Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

I’m Done With God

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“Don’t preach to me. I’m done with God.”

This is something a friend said to me recently, and afterwards it really got me to thinking. At the time I remember my head said, “He’s not done with you, though,” yet the words that came out of my mouth were more subdued.

“Ok.”

That is what I had said. To back down was easier than to engage, but that doesn’t mean it’s always the best answer. Thinking over the situation I realized my friend was done like a lot of people were done. It wasn’t so much that he was done with God, but rather that He was done with religion. I get it.

Religion, to me, is like book learning. I read all the material in nursing school. I even took notes. But I did not develop a love for the field until I entered into it hands on. I mean, I was intrigued by anatomy and physiology. The idea of healing made me happy. But it wasn’t until I saw the power of how my healing hands affected another human being that the field of nursing brought me joy. If I just looked at it as a paycheck, I’m sure I would have found something easier on my back with better hours long ago. Droves of nurses flee the bedside because the stress of the field is frustrating and overwhelming. Some of us stay because we’ve fallen in love with what we do. I think for much of the world, they’re easily burned out on religion. I get it.

My friend had asked me some questions about that angry God in the sky. I think the hellfire and damnation part was causing a great divide in his heart. He couldn’t understand how he could follow a Father who would let good friends of his not experience eternity in Heaven. I think he was kinda seeing God like the mean kid in high school who threw the best parties, but you only got invited if your parent’s bank account was up to par. I get it. Book learning will only teach you so much. Heart learning is the only way to get the right answers.

At the time I simply said, “I’m not the judge of who goes to heaven or hell. I leave that up to Him.” But I should have said more.

I should have admitted, “I don’t know all the answers, but I do know my Father.”

I know Jesus. And to know Him is to trust Him.

I don’t know why good people die young. I don’t know why my mother died at 54, or why a good friend of mine just died at 51. But I do know God is good. I didn’t just learn that by going to church, and not even just by taping some inspirational Bible verses on my bathroom mirror. I learned it by love.

I don’t know what happens when hurting, lost people die. I know what scriptures say about things like “weeping and gnashing of teeth,” and I believe that the only way to eternal life is through Jesus, but I don’t know what happens in the unseen. I don’t know what happens on a spiritual plain between here and there. But I know Him. I know He is love. I know He is forgiveness. I know He is the way.

I’m not a Biblical scholar, and I’m not an expert on the law. But I do know Grace. I know that it saves. I do know mercy, and I know the Father’s is abundant.

I think my friend, and a lot of people out there aren’t so much done with God as they are just getting started with Him. The beginning of any relationship can be rocky. The Holy Spirit calls us in. Our hearts are made to be filled with Him. But changing the way we live our lives? That will never come by memorizing scripture. It will come, though, by falling in love with the One who breathed those words into life. And that sweet Ruach, breath longs to blow off the pages into our lives.

This is hard to write. See, I don’t want to discount the truth of the words written in the Bible, but I do want to impress that they are more than just words we must adhere to. They are a doorway into a relationship, a happy home built into our hearts, and therein the answers are found. Without the relationship the words can be meaningless. I know many atheists who have read the Bible front to back. Without the love embossed on the pages, we lose sight of the author’s heart.

I don’t know all the answers to this broken world, but I do know the heart of the God who saved it. I found that the difficult questions of life no longer bothered me as much when I put my focus on the final answer to it all. Jesus. I remember a song I learned when I was young, based on scripture.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness. And all these things will be added unto you.

It was true all along. To seek is to find, and to find is to know. To know isn’t to know all the answers, but it is to know that whatever the answer is, it is good. It is good because He is good. There are so many things we cannot understand, fathom, or explain, but we can get a little bit closer to the answers by knowing His heart. All I know is, my God is love, and He loves all His children. I will trust Him to sort it out and do things in a magnificently beautiful way. A way that upends religion, much like He upended those tables.

