The sun felt so good! The warmth of the Springtime rays radiated off my pale legs as I kicked back soaking up the “feel good” of all that Vitamin D. This was the life!
For a moment I almost felt like a teenager again. All I needed was some lemon juice for my hair, tanning lotion, and good tunes emitting from my purple jam box.
Then I got soaked by a three year old wielding a water hose, and that was all I needed to bring me back to reality. The only tunes we’d be enjoying were the songs from Frozen as it blared from her bedroom. It had been on a constant loop of play since its purchase a month prior.
The only lotion I used prior to going outside was sunscreen not tan accelerator. What with skin cancer and wrinkles to be concerned with, I was without a choice.
Other than for an ingredient in a recipe, the last time I’d used lemon juice was on my nipples to try and wean a breastfeeding toddler. I certainly wouldn’t be putting it on my hair. You had to shower that stuff out, and didn’t nobody have time for that!
Indeed my life had changed. Most days it was straight chaos. I looked around and wondered when my life had taken this crazy detour. I loved it, don’t get me wrong, but it was insane to say the least. I often felt like I had gone off a cliff of mental stability, driven in a clown car by my offspring.
I felt like Alice in Wonderland, and I was gazing through the looking glass. And what I saw was a disorder called Parenthood. It had taken hold of me and infected my previously normal thought processes. I realized that overall I was good, but some days I felt a little crazy. Know what I mean?
If you’re still unsure if you’ve lost it completely then you might want to take this little test along with me. Here’s five emotional markers that might just indicate that being a parent is making you crazy.
1. Mood swings. You always love them. That is the one constant you can hold on to, but if you like them at a particular moment is a completely different story. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then I want to come live with you for a while. Or maybe my kids can. Just for the night. Because Momma needs a vacation!
I love my little darlings more than life itself, but sometimes I just want to run away. I look at them and can’t believe how much I love another human being! They make life worth living. They fill me with a joy I never knew I could experience, and I can’t imagine my life without them! But then I’m ready for them to go to sleep.
I love them more than the air I breathe! They make my life complete. But then I just want them to stop talking, to stop asking me for stuff, to stop saying “Momma, Momma, Mom, Mom!”
I miss them when I’m away from them. So much! But when I can’t poop alone, I want them to go away!
I love taking a bath with my girls. But I also crave a bath by myself. I love cuddling with them, but sometimes I just need some space.
I’m filled with overflowing joy and contentment. But then I’m ready to scream in frustration and cry from feelings of failure and guilt.
Mood swings. Welcome to Crazytown.
2. Rage. Oh man! I hate this one. Like the thought of rage fills me with rage. The fact that I have moments of rage makes me so angry at myself. Crazy, right?
I can be trooping along just fine, not a crack in my calm and patient demeanor. Then, bam! A moment of unsolicited rage.
Crazy thing is it doesn’t happen when you think. That might be more understandable. It doesn’t happen when we’re headed out the door in a rush and the three year old pees two gallons of urine in the bathroom floor after I spent all morning cleaning it in a valiant effort to remove the previous urine smell. No. In these moments I’m relaxed and cool as a cucumber. I pat a tiny head, give a tender hug, and say, “It’s ok baby. Accidents happen.”
But then I get interrupted by a cranky child while I’m focusing on something I consider important like balancing the checkbook and I suddenly want to flip out. Thank God most of the time I don’t, but honestly, sometimes I do. I yell a little too loud. Maybe I say something I regret immediately, or let a cuss word fly. I’m filled with immediate remorse. I hug my babies and I feel straight-up crazy.
3. Emotional instability. While we’re on the subject of mood swings and anger, let’s not forget the emotional frailty parenthood brings. I’ve always been a little tender-hearted. I cried during the movie Beaches and My Girl. So I’m not cold or devoid of emotion, but I’ve never felt like such an emotional wreak as I do since I had kids.
