- Well, I am 38 weeks today. I have felt like things may be drawing closer for the past two days. Today I went to the OB-GYN and my exam revealed I am dilated 2 cm and effaced 50%. So things are definitely heading in the right direction. There’s the one part of me that wants to go do circuits around Walmart then come home and have copious amounts of sex with my husband to try and hasten the process along. I see the beautiful face of my daughter now and can’t wait to see my other little girl! Then there’s the other part of me that wants to lay around and take it easy, soaking up the last few days I may have left of only having one child. I am excited, yet I’m scared. I know these feelings are normal, but it doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel a little bi-polar to say the least. As I lay Chloe down for a nap a bit ago, her immediate reaction in her sleep was to slip her hand down my shirt and grab hold of my breast. Even though she hasn’t breastfed in over 9 months, she still remembers that relationship. Ben was in the room and said, “What’s that?! You’re dilated 3 cm and she’s still got her hand down your shirt. Way to be a team player boobies! Before this is all said and done, you’ll have 3 people yanking on them!” So, I suppose things might get a little tricky around her pretty soon. I’m sure there’s enough of me to go around. After all, your love doesn’t become divided, it multiplies!
I did something quite miraculous last night. I slept from 11 pm until 9 am! And I only got up twice in that time to use the bathroom. I don’t know if it was complete exhaustion that led to the lack of insomnia or if my body is resting for the big debut. Either way, I was grateful and needed the energy for my little tornado of a two year old to suck out of me. She’s the one who woke me up this morning. Not unusual. The first words out of her mouth. that pried my eyelids open, were “I want chip! I want chip Momma.” I replied with still closed eyes, “You mean the chips you spilled out all over the bed last night?” Chloe, “No Momma. I want Daddy’s chip, in the cabinet.” So out of bed I roll, with her already waiting for me eagerly at the bedroom door. So many little requests for first thing in the day. It occurred to me how different children are, that they can pop their eyes open, ready to eat, ready to play, ready for the day! And then there’s the Momma, who just wants to start the coffee maker.
I was a little frustrated at myself when I woke up this morning. I know, I should have felt awesome after so much sleep, and no, it wasn’t my kiddo’s energy level that was leaving me frustrated. I felt an overall sense of defeat and discouragement first thing this morning. I found myself worrying over upcoming bills; asking myself if my check would come before they were due, would I be in the hospital when they came due and if so, who would know what to do but me. Asking myself how much would come out of that check in taxes and would there be enough to get the Christmas presents out of layaway and pay the bills. What is most frustrating about these thoughts is that there is nothing I can do to change any of it, yet I still find myself worrying. Oh, why do we humans do this? Why do we worry, why do we dwell? You can know the truth in your heart, yet you still fall to your own doubts. So silly. And that was what frustrated me. Psalm 121:1 “I lift my eyes up to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” I honestly tell you all about my struggles with my inner self and my weaknesses so that perhaps if someone out there finds themselves falling into the same trap, we can know it’s normal and it’s ok. I ask forgiveness for my “doubting Thomas” self, then throw my hands up once again and say “I give it to you Lord. I can’t do anything with this by myself.” Then something magical happens. I feel that heaviness lifted from me and hope fills my spirit. I guess sometimes we just have to do that on a daily basis, huh?