I said before that I didn’t think my friend was so much done with God, but rather he hadn’t got good and started yet. What I’m saying is, you can go to church every Sunday and listen to the entire sermon, but until you spend time alone with Jesus, talking to Him, reading His words, and asking Him to speak the truth of those words through His Holy Spirit into your heart, you’re gonna get tripped up on the details. You’re gonna think the Judge in the sky is angry over your sins, and you’ll forget the Savior who said, “forgive them, Father, they don’t know what they’re doing.” Even as they tortured and killed Him! He spilled His blood for the crowds that yelled “crucify Him,” and until you know that Jesus like a best friend, you’re going to be done too.

Religion will make you say grace before a meal, but relationship will have you give away your last bit of food. Like any relationship, that is cultivated by time together, a love life with Jesus will change your perspective of who He is.

You won’t say, “how can God do this to me!”

You’ll pray, “Jesus, help me through this. I don’t know what you’re doing through this, but I know it must be for my good.”

God loves us too much to be a big, mean kid with a magnifying glass burning ants on the sidewalk. But the only way to see Him as He intends is to get to know Him. I should have told my friend when he asked me tough questions, “my Father, the Dad I know, He isn’t looking down from the clouds with a menacing grin while He throws people in a fire pit.”

If that’s who you think God is, then I would encourage you to dive a little deeper. Get to know Him, and then all the hard questions will have the same easy answer. Realize you’re not done; you never really got started. And He is certainly no where near completed with us.

The Space Behind the Waterfall

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I saw a waterfall. Powerful, loud. The cascade of water fell from high and it crashed on the rock below. It fed into a large pool of blue, and bits of foam flew as it churned.

I knew the waterfall represented the power of God.

As I looked on and listened to the magnificent display I compared it to God’s hand at work in our lives. Although the sheet of rushing liquid looked like a single action, it actually consisted of millions of drops combined, billions of water molecules, trillions of hydrogen and oxygen atoms. In other words, more was going on than met the eye. The water fell, but it wasn’t just that simple.

In between the shimmering cascades I glimpsed the space behind the waterfall, and in my vision I went there, drawn by the tranquility of the cleft. As I entered the hidden room behind the magnificent water wall I realized something immediately. It was quiet there. I could hear the stillness. My ears no longer roared with the noise outside.

I realized then that I had been drawn in, closer to the presence of God, to hear His voice, to know His will.

I had asked to hear the Lord’s voice for what I should pray, and in the quietness of my minivan, on my morning commute, I heard from Him. In the quiet space, behind the water, drawn to His presence, I felt the Lord ask me to pray for the president. I knew it had to be God because I had not been a fan of the Commander in Chief recently. The harsh words of the POTUS hurt my heart, and his actions this year often made me wince. Even though I agreed with so much of the Republican Party’s policy, the un-Christ-like behavior of its leader had made it difficult for me to rally behind him.

I don’t want this to be a political post, but I couldn’t think of how to share my thoughts without being honest about the specifics. Instead of having your feathers ruffled or jumping to Trump’s defense, just try and hear me out until the end.

As the Lord led me to pray for the POTUS, I remembered some things that are easy to forget. For one, even when people don’t act like it, the fact remains that they are image-bearers. We are all made in His image, His children, and dearly loved by the Father. Regardless of our mistakes. That is grace. It didn’t mean we shouldn’t be held to high standards, or a certain behavior maintained for a certain position, but it did mean I couldn’t forget how the people that I disagree with, still mattered immensely to God. Secondly, there was the waterfall.

God worked a lot like that waterfall. He was so big, powerful, and multifaceted; we couldn’t see all the parts of His work. We couldn’t fathom each piece of His plan. All I felt in that moment was that I needed to press in close, behind the scene. I needed to get away from the noise of the outside and seek His inner heart. Although it wasn’t what I expected, or what I would have chosen on my own, I felt strongly the Lord impress to me that it was His desire for Trump to be the President. Like, He wanted him there.

