Earlier this week I spent a beautiful spring day with my children at the park. It was quiet with hardly any other people present, something I personally enjoyed. After an hour or so though a grandmother appeared with her two grandsons to play.
My three year old honed it on other children. While I’m pretty cool at pretend games, she loves nothing more than kids around her own age.
I sat in the distance watching her play, and looked on as she approached the rowdy twosome of boys a few years older than herself.
“Can I play with you?” She asked shyly.
The boys continued to play, and I was uncertain if they couldn’t hear her or if they were just simply ignoring her. After all, she was a girl. And she was three.
In my head I urged her, Speak up baby. Ask again.
Our telepathic connection sparked and she persisted, “Hey! Can I play with you guys?”
I let out a sigh of relief as the boys answered, “sure,” and together they all ran off in search of playground adventure.
I felt silly being so concerned over such a small incident, but I couldn’t help myself. I longed for my little girl to be accepted, and to fit in. I didn’t want her to be like me.
A square peg.
I had just never fit in. Not completely. It wasn’t for lack of trying. It just didn’t seem to be what God had in mind when He made me. He definitely broke the mold.
As I’ve gotten older, and maybe a bit wiser, this has bothered me less and less. I got to a point after many missteps and heartache where I realized I loved being me. No one else. Just me.
This isn’t an easy place to arrive to, and I’m certainly not fully there if my reaction to my child on the playground is any indication.
I was born in California, a Navy brat, and found myself the new kid with seven different schools under my belt by the age of eight. I was the child caught in the aftermath of divorce, and then the kid trying to adjust to an adoptive father and new family.
I was the kid with a different accent. Or I was the sick kid. Or I was the older sister with a different dad.
I was the late-bloomer. I was the pre-teen still playing Barbies and wanting nothing to do with make-up. I was the flat-chested girl. I was the strange, awkward teen who always said something weird. Maybe I was even the kid who tried too hard to fit in and always came up short.
It doesn’t really matter. There were plenty of things that contributed to my personality and all the little quirks that made me not quite fit in with the status quo. But I think it just came down to the fact that I was different.
I was a square peg in a world of round holes.
I grew up in a world that had certain standards of normal, and most of those still hold their weight in today’s society.
You need to be pretty, but not too pretty or you’re vain.
You need to be thin, but no too thin or you’re anorexic.
Your family needs to be wealthy, but not too much. You don’t want to be a stuck-up rich kid. But God forbid if you’re a poor kid!
You need to be intelligent, but not too smart or you’re a nerd.
You can’t be a virgin or you’ll be labeled a prude. But you can’t be promiscuous or you’re a whore.
You need to be involved in extra-curricular activities, but not so many that you’re a teacher’s pet or a fake.
You can be unique or quirky, but don’t dare be too different. It’s a fine line to walk, being your own person without being an outcast.
It doesn’t change as you age. It just takes on a different face.
It’s cool to become a mom and dote on your kids, but not too much. You don’t want to spoil them or make them feel entitled.
Dress your children nice, but not too nice or you’re “uppity.”
Let them get dirty, but not too dirty or you’re neglectful.
Be involved with their school, but not too much or you’re overbearing.
We won’t even talk about homeschooling. That’s so weird!
It’s good to take them to church, but don’t push fanatical religion. A little bit of God on Sunday and Wednesday is good. Unless there’s a ball game.
Wear make-up woman! But not too much or you’re high-maintenance. Not enough though? You must not care about your appearance. Your poor husband.
Get involved in PTA. Sell something, like make-up or jewelry, but just for fun. Don’t try to excel at sales. That’s annoying.
You need to hang-out with your adult friends! But not too much or there must be trouble at home. If you spend too much time with your spouse then you’re unsocial.
I could go on and on. There seems to be so many standards set by society of what’s normal, and if you fall outside of that spectrum then you’re different. You’re an oddball. You’re a square peg.
I wanted it to be different when I became a Christian. I was adopted into the family of God and by everything He taught I felt certain I would finally feel normal. But I didn’t. Not at first anyway.
At the beginning I felt like even more of an outcast. I was a new Christian. I didn’t have the background or the biblical knowledge I saw in my peers. I wasn’t sure how God could use someone so green.
It took a lot of healing and persistence for God to change a mindset established by mankind. I had spent so long basing my worth on what people thought that I didn’t know any other way.
You can say you don’t care what people think, but if you look at your motivations and why you pursue what you do in life, you may realize it does matter to you. It affects you far more than you realize, this lie that you must conform to the world.
I was once told by a wise man that I “was indeed a square peg,” but that “God had made me that way for His purposes.”
And I suppose that’s the word of motivation we all need to be ourselves, and more importantly be proud of that. To know that you were designed uniquely by your Creator for a specific purpose is uplifting and makes you feel “normal” or “worthy” in His eyes, an opinion that matters utmost.
As I watched my daughter run to play with her two new friends I knew I didn’t need to worry. She might very well end up being different. I could certainly hope so. To be set apart for His purposes is a fine calling indeed.
There’s nothing wrong with being a square peg. If you find yourself being different just remember God created you to be you. No one else. He has a place in mind for you. Who ever said a hole had to be round?! He has a square hole where you will fit perfectly.
Psalm 139:14 ESV
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
David Gladwin says
Thank you for a smile! As a man who has rambled the world for 60 years I found there are plenty of holes but they shrink and constrict you after a while so you bounce on…….
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. I know exactly what you mean.
Chasity says
I always thought you were a rock star, but the parts of you that you thought made you stand out, really did. It made you shine.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you my friend. You were my rock, my side-kick, my very best friend in a time when I needed it the most. I’ll always be grateful for our friendship.