I always knew I’d have kids eventually, and though I waited until my thirties, I often thought about the journey of parenthood as a naive twenty-something. My twenties was a magical decade where I in no way was ready for children (if you ever are), but spent much of the time watching my friends with kids and judging them. That sounds horrible, but I’m just being honest.
I would see certain actions taken by parents and I would think proudly, I will never do that! Something about being childless apparently made me an expert on children, and while I guess some people can be well-learned on the subject of kids without actually having any, that just wasn’t the case with me.
It all changed after I entered the crazy world of parenting. I stuck my foot in my mouth I guess you could say, or had an extra-large serving of humble pie. Regardless of the favored adage, I was dead wrong. There were things I swore I would never, ever do as a parent, but then I had kids, and I did them anyway. Here’s just a few examples.
1. Yell at my kids. This is almost laughable. Before I had the luxury of little people undoing every single thing I had completed, over and over, all day, I had dreams of always being calm and understanding with my offspring. Then I experienced having a three year old. That’s really all I have to say about that.
2. Let my house become a disaster. I didn’t know. I thought I could just continue to clean my house as usual, or like while they napped. I didn’t know toys multiplied, playing was more fun than cleaning, or that a spotless floor just wouldn’t seem like a big deal anymore.
3. Watch Dora the Explorer. As a child-free woman I happened across this terribly annoying show. I swore I would never let my children watch it because I personally couldn’t stand it. Si, Dora is currently playing in the background. Es verdad.
4. Let kids sleep in my bed. I always felt like my bed should be for me and my spouse. Heck, I still do! Yet tonight I will share it with a three year old also. Sigh.
5. Breastfeed on the toilet. Okay, I never actually said I wouldn’t do this, but that’s because I never fathomed I could, or rather would be forced to do it. Newborns eat all the time, and you do what you have to do.
6. Wipe snot off someone else’s face with my bare hand. So, for the record, I still think this is gross. I just never knew I’d love someone so much that I would do it anyway.
7. Answer 50 questions. I always thought I could refuse or something, and I guess I still could, but it’s just easier to surrender to the inquisition. After all, they would never give up anyway. Inquiring minds and what not.
8. Give up my last bite of my favorite food. I always assumed what was mine would stay mine. I thought I’d be able to say “no.” I do say “no” sometimes, but typically I cave to those adorable faces.
9. Let my purse become a toy box. Like my dinner plate, I used to believe that my things would remain my things. Then I had kids and learned that my everything became altered by children. My bags, pockets, and vehicles became secondary containers for their stuff.
10. Put my career on hold. This may sound terrible, but I once thought that staying at home with your kids was old-fashioned and demeaning. I never knew I would one day crave the time home with them! Makes me want to travel back in time and kick myself.
11. Become a bullshit artist. Forgive the crude language, but there’s no better word for it. Kids ask too many questions. Whether you don’t know the answer or they don’t need to know it, you become proficient at lying well.
12. Use saliva as a cleanser. I was certain I could escape this mommy cliche. Nope. It’s just so convenient and effective.
13. Surrender the remote. I remember my past affection for forensic shows and medical dramas. I miss them.
14. Eat directly after changing a dirty diaper. I remember seeing a friend stick her hand in the chip bowl after changing her son’s diaper. Gross. Now I’m guilty. You always think you’ll be different, then time management and starvation occur.
15. Worry. I always felt like I would be the cool, carefree mom who was relaxed and allowed her children the autonomy to discover life on their own terms. Then I had my babies and I fell madly in love. I became protective and aware of dangers lurking around every corner. I realized I couldn’t help but worry about their welfare.
The thing is it never stops, but just gets worse as they grow older and enter knew stages. I am continually discovering ways where I was so sure I would parent one way, but once confronted with reality, I realize what really works. It’s like my life is a Luv’s diaper commercial. I’m constantly “living and learning.” I’m learning how to get real, and moving on from there. Nothing crushes preconceived notions like the reality of life with children. Guess I’ll have another helping of humble pie.