I felt a nervous energy buzzing around the periphery of my senses, and I smiled excitedly as I drove along. I trailed behind my husband as we drove out of town to trade in our two vehicles for a single one that would more readily serve our upcoming needs. I was happy, anxious, joyful, and jittery, all at the same time. Being a grown up was crazy, right?
As we motored along my eyes drifted to the left side of the road, and I smiled at a familiar outdoor mall. And by familiar I mean I had visited there in the last decade. Maybe. Any outings beyond family ones were rare, and I realized I hadn’t visited this particular shopping spot in eleven years, actually! I then fondly recalled my husband taking me there for a date on my thirtieth Birthday.
It had been early August, a blazing hot end of summer, and after walking around outside we had stopped at a restaurant’s bar for a cool drink. If I thought about it I could still remember the pale ale we had, complete with an orange slice on the rim.
I could use a drink right now, I thought.
Having a cold beer on a hot day was almost as American as apple pie. It was a common accompaniment to Super Bowl, and I enjoyed many an outdoor, professional baseball game with a cool brew in hand.
Tired, overworked medical professionals would unwind after a difficult shift with a nice, stiff drink, and some physicians and nurses I worked alongside had recently joked about just that.
How many moms called wine their “Mommy Juice?” And if I had a dollar for every exasperated mom with wine meme on Facebook I’d be a rich lady.
So while I had made the decision not to drink alcohol anymore, and I didn’t want it to boot, sometimes I wished that I could partake without consequence like so many others seemed to be able to do. After a long day a glass of red wine sounded nice, and in moments of celebration and nerves like today, a cold beer sounded amazing! But then it didn’t too. And that’s what made me different.
I thought about the last time I had drank. It was a bottle of wine on our wedding anniversary, an overnight celebration away from home. I had proven to myself over the proceeding five years or so that I could control my alcohol consumption. I had successfully gone from having an overindulgence/drinking problem to being able to just have a drink or two on special occasions about once every six months. I had proven to myself that I was stronger than my addictions, and I could stay within the limits I set for myself.
Yet there I was in our room, having drunk most of the bottle of wine by myself, searching the minibar of the bed and breakfast for a beer or something to keep that good buzz going. Even in my happy tinglies I realized the feeling was familiar. It was a feeling that liked the effects of alcohol. A lot. It was the feeling of weakness, of lack of control, and it reminded me of my old self. The woman who couldn’t control her drinking. I didn’t want to be her anymore.
So, I didn’t drink anymore. I had to admit I couldn’t drink anymore, or rather, I shouldn’t drink anymore. Somewhere inside me was an alcoholic, and I didn’t want my children to see that woman. I was proud she was gone. I was disappointed that I was weak, but I was also proud that I could admit my lack of control that dwelt below the surface.
I think many of us have problems others don’t see. Some people keep sadness hid behind a smile. Others keep addiction under a rug. The fact is we’re all weak in one way or another. It’s admitting that truth that brings freedom. I wish I could celebrate with a drink sometimes, but I can’t. I am weak, I am human, and that’s okay. Seeing weakness in yourself is often times where real strength lies.
Chasity says
My addiction hasn’t been easily hidden, but I’ve started to make some progress in the past couple of years. I fumble constantly, but I face it now. No more denial. Your honesty and strength is an affirmation that we all have that something we struggle with, and inspires me to continue making good choices.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m so proud of you and grateful to be your friend.
Erika Hodges says
Good morning. Didn’t know if you meant to put 13th birthday or not. Great post. Was going to forward this to my sister for we both have now decided to not drink alcohol anymore because of this same reason. She has been sober 60 days now ? Thank you for sharing…
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Where do you see 13? I’m tired. ?
Erika Hodges says
No problem! So funny ?
Claudia Miller says
Very well said Brie. Coming from a family of alcoholics I decided too rather not have it in my home and go with out. I have been thankful God has given me a husband that fully supports this as well. I appreciate your openness and honesty. Keep writing.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. God bless you.
Karen Tober says
Awesome honesty. Your writing touches my soul. You are an amazing young woman.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!
Paula says
Well said Brie, I know our family well, I was the one it skipped, I was a Social drinker for years, joining friends from work, often, but since my retirement, very seldom do I drink. I have just about lost my desire/taste for a drink. I have prayed many a time that friends and family could have my habit, be a social drinker, or no drinker at all. Give me a glass of ice tea or lemonade any time now. Continue your good writings, inspiring
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Lauren says
You are such an inspiration- I love your honesty. It takes such bravery to be so open and vulnerable. Your posts help more than I can express.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!