When I was in my twenties I remember being so carefree. I had dreams for the future, and even some mild form of ambition, but in general I was content to fly by the seat of my pants with nary a concern for consequences be it good or bad.
Somewhere in my thirties things began to change. Risk seemed a little too risky, and tentative consideration took precedence in my mind.
As I made the decline into the second half of my thirties I was even more aware of my cautionary attitude. I found myself in unchartered territory, unsure of what was next. I mean, I wasn’t a nonchalant twenty-something anymore, but I hadn’t earned the right to enter the calm, cool, and collected group of women standing stoically in the forty-plus club.
I was too old for the young, cool college kids, or even the new graduates striving forward in their exciting careers. I didn’t have the exhilaration of starting something new on my plate.
I could still see the sideward glances of older women as I told them of my woes. They weren’t being cruel or anything, but the knowing exchange of expressions they made among one another almost blared to me, “You’ll see one day!” They even called me young lady as they patted my hand and held back a chuckle, making me understand I still had so much to learn.
All I knew was that I was confused and afraid. I didn’t intend for it to happen, but I was somehow developing a phobia about everything, things that never caused me to bat an eye before.
I’ve compiled 36 things that cause me fear now that I’m 36.
1. Varicose veins. So maybe the list starts out kind of materialistic, making a note of physical traits I’ve stumbled upon in my thirties. So be it. It is what it is. I never even uttered the word varicosity in my twenties, but now here they are at 36 threatening to turn my once youthful legs into a roadmap of decreased circulation. I’m a little frightened of their advancement into a full-fledged takeover of my calves. Don’t judge.
2. Facial hair. While we’re at it we might as well mention this one. No one wants to talk about it, other than your spouse if he’s suffering temporary insanity or is wanting a divorce. No one wants to talk about it, but we all have it, and it’s really stepped up its game since 35. I’m unsure what causes blond hairs to suddenly turn black as your age advances, but it’s a cruelty to womankind, an evil prank by Mother Nature stamped across my upper lip. I’m always a little fearful that the light is going to hit my face just right and highlight a mustache I’ve somehow missed in my daily plucking endeavors.
3. Weight gain. Sigh. I’ve had episodes of weight gain and loss along the years. I gained weight say after a mission trip or bootcamp. No big deal. It always came back off once my life normalized. Enter 34 and beyond. Not so anymore my friends. You got to work for that weight loss now. It makes you fear junk food and a sedentary lifestyle like you never imagined at 22.
4. Losing my sexy. Don’t laugh at me. It’s a legitimate concern. Something happens after children and mid-thirty. Gravity takes over. Everything starts sagging and bagging, and sexy seems like a decade ago. I fear losing my sexy in my spouse’s eyes, a fear I know is completely unfounded.
5. Stress. There’s always been stress, but it changes as you age. I don’t know if it’s hormonal or just an intolerance of conflict, but somehow everything seems more stressful and frightening now.
6. Cholesterol. The evil plaque that caused me not one single thought in my twenties is now something I check annually.
7. High Blood Pressure. Stress, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and…
8. What I eat in general is all important to me now because if not controlled it can all lead to…
9. Heart disease. Oh Lord. It’s obvious I’m a nurse that specializes in Cardiology. Heart disease and all the statistics are floating around in my brain. As my patients suffering a heart attack get younger and younger and I get older and older, it just becomes too real to sweep under the rug.
10. Moles. I suppose I’ve always had them. But when I was young they were called freckles, or even beauty marks. After a decade of time punctuated with childbirth and a torrent of hormonal changes they have multiplied exponentially. Now I notice. Now I watch them. Because what if they lead to…
11. Cancer. The word in itself can cause knees to shake. It used to be something I thought of as an elderly person disease. Now I have friends with cancer. It’s surreal and frightening.
12. Illness period is scary. I see it falling upon so many people I know, and when I started seeing high school buddy’s parents as patients, it really hit me.
13. My parents dying. I’ve already lost my mother, but as I see the parents of friends as my chronically ill patients I am confronted by the fact that I’m not the only one getting older. So is my dad. I’m not ready to lose another parent right now.