Then I felt like he wouldn’t be elected in November, though. I can’t really say I understood that at first. From what I know, God’s will always prevails, right? I’ve prayed about this, and still feel the same about it. I guess the best way to describe it is, I felt it impressed to me that it was God’s desire for Trump to be in the office, but He would allow that not to happen. I don’t know what that means for our future, but I do know that God works like that waterfall. It was God’s will that I marry my husband, Ben, but God allowed me to make a wrong decision and marry another man first (before it ended horribly). Then He brought us back to His original will (Ben and I being husband and wife). In His mercy and grace He brought us back. Like the magnificent waterfall.

So, I guess I’m saying I think that this election will not come out like many Christians hope. God wants His plan for us, but then He also allows us to find our way there. We make many missteps, but in our stumbles He teaches the greatest lessons. I have felt all year like the Lord is bringing forth His true church, a beautiful collection of saints who desire to live out His heart. I’ve met a lot of people with that heart, but I think it may take a little refining fire to bring it out of others. I mean, we are all image-bearers. Some just resemble His image a little closer than others. I humbly admit, I am still working on my shine. I know it’s often times distorted.

I do know that this particular morning the Lord led me to pray for a man I would not have on my own. I’ll admit that. He also reminded me that His way of accomplishing something is beyond what I think or imagine. He let me know that the only way I’ll keep in step with His Will is by pressing in closely and cutting off the noise outside. So that’s my plan from here on out.

I’m aware this post will be met with a raised brow by some who read it, and many people will think I’m way off base. Perhaps I am. Thankfully, I don’t need to always be right, but I do know I’m listening, and that is what we all must do more of. I do know I’m praying when and for what He leads me to pray for, and I’m reading and holding to His Word. I don’t seek the approval of man. I’ll simply seek the space behind the waterfall. That’s where I meet my Father.

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayers

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Back in February of this year I found myself looking for another job assignment. As a travel nurse, every three months I took on a different contract, with a different hospital, in a different city. I’ve learned that nursing is pretty much the same no matter where you go, but the venue, well, that makes all of the difference. I travel with my husband and three daughters in an RV. We love it, and earlier this year we were excited to go somewhere new. We had enjoyed our time in South Carolina, but we were also ready for new sights to be seen.

Arizona. That’s where we wanted to go! We had never traveled out west, and though I was born in California and had family in New Mexico, I had never done more than drive through the state of Arizona. My husband and I scanned the internet for all the fabulous, outdoor activities, and we imagined ourselves hiking within the scenery of the lovely pictures we saw. We picked out the perfect, family friendly campground near the city we wished to go, and I excitedly salivated at the KOA Resort photos.

I worked with a recruiter, and immediately made him aware of our desires. He submitted at a couple of hospitals in Tucson and nearby Phoenix, and I eagerly awaited an interview. First week, nothing. No problem, I told myself. New jobs come out every week. We submitted again, and again no phone call. We submitted applications the third week in a row, and after no interview I began to wonder what was wrong with me.

“You have the best resume out there,” my recruiter consoled me.

Neither of us could understand it. With almost twenty years of experience and a stellar record, I was a shoo-in. What was the deal?! I hadn’t been silent in my desires for this job. I had prayed to land the Arizona contract not once, not twice, and not even just three times. I had prayed every single day to get that job! But no call came.

This morning I was reading a familiar story from Daniel about three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Most of you recognize the names as the fellows who were thrown into the fiery furnace of the king after refusing to bow to his idol. The climax of the account is found when despite the blaze the men suffer no harm, and they are saved by the son of God from the fire, not even smelling like smoke when they get out. My husband’s favorite part is when the king looks down and sees four men instead of three, and that was my favorite too until something else stuck out to me this morning as I read.

When King Nebuchadnezzar tells them they better bow down to his idol or they’re going in the furnace they reply that they’re not worried because their God will save them, but it’s the flip side of their reply that got me.

They continued, “but even if He doesn’t…”

Even if He doesn’t.

