pain in our hearts some times but I have been on both sides and met great people on both.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for your comment. Your words are so true. God bless you.
Terri says
I train a lot of student nurses and I tell them that often we are seeing a patient at their worst, so we must always give our best 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
You are so right, and I try to always keep that in mind. Thanks for commenting.
Michael Czarnecki says
Like I tell all my nurses ThankYou For Who You Are And What You Do
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much!
Barbara says
I absolutely love your article. I’m a hospice RN and every day it’s a new roller coaster of emotion. I have many days where trying to be empathetic and supportive go awry but then I have diamond days where a pt will rally in my presence and you get to see them as they were and the hint of a smile on their face makes your eyes water and your heart swell. For me personally, every male cancer pt reopens the wound of losing my father in my last half of nursing school but I push through the flashbacks of his terminal agitation, and terribly managed pain and work that much harder to deliver the best end of life care I can give. Patients and families will never know what lies beneath, but they will know who we are at that bedside — angels in scrubs.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for commenting. I worked as a hospice RN directly after my mom’s death, so I understand what you mean. God bless you for what you do in that field. It’s a difficult, but very rewarding type of nursing. Thanks again.
Darin Hymel says
I took my s/o in to the ED of our local hospital with (unknown at the time) a bleed in his lung. We were immediately admitted and sent to ICU. He was on a vent from that night for the next 10 days. If i was awake i was there at his bedside. I got to know the ICU nurses very well. The level of skill and professionalism these ladies and gentleman showed was nothing short of amazing. Every day I made sure to let at least one of them know how much I appreciated them for taking such good care of the love of my life. Apparently they are not accustomed to people thanking them, It literally made each one I thanked glow.
Thank you to all the nurses doing the most insane job! You saved his life, and mine.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment. The happy ending made me smile. So thankful for his health, your wonderful experience, and your gracious attitude. God bless you both.
Alyssa says
I have been an RN for one short year but have learned so much about life nonetheless.y first patient death happened in January, my patient had a bleeding glioma in his brain that was non operable. He went unconscious, came back long enough to sign DNR papers, and slipped away again. He was transferred to me at 7pm and was dead at 8:53. I will never forget his wife’s concern about not hearing his heart and letting her use my stethoscope and listen to her husbands last heartbeat. The minute I had to listen for any voluntary breaths and a pulse was the longest in my life. It horrified me to know the next words I was going to say would make a mother collapse and a wife a widow. It was heartbreaking and terrible because this man was 27 years young. But I will never forget walking on my way out and being stopped by his wife and mother to share the most emotional embraces as they told me “thank you”. Thank you. How could they thank me for the reality I just handed them? It is a sacred time to be invited to when you care for someone who is dying. It is beautiful, terrible, and emotional at the same time. To share those moments with people is why I come to work even after the hardest shift I could ever imagine. It is my purpose. Thank you for your post, it sums up everything I wish people could understand about the complexities and blessings of our career.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the comment, the sharing of your personal story, and the glimpse of your lovely heart. God bless.
Joann says
Brie, Thank you for saying this so well…
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you 🙂
Joy Blevins says
When my husband had his kidney removed because of cancer, we had such great care from the nurses at our V.A. hospital. We expressed each time they came it to care for him because we were so thankful for their care. I am a scrapbooker & card maker & I spent the time while he was sleeping making cards to pass the hours. I gave them to the very special people who cared for him as we left the hospital. You would have thought I had given them a gold coin or something. One of the nurses said she had been nursing for almost 20 years & had never received a thank you card from anyone! I could hardly believe my ears. I wanted to give them something tangable to look at & read as a reminder for when they feel unappreciated, that theirs is not just a job, it is a ministry.
My niece is now studying to be a nurse. I see the time & effort she puts into her studies & how she strives for excellence. I have dear friends who are nurses. They are a special breed. I did not always do this, but the few times I have encountered a nurse that is a little brusk, or doesn’t have quite the bedside manner that is comforting, I pray for them. I figure there must be something happening in his or her life that is troubling them. I don’t automatically assume that they are an unkind person. After all, I’ve had bad days too & I’m not an unkind person!
As a person experiencing breast cancer for the 2nd time, I will encounter many nurses. I look forward to making their days brighter with a genuine smile, a good attitude, a warm thank you, and prayers for their lives.
God bless each and every nurse out there! Joy
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your personal story. You sound like someone I’d like to meet. Praying for you in this time.
Amy Scott says
This is a wonderful post! It speaks so much truth and sometimes I think the emotions of the patient and family members put them in a place they can’t seet anything else other than what is directly in front of them and most often times it is all fear based. Fear can do crazy things to a person, and it clouds everything else and sometimes results in those people lashing out, reacting instead of responding, and aggressive or irrational behaviors. As a nurse it is so important that we see beyond the fear and are able to be gentle and empathetic in the situation. To the patient and family member, they don’t really care that it took you longer to get to them because you have 4 other patients, or that you just spent 30 minutes getting beat up by that sweet little dementia patient with the UTI. All they can see is that THEY are in need and it’s our job as RN’s to meet those needs and make them better.
