This morning as I was rocking my baby daughter back to sleep before leaving for work I prayed about my day ahead. This was nothing new, and as I asked God to go before me, make the way, and help me to have good patients, a thought flitted briefly through my brain.
Am I getting too old for this, maybe?
Honestly, it wasn’t the first time I had questioned my position at the critical care bedside. It wasn’t because I didn’t love it; I did. It was just an uncertain environment that seemed to get a bit more taxing physically and mentally as the years went by. I had done a lot of different things in the field of nursing over the years, but this time I had been back at the critical care bedside for almost five years straight, and as that fact hit me it kinda blew my mind. Five years had passed quickly, but also pleasantly. I really had little complaint about my job.
At that moment understanding descended upon me like a lead weight and I realized that I had not sailed through five years at the critical care bedside on my own. It was by His strength. That was the only explanation.
The fact is nursing is not an easy task, and though it may very well be a rewarding vocation and calling in your life, that does not make it sunshine and roses every day. On the days when your patient is crashing and you just want to take a breath, it ain’t easy. In those instances where you are sure you can run no further on adrenaline and gumption, you just keep going. You have no choice.
When death descends at your bedside, and then again the same week, you wonder, am I cut out for this?
When stress piles on top of stress, and there doesn’t seem to be enough of you to go around you may think, I can’t do this anymore.
When patients are overly demanding and families are difficult to please you may scream inside your head, I can’t deal!
When your feet are hurting, your back is aching, and your brain feels like it’s been overstimulated you may wonder, can I get up and do this again tomorrow?
When you’re overworked, underpaid, and feel like expectations are unrealistic you may think, I picked the wrong career.
Don’t feel bad. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad nurse when you have a breaking point. It means you’re human. But the thing is the field of medicine doesn’t always allow a timeout, hiatus, or mental vacation in the midst of chaos. It just can’t. The nature of the beast involves digging deep inside yourself and finding that bit extra. It’s reaching the end of your rope, then miraculously finding more slack. It’s the feeling of wanting to scream, but somehow smiling instead while you say, “don’t you worry. It’s gonna be okay.” It’s the thought that you can’t do any more, but then you do. And you do it well.
Most of the time we don’t think about this. We don’t have time, really, but in retrospect it’s apparent that nurses are like race horses. We run and sweat, and grunt. And sometimes we win; sometimes we don’t. Yet we never walk away from the bedside feeling like we didn’t push our limits to the utmost to cross the finish line.
Subsequently, after a 12 hour shift we may pee like a race horse. Just saying, but I digress.
I am of the mindset that nurses are a special breed, and I believe God gives nurses an extra dose of strength that is required to fight the good fight, persevere, and be His hands and feet in the process. What an honor.
This morning I went about the rest of my rush out the door with a peace that come what may I would be fine. Actually that peace is always there, and I certainly couldn’t continue to do what I do without it. The thing is Critical Care is an unsure area where things can change dramatically in an instant, and that can be pretty stressful. I glide through because I realize I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. In fact, He gives us all strength. Of this I am sure.