They knew God could do it. They had faith He could. But the real faith came in the statement that even if He didn’t, they still believed their God was the one and only true God. They wouldn’t bow down to anything else.

When I first realized I wasn’t getting a phone interview I was upset. I blamed it on my own lack to stand out, but then I was reminded of my prayers. Much like our fire repellant trio, I had prayed in faith.

“Lord,” I had prayed, “I really pray I get the job in Arizona, but above all, I want your will.”

I had wanted the job in Arizona, but even more than that I wanted to serve the Lord. I knew His sovereignty. I knew His omniscience. He knew from beginning to end, point A to point B, what was best for my family, and how best we might be used. Knowing this, I prayed for Arizona, but more than that I prayed He would take care of us and take us where we needed to go.

God didn’t answer my prayer to land the job in Arizona, and sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers. It’s in these times we must decide if we will continue to pray in a state of “even if He doesn’t.”

Even if He doesn’t, I love Him.

Even if He doesn’t, I trust Him.

Even if He doesn’t, I am blessed.

I am blessed because He loves me, and many times a part of being a loving Father is saying no.

When my six year old wants to get a 20 ounce Coke from the store, my husband says no.

When my eight year old wants to spend the night at the friend’s house who she met ten minutes prior, her father says no.

When my three year old wants to play with a cell phone instead of using her imagination outside, her dad says no.

None of these things would kill the kids if he said yes (unless those new friend’s parents were psychopaths), but it was, in the very least, much better for them if he said no.

God loves when we ask because He loves talking with us, and He always answers. It’s just that His answer isn’t always yes. Many times it’s no, because more than anything He loves us and desires His best for us, not our best for us.

When we can face the fiery furnace of this life and say, “but even if He doesn’t,” then we are truly blessed. We’re blessed because we understand that the hot pits of this world mean nothing when held in comparison to eternity in His presence and love. It may get uncomfortable for a little while, it may even be painful, but it doesn’t last. Even if He doesn’t save you from your present fire, He promises to deliver you forever to a lasting afterlife of no more pain. Sometimes fire is just meant to purify us, to burn out the places that don’t belong. Sometimes you gotta smell like smoke a little to remind you of the truth.

And the truth is…

Even if He doesn’t,

He still loves you. He still has plans to prosper you. He still has plans to work out all things for your good.

Even if He doesn’t,

He’s still God, and we won’t bow down to anything less just to avoid a little fire.

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayers

by

Back in February of this year I found myself looking for another job assignment. As a travel nurse, every three months I took on a different contract, with a different hospital, in a different city. I’ve learned that nursing is pretty much the same no matter where you go, but the venue, well, that makes all of the difference. I travel with my husband and three daughters in an RV. We love it, and earlier this year we were excited to go somewhere new. We had enjoyed our time in South Carolina, but we were also ready for new sights to be seen.

Arizona. That’s where we wanted to go! We had never traveled out west, and though I was born in California and had family in New Mexico, I had never done more than drive through the state of Arizona. My husband and I scanned the internet for all the fabulous, outdoor activities, and we imagined ourselves hiking within the scenery of the lovely pictures we saw. We picked out the perfect, family friendly campground near the city we wished to go, and I excitedly salivated at the KOA Resort photos.

I worked with a recruiter, and immediately made him aware of our desires. He submitted at a couple of hospitals in Tucson and nearby Phoenix, and I eagerly awaited an interview. First week, nothing. No problem, I told myself. New jobs come out every week. We submitted again, and again no phone call. We submitted applications the third week in a row, and after no interview I began to wonder what was wrong with me.

“You have the best resume out there,” my recruiter consoled me.

Neither of us could understand it. With almost twenty years of experience and a stellar record, I was a shoo-in. What was the deal?! I hadn’t been silent in my desires for this job. I had prayed to land the Arizona contract not once, not twice, and not even just three times. I had prayed every single day to get that job! But no call came.

