I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting into when I decided to become a mom. I read all the books, and I knew that I would be exhausted. I knew that sleep was out! I knew I’d spend the rest of my existence worried for this little life I made even when they weren’t little anymore. I mean, I had a mom. I knew.
I knew about the body changes of pregnancy like stretch marks, big boobs, and weight gain. I heard something or other about mood swings and being weepy. I knew I wouldn’t be partying at the club anymore, and that my finances would take on a different scope of priority. I knew this stuff.
But there are a few things I didn’t see coming, and it’s those little things that took me by surprise. There were actually a lot of them, more than I bargained for, and they snuck up on me so stealthily it was like those things were stolen from me.
Here’s ten of them.
1. Seeing the floorboard of my vehicle. When you have children the idea of a clean vehicle goes out the window. In fact, you’ll likely never see the floorboard again. But don’t worry. You wouldn’t really want to. Once I cleaned down to the bottom layer and I realized it was just a stinky soup of mashed, McDonald’s French fries, gold fish crackers, clabbered milk, and missing rubber bands. Trust me; you’d rather just have them crawl across the sea of sippy cups, discarded socks and shoes, and Happy Meal toys.
2. A hairless face. I really had no idea how good I had it. I mean I’ve always battled looking like Bert off Sesame Street with my unibrow, but things really took off after my first child. Meaning unwanted hair growth took off. I basically carry two to three pair of tweezers and a light-up mirror with me wherever I go. Oh, the joy.
3. The carefree feeling of walking around with bare feet. Gone. Gone. I still love to be barefoot; I just can’t stand it in my home. Every step I take another sharp, sticky, or crumbly thing sticks to the bottom of my foot. I constantly feel like I must go wash, and when I do find the time for a hose-down my feet resemble that of one of those homeless people I see as a nurse come through the ER.
4. Watching movies with subtitles. I’m a movie buff. I’ve always enjoyed independent films and many a foreign production, but that love now lies in the past with my ability to feel comfortable braless.
The thing is there is no way ever to watch a movie with subtitles after you have children. You can barely catch the plot of the PG film you find yourself watching much less pay enough attention to read along. You can’t hear what the actors are saying, but if it’s in another language then forget about it period.
5. A relaxing bubble bath. I admit it. I took hot baths with a glass of wine and a good book for granted. I just assumed that luxury would last forever.
Now I just try not to sit on Barbie’s outstretched hand as I take a quick sponge-off in a tub full of sand remnants from the kid’s last bath. And the whole time I’m listening for screams (the real ones that mean blood) and praying no one has learned how to make fire yet.
6. Running in the store real quick. Bahahahahahahahaha! Do you remember when shopping was fun? Do you remember the joy of traipsing from store to store in timeless abandon? Do you remember a time when if you discovered a missing ingredient for dinner that you ran out real quick to pick it up? And then meandered lazily at the magazines before checking out?
Now I fight little people from grabbing candy and beg the line to hurry up! I will completely make something different for dinner before I spend an hour tracking down missing shoes and making everybody pee. I will find a one-stop-shop that sells it all before going through the repetitive loading and unloading into car seats. I now loathe shopping.
7. Having the last bite. I didn’t realize what a gift I had before in being able to complete a meal while it was hot and eat it by myself. I didn’t realize that one day food would always taste better to everyone once it was on my plate, and that therefore I would never eat alone again. And I would never get the last bite. Ever. Especially if it was cake.
8. Black clothing. Or white clothing. Well, basically anything that’s considered nice to wear out of the home. Motherhood means wrinkles, stains (most which are someone else’s body fluids), and absolutely no dangly jewelry. Most of the necks of my shirts are stretched out from breastfeeding babies, and it’s been so long since I bought anything fashionable that I’m just grateful stone-washed denim came back in style.
9. Laying out. I have always loved soaking up the sun, and what better place to enjoy a good book than out by the pool. There’s just something beautifully relaxing about laying in those warm rays of light with your eyes closed in perfect tranquility.
When I try that now I am assaulted with multiple, sweaty bodies climbing on my lap asking for some of my ice water since they poured theirs out to make mud pies. And if there is a pool then forget a lazy, outdoor nap. My peepers are glued to little people like the world’s best lifeguard. Uneven tan lines, and by the time you get everybody coated with sunscreen they’re ready to go back inside.
10. Eating out where I want. Ooh, you know what sounds good? Chinese. Or maybe Taco Bell. Wait, they don’t sell chicken nuggets, do they? What kind of toy does their kid’s meal have? No toy?! Hmmm.
Sure, I feel like McDonald’s again. That sounds swell.
And that’s just ten of the things!
If you’re like me then you’ll admit that even reading What to Expect cover to cover still left you clueless overall. You had no idea, and many things from your prior, parentless life are no more.
But if you’re really like me then you’re fine with that because although they stole your figure, they also stole your heart. And although life will never be the same, you’re glad. After all, you wouldn’t want it any other way. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.