I try to approach my patients so they do feel they are my only one. It’s hard sometimes but they deserve that. I don’t have time to socialize with my co-workers and many times will clock out but still skip my lunch (not good practice, I know), simply because I am spending time sitting with my patients. I want them to know that I care, that I hear them, that they are not alone. If I can earn their trust, they will be much more understanding and less fearful.
I have been know to sit and pray with my patients, cry with them, sit with someone who is dying and aware they are dying and scared to be alone. My job as a nurse isn’t really a job. Yes, I get paid. Getting paid is necessary to pay for my education and mortgage, etc. And really that is just a bonus for me. Being a nurse is more of a mission field for me. I go to work every shift praying for each person that will cross my path, each life that I will touch and each life that will touch me. So often I get so much more from the patients. They grow me, they fill my heart with joy (even when I’m dealing with the combative dementia patient). In the last 9 years as a nurse, my life has truly been blessed by too many patients to count. I remember them fondly, and treasure the moments. You know, those moments that you just never forget.
It’s hard to put your own needs aside to take care of someone else. Especially when they are having fear based anger and come across as ungrateful. My goal is to leave my personal life, problems, stresses, boxed up real pretty with a bow waiting for me in my car at the end of my shift. Those 12 hours are a time to forget about me and give of myself to those who just need to know someone cares.
My job is not a job, you see. During those 12 hours I get blessed enough to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I know that I may be the only Jesus some of these people ever meet. I want to make sure I show them the purest for of love, compassion, gentleness and care.
Thank you for this post! There is nothing more true than the fact, we are nurses and we are also humans who have a life not that much different from our patients or family members. We hurt, we cry, we hold our emotions kept tightly safe from those who need us to be 100% on our game. We discount our own pain and take care of theirs. And we do it with a grateful compassionate heart. And walk away into the hall in tears, finding a place to “get it together” so we can move on and care for the next patient.
Being a nurse isn’t for the weak! It takes the right heart and right motive. I truly love being a nurse, even on those days I feel like I can’t do it one more minute. I keep going back, because it’s my calling, what I was born to become.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much for the great comment! I would pull a set of twelves with you any day! God bless you.
Amy Scott says
That could be good for the soul! 🙂 I’m not much of an ICU nurse so you might have to join my med/surg world. . . . mostly medical, not much surgery. I would be happy to have you by my side!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
🙂
Tammy says
Brie, wow is all I can say I have been a nurse for 19 years. Currently working on an orthopedic/ trauma unit. I can so connect with what you wrote. I lost my mother at the age of 59 after bypass surgery and it effected me greatly. Thanks so much for sharing “our” story. A patients family thanked us the other day for all our hard work and told us to keep up the good work. It’s nice to hear the appreciative praise every now and then. Thanks again.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much for the comment. Glad my post found you!
Kathy Cerrito says
I worked in critical care for a time as a PCT. I worked side by side with wonderful, caring RN’s. At the end of many shifts, I would go sit in my car and cry, dry my tears then take the ride home. Many times I would care for a patient who reminded me of my Mom who died unexpectedly, with no one there to hold her hand. I watched loving family members hold the hands of their parent or family member and thought of my Mom and how I wasn’t given that end of life gift…to be there. It would hit me especially hard, but I’d never let it show, making the comfort and care of the patient the top priority. Thank You for this article. All nurses are wonderful. I’ve never worked with one who was anything other than caring and compassionate.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing!
Kathy Cerrito says
One more thing I would like to say. Nurses, Techs all hospital personnel work hard and give it their all each and every day. One of the first things I learned was that we all can work together as a team and do everything we can for a patient…..Ultimately….God is in charge!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks. I totally agree!
Paulette Griswold says
I’ve been married 6 years and my husband and I have always been the kind of people that never got sick. No allergies, no disorders, no broken bones. Then on Christmas day of 2012 he had had “the flu” for a few weeks but it had gotten bad rapidly.. real bad. He could barely breathe when I brought him to the ER. Soon I found out he was in renal failure (5% GFR) and on the verge of a stroke. We were in the hospital for ten days during which he underwent testing, transfusions and dialysis. I was told it could be temporary but probably not, he was probably going to be on dialysis until he received a kidney transplant. This was by far the most terrifying week of my life. Most days I was alone. I did not go home. I slept on a chair next to his bed and held his hand through every dialysis treatment. Our world had crumbled and we had no idea why.
I noticed the stoic nature of the nurses but I’m used to it because I grew up with a father who was in and out of the hospital with heart failure. Even since I was child I recognized that calm and poise in the face of disaster and I would strive for it. I think even achieved it, to a degree.. but this particular week in the hospital was harder than any other, so in my moments alone I would break down. In elevators, bathroom stalls, and waiting rooms I would just fall to pieces until it was time to pick myself up again. It was a struggle.