This morning I was reading a familiar story from Daniel about three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Most of you recognize the names as the fellows who were thrown into the fiery furnace of the king after refusing to bow to his idol. The climax of the account is found when despite the blaze the men suffer no harm, and they are saved by the son of God from the fire, not even smelling like smoke when they get out. My husband’s favorite part is when the king looks down and sees four men instead of three, and that was my favorite too until something else stuck out to me this morning as I read.

When King Nebuchadnezzar tells them they better bow down to his idol or they’re going in the furnace they reply that they’re not worried because their God will save them, but it’s the flip side of their reply that got me.

They continued, “but even if He doesn’t…”

Even if He doesn’t.

They knew God could do it. They had faith He could. But the real faith came in the statement that even if He didn’t, they still believed their God was the one and only true God. They wouldn’t bow down to anything else.

When I first realized I wasn’t getting a phone interview I was upset. I blamed it on my own lack to stand out, but then I was reminded of my prayers. Much like our fire repellant trio, I had prayed in faith.

“Lord,” I had prayed, “I really pray I get the job in Arizona, but above all, I want your will.”

I had wanted the job in Arizona, but even more than that I wanted to serve the Lord. I knew His sovereignty. I knew His omniscience. He knew from beginning to end, point A to point B, what was best for my family, and how best we might be used. Knowing this, I prayed for Arizona, but more than that I prayed He would take care of us and take us where we needed to go.

God didn’t answer my prayer to land the job in Arizona, and sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers. It’s in these times we must decide if we will continue to pray in a state of “even if He doesn’t.”

Even if He doesn’t, I love Him.

Even if He doesn’t, I trust Him.

Even if He doesn’t, I am blessed.

I am blessed because He loves me, and many times a part of being a loving Father is saying no.

When my six year old wants to get a 20 ounce Coke from the store, my husband says no.

When my eight year old wants to spend the night at the friend’s house who she met ten minutes prior, her father says no.

When my three year old wants to play with a cell phone instead of using her imagination outside, her dad says no.

None of these things would kill the kids if he said yes (unless those new friend’s parents were psychopaths), but it was, in the very least, much better for them if he said no.

God loves when we ask because He loves talking with us, and He always answers. It’s just that His answer isn’t always yes. Many times it’s no, because more than anything He loves us and desires His best for us, not our best for us.

When we can face the fiery furnace of this life and say, “but even if He doesn’t,” then we are truly blessed. We’re blessed because we understand that the hot pits of this world mean nothing when held in comparison to eternity in His presence and love. It may get uncomfortable for a little while, it may even be painful, but it doesn’t last. Even if He doesn’t save you from your present fire, He promises to deliver you forever to a lasting afterlife of no more pain. Sometimes fire is just meant to purify us, to burn out the places that don’t belong. Sometimes you gotta smell like smoke a little to remind you of the truth.

And the truth is…

Even if He doesn’t,

He still loves you. He still has plans to prosper you. He still has plans to work out all things for your good.

Even if He doesn’t,

He’s still God, and we won’t bow down to anything less just to avoid a little fire.

Here’s the Thing About Praying Specific Prayers…

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This morning I was reading in Genesis, and I love reliving the experience of real life people who experienced God’s goodness. But I was especially touched today when I read about Abraham’s servant who was tasked to find a wife for Isaac. The great part was when he started looking in earnest he asked God specifically to let it play out a certain way. He was like, God, so I’ll know it’s you, I want you to have the bride-to-be to give me a drink of water. Then for good measure let her offer some to my camels too. Ok? But the greatest part was before he even finished praying this outlandish prayer, God answered. I mean, the words hadn’t even left his lips before Rebekah walked up and offered him a cool drink. Ask and receive, am I right?! Then when he repeated the situation to her family they knew without a doubt that it was of God. How else could a prayer that specific be answered just as specifically if it wasn’t?

