It’s completely understandable. It is. I mean, what other position in life do we hold as women where we feel so completely responsible for the welfare of another? Even as a healthcare professional I get to clock out after twelve (make that thirteen) hours, and pass my responsibility off to someone else. But no, in parenting you’re always on duty, and there’s almost constantly that thought in the back of your mind, am I totally messing up my kid’s life?!
So it’s forgivable to want to do the absolute best that you can, and I get it. After all, that’s me too. But I wonder sometimes if we’re not trying too hard. Like maybe we’re making it worse than it has to be.
It starts with that first positive pregnancy test, and in our excitement we buy all the best-selling books that tell us what we shouldn’t do, and what we definitely should. And so too starts the worry train to Anxiety Station, making a few stops at Perfectville and Self-loathing Junction.
Then when the kid’s born it’s all down hill from there.
Why isn’t he sleeping through the night yet? Shouldn’t I work to get him on a schedule?
How come my baby wants to breastfeed every hour? The book said every two. I must be doing it wrong!
Should I let her cry it out? My mother-in-law says that’s the only way or she’ll be in bed with us forever!
I feel guilty that I have to go back to work. He’ll probably feel abandoned.
Shouldn’t she be trying to sit up by now? Is she developmentally delayed?
New stages come in the blink of an eye, and the confusing, exhausting newborn/infant period you thought would never end has suddenly passed. But it doesn’t get better. The sleep does, but other concerns are always on the horizon ready to cause worry and feelings that we just aren’t doing this motherhood thing well at all.
Why does she only want chicken nuggets?! I read they’re made of grinded-up bones and guts, with a side of hormone and growth steroids. But she won’t eat anything else!
Should we be enrolled in a formal preschool already? Should I be reading to him more?
I wonder if we’re in enough social activities. Should I do T-ball and dance?
Why is she so shy? Or so picky? Let me google it.
I sometimes wonder how moms did it for years without blogs, parenting magazines, or the Internet. Before people started writing books to tell mothers the right way to be mothers, what did they do?!
And what about being able to compare your child’s behavior at a moment’s notice to that of other children via social media? What did moms do before Facebook?!
I’ll be honest. I enjoy the support I can find on social media platforms like Facebook, and I love that resources for parenting are at my fingertips via cyberspace, but I wonder if all this hasn’t convinced us that we should be doing more. Or doing less. Or doing it a certain way. I wonder if so much access to so much personal opinion hasn’t made us feel like we’re lacking, and that we must strive to do it all right. I mean, after all, we’re bombarded with instruction manuals and well-thought articles at every turn. We have no excuse to not strive for the perfection Pinterest offers.
I guess I’ve just gotten the idea lately that maybe I’m doing okay over here. This morning my two year old told me unprompted that I smelled nice, and that I “was awesome, like a superhero.” So somewhere along the way as I was trying my hardest to do right by my kids, and to be the kind of mom they deserved, they picked up on the fact that I love them like crazy. And deep down isn’t that all we have to get right?
Babies don’t need a particular sleep schedule that books suggest, and they don’t require organic, homemade baby food either. Disposable diapers are fine, and if “crying it out” cries out against your sensibilities, then just say no. Because no matter what the top expert, or the mom of multiples says, what your mommy heart tells you is what’s the right thing.
No book, no blog, no website, and no well-meaning relative can tell you the way to mother. They can offer wonderful suggestions, for which I am grateful, but in the end it’s up to us as individuals to do what’s best for our families. As I’ve said before, there’s no right way; there’s just what works. And perhaps we make this mom thing way harder than it has to be.
Kids require nurturing above all else, and these confusing phases of their development pass in time. And when it comes down to it, they pass really quickly! So instead of trying to figure it all out perhaps sometimes we should simply savor it. We should sit back in our exhaustion and just enjoy babies being babies and kids being kids. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and just love the journey.
It’s understandable to want to do the best you can in this thing called parenting, but the most important part of parenthood is being present, not being right. You’ll mess up, foul up, and fumble, but all that will seem irrelevant on their college graduation or wedding day. As they stand at your deathbed, many years later, will they wonder if you followed free-range parenting versus if you were a helicopter mom, or will they simply know that you loved them abundantly, unconditionally, and incompariable to anything they’ve known?
So let’s agree to not make this harder than it has to be. Let’s just love our kids, and enjoy the ride.