One of the nurses assigned to his care was 8 months pregnant and she worked back-to-back 12 hour shifts the first few days he was there. She was the most caring and diligent nurse we had during his stay. I was so impressed and grateful. But the part I will NEVER forget follows.
It got bad enough that I would have to sneak out of the room for a quick little panic attack. At one point, I couldn’t make it to the bathroom so I ducked into a corner of a hallway near his room and sobbed into the shadow of the wall. That nurse was walking by and she stopped to put a hand on my shoulder. She said something like, “I know this his hard, but he’s going to be okay, you both will. It will all work out. He needs you, so go be his rock.” Despite her nonchalant, routine attitude in the hospital room, she took the time to offer me these words of support. I have NEVER been so moved by a stranger. I can’t even remember whether or not I hugged her, but it made all the difference in the world. I was able to stand tall after that and walk calmly back to his room. I was able to pick up the phone and call my mother-in-law to give her the news. I was able to tear myself away from the hospital to plow three feet of snow off my driveway and prepare the house for his homecoming. I was able to sit there and accept the news of his diagnosis (IGA nephropathy). I was able to take care of him, watch him endure pain, accept help and love and support from our friends and loved ones, help him through 18 months of dialysis, and (as of 3 weeks ago) help him through recovery from a successful transplant surgery. I was never positive that I would see this day and be able to say I did all of these things. Our marriage is stronger than ever, as am I. I’m not saying it all started with that one nurse, but she was the one who lifted me at my lowest point. That’s why I will ALWAYS treat nurses like gold.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for sharing your story of inspiration and hope. So happy for you both. I’m so glad you had a good experience in such a trying time. Thanks again.
Paige Rose says
I don’t usually read a lot of blogs and have never commented on them, but felt a need to after reading your wonderful post and a lot of comments that followed. I have been an ICU night nurse for almost 18 yrs now and still love my job to this day. During my profession, I have gone through a divorce, a fire right after Christmas losing everything I own including my 6 fur babies (I was at work when the fire broke out), been date raped and had a cousin commit suicide. Despite these tragedies, I would go to work with a smile on my face and a determination to leave my personal problems at home so as to not affect my job performance or make my patients feel like they were a problem or an obligation to me.
Another thing that most families and patients do not consider, and we have to be professional enough to shake it off when leaving a room, is the physical and verbal abuse that we endure. I always laugh at my friends who basically think we are just “pill pushers” and “bedpan” helpers and tell them they have no idea the emotional impact our jobs have on us or how physical our jobs are. I know I have had to hide my lower back pain and aggravation after having to pull the same patient up in bed for the 10th time because he/she keeps wriggling down. We maintain our composure to the best of our abilities.
We try and be strong for our patients and families as we deal with the death and dying. I have been known on several occasions to stay way past the end of my shift to be with my family of a patient who is actively dying because we do form bonds. I have also stayed just to sit with my patient and hold his/her hand when no family was present. No one should have to die alone, We then go to our cars or homes and break down after holding it together for 12+ hours. Most of us get into this profession because we care and want to help and make a difference in people’s times of need. I hope that if I ever become so hardened by what I do that I lose my compassion, that I will have sense enough to get out. No one WANTS to be in the hospital, esp the ICU. It is our ongoing job to provide as much comfort and compassion as we can because people deserve it, no matter what may be going on in our personal lives or in the room down the hall.
Thank you again for such a wonderful post!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting. So glad you started here. So sorry about your fur babies. Praying for you.
Jenny Sciffl says
I’m riveted by the article and the comments…I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t a nurse…
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Elizabeth McWhorter says
I can’t say enough wonderful things about nurses…you all really do it all! The nurses who took care of my son during his 18 day ruptured appendix stay saved his life. Yes, the docs were terrific too, but the nurses were ALWAYS there for us, giving my boy exactly what he needed when he needed it. He was admitted on his 15th birthday and our day nurse brought in a bunch of birthday presents for him just to let him know his day wasn’t forgotten. As if she wasn’t busy enough! If there was ever a time when they were as terrified as I was, they never showed it. They worked so hard for us! Our day nurse I told you about earlier gave me a huge hug when I told her my son would be discharged. Our nurses were the best. They became family to us whether they remember us or not…
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for commenting. So happy for your great experience during a difficult time.
Kathy says
What You May Not See About Your Nurse
“the general public will only see their nurse at face value. What I mean is they will only see the surface of the woman or man standing at their bedside, and will be unable to glimpse below the smooth surface staring back at them.” My question is this: Is there anything nurses can do to change that situation? Or is the onus on the patient, sick, bewildered, scared, and out of his or her own environment? With your professional and distant demeanor, are you perhaps resentful of your sick patients for not being able to read your mind?
