I keep seeing a lot of blog posts or lists floating around that state something like “9 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a New Mom” or “15 Things You Should Say to Your Spouse,” and I just love them. I can’t help it. Each time I read one I’m shaking my head up and down in agreement and usually laughing out loud. After reading a number of these type of posts I’ve often thought Gee, somebody did say that to me! It got me to thinking, and I decided to add my own rendition to the many lists out there, but with my own signature twist of course.
This isn’t what people should have said, or shouldn’t have said. It’s a list of ten things people have actually said to me since I became a mother:
1. “I wish I was still in my pajamas.” I once had a saleswoman come to my door pedaling cable/internet bundles. When I opened the door she busted out with this gem. Needless to say, I didn’t switch cable providers that day.
Granted it was one in the afternoon, but I also had a newborn in the crook of my arm. She was lucky I heard the door at all over my own wails of exhaustion. The thing was, I wished I wasn’t in pajamas still. I wished I could get a shower and get dressed like her. She even had make-up on for goodness sake.
At the time, her comment just made me look down at my stained PJ bottoms in shame. I almost wanted to cry. In retrospect I’m sure that was my hormonal imbalance.
2. “I can see your breast from over there.” I can remember with my first child being very uncomfortable with the whole breastfeeding in public thing. Even with a nursing cover I still didn’t feel at ease.
Once while on vacation my infant daughter was screaming to nurse. I got up from my hot meal and a table full of family and left the restaurant. I walked way past the crowd waiting at the door, and I found a secluded park bench 100 yards from civilization. Then I draped a blanket over myself and my child in the 90 degree heat.
Then a stranger walked up out of nowhere to let me know she saw a sliver of my white flesh from two buildings away. Thanks lady.
3. “So what have you guys done all day?” First off, I’m sure this was an innocent inquiry. Most questions from acquaintances are, but at the time it rang in my ears quite differently. I heard, “What do you do all day, anything?!”
My own guilt over being unable to do more than the bare minimum required to keep my children fed, bathed, and loved on left me feeling like less of a mom. We had actually spent all day getting ready to go out in public, an occurrence that hardly seems worth it when you have babies. At the time this question wasn’t one I wanted to hear.
4. “Did you tell your Mommy how late it is?” Yeah. So this question actually came delivered to my two year old at the time, but it was meant for my ears. I’ve never understood why someone voices a question to a baby when it’s meant for their parent. I’ve also never understood why a stranger feels it necessary to tell me how to parent.
It’s seven o’clock and I’m trying to check-out and get home so I can put tons of groceries away with one hand while holding my two year old with the other, and all this while seven months pregnant, lady! Believe me, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to be. Minding your own business in this situation would be a good way to avoid getting stabbed in the throat. Pregnancy hormones are unpredictable. Just saying.
5. “Must be nice not to work full-time!” Okay, so I actually have gotten this comment more than once, and I don’t usually mind it. After all, it is nice. I enjoy having the opportunity to only work part-time. I went to college, and my education and experience have afforded me the chance to work less and mother more. It is nice. I agree.
When this statement is not appreciated is when it is accompanied by certain facial expressions, a rolling of one’s eyes, or the added comment, “I know you’re all rested up from not being here” when I do arrive to work.
No, actually I’m exhausted. I’ve been up with a teething baby all night and I’ve been raising tiny humans for the past five days. I think sometimes we all just need to try and put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Most people are tired and overworked, no matter what you do all day.
6. “Who watches your kids during the week?” I’ll still never understand this question. It came from someone who knew I worked every weekend so I could be off during the week. They knew I had two young children. I guess I just assumed they realized I stayed home with my kids all week rather than taking trips alone to the spa.
I learned that day never to assume anything, and never to overestimate the thought processes of others.
7. “You’re still breastfeeding?! Isn’t that weird?!” This question came when I continued to breastfeed after my child’s first birthday. It’s actually come several times in varying forms from different people.
I’m sure they don’t mean to offend me or my personal choices. Sometimes people view something as odd that they’ve never done personally, and that’s ok. I mean, it’s not, but I don’t get too upset. I just keep doing what I feel is best for my family, smile, and try to answer that question honestly. “We’ll stop when we’re both ready.”
8. “I just couldn’t bring my kids into this hateful world. I’d feel selfish!” I want to understand this statement. I want to support it. I don’t want to take it personally, but I do.
Having decided to bring not one, but two children into this world, I take mild offense at this statement. Maybe that’s wrong, but I can’t help it. I respect your opinion and personal decision to not have children. I just ask you respect mine, and try not to criminalize the act of childbearing.
9. “I see you’re finally starting to lose the baby weight!” This is a good one. You mean well, you wisher of compliments. I know you do, and I’m sorry this comment makes me wince a little on the inside.
