Over the years I’ve spoken with more than a handful of female friends after their discovery of infidelity by their husbands. Naturally they’re always highly distraught over the situation, no matter the details, but there seems to be a singular theme I notice. Of all the different couples and varying circumstances involved there’s always one thought that prevails in each of these women.
They wonder, what did I do wrong?
They wonder what they could have done, or what they should have done to prevent such an atrocity from befalling their marriage. Most never see it coming, and they wonder how they missed the signs. They wonder, what did I do?
These hurting, betrayed women look inside themselves searching, often times frantically for the reason of this break of trust. They look in the mirror and they ask themselves, is it me?
Questions then persist like “should I have tried to be sexier?” Or “was I not attentive enough?” They grimace, and ask, “was it the extra weight I gained after the baby?” Maybe even, “should I have been more aggressive in the bedroom?”
And even if the man says, “it’s not you; it’s me,” all a woman will hear is “it’s me.” She’ll think, it’s me.
I remember when my ex-husband came home from work and stated seriously, “we need to talk.” I wasn’t expecting the conversation that followed, and later as I sat alone crying I wondered what I had done, and also what hadn’t I done right. I racked my brain trying to pinpoint the cause of his words that rang in my ears. His words of, “I’m not happy anymore.”
In the deepest moment of my despair I remember crying out to God, and in that moment He impressed a few things upon my heart. He told me that my husband wasn’t happy with his job, and he had sought another. He wasn’t happy with our friends, and had looked for new ones. He wasn’t happy with our home, and wanted a new house. It came down to the fact that he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t a happy person, and I was just one more thing he wished to change in his search for fulfillment. I honestly felt like God said, “it’s not you,” and I can’t explain the freedom and peace I felt at those words. It wasn’t me.
Do I believe I made mistakes in that relationship? You betcha! Was I the best wife I could have been? Absolutely not! And for that I am sorry. But I also had to understand that all the blame could not be placed on my shoulders. Sometimes, often times, that’s what we women do. We take the blame for bad situations, and we wonder what we could have done to prevent them.
It’s popular among Christian literature for women to discuss the types of wives we should be, and the actions we should take to help ensure a happy husband who doesn’t stray. I can get along with that to some extent. I’ll admit that I shave my legs every day, and that I dress nice and put on makeup more for my spouse than I do myself. I mean, it makes me feel good, but it also makes me feel good to look appealing for him.
I choose to serve my husband, and I’m eager to please him in our marital bed. I rarely say “no” if you know what I mean. I do work at my marriage, and I do work on myself to be the best wife I can be, but I also know that the outcome of our relationship doesn’t simply rest on my shoulders. He is responsible as well. And if he’s not where he needs to be in life then no amount of smooth legs, makeup, or hot sex can change that.
If a man is not happy with himself then he will never be happy with you. If a man is not where he needs to be in his relationship with Jesus then your relationship will likely suffer, and you cannot prevent it. You cannot be your husband’s savior; only The Lord can be that.
Every human heart is like a vessel. It longs to be filled to full capacity, but it can only be filled satisfactorily by the love of God. If your spouse’s heart is not complete by a relationship with Jesus then they will always be lacking. For a time they may try to fill that void with you, and when that doesn’t work they may try to fill it with pornography or even with another woman. This is not your fault, and we as women must realize this.
If he is not happy it is not always your fault. Maybe he’s just not happy. And that is outside of any control you have. I’m sorry.
It hurts. Infidelity hurts, betrayal hurts, and broken relationships hurt. But what really hurts is when as a woman you allow these situations to affect how you view yourself. When you allow an indiscretion to change the way you see yourself, and this view is in opposition to how God sees you then you are wrong. When you allow these hurts to change you, and you carry them like extra luggage then you are acting in error. You are acting like 90% of the female population, but you are still wrong.
Despite the straying of your spouse you are still beautiful, and just because he doesn’t want you, this doesn’t make you undesirable. You’re still a beautiful child of the King. You’re an injured bird, but this doesn’t mean you can no longer fly. You can heal, and you can move forward in your marriage. You can move forward in forgiveness, and you can have a wonderful relationship.
This isn’t about divorce, and it’s not even about cheating. Not really. This is about understanding as a woman that while you are an important, main player in your marriage that the responsibility of your spouse’s happiness doesn’t rest solely on your shoulders. Only Jesus can heal hearts, and only He can fill an empty one. You can love your spouse, but you must also pray. And you don’t just pray for their relationship with you. You pray for their relationship with Him.
Sometimes he’s not happy, and that has nothing to do with you.