“Nurses perform their duties with a smile, with an air of efficiency, and often what seems to be an indifference. You will not see their calm expression falter even as the feces hits the fan. You might see them stoic while you cry, or even laughing later in the hall.” Did you ever stop to consider how harmful this approach can be to your patients? I am living with the results of severe complications from a ruptured appendix (when I was 10 yrs old). I’ll often come in with ureter obstructions and small bowl instructions. They’re excruciatingly painful and I don’t want to die that way, looking at the cold, efficient indifference in my nurse’s and doctors eyes. But mostly I don’t want to hear my (adopted) teenage daughter tell me she heard you out in the hall laughing about my screams of pain. It’s happened twice. They didn’t know she was my daughter. So keep patting yourselves on the back for your “hidden” sensitivity to your patients needs. My daughter would tend to disagree.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m so sorry you took my words like you did. It makes me sad when people misunderstand me, or feel necessary to take the words I’ve spoken out of context. I’m sorry you’ve had bad experiences. Since I’ve never been your nurse you can’t really know how kind, personable, and empathetic I can be when I care for you. I won’t break your comment down and put segments of it in quotation marks because I don’t see that as necessary. Once again, I’m sorry you are so very unhappy. I hope making this comment on a stranger’s blog somehow helped you to feel better.
Sandra says
It isnt just nurses that need that recognition that they are human with feeling experiences and traumas we all need to do this for every person we meet. Understanding that each person is unique, has difficulties, strengths, weaknesses and needs our kindness and understanding. I have been a nurse for 22 years and I know exactly what you are saying, you want to be ‘seen’. You dont want to bear the brunt of patients fears expressed as anger towards us when we have done nothing to deserve that anger. We nurses need to accept that it is not personal and is a pressure valve that patients or families let go sometimes that makes a difficult job even harder and give them grace. My mom died in ICU last year in a hospital I did not work in. The nurses were not warm and friendly, they were distant at first. I got to know them though and they told me as did the doctor that most people did not ever say thank you to them. It was a rare thing for them to recieve any acknowledgement. After hearing that it made sense that they maintained a distance. It was selfprotection. They worked so hard and so well. They were sometimes doing a shift and a half because of short staffing. They did a great job caring for my mom and they let me stay with her the whole six days until she died. The one thing they didnt know was palliative care which a a whole other conversation and a passion of mine, but they were excellent people once you got to know them. I think having a family member there who was a nurse was difficult for them, I was sensitive to that though and was just a daughter who asked questions with some medical depth. 🙂 It broke my heart to watch my mom die and not be able to help her like I would if she were my patient when it was clear she was not going to get well. I tried to advocate for her and eventually got through to the doc. My dad died 3.5 months later in LTC with dementia. I too know sorrow of my own and have had work events I was truely traumatized over. I had to go back and journal about those experiences and rewrite them for myselfwhich really helped lessen the pain. mostly though I want to say we all need to look at each person we meet and see who they are recognizing they have their own problems and struggles. Whether they are a political figure or a street person each one has a story uniquely theirs and a life and loves, dreams and hopes,
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment. I agree with you.
Alison Oakley says
I had just started a new job, having moved to a new area. Having single parent problems, someone suggested phoning the local Community Health Centre….and I sobbed, I’ve just got a job there! Oh….
Found a local service, went for an appt – counsellor had someone going to the course I was meant to be in charge of the next night. She did tell me the next week that she was very impressed when her DIL came home to tell her how much she’d enjoyed the birthing class, and how interesting etc it was.
She told me she was impressed I’d made it from Gibbering Wreck of a Single Parent, to Childbirth Educator (first class and under supervision) in one day. Only she and I and the supervisor knew how stressed I was.
I don’t need people to be aware of my situation….but just some general courtesy does help at times. Even if people just say ‘sorry’ later when they’ve had a dummy spit at you, and you’ve worn it, because you know they are stressed
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment.
Erin says
I have been a nurse for 30 yrs working in the ICU and ER . I have seen many patients and their families in distress. I lost my mother at 32 yrs of age in an ICU under horrible circumstances and quite literally watched her drown in her own flds gasping for every breath. She had a young Doctor who felt giving her too many narcotics may depress her respiration and thus would be,in his opinion, euthanasia. Eventually my mother took her last agonizing breath but that experience changed me forever. It was the week that I returned back to work in ICU and had a pt in severe pulmonary edema gasping for breath that I had to leave the rm briefly and take a deep breath and try to maintain my composure and be there for the patient.. 20 yrs later I look back at that moment and realize I became a very empathetic nurse from that point on. Every pt I look after I see as a family member. I understand better about family reactions and know that it is NOT about me and to not take anything to heart. Since then I have lost my father in a Hospice setting under completely different circumstances and have seen how our way of treating patients is so much more humane now. His passing was difficult but was so much easier to grieve. I had NO guilt and for me families need to know that you treated their loved one “like one of your own” It is the guilt that people often react to in distress. The feeling of helplessness I will never forget.
I am a better nurse after life’s experiences and I pray that,
that doctor 20 yrs ago is as well.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for commenting and sharing your personal story.
Karen says
You are so right. People just dont always seems to understand what ANY healthcare worker may go through.