I found this account to be a fabulous reminder of how a prayer life should be. We should be so certain of God’s involvement and blessing on our life that we pull out all the stops. Abraham had told his servant that God would take care of it. So the servant went with that fact. He prayed a very specific prayer that only God could fulfill, and he had faith that God would do just what he asked. So much so that God answered before he even closed his lips. Bam!

I believe that these situations aren’t just stuck in the Old Testament, but that God has big, specific answers for us today. And He wants us to ask in belief that He will answer.

This morning the forecast called for rain. I had looked at it last night and told Ben we wouldn’t be going to the pool. A glance again this morning confirmed the weather report of rain and thunderstorms. But I really wanted a little sun by the pool. I think sometimes we have desires but feel guilt asking God for them. It’s like we think we’re being selfish to ask it of Him. The girls had already expressed their desire to go to the pool. It had been a lot of thunderstorms for the past two weeks as we entered Central Florida’s rainy season, and we’d been chased away from the pool by bad weather every time we’d gone. So as they expressed the same desire as me for sunshine, I called them over to pray about it with me. As we looked out the window at the gray sky and down at my phone at an even gloomier forecast we prayed for sunshine. Ben looked at his radar and said we might have an hour of overcast skies if we hurried. So off to the pool with high hopes we went.

Just like the girls had asked of us, I asked of God as we went. Please, Lord. Just keep the rain away for a little while. Let us enjoy some time at the pool together on my day off.

Well, not only did it not rain, but the sun came out in full force! There wasn’t a gray cloud in the sky for as far as I could see. And this was in total opposition to how it had looked before we left the house, what the radar had shown, or what the hourly forecast had promised. God gave us sunshine.

As I lay soaking in the rays after swimming with my girls, I watched my husband walk in his gifting. The sun and clear skies had brought another gentleman out by the pool, and in a fashion that only my husband can carry out, he struck up an easy conversation. He’s so unlike me. Where I have trouble conversing with a stranger, Ben takes to it like a fish to water. He feels like the best way to show God’s Love is to love people. So he takes every opportunity he can to talk with whoever God puts in his path. His gift of gab, heart for others, and easy way of listening is a treasure for me to watch.

After a few hours poolside we decided to go visit a small, scenic town down the road called Celebration. It easily lives up to its name with picturesque architecture and beautiful scenery. It’s a great place to grab lunch or ice cream, walk around, and even play in the fountain. We saw they rent specialty, family bikes for riding around the lake, and that will be our next adventure here. While we skipped the bikes today, we still had a wonderful time. It had rained just before we arrived, but stopped as we pulled into our parking spot. And it didn’t rain again until we were ready to go!

Here’s the thing about praying specific prayers… You get specific answers. Thank you, God, for a great day!

Did You Hear Me, God?

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The other night I lay down exhausted, and before I fell asleep I began to pray. In fact, I’m pretty sure I fell asleep praying, but I guess there’s really no better way to drift off. I do recall distinctly, though, before succumbing to the sandman asking God for two things. 

As I lay down on my comfy, new mattress I still winced before turning on my side. Is this what forty is like, I wondered; before asking for healing, that is. That morning I had been making my bed, and as I briskly pulled the quilt upward I felt a sharp twinge of pain in my lower back. Ouch! How embarrassing to injure oneself in such a manner, and all day I had assumed the ache would go away, yet as I lay in bed it seemed to be all I could feel and think about. Hence my first bedtime prayer. 

“Please heal my back, Lord,” I prayed. “Let the pain be completely gone when I wake up! In Jesus name.”

I boldly believed, and as I felt myself drifting away I thanked God for the things in my life, my husband, my children, His provision, and salvation, but I also prayed for a problem I had on occasion. Bad dreams. 

“Lord, I pray for good dreams. Let my dreams be from you,” I petitioned. Then I took it a step further. “May they be prophetic dreams.”

