Once upon a time your father and I, newly wed, nonchalantly discussed having a baby join our family of two. We felt up to the challenge, even though people were prone to say that our life would never be the same.
A month later when you surprised me with your speedy arrival to my womb I was filled with expectant joy. I was also filled with nervous trepidation. But it didn’t change my life. I’d be more likely to say that it began a transformation, a change that started in my uterus and flowed out from there.
I remember being very astonished at how much a body could be altered by a growing baby. You were smaller than my container of dental floss (that by the way I really needed due to pregnancy hormone induced gingivitis), yet you were changing me!
It became apparent right away, and God even placed an arrow on my still flat stomach to show me the direction things were going. The brown line connected with my heart and pointed directly at you, becoming one with me as you grew. But I wouldn’t say my life was changed.
I thought I knew all things, having read every book and article available. When outlandish pregnancy symptoms came my way I miraculously combated them with the knowledge that it was the way it was supposed to be. Things that normally would send a woman running to the Emergency Room with fears of impending death became like an old hat to me. Unexplainable pains, freakish mood swings, and gastrointestinal problems that would leave me on my knees; I took it all in stride. But I wouldn’t say it changed my life.
I had so many plans. A birth plan. A Breastfeeding plan. Sleep schedules. Outfits placed in order to be worn. Then you came. You didn’t just laugh at my plans. You screamed at them. A lot. Every day, sometimes continuously for hours straight. This didn’t disappoint me for some reason. Instead I just smiled. And smiled. And smiled. I couldn’t help but smile at your sweet little face. But still I wouldn’t say my life was changed.
I thought I knew love, but I was so very wrong. I knew it I suppose. I just didn’t realize it could run so deep. I had no idea it could penetrate so deep into my chest that when I tried to breath I was unable to pull in enough air to push away the sobs of joy that permeated me while I held your sleeping body, so tiny in my arms, arms that couldn’t seem to get enough of you. But still I wouldn’t say my life was changed.
Weird things did begin to happen though. I found myself praying for you a lot, like multiple times a day. I began to realize that I would literally die for you! What was this?
Even insignificant things were somehow different. I found myself excited over silly things like how much weight you gained between doctor visits or gifts you received for Christmas or your birthday. I realized I obtained a crazy amount of excitement over seeing you smile or hearing you laugh. Then when you began to learn new things! Forget about it, I was done for. But still, I wouldn’t say my life was changed.
Changing my plans based on what you wanted to do.
Going to kid friendly restaurants.
Getting angry when someone hurt you.
Not minding things like sleep deprivation, a disorganized home, or a personally disheveled and kid-stained appearance. Yes they frustrated me sometimes, but no where near how much I thought they would. I was really kind of freaked out by how little I cared about that stuff anymore.
Instead I was worried about being a better Mom. I found myself concerned with giving you the very best of me, not just the bare minimum. I wanted, I needed to be the best I could be for you. You see?
And that was what it came down to. Saying kids will change your life just didn’t explain it like I thought it deserved. It wasn’t a passive process. My life didn’t alter around me as I sat motionless in a sea of raging chaos, beautiful, precious, life-transforming chaos. No.
I was changed. I was transformed. Your entry into my little existence didn’t simply change the life around me. It changed me. You changed me.
And you haven’t stopped yet, turning me upside down, stretching me, refining me. I’m certain God put you here with that purpose in mind, among many, but that one just for me.
So thank you my little gifts from Heaven delivered in the form of lovely girls. I’ll always be grateful for how things changed when you crashed magnificently into my life, a life that was not just changed, but a soul that was shaken and altered forever. Thank you for how you changed me.