My dad was an ICU nurse for most of my lifetime and then a Tele nurse. When I was a kid, I used to get so mad at my dad when he would come home and joke about his night. it wasnt until MANY years later, when I was working in the same hospital with some of the same people I grew up around, that I finally understood. No matter what department you work in at a Hospital, you see and hear SO much. There are times that what you see and hear is so emotionally devastating, that if you dont or cant laugh, you will go insane… you will drive yourself into such an emotional hole that you cannot do your job effectively.
I used to prepare Chemotherapy for.in and outpatients. The day you prepare it for a loved one is one.of the most.heartbreaking of all days. Yet, I went and delivered it with a smile, made other patients smile, all the while choking back tears. So then, go on break… have a good cry…and go back to work.
Most people will NEVER understand.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the comment. God bless you.
dee2rites says
Beautifully written piece. My daughter is an ER nurse so I especially appreciate your words. Thank you and may God continue to bless you and cover you with His Grace.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind comment.
Deb Miller says
Although some days are truly dreadful, on others you feel tremendous joy and satisfaction for a job well done or a particularly delightful patient/family. Those are what I try to remember on the bad days. I feel more irked that the Doctor with his 10 minute visit gets more appreciation than the nurse with her 12 hour bedside care. Funny how few of the public realize their outcome and length of stay is largely dependent on quality nursing care
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for commenting. You are so right.
Sue says
I have been a nurse for the past 32 years and I am blessed with this profession. I have learned that not everyone is going to appreciate you, but the patients and families who do make up for those who do not. The company I work for encourages us to look into the eyes of our patients and try to see the face of God. This has helped me with some of the particularly difficult patients and families. My husband has been a soldier for the past 30 years and he truly has taught me how to be humble and grateful.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
What a great comment and suggestion of how to see others. Thanks so much.
Steven says
I have a very close friend who is a PICU nurse with nearly 40 years experience. I don’t know how nurses handle the stress, strain, the losses (especially children) and criticisms, the loneliness of the profession, the pettiness that sometimes rules the unit, and the inadequate staffing that is rampant today in a “cost over patient care” world. All I can say is: Thank God for Nurses! Yes, Thank God!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Katie Nelson says
Well said, Brie! I am a Nurse Practitioner, and an ER nurse prior to that. I recently “retired”, partly due to having a hard reconciling the inherent need to build emotional walls, and the desire to open my heart. I was very good at cutting off my emotions and keeping a poker face with patients and their families. They never saw when I’d break down in tears alone in my office at lunch, or after I would get home from work. What I would like to add is that many, if not most, of us came to be nurses *because* we have been in their shoes. For me, it was watching my brother lose his fight with leukemia when he was 17 years old. Years later, I stroked my father’s head in his hospital room as he left this world. Like you said, we *have* been there, and probably would not have become nurses if we hadn’t been there. Thank you for your post.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the comment and for sharing. 🙂
Viv Edge says
Very interesting read Brie.
I have been a nurse for 34 years and took really retirement last year from my role as a ward sister when my own circumstances ( the sudden death of my daughter) became too much to bear and rendered me without the ability to put on my nurses ‘mask’ on a daily basis.
Nursing is a vocation, we get paid to do it (albeit not enough!), do it because we choose to and because we ourselves get something back from giving, I’ve always been of the belief that if you don’t like it, don’t do it. However in recent years living in such a litigious society it’s harder & harder to do the job when patients /families are critical of everything we do, think they own us, think they know better & think they pay our wages etc, I’ve experienced people who are so rude it really can be a thankless job at times. This has always been far outweighed for me by the pleasure I got from making someone’s illness more bearable, their last days slightly easier and knowing I had given all I could and done my job well.
Don’t get me wrong I have never agreed with the ‘nurses are angels’ image or any other stereotypes given to nursing over the years but neither do I agree that nurses are there to be treated badly, we’re human too & respect should be a 2 way relationship in all walks of life.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for your comment.
Michelle says
Great article!!! I am also a nurse, having done surgical nursing for 6 years, then transitioning back over to OB. I find people think that I work in “the best place on earth”, (patients, visitors, and nurses from other areas of the hospital as well). On a good night, it absolutely is the happiest place on earth, but on a bad night it is the worst place!!! People tend to shut out of their thinking that bad things happen…….I find it infuriating when other nurses say things like “Ohh….you have it so easy…you get to feed babies all night”. What they don’t see is the heartbreak that takes place when you have to be in the room as the doctor tells the excited parents to be that their baby is no longer alive and that mom will have to go through the entire labor and delivery process only to go home empty handed. They are not there for the “crash” section because of a placental or uterine abruption, or a prolapsed cord. They have never handed a mother a dead baby that will never take a breath…..the baby they so anticipated would be perfect….but instead will never hear that baby cry, take a first step, or speak those beautiful first words “momma” and “dada”. They have never had to sit on the bed and hold the hands of grieving parents as they say good-by to the baby they never even got the chance to really say hello to. And they certainly have never had to wrap up a baby and walk it to the morgue to be placed on a wooden shelf. I love my job, and would never think of doing anything else in my career, but we take it home with us…..both good and bad, and we come back the next day to do it all over again. We are not robots who go through the motions without crying ourselves when the “plan” goes awry. We are a group of people….friends and yes a family that work together to bring life into the world, heal the sick and ailing, and respectfully take care of those that have passed. We have families of our own, and most of us…….no, ALL of us have experienced the loss of a loved one. We are sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters and we are care takers for our patients as well as our families. We have the BEST jobs in the world~!!!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting. My sister is a nurse in OB-GYN and I’ve often asked how she could handle losses like you describe above. She said the good days outweigh the bad for her. Thanks for what you do.