14. Identity theft. Never worried about that in my twenties. Of course I was broke the majority of the time. Which leads to more unlikely to occur fears, like…
15. Home invasion! Grab the Ruger!! But then there’s the real stuff too, like…
16. House fire. I wasn’t concerned about that in my twenties. After all I had insurance. As I age and build a lifetime of memories I’m reminded of all that insurance cannot replace. What about…
17. Government collapse? A logical fear really, especially lately. Just check out all the cable shows about Dooms Day Preppers. I’m not the only one thinking about it. Don’t forget…
18. Zombies. Okay. Just kidding. Maybe.
19. Washing machine breaks. Now I find myself concerned for breakdowns that haven’t happened with repairs I can’t afford and time I can’t replace. Which leads me to worry about…
20. Car trouble. I never worried about this in my twenties. Now I got the minivan and kids with it that I have to factor into my breakdown fears. And what if I have a…
21. Car wreck?! “Yes you have to ride in your car seat!!” Just in case, you know.
22. Snow days. Weird, right? Well, snow means poor driving conditions. Unsafe. Refer back to #21.
23. Falling. I got to worry about early bone degenerative changes. I don’t have time for a cast chasing a toddler and preschooler. Plus I might have to…
24. Miss work! I can’t afford that! What if I…
25. Lose my job? I used to job hop, but that was before I had a family. Now I have to worry about…
26. Losing my health insurance. Don’t get me started on the price of healthcare. That’s another blog post entirely. I already have enough…
27. Debt. I thought I had debt before, you know? My little credit card in my twenties was nothing compared to my financial burdens now. I’m always scared I’ll ruin my credit by…
28. Making a late payment! I don’t suppose credit scores or foreclosure concerned me that much before. As a general rule I hate…
29. Being late. I’m always worried that I am, and in this season of my life, I guess that’s because I usually am. What if my inconsideration…
30. Hurts someone’s feelings? I’m not sure when I began to be so concerned with the emotional response of others. Maybe motherhood cultivated it. Not sure, but here it is.
31. Failure. That’s a huge one isn’t it? I have so much at stake at this point in my life. I can’t afford to fail. I don’t have the time nor desire to…
32. Not accomplish my dreams. Your twenties are full of “fall on your face” moments. It isn’t as tolerated in your late thirties. You feel like you should know better than to fail. You must succeed. Right?
33. The unknown. If there’s no time to fail then there’s no time to walk around in the dark blindly either. The unknown isn’t a challenge like it used to be. Now it’s just an unwarranted risk. It’s scary.
34. Time. This is one of the most frightening things you encounter after 35. It suddenly seems to speed by, without your permission. It’s haphazard pace is daunting!
35. Children getting older. Sigh. It’s so scary and sad and unreal to watch your babies grow before your eyes. Yet, you’re also full of joy and pride. It’s a very confusing emotion, which is frightening in itself.
36. The fact that soon I’ll be 37. What if it gets worse?
Well that was just too depressing of a thought. Since I couldn’t suspend time and stay 36 forever, I knew I had to do something about all the things scaring me about getting older.
I had to remind myself what fear really is, that it’s a lie, a lie meant to hold us back from achieving greatness. Yes, greatness can be achieved at 36. At 56. At 86.
I realized that God doesn’t prevent frightening things from happening, but He does equip me with how I can decide to deal with fear.
I will still encounter fear over the same things, but I won’t be afraid. You see?
I can confront fear head-on with the truth that I’m not facing it alone.
The things we fear can be the things we conquer. And that makes 37 not seem so bad after all.
www.findbe.com says
Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or
something. I think that you could do with some pics to drive the message home a little bit, but instead of that, this is magnificent blog.
An excellent read. I will definitely be back.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed.
Nigela says
I sincerely feel the same, except no kids and a desire to go back to school..However, my dedication to yoga/meditation has helped immensely. Now I go in strides. Stress is now foreign to me.=)