After childbirth, aside from all the shifting of weight and gravity changes to mammary tissue, I also apparently relocated my heart. I placed it on my sleeve. I am in fact susceptible to breaking into a torrent of tears at the drop of a hat. I thought this would improve as hormones regulated, but no such luck.
It’s not even just related to my kids. Sure I cry at the beauty of my children, but I also weep at the splendor of another’s. I recently wept while watching little girls I didn’t know performing a ballet number. Subsequently it was to the Frozen soundtrack. As if Disney didn’t make me cry enough before, it’s even worse now.
Even things that are not that sad make me cry. Some of my favorite moments of insane tearful explosion are during the Thriller scene of 13 Going on 30 and while watching cheerleaders perform in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. One word. Crazy.
4. Inability to focus. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
You know where I’m coming from with this one, right? When you become a parent you suddenly are thrust into a world where you must take care of more than just yourself. While attending to the additional responsibility of another human life, you are confronted with new tasks that must be learned, sudden worries and concerns that were never present before, and a severe lack of sleep and ability to concentrate.
You suddenly have all this extra stuff to do and absolutely no time to do it! You think back to all the time you spent childless sitting on your butt and you’re dumbfounded. Where does it all go? You want to just enjoy the experience, but you feel responsibility tugging you in multiple directions.
You end up having about 23 different things you’re doing at once, and each activity is disrupted by an immediate need prior to completion. When you finally have time to get back to said previous task, you’re usually unable to even remember what it was.
You misplace everything, even the things you purposefully place for easy relocation. You lose your train of thought because your brain is too busy following all the tangents to future tasks you must complete. You end up not completing anything.
You sit down at the end of the day and wonder what happen. Don’t do this! You’ll never figure it out. Trying will only further complicate the existing convoluted thought process. It will only succeed in making you feel even crazier. Zone out instead. Your brain will need the rest for the next day of interrupted tasks.
5. Paranoia. I was never really a paranoid person before, but then I had kids. Now I’m paranoid.
Am I doing this parenthood thing right? Am I scarring my children for life? They’re going to grow up and hate me! I’m going to die alone.
Maybe it’s not that bad, but some days maybe it is. On the really bad days I may wonder if I’m a complete failure at this parenting gig. They’re the best things I’ve ever made and I want to do it right. When I fall short I worry I’m doing it wrong, like really bad wrong. I get all paranoid that I’m a bad mom.
But the paranoia doesn’t stop with me. I also get all paranoid about them. It starts when they’re first born. They’re so small and fragile. You worry you’ll break them, or at least hurt them when you maneuver them around.
Then there’s SIDS. It’s like the ultimate fear of every parent. You don’t want to leave them alone in their crib for fear that they’ll stop breathing. For no apparent reason whatsoever.
Honestly. How many of you have placed your hand on your sleeping baby to confirm they’re still breathing? I probably did that more times than I can count. Heck, I just did it last night!
The paranoia doesn’t stop after the risk of SIDS goes down. You just find the next thing to worry about. Falls, choking, childhood accidents. Child abduction. Molestation even. Not many parents leave their little girl alone with a man they don’t fully trust. You just never know.
We see the horrible stories on the news. Acts of violence against the innocent. It’s almost too much to bear, and you wonder if it was right to bring a child into such an evil world.
Breathe. Relax. If it weren’t for my faith I would probably waste away with worry and anxiety over the safety of my children. Even as my trust in God keeps me from a complete mental breakdown, I still feel a little crazy from time to time about it all. You?
So, maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m certifiable. Maybe I’ve flown the coop. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. The calmness, the clarity of thought, or the stable emotions prior to having children were nice, but the crazy, beautiful, chaotic life is the one I live now, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Yep, I’m a little crazy, and that’s just fine with me.
J. Heenan says
Your writing is amazing
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the comment! I’ll take that encouragement!
Amy says
Ah. So true, Brie. Really resonates this week, and my “baby” is 8.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I would imagine it gets worse as they age! Lol. Not ready for a teenager!!