Penny Hummel says
Thank You, Brieann. I have been a nurse now for 30 years. Two years ago, I lost my Mom during open heart surgery. It has taken me all this time to process my grief, mainly because we have to be so stoic for families who need us to be strong. I give extra love to my OHS patients for this reason. Thank you for this lovely posting. Blessings to You. Penny Hummel, RN
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the comment Penny. I pray for God’s peace to envelope you.
~alan RN says
this was certainly a nice read to wake-up to. (if you think that patients at a hospital SLEEP all night, you’re quite mistaken). as a career night-nurse, i suppose the kindest compliment i occasionally received was when a patient would simply say: “please tell me that you’re working again tonight.” and once in a while, when after replying “no, i’ll be off for a few nights now;” i’d return to work to find that that particular patient had passed. don’t get me wrong, we nurses think very differently about a patient dying and we’re known to respond to such news of patient death by saying: “i’m happy for him” or “good for her!” in our own way, we experience the sometimes complicated emotional fodder of our jobs and we’re even uplifted by it.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the comment.
Patty Nehs says
This is such a great story. But it is just not the nurse’s it is also about the Critical Care Tech’s that work side by side with the Nurse’s. I have been a Critical Care Tech in the ICU for 15 years and there are times when I go home from a 12 hour shift and spend a little time with my husband before I go off to bed, so that I can get up and go back to another 12 hour shift. Many night before I drift off to sleep, I think to my self what else could I have done to make MY patient more comfortable. Could I have taken just another 5 more minutes to hold there hand or even rub there feet while there family was out taking a break. What is just 5 more minutes in a 12 hour shift ?, but there is always another call light going off, or another patient who needs something. And then I say to myself that tomorrow I will spend just another 5 more minutes with MY patient as I drift off to sleep. One of my biggest fears working in Critical Care was having to be a patient and having my Co~workers taking care of me, but to my surprise I was in that place and I did have to have my co~workers take care of me ventilator and all. But I always knew that they gave it there all and I could not have been put in a better place. There have been many night that when I lay in bed at night and cry, wondering what else could I have done or how bad that I feel for the family that has to go though all of this and I find myself feeling the same loss that they are feeling.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much for sharing and commenting. God bless you.
Shirley Bost says
I have seen first hand how compassionate nurses can be. Our 43 year old son was in intensive care for over a month, and I can personally tell you he had the most outstanding care and love from all the nurses on duty. When we finally reconciled there was no hope for recovery, they were way over the top caring for our son and for us, as family members, and their hearts were just as broken as ours were!! I can’t say enough how much their heart and souls went into making sure we were well taken care of, a well as our son, and they all cried right along side of us! Nurses are awesome and deserve a ton of credit! Thank you ICU nurses at Central DuPage Hospital in Winfield, IL!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting and sharing your personal story. So pleased your experience with nursing was so positive. God bless you!
Pat says
Thank you, Brie. Your words are a true testimony of what is felt by nurses around the world! While my husband has been in and out of the hospital for various things, ( triple-bi pass, stents, heart attack, more stents, cancer treatments) When he received the last of his cancer treatments he was met with certificates that he had finished radiation and chemo yahoo with smiles by all! He just received word yesterday that he was all clear from the biopsy they did on Tuesday!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting and sharing personally. So glad y’all’s experience was pleasant, and happy your husband’s health has improved!
Barb Willinger says
Brie, your article was amazing, and it is so great to read you blog, with all the comments! It reminds and comforts me to know how we nurses relate and understand each other! Most of us have kindred hearts, and the support we can receive, just by reading your blog is incredible! I was an active nurse for 35 years, and loved my career! However, at age 56 I became ill with chronic fatigue, and was terribly disappointed when I was unable to return to the career that I loved! it has been a devastating loss! However, my daughter is also a nurse, and it is wonderful for us to share her experiences of hospital nursing! It has given us an even closer bond! Thank you so much for your blog! It has added a lot of enjoyment and affirmation for me!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the great comment! I appreciate it so much!
Ivan laforge says
Truly selfless n thankless heroes !!
SO MUCH RESPECT … SO PROUD!!
Thank you for all that you do from the deepest part of my heart !!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much.