Jamie Anderson says
Brie you always speak right to me. I really look forward to more of your post. Thank you for putting it out there and not be afraid of what others may think. Your are a true inspiration to me.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much.
April Vanderford says
Wonderful, God-inspired words that speak straight to the heart of so many women including myself. Regardless of the state of your marriage, as women we are nurturers, ‘fixers’, and as you said, often carry the heavy burden of our husband’s happiness solely on our shoulders. When things don’t go as planned, it’s a hard pill to swallow. Thank you, Brie, for reminding us that this burden is not ours to carry. God instructs us to love, pray for and be a help-mate to our husbands. The rest is up to him…
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. Great comment.
Alex says
Thank you for sharing this. Right now, my soon to be ex husband of 12 years, is with his girlfriend and my children (as well as her children). I keep beating myself up and wondering why he is happier with her than he was with me. But in the end, I know I loved him well and couldn’t have done anything differently. I am not solely responsible for his happiness. Now he’s going out into the world to find it. But the world will come up empty in the end. Only God can fill the void he’s looking to fill. Please pray for me.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much. Praying for you now.
Diane says
Thank you so much for sharing this it has helped me to believe that my husband is just not a happy man at all. I don’t think there was anything I could have changed to make him stay. I do need your prayers as it is a challenge for me to get through each day without him after 33 years.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Praying for you.
Brittany Rouse says
I really needed to read something like this. You did a beautiful job.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Diana says
Im not married but this suits my relationship of two years perfectly. Of course, finding this out in marriage is so much more difficult. Thank you. This writing eases my pain and makes me feel better about the situation. After he admitted to me he was angry Monday through Friday and wasn’t where he saw himself at 30 years of age, it was then I finally realized that no amount of talking, crying, and trying was going to make him love me back the way I love him. Everything made sense once he said that to me. I recently started my nursing career and I’m happy. I have hard days for sure but I come home feeling like I made a difference for someone that day. I feel fulfilled. I have a great family who is always there for me and I have most of the things I want. I dreamt about our future together and I found myself working my life around his but he just wasn’t on the same page. I told him during our final breakup that I knew he wasn’t happy at work but that I prayed for him everyday and will continue praying and he responded with “I’m not religious.” It hurt my heart that he didn’t see how much I care about him, how much I want to be on his team, and help him get through any struggle. I was his biggest fan. š But there’s nothing I can do about it and I see that now. It’s not me.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing. God bless you.
Debbie Wakefield says
Thank you for the post. Husband of 17 yrs td me two days ago he was not happy with anything, ever. Told me today he is moving out in two days to “work on himself”. He told our 15 yr old that he had been thinking about it for a long time. I feel worthless and unloved. I feel like this is the end. He was almost giddy while telling me about the place he is moving(way nicer than our place). I’m not perfect but I always fought for our marriage – through his alcoholism, his “emotional” infidelity, his constant changing jobs, his depression and mood swings. I always fought for us. Now I feel like a fool and wonder when “us” stopped for him. I feel blindsided!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m so sorry. I understand how difficult this is for you. Personally, reaching out to God helped me in my turmoil. I pray He can help soothe your pain also.
Fran says
Thank you all with the replys they are so encouraging. My live in boy friend of 6 years just told me about a week ago that he is Not happy anymore and we are not going anywhere. So I’ve been wondering why is he still here. And is this just something that will pass. I’m confused as to why he is still here. I know He is Not cheating. I work I pay bills I cook when I’m not too tired from work I clean do laundry so I know its not me..
Margaret Radford says
What I read, I felt like you were sitting in front of me. My husband just told me that he was not happy and have been like this for 2 years. He moved out, bought another house. I kept blaming myself. After reading what you said, I couldn’t stop crying, cause you are right, I am hurt.
Thank you for sharing
Margaret
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. God bless you!
misty says
thank you for this message. My husband and I have been married for 4 years now and just recently he told me he was not happy due to other things in our marriage. I can account for somethings and was willing to work on them together he is living with his grandmother right now I just don’t know what else to do other than pray. please pray for me.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Praying for you now.
Nicole Driver says
I like this inspirational article! My husband of almost 12 years of marriage, is has been having an affair for 3 years. I am devastated and hurting so bad. My husband told me that he is so unhappy and doesn’t like himself, life and me. Out of respect of my marriage and my promise to God, I stuck by my husband despite his constant lying, arrogance, rages, jealousy of me, meanness, convenient part time dad, disrespecting me to the point that his talk and actions are considered emotional and mental abuse. I know I did the best I could in our marriage! I do realize that my husband has to own his issues and they are not mind. God will get me through this, however I am hurting so bad!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m so sorry. Praying for you right now.