I found myself in a funk this morning. I guess what bothered me the most was its lack of cause. Maybe it’s easier to admit that you feel bad when there’s some tangible reason behind it all, or at least it is for me. But today I couldn’t pinpoint the cause for my down mood. It was just there.
I subsequently found myself being drawn to spend some time apart with God. I could feel this desire within me to stop in all my busyness and just take a moment to listen to Him. I wasn’t sure if He had some brilliant thing He wanted to impart or what. I just knew I felt strongly that this was what I needed to do.
As I sat there with two young children in my lap I realized I hadn’t taken a moment of silence in a while, and I wasn’t surprised. I was smack dab in the middle of an existence where I found little time for much of anything. I almost always felt like I needed to be doing this or that, but somehow fell short.
I needed to load the dishwasher. Not wanted to load it; I needed to load it. The sink was always in a state of overflowing. There was laundry to fold. Again. I could go on and on with the housework, but just trust me when I say there was about a dozen household chores requiring my attention.
In all that home maintenance I barely found time for the extra stuff I liked to do. I realized we hadn’t done any educational crafts or lessons in a week, and I felt a momentary stab of mommy failure. I pushed it away quickly so as not to become compelled to start pulling out the flash cards.
I wanted to write more. Sitting at the computer at 1am just wasn’t cranking out the quality I felt my second book deserved, but it was the only time I had left! I felt another stab of guilt, spousal failure if you will, for not spending that time with my husband. I wondered once again why the childless, quiet hours passed so quickly.
I knew I hadn’t taken the time to do my daily devotional book in days, and I made a promise to myself, once again, to try harder to fit that in to my day. As I tried to fend off any guilt over that one, I remembered that I still hadn’t even gotten the baby’s book completed. Strike that. I hadn’t even started on it! Ouch.
But at that moment all my three year old wanted was for me to hold her. She had held me before bed the night before and had whispered, “you didn’t give me any snuggles today.” We had spent so much time outside making fun that we had forgone the cuddle time, and she noticed. I never wanted to not have time for cuddles.
But then sometimes I just wanted some time for me, some silence or something. Crazy thing is, sometimes I even felt guilty about that one. Sometimes.
All I knew was I kept feeling like I really needed that silence, but I needed to spend it with The Lord. Just listening. So I took off for the bathroom hoping to hear the voice that seemed to be calling out to me so intensely.
Within moments of settling myself before The Lord (which just so happened to be on the commode), I began to pray. This was nothing new, the praying. I spend most of my day in prayer, talking to God as I go about my day. I wake up thanking Him for a good night sleep, or I thank Him for my babies as I look at their beautiful faces. I say “forgive me” a lot, especially when I lose my patience with those same beautiful faces. I’ll pray for other folks, and talk to God about my dreams and desires. It’s a constant communication throughout the day as I speak to my God, but I know that most of the time I’m the one talking. Poor God. 95% of the time I just jabber away. But taking the time to silence my repetitive prayers and listen? Well, that’s another story. That takes time and commitment. Talking is easy. Listening is a bit more difficult.
But I did just that. I began to silence my self and listen. Then my child came into the room, talking nonstop about all the things she found most important. I said out loud, “I don’t know how I can listen to God with y’all talking all the time!”
She looked around the small bathroom and said with a grin, “I don’t hear Him talking.”
So, take two. I realized that finding the time to listen to God was going to be almost as hard as carving out a moment to tackle that baby book. But I did it. I found the time to be still and listen, and I didn’t even have to sedate the children. I got creative and I managed to find my time to hear Him. I knew it was like those cuddles. Both were something I couldn’t miss out on because of a busy schedule.
The great thing about listening to God is He always tells you exactly what you need to hear. I hadn’t known the cause, or even if there was one, of my downcast mood, but He had known. I listened and I felt the answers to questions I wasn’t aware that my heart was asking.
I knew I didn’t need to feel down about my circumstances or the situations that I felt remained up in the air. I knew that from the moment I had prayed for a conclusion that my God had begun to work on the solution. I knew as I listened to my Lord that I couldn’t let discouragement rule my day, and allow it that hold over me. When my day tries to say “you’ll never,” I can say, “He already has!” From the moment I asked, He had begun, He had set it into motion. And I guess sometimes you have to be quiet to hear the truth. You have to find the time apart to be still and listen. Today, I’m glad I did.
Denise says
Brie you are such an awesome writer. You express your feelings very well and always manage to hit a chord of mine. Thank you for your openness and honesty.. And thank you for confirming to me and others that we are all alike in this world.. Our paths parallel one another and sometimes cross too.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for the sweet comment. It’s so encouraging to me!
Sherry says
Once again I feel the connection with you. I’m up early 5am. My 16 mth granddaughter is crying and I’m looking for answers. Lord how can I do this ? I have 2 more weeks before I return to work , Lord I need to stop and listen not just talk to you! Brie you have been talking to me so many times I wake early each morning waiting to see what’s next from your blog and there is always something right there speaking to me! Sincerely thanks !
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! With the mood I was in as I wrote this particular post (not the best of moods), I simply prayed God would let it be read by those who needed to hear its contents, even if that was just one person. So glad it was read by you. Your comment encourages me in my writing. I pray God gives you that extra measure you need today. Thanks again.