HaleyRN says
This couldn’t be more accurate and is described so well!! There are so many times when I leave one ER room full of tragedy to go to another when their case is minor and not emergent and they are so irate I want to tell them to go next door. Instead they beat you down even though inside you already are from what you’ve experienced. Nursing is a blessing and a curse. But I always add that the curses find a way to become blessings!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you Haley. Great comment.
wildstorm says
Beautifully written. I am a hospice nurse and so many times have experienced just what you described. To cope, I’ve allowed myself those periods of grief alone crying in my car, in the office, on the shoulder of a colleague. Fortunately in hospice care, there seem to be many more “thank you’s”. I can’t image doing anything else.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting. I was a Hospice nurse for three years, and it’s still my favorite type of nursing.
jen says
I’m just a patient… But I’m frequent enough to recognize my nurses, in Australia’s biggest trauma hospital. The Alfred. I have had some kind, some not knowing what they are doing but I have had some bloody good nurses on multiple wings of the hospital. Not only do I suffer from chronic pain – ortho’s a hesident to replace my sport induced arthritic hip at age 28 but suffer from an airway problem as well. A laryngeal subglotic stenosis. I’ve had 16 operations in the last 4 years based around my airway. (Had my first out of 5 hip op’s 8 years ago…)
I know how to scare people (I know I’m not invincible but when it’s at its worse I try to be…). As much as my hospitalisation is based around my airway but my hip pain complicates it I can only say thank you to the nurses – who have come to know me both in RESUS and on the multiple wards. They know by just one look between us to make that MET call. But during the times that are better, someone who recognises your name and that nurse who pops his or her head in just to say hello… I am greatful.
When your stuck between a rock and a hard place as a patient… It’s nice to get to know your nurse. We’ve laughed, we’ve joked and named machines that won’t stop beeping, but we’ve cried too.
I couldn’t ask for a better bunch of nurses than I’ve had.
Thankyou to the nursing unit around the world. I know your not done with me yet but nurses and orderlies make the wheels of the hospital turn over.
We’ve all heard that joke… A nurse can walk at any pace he or she likes to get your pain medication 😉
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the great comment. God bless you!
Lisa says
I’ve been a nurse 14 years and been able to have a mix of experience in Med/Surg, Peds, Telemetry, ICU, Hospice/Home Health and OR. I think OR nursing has been the biggest challenge. The nurse has 5-10 minutes to interact with your patient, trying to calm any fears and instill a sense of confidence that you will take care of him or her. I have cared for patients who are having a D&C for an incomplete miscarriage directly after suffering my own. I have worked floor nursing two days after having a breast biopsy and awaiting results. I have cared for a terminal cancer patient whose 19 yr old son and sister I worked with. These patients don’t remember me. The families have moved on. I remember. I remember my patients. Caring for my patients gave me a reprieve from my woes. Because when I walk through those doors, I am a nurse. I am the caregiver. I put on my invisible cape and carry my patients through the heartache and pain. My career is my escape. And I can also hold my patients hand as she is induced and tell her I’ve been there, we will take care of you, you are stronger than you know. Life makes us better nurses. Our patients make us better nurses. Whether they remember us or not.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Beautiful. Thank you.
sue says
Brieann, I just saw this on Facebook. I see that you blogged it in July and it is now six months later. But it is a timeless post. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I have been a nurse for 37 years, mostly in peds, mother-baby and NICU. I have had many interesting experiences that my non-nurse friends will never have. I have been a transport nurse, a staff nurse and a weekend house supervisor.
I feel blessed to be in this profession even though we are maligned at times, not only by our patients but by administration, doctors and even other nurses. Things have changed in a lot of ways since I was a young novice. Doctors (the smart ones!) value nurses more. They realize that it is beneficial because we are the ones with the most information about our patients. We are with the patient longer and see trends and issues the doctors may not see by reading the charts and popping in for 5 minutes. We are treated more like colleagues than “underlings” like in the 1970’s when doctors were “gods.” So many times I heard, “You’re such a good nurse, why don’t you ‘go on’ to be a doctor.” That always puzzled me because we have different roles. I tell people that doctors focus on “curing” while nurses focus on “caring.” To me, it would like asking an electrician why he doesn’t become a plumber. They both work on houses but their roles are totally different.
Another thing that has changed is nurses are paid better than we used to be. My mom was a nurse for 25 years and her salary in 1974 was $2.60 an hour. I started at around $7.00 US. A few months later, I received a significant raise because the hospitals were losing nurses who were going to work at the grocery stores for $10 an hour and not having to put up with all the politics and bad situations at the hospital. Now, in 2015, nurses are making much more. In our Midwestern community, the average hourly wage is $33. Experienced nurses like myself make around $40-45 an hour. Some specialties pay more. Some hospitals offer incentive pay for working overtime. It used to be that nursing was regarded as a “calling” so we “shouldn’t expect” to get paid as much as other professions. After all, we were like nuns who were offering our charitable services to hospitals and patients. Thank goodness that has changed! Nursing is more complex now, too, so higher wages are deserved.
