I have decided that my flaws are many, and I’m sure I could go on and on listing all the ways I know I fail on a daily basis, but that would really only serve to hammer home the point I’m trying to make today, and while that could be beneficial for the blog purposes, I’ll try to stay away from self-depreciation at this time.
If I’ve lost you already, hang in there friend as I’ll try to make it a bit more clear. You might even find yourself as I try to explain, and hopefully we can learn something together through all my muddling thoughts.
The thing is, through my acknowledgement of all the places I fall short, I notice my tendency to react the same. When I mess up I’m not always the first to know it, but you can betcha that I’ll be the last one to forget it. When I realize I’ve done something wrong, hurt someone, or generally just screwed up, you can rest assured of one thing. I will overreact at my mistake, and then I will mull on it for days. Often times everyone else has moved on, yet I’m still replaying it.
I think it’s really great to own up to your mistakes, to apologize, and to strive for change. I really do. But for me it seems that aside from believing that anything worth doing is worth doing well, I also figure that overdoing it must be even better.
What I mean is that if I mess up, even if it’s just in someone else’s opinion, I’m going to dwell on my mistake. I’m going to make myself feel far worse than anyone else ever thought of doing. Others will forgive me, but I’ll have a lot of trouble forgiving myself.
I’m an over-thinker. I tend to make mountains out of molehills. And when I realize I have hurt you in any way I will beat myself near to death for it. I’ll cry, and then I’ll cry some more. I’ll think I’m all done crying, and then I’ll cry a bit more. I just seem to have a hard time letting go. It’s actually easier for me to forgive another person than it is to forgive myself, even if my mistake was unintentional.
Heck, even if I think I hurt someone, or that I possibly did something wrong, I will replay the events for a week. If I know that I did then it’s even worse. I’m consumed by my disappointment in myself. I’m overcome by it, and I’ve decided this is one of my worst flaws to date.
Remorse is good, and learning from your mistakes is even better, but allowing your faults to take over your thought processes is detrimental. I wonder how many times I’ve allowed the devil to keep me from God’s best for me by becoming bogged down in my own disgust of self?
It has occurred to me that while it is good to feel bad for where I fall short, and to open myself to what God can teach me from my mistakes, if I allow my regret to take over my thoughts then I have learned nothing. I have only learned to not love myself, flaws and all. I’m simply falling into the trap that satan sets, and to be honest, I typically fall pretty hard.
I’m working on this. I’m learning to change my perception. I’m trying to remember that as a child of God, eager to follow His ways, that Jesus has already won the battle in my life. I can learn from my mistakes, and I can work to be a better me, but I can also know that even in my weaknesses I am ok. This is because in my weakness, and in my trials I am more inclined to call upon His name. When I mess up He can teach me, change me, and strengthen me.
Does that mean I’ll not try to improve? Not at all! What it does mean is that I will try not to beat myself up for my many mistakes, but instead see them as an opportunity for Christ to strengthen me, and to refine me. I can’t let guilt and regret consume me, but rather I move on, and I learn, and then I let it go. I forgive myself as He first forgave me.