I guess I’ve given away my age with the title of this one. Remember the 1990’s song by Alanis, Ironic? It came out the year I graduated high school, and I thought it was the best music video ever. In fact, if memory serves correctly, it won best video that year according to MTV.
I thought of that song this morning. I typically flash back to the era when I think music was still cool, the nineties. But it wasn’t simply nostalgia that brought it to my mind. It was my four year old.
Yep, kids are the epitome of irony. Or maybe it’s simply a juvenile double standard. Either way, I’ve noticed that kids have their own rules, and nine times out of ten it makes no sense to me. I could seriously write my own lyrics off their antics.
Here’s ten ways my kids are more ironic than Alanis Morissette.
1. My kids can run around outside or with other children for hours. Hours straight. I watch them running around in circles and it exhausts me.
Yet after five minutes, or less, in the grocery store they are too tired to continue. Mine actually trudge with slumped shoulders like they’re going to pass out any minute. “Mom… My legs are so tired!!”
2. Kids have no trouble making you wait twenty minutes while they put on their shoes by themselves.
Running late? Doesn’t matter. “I can do it!” they’ll scream independently. So you wait. insert Double Jeopardy music
But when they want their drink you better watch out. “I’m thirsty! Oh! Oh! I’m so thirsty!”
You’ll think they’re transversing the Sahara according to the dramatics. They truly expect you to stop the vehicle or whatever task you are performing and hand them a cup of juice right away.
3. My kids will eat their boogers. They’ll pick up a dropped food item off a public floor that has been heavily trafficked by people with possible dog poo on their shoes. And they’ll smile as they chew this germ-laden edible.
But they’re going to turn their nose up at English peas or tomatoes. “Uck! Yuck!” insert dramatic dry-heave noises
4. My kids could fall from a ten story building, jump up, and say, “I’m okay.” If they’re playing no fall or tumble can harm their super threshold for pain. They’ll rub some dirt on it and keep on trucking.
If we’re at home doing nothing, and they’re tired? Forest Gump’s feather could fall from the sky, land on their shoulder, and they’d start screaming like you just cut their arm off.
5. When my kids are tired they could fall asleep standing up, in a fire ant mound, while a train goes by. You can’t keep them awake!
But, if I’m trying to make them nap? Forget about it. I don’t care if I make it dark, turn on a white noise machine, and rock them. I could feed them turkey and warm milk. My sleep ninjas will fight me to the death!
6. When it’s birthday or Christmas my kids always pick out the expensive toys. They don’t understand money yet, but somehow they end up wanting the most pricey gadgets.
You know what they end up playing with? The box.
7. My kids can’t find their shoes. Or their coats. Or anything for that matter. Even if it’s right in front of them. (They must get that from their Dad).
But put them in the backseat, and suddenly they know where everything is. “Ahhh, Mom, you just passed the park.” Or, “Hey Mom. This isn’t the way to McDonald’s. You forgot to turn back there.” Thanks tiny navigator. Go to sleep.
8. My kids hate cleaning up after themselves. Again with the trudging, you know?
They can’t seem to figure out cleaning their room.
But if I want to mop or dust, oh my goodness. Suddenly they’re tiny maids eager to help. (Or get underfoot). “Mom? Can I Swiffer?” Sigh.
9. If I put my kids in play clothes, like the embarrassing stuff that doesn’t fit, and we just hang out around the house; then they are immaculate.
Put them in a white dress prior to an event, and records will be broken. In 45 seconds they will be stained.
10. My daughter will stare transfixed at a SpongeBob episode for 28 minutes. She memorizes the entire dialogue between Patrick and Squidward.
Yet she finds it very difficult to keep her attention on my face during a 28 second delivery of instructions for her schoolwork. She typically starts sighing and looking off in the distance after 13 seconds.
So Alanis’s 98 year old man may die right after winning the lottery, but seriously I think my kids have her beat. I think children are ten times more ironic, seven days and week, and twice on Sunday.
Don’t you think?
