As I stood over the stove this morning working to prepare a nutritionally sound breakfast for my girls (who would likely only eat 1/4 of it and later ask for chips or something to which I would likely cave) I wondered to myself about T-ball. I wonder if it’s too late to get her enrolled? I felt a mild sense of distress over it all, like I had missed something, and now my little child’s world might slip off its axis. I realized I might need to relax.
I decided to share the experience. Here’s five things, little Mommy myths or lies the world tells me, that I need to chill out about.
1. My child doesn’t get along well with others. This is a worry most moms deal with at one time or another. They wonder “Is my kid social enough? Is my child a loner? Weird? Why can’t my kid get along with other kids?” These are good questions, and it’s good that we’re paying attention. But are we worrying way too much?
Yesterday I took my three year old to the park. At one point she ran towards the swings with a group of 7-10 year old kids. The bigger children naturally reached the swings first. I watched as she stood to the side and pouted. This episode ended with her crying in my arms after a boy called her a “baby.”
As I stood there holding my tearful tot my mind was bombarded with strange, irrational thoughts. I thought, She’s going to be an outcast just like me! She’s going to be unpopular and likely suffer bullying! What can I do?!
I wondered if I didn’t let her around other children enough. Sure she played with cousins and neighbor kids, but was that enough? Should I put her in daycare to learn better how to respond to other children? Should I do this, or say that? Screech! My child is socially inept!
I needed to relax already. She’s three years old! Three year olds are still learning to share and socialize. Kids are mean. Some aren’t. It’s okay. It’s good to watch behavior and intervene as needed, but I can’t hover over her every interaction. Sometimes we can worry about things that don’t even need a second glance. Kids will be kids and she’ll be okay.
2. My child isn’t learning fast enough. My three year old is my first adventure into teaching kids. I don’t really know where she should be, what level she should be at, or if she’s learning what she’s supposed to know when she’s supposed to know it.
My degree is not in education. Thankfully I have media alerting me to what is expected (insert sarcasm here). I see commercials for learning programs and applications that I must get. On these ads the children of two and three are reading. They are “above their peers” it proclaims! Wait! My kid isn’t even interested in practicing letters! We try, but she prefers coloring.
I start asking myself if I should be teaching her more. Have I already let her fall behind? Will she be lost come kindergarten? Have I failed her? Have I set her up for academic failure?
I am keenly aware that my child cares little of where she falls on an academic chart or learning curve. Not right now. She does know that she loves when I read to her. She sits attentively as we reread a favorite book five times in a row per her request. She knows that she loves craft time. She loves cutting, gluing, picking colors of construction paper, and attempting to write her name at the bottom of the artwork after she finishes.
This is how she’s learning right now and I think that’s good. She’s three. Her attention span is short and playing is important. I can’t base her learning on what media totes or how other children are progressing. We are working on it and she’ll be just fine. I can relax already! I know she’s brilliant. I don’t want to inadvertently make her hate learning.
3. My kid is not involved enough. This was the rogue T-ball thought I mentioned. I’ve recently began wondering about my child’s involvement in extracurricular activities. We’re going to start dance class soon. It’s something she loves. But wait, is that enough? What about sports? Should I also enroll her in those to foster additional growth, teamwork, and social skills? What of her physical activity? Is she getting enough? Should I have already done this? She isn’t in a single class or activity outside of church and family! Am I doing it wrong?
Listen, I think sports are awesome. I personally sucked at it as a kid and subsequently felt like a loser and hated them, but I think they’re great for involvement. I think they teach all those things I said. Teamwork. Social skills. All that. It’s fun. But I think we can go too far. I think we can get over-extended in activities. We’re certainly not in this house! We’re currently involved in none, and that’s probably something I should work on. But I can’t stress out about it either. Maybe she will like ballet over T-ball. That’s cool. Maybe she won’t. I’ll give her the opportunity but I won’t push her.
Right now we enjoy playing outside, learning to cook, and dancing at church with our cousins. Activities are good, but they’re not everything. Family is. And if stretching to make activities stresses us all out then it’s pointless.
4. My kid isn’t spiritual enough. This point is really important to me, but I think I can even stress this one. Especially this one.
This was not an area that was pushed or placed very highly in the list of priorities of my life growing up. I decided it would be of utmost importance in raising my own children. I wanted to provide them with a strong spiritual upbringing, to teach sound morals, and foster a personal relationship with Christ early on. I think this is wonderful. I also think in my desire for this for my children I can go overboard.
I try to remember where they are developmentally. I have to remind myself not to overuse “what would Jesus do.” In her still developing understanding of who Jesus is I must be careful not to make Him sound like an untouchable figure who sees all and stands there to correct her when she’s been bad or done wrong. I don’t want her seeing Jesus just as a warden or correctional officer, but also as a friend.
It’s a fine balance, but easy enough. I think sometimes we make spiritual instruction too hard for young kids. “You must say your prayers! You must be good! You gotta follow these rules, or else!” We extend this same train of thought into our older children and they miss out on relationship all together.
Sometimes, most times, the best way to foster spiritual growth is through example. She sees Christ in my life in how I treat others, in how I treat her father, and in how I treat her. She’s gets the best lesson by watching a good example set by me. We still do Bible studies. We still have a lot of discussions. But I don’t stress it, I don’t sweat it. We simply live it.
5. I must be perfect. This is the biggest myth of them all! We all know this, that’s the thing. But we somehow forget it anyway.
You know what phrase I have decided I hate more than anything? Mommy fail. What is this and why do we describe ourselves this way?! I forgot something small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Mommy fail!
I must not forget. I must be perfect. I must put together perfect, nutritious meals. I must celebrate every meaningless holiday with a cute craft or candy basket. I must remember every date of every event, be on time for them, cheer the loudest, etc., etc. If I cannot do these things then I have failed. I must shame myself publicly. Mommy fail.
Don’t feel bad. Most of us have said it, but ask yourself “why?” It doesn’t have to be perfect. And it’s okay to fail. But it’s not okay to see yourself as a failure. My daughter is watching and when I mess up and proclaim myself as a failure; she’s taking note. I can’t teach her that. I can’t teach her being wrong or not being perfect means defeat.
Less stress about getting everything Pinterest perfect and more celebration that no one broke a bone today. That’s what we need!
It’s so hard to be a parent as it is, but when I allow the expectations that I see being set via social media and television and use those as my standard it’s almost impossible to meet. I find myself stressing if I’m doing it right and end up missing the mark on simply enjoying the experience.
My kids don’t expect pancakes shaped like stars. They don’t care if they’re reading two grade levels ahead of everyone else. They don’t need to go to every class the community has available for their age group. They just need me. They need me relaxed, loving on them, and worried about pretending princess instead of pretending perfect. They don’t ask for perfect. They just ask for me.