This morning I stood at the bathroom sink getting ready for my doctor’s appointment. It would be my first actual OB-GYN visit since discovering I was pregnant this time around. Occasionally, while getting ready at the mirror, I would peek over at the pregnancy tests laying on a table beside the commode. The four plus signs looking back at me gave me a boost, a happy little vibe, and I guess that’s why they still sat there in plain view. All four of them.
But the truth is that if I had another test at my disposal there would be five sitting there while I brushed my teeth, and it had taken a lot of resolve yesterday afternoon not to run out to the store and buy another one. Just to be honest.
I hadn’t started my period. I wasn’t having unusual pain. In fact, my fatigue and mild nausea told me things were progressing just like they should. And of course my swollen belly. I had already taken to rubbing it absently, and something about that particular action made it feel more real.
Yet somewhere there it was anyway. Somewhere inside I worried for that tiny, forming baby that I could not see, and I wondered if everything was going as it should. I found myself nervous with thoughts of my upcoming appointment, and I wondered how I would react if something was wrong.
What if their test shows I’m not pregnant anymore? The quiet voice in my head questioned the unspeakable, but I tried to find solice by glancing again at the pile of positive pregnancy tests. I wished once more that I had taken another overnight, but tried to push that silly thought away.
What if something happens to the baby? Will you be okay with that? Unfounded, unwelcome thoughts swam in my head, and I absently touched my swelling abdomen again.
It had taken a few months to conceive this time around, and I recall that right before going to take the test I had stopped to pray. I didn’t pray to be pregnant, but instead I simply offered this:
Lord, I want you to know that if it’s negative again I won’t be sad. I was before, but I promise I won’t be this time. I realize that if I’m not that just means you have a better time in mind. I trust you, and I surrender it to you.
Then I went to take my test. It wasn’t a sneaky deal I was trying to form with God, but an honest surrender to His grand plan. I said it, and I meant it.
When it showed positive right away I was excited, I won’t lie about that. But I didn’t forget what I had said.
Before I even knew I surrendered my unborn baby to Him, and my opinion on the subject had not changed just because a growing child now existed in my womb. Yet I realize that with this, as with most things in life, you can’t surrender just once. It seems to be a daily thing.
Sometimes it’s a hourly thing. Or a minute thing.
When I found myself nervous this morning I knew it wasn’t right. It was natural for a human mind, but that didn’t mean I wanted to continue to walk in worry. I knew that had no purpose but to bring me down.
Most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, and I of all people knew this statistic to be true, but twelve weeks is a long time to sit in wait of something devastating to occur. Even when your past the “danger zone” there’s still plenty of worry to be had. I knew many woman personally who had lost their children later in pregnancy, and I could worry myself into a deep hole thinking on that.
During a Bible study this week I had made a comment of, “God always seems to answer my prayers. Even when He doesn’t, He does.” While that may sound like double-talk what I meant was this. Above all specific prayers I pray over circumstances there is always my desire of being within God’s will for my life, and that He will always be at our side. I always remember that when He is for me that no one can be against me, and underlying my prayer life is a theme of trust in His sovereign hand. So even when God isn’t answering my prayers like I think He should, in essence He’s answering my prayers. He’s working things out for my good. Even when I can’t see.
Surrender is remembering that. Surrendering is understanding that God has His best for you, and it’s trusting in that truth. Sometimes bad things that really hurt happen, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t working to bring me His best. To align my life with His perfect purpose for me.
This morning I had to stop and pray. I had to remind myself of that trust.
Lord, I pray for your protection of my womb, but I also trust you. I surrender this pregnancy to you. This is your child; you’re just letting me care for it here on earth, and for that gift I am so grateful.
Surrender has a wonderful way of taking the power out of fear. It crushes worry, and it gives hope. It’s also not easy. It’s hard to give up control of a situation, and I suppose that’s why it’s something you can’t do just once.
At my appointment everything went well, and they offered me their congratulations. A part of me wanted more. A part of me wanted to see an ultrasound, or to hear a heartbeat, something to solidify my knowledge that a baby was there. But instead a follow-up appointment was offered, and I was reminded that daily surrender would be my faithful partner on this pregnancy journey.
I walked out of their office, and I surrendered the safety of my unborn baby to the good Lord above. I rubbed my slightly swollen belly, and I felt peace.
ruthiespage says
So excited for you!!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you! Us too!!
Kourtney says
It always seems that when something is weighing on me you come out with a post that helps me get through it. I too am pregnant for the third time and just had my first appointment, which I lost sleep over before hand. Thank you for being so personable.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting. I’m so glad you read today’s post.