It’s all me really. After the crazy changes to my body following nine months of pregnancy, I’m a little on the sensitive side. I hear the word “finally” and think yep, it’s taken forever. I also wonder to myself, was it that noticeable? Did I gain that much?!
10. You’re thinking of having another baby?! Aren’t you worried about birth defects? There’s so much wrong with this that I don’t even know where to start. And this came from family, God love them.
First, it’s my reproductive freedom to decide when and if I want more children. It’s between me and my husband. We’ll pray about it and seek God’s counsel. We’ll be in communication with my OB-GYN. Secondly, even if there was a birth defect, this would change nothing. We would love our perfect angel no matter what.
But lastly, dang, I’m not that old am I? I can hear my own biological clock’s tic without your help. Sigh.
When it comes down to it, though, I know that no one meant to hurt my feelings or speak inappropriately. Most were strangers who didn’t know anything about my life, others acquaintances who barely knew any more. Family will often say things out of line because of the comfort level you share, and anyone I mentioned above that I know has agreed to participate in the post for humor sake. After all, if you can’t laugh, you might just cry.
And I know I’ve probably said something crazy without thinking before. That’s what makes those “things you shouldn’t say” posts so great. They’re needed!
So what’s something someone has actually said to you since becoming a mother? Comment below.
Dawn Shea says
I had someone ask me once not that long ago, “Are all of those yours?” And pointed towards my four children. I said yes and she countered with ” trying for a girl, huh?” At this point my politeness was wearing thin so I smiled and said “actually no, we love our children and had them because we wanted more children!” Not that I wouldn’t love a little girl because I would be lying if I said so but I love all of my children regardless of gender. Also if you’ve ever lost a pregnancy (or three) your just glad to get whatever God sees fit for you to have. My husband told me many years ago when he and I started the parenting journey that we would have as many kids as we decided to have together as a team. Does that mean another baby Shea down the road? Possibly 😉
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Love this comment Dawn! I know what you mean. I’d love to have a son, but if God wants to bless me with more daughters, then I’m ecstatic for it. It’s not like the choice is mine. Lol. I love big families!
Jan Liu says
My mother exclaimed after I told her I was pregnant with #3 at age 40, ” I think you’re crazy, but if it’s what you want I’m all for it”. I had miscarried a few months before and we were very excited about our good news. FYI…I was 35 and 37 when we had our other children. No problems with any of the pregnancies. Your clock has plenty of time!
Also, once at the park I was asked if I was the nanny and another time asked where my kids were from. My husband is Asian and I’m as Caucasian as they come. My kids now refer to themselves as Hybrids. When little, they’d say “My daddy is Chinese and my mom is a nurse”. Yeah, our own breed!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Haha! That’s funny! I’ll bet you do get some off the wall comments though! Thanks for the pep talk. I still think my ovaries are in their twenties!
Evelyn mcLemore says
When I was pregnant with my second bady and miscarried it, I was told to be greatful that something was probable wrong with it and it was Gods way of not putting me through that. I have also been told the same thing as you about bringing poor little children into this world in this day and time, poor things dont have a chance! If God made them and blessed me with them, then they do have a chance! I love my children and step son very much and wouldnt take anything for them.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Ohh, those comments are awful! Sometimes people just don’t think before they speak.
Ashley says
Hi! I have read a few of your blogs posted of Facebook by friends. I enjoy them so much I had to subscribe!
I want to add an inappropriate comment I received. It happened the day after coming home from the hospital from having a c-section delivery. My son was literally 5days old. I hear a knock at the door and drag my post parteum post surgery body to the door. When I open the door the elderly couple from across the street was standing on the step and the older man looks at me confused ( also still in my dirty old PJs) and says “Oh! I thought you done had that baby!!”
I have never been as close to pushing a fraile old man off the porch.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
First off, yay! Thanks for subscribing. So glad to have you here.
I read your comment and I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head they opened so wide when I saw that last part! I can’t believe he said that. Oh my!
Thanks again for commenting and subscribing!
ckramercoaching says
I feel your pain! After having my third child, I was at the grocery store with him and my husband. My son was in the carseat in the cart right next to me and someone I know asked, “When are you due?” SERIOUSLY????? He’s right here! Ugh. Many times people have no filter and speak without thinking.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Oh no! I’m amazed at the type of people who exist among us.
Liz says
“Y’all don’t plan to have anymore, do you?!!”
“Wow, she has her daddy’s big head! How did you manage pushing that out?!”
Mind you, we are only 19 & 21 – Hadley is our first & (hopefully) our last for at least a couple of years but they still decided to plant their decision in a garden it never belonged in!
The second one is just blatantly disrespectful. I pushed her out just like anyone else would, her “big head” caused absolutely no problems during our labor. Proud of my beautiful baby anyway! LOL.