Nursing is a highly regarded profession and year after year, we are #1 on the lists of “most trusted professions.” With these changes come expectations from others and I think we are up to the task. Nurses have proven that they are caring, but also intelligent, knowledgeable people with expertise unique to our profession. We are getting better about articulating what we do, but we still have a ways to go. People still think we are task-oriented and that we aren’t “doing” anything unless we are performing a task. They don’t realize that we are teachers, counselors, advocates and resource coordinators. And we have our own lives and families, too.
I enjoyed reading the many stories that your blog entry elicited. I think telling our stories is one way to let the public know what it is we do. I would encourage nurses to write and publish their stories. I have stories in a couple anthology books and it is a good way to “spread the word.” Anthologies such as the Chicken Soup series have editions dedicated to stories told by nurses and patients. It may be a little late now, but Chicken Soup for the Soul has a nursing edition coming out sometime in a year or so that they are looking for submissions right now. The deadline is January 15, 2015, so the time is coming up soon! http://www.chickensoup.com/story-submissions/possible-book-topics But, look online and you will find other anthology series, looking for stories.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the great comment. Honored to share in the profession with you. And thanks so much for the link! I loved their last edition.
Ron Meyer says
My dear Mother passed away three years ago in an ICU after complications from surgery. It was a shock. The nurses were great,, especially one of them. She was SO compassionate, not only with Mom, but with our small family. I often wondered how she did this job while allowing herself to become emotionally involved.
I think,,, maybe,,, that she allowed herself to grieve with us when Mom died,,,, she even came to the funeral,,, on her lunch break,, in her nurses uniform,,,,
I dunno,,, but I HAVE to tell you all that this woman held me up a few times throughout the ordeal,, and I don’t know how I would have made it through that time without her. God bless her, and all of the nurses everywhere.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your personal experience. It touched my heart. God bless you.
Kirsten Lawrence says
As a new grad RN only just trying to find my feet in the world of nursing this hits home so hard. So many people often come at you on the offensive without a second thought. At times it can leave you so defeated. But i believe this is what drives us to be better. Empathising with my patients drives me to do everything in my power to alleviate the suffering, if only to make at little easier than it was for me. What an honour it is, to be able to do something about the suffering of another.
B Shaw says
I have been: the Mum of a 2 1/2 month preemie (spending two months practically living in the NICU), the Mum of a severe asthmatic (with too many hospitalizations to even count), the Mum of a skateboarding/bike riding boy who seems to attract cars (putting Life Star, wheelchairs and casts in our lives), a woman with severe female problems (requiring over five surgeries and enduring insufferable pain), a patient with EXTREME sensitivities to sedating/pain meds (who refuses most pain meds, no matter how many times a caregiver tells me “This is different, I’m giving it to you”), the daughter of a mother with mental illness (requiring extra attention for her hospitalizations), the fiancé of a stroke and TIA victim (with a reserved seat in the neurotrauma unit for weeks on end), and the victim of a careless driver (who left me with a TBI and numerous life altering physical/mental ailments). I have spent soooo much more time in (many different) hospitals than I ever wanted to, and one thing I have noticed is that, with rare exception, whatever caring reason nurses say they went into the field for, I think most have forgotten it. I’m saying this with measured words and truth from interaction with many a nurse/APRN. With the exception of my fiancé’s neurotrauma nurses, my and my family’s treatment by nurses/APRNs has been worlds apart from what you describe, despite our treatment of them with respect and dignity. Perhaps you should look at things from the eyes of patients who have been victims (and I don’t use that word lightly) of miscare, forced drugs, impatience, inattention, callousness and failure to listen. I have given many kudos from the heart to the nurses whom I thought did their jobs in an exemplary way, letting them know how much I truly have appreciated their efforts- writing to their hospital directors, remembering them at the holidays, sending them gift baskets, etc. I truly respect them. But, as you’ve gathered, I’ve had all too many nurses that have made my and my family members’ lives close to living hells when hospitalized. Just as you ask patients to think of your baggage you have with your (chosen) job and home life (as we all do), please think of us patients in our hours of need and pain. We never chose or want to be there, or in that way. Thank you very much.
suebee51 says
I am sorry you have experienced so many health issues, both yourself and your family members. I am sorry you have had less than stellar experiences with so many nurses. I believe your experiences are the exception rather than the rule, as least here in the USA. Year after year, nurses ranked highest in the US among other professions as far as trustworthiness and caring go. Nursing is considered the most ethical profession. americans-rate-nurses-highest-honesty-ethical-standards.aspx
We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all need forgiveness. My gut reaction is that your situation is unique and that the frequency with which you have had to use the health care system has lent unfavorable situations for you and those caring for your family. It may have become a vicious cycle where your expectations and standards have been tainted by past experiences which in turn have alienated you from those who should be taking care of you and your family. It has become the “same old, same old” for both you and the nurses, spiraling downward. You expect to be treated poorly, so you are. You have lost confidence in the nurses and they aren’t too fond of you either. Not that is right, but I am simply pointing out that human nature is such that things like this happen. The adage, “You can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar” stands true. Both sides could use a little more honey and less vinegar.