SLOTH8 says
Well Brie ya got me. : ) It takes a lot for me to post a comment, but for one thing I didn’t randomly find you. Since ….. well see its like this …… umm… OK!!!! I will just say it lol. , wait, did I just laugh or am I still laughing from your top ten witch I found hard to get threw. Even with a six pack my gut hurt , after being awake for …. don’t know, whats today? Eyes dry from staring at this screen some how they decided to poor from laughter as I found it so easy to experience all these top 10 things like I was there. I might have been from being a parent that made it so easy to relate or carma from being the child. But I rebut with this to you my fellow writer of random thoughts , as you brought me a smile , I hope to make you feel just a little younger even though ( all due respect to your husband ) you do not look your age. Would you perhaps agree with me that maybe we are Ironic because while our little ones make us late , chase them threw a store, and create a picture of a little person who must know what there doing and are just trying to get us back or there toy is no longer fun and we are now the forum from witch our reactions stimulate there emotions. Ironic side, they make us late or we wait patiently with a grimis smirk , chase them threw the store or use them to comb threw people who shop at the speed of reading every ingredeant on a box of all natural , no paservatives added rice , and as you say “insert ” the extra added ” oops I’m sorry, didn’t mean to bump you and make you drop that box you have been reading for so long shale I put it back on the shelf for you , your not buying it right ? So while we create this picture of some one with intentions surly , lets not forget the coined phrase for that little picture. ” our little bundle of joy ” . Ironic, I will ponder … but it is like rain ,,, on a wedding day ,, and it is the free ride , when your already late, for the good advice,, from me you should take , because who would have thought they get biggeeeeerrrr. So my fellow writer, as you worry of your age reaching forty, please think of this 43 year old poker face holder, widowed dad looking into the teal,hazel,green eyes of my nineteen your old bundle of joy daughter as she hands me a list of the next top ten Ironic things. “Ironic” you say, yup , because as I am well off in the financial side of things it is her age I am now thinking about , not mine. Wonder and worry set , your going back to the store but wont have to chase her and she won’t make you late but she may be late.
So Brie ( may I call you Brie ) …. thank you. You see before you feel old , or sweet chaseing your young, remember the video ,,,, there are 2 more you’s left in the car .. therefore 2 more Top Ten lists. Oh and if you didn’t catch on yet , it is because you are the first TOP TEN list . Think …. wait for IT!!!!! 1. Mood sing, 2. “ahh honey sit down I need to tell you something … I,m late , 3. Pickles, ice cream and what ever is close and edible, 4. wrong TV add and two boxes of tissue gone like that.. 5 “Why are you still awake honey (we men have to ask or we could refer to number 1 and duck ), 6. Wait did you just walk past a pair of RED BOTTOM high heels to grab a bib that costs more. 7. Guy code , never venture into a purse ,, yet ” honey could you grab my cellphone I need to call ANYONE. 8. For the well being of you husband who was smart enough to hide the list , lets just say for number *’s comparison I plead the 5th., (your welcome sir and I know I don’t like being called sir either but I don’t have your name.) 9. “Doesn’t fit” ,,,lol ,,, oh boy,,,so close its almost to easy, but, its the old ‘honey do I look fat in this ? : ( the blank space represents the pause a man has to take at eight 1/2 months in before carefully addressing this matter. / choose the best sir and roll the dice. A) no , not at all honey, (inportant follow to a T) as you walk ever so gently up to her, put your arms around her from behind in hug formation ,soft kiss on the neck and parie her away from the meriour. B) stay ten paces away if she keeps it on, because when she gets around her friend, sister, female. You should have enough head start to get away when hearing ” he let you wear that out of the house ” C) Run just fast enough to keep the same distance of ten paces. The bundle of joy run will quickly turn into her left arm bending and back arching , waddle walk. D) Observe mood. E) well E for effort because “honey you really should be running like that , your fast , you almost caught me , you looked so cute chasing me. ” will only last until the next friend. REPEAT A – E as many times as nesicery for result equaling survival. Leaving us with number 10 on the forbidon and hidon might have gotton ridon if she stares longer than 13 seconds, she might need ridalyn list (yes I am aware of the spelling) . ..10) yes we parents experience the star right threw us so deep you look behind you and say ” what ? “, for list 1. this is the most beutiful yet dangerious of times and we men would give away shares of Google by the hundreds for you to take your attention / hands / nails / stare of doom off us for 28 seconds while we come full circle as to why you are part of the list , bundle of joy is delivered. … what ? .. whats that you say Brie. What do you mean there is a secret water stained written number 10) dash A) .. O.K. sorry guys but I owe it to BRIE for remembering Alanis . So next time I ask if its poker night don’t say I,m ‘UNINVITED’ ( again to easy had Brie, you would have ) 10. dash A) 10 is for the men and 10 dash A is for the ladies who’s manly man husband’s only made it 28 seconds after the doctor said I think I see the a head , take a look sir. ….. lol . big tuff men we are .. que shoulders rolling forward till knuckles drag …. sir , , sir ,, are with me ,, SIR ,,,,,,,nurse we’ve got another one, yes doctor I will get him some water and a JAGGED LITTLE PILL. “IRONIC”
Brie , just as you wrote, I write but I started at,,, wait what day is it … plus I just started typing and had know idea I was going to go from a response to a story of 4 lists in total. So that is what happens when one free writer reads the others writing.
P.S. please send a response if you get a chance to read this and with it a copy , I’m to tired to spell check, and if you look I probably stopped using capital letters at sentence beggings. I spent all this time and I can’t even read it . Send me a copy. Keep the music playing, and one more from Alanis ” Thank You ”
***Nostalgia-408subscribers-28seconds-9:48am-SLOTH8***
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Well, well friend of mine, whoever you may be. Thanks for the great comment. Glad I could give you a laugh, and a few tears to lubricate your gritty eyes. You gave me chuckles in return, for which I say, “Thank You.” Take it easy, and thanks again. For reals.