I fell asleep with a contented grin, but when I woke some seven hours later it wasn’t a smile upon my face. My eyes blinked groggily on the tale end of a nighttime picture-show, the strange, unwarranted dream still fresh in my brain, and it could only be described with one word. Bad. I had dreamed a bad dream. 

I sat up quickly and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Immediately I noticed the surge of pain present in my back. It was worse than yesterday. Way worse! It hadn’t healed overnight at all. In that moment I almost wanted to ask, “did you hear me, God,” but even in my downtrodden thoughts I only spoke one thing. Faith. 

“I still trust you, God,” I silently prayed. “No matter what, I trust you.”

Then I got up out of bed, pushing the back pain to the recesses of my mind, as much as I physically could anyway. I did mention it to my husband as we stood together at the coffee maker, but more to hear his thoughts than to complain. 

“It will be healed,” he said, as if it had already been done, and I readily agreed. 

“I know,” I said, kissing his cheek, and that was the last I thought of my back until later in the evening. 

It was a Tuesday, and Tuesdays were our busy days. Homeschool group, a softball double-header, and all the other things I was responsible for in a given day. We rushed about, doing our thing, and it wasn’t until later that night, fixing my dinner plate, that something unusual occurred to me. 

My back doesn’t hurt, I thought in surprise, and then I realized it had not bothered me since I told God that I trusted Him, no matter what. When I woke up the pain had been excruciating, and how it had gone from a solid eight to a zero was pretty darn cool. Plus there’s only been good dreams the past two night. I guess He heard me after all. 

When I Couldn’t Pray Depression Away

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My eyes fluttered open slowly, while eager rays of luxurious sunshine tried their best to break through my closed blinds. I turned to my right and saw the sleeping face of my toddler daughter, so lovely as her tiny nose sniffed the air above her, and long lashes curled towards the ceiling. I bet even the angels blushed at her beauty, and although the sight of her caused my heart to be happy, overall I was not. I found that odd. 

Normally a very optimistic and joyful person, I didn’t take well to waking in a foul mood. But it wasn’t just foul, it felt rather hopeless. That was the worst feeling of all. Indeed for a third day in a row I had awoken to sadness, and for the life of me I couldn’t pinpoint anything that I considered adequate cause. Yes, there had been upset, unexpected events, and even stress, but nothing that my logical mind thought should be causing me distress. Now if only my heart could agree. 

With the onslaught of bad feeling and melancholy sadness there was also frustration. In fact I felt oddly guilty for my persistent poor mood, after all, in my opinion my life was absolutely the best. So how could a woman who had everything she could possibly want feel as if she was lacking? Instead of the contentment I desired to reside within me, I felt as if it had been replaced by a hole. Visions of water circling the bathtub drain come to mind, as that’s what it felt was happening to the hope and peace that normally prevailed in my life. They were draining right out!

I did the only thing I knew to do, the thing that normally made me feel good. I prayed. And I prayed. I put on the armor of God, I read devotions, and I listened to worship music. It seemed to help, but the next thing I knew I’d be down in the dumps again. I wondered why it wasn’t working. Why couldn’t I pray my depression away, and it be gone for good?

Instead I would wake again the next day, and the first thought on my mind, aside from bad dreams I had experienced, was the realization that I still felt blue. Beyond blue. 

I began to crave God’s word as it seemed to be the only thing that helped. Even though the good feelings didn’t last, the peace I felt after reading scripture was worth it, so I read more. I dove into the Bible when I woke, and I would put my phone down at night, reaching for His book again before bed. I meditated on His goodness, and I just kept telling God that I trusted Him. 

In my frustration I realized that I had zero control of my emotional state. Though I wanted to be able to be strong enough and “spiritual” enough to combat the darkness and depression, I could not. It had very little to do with what “I” did to make it go away. I realized it was something I had to come back to day after day, and moment after moment. I didn’t even know what to say beyond, “help me.” So that’s what I said. 

Help me. 

Yesterday I woke up. The thirsty sunshine sought its entry into my bedroom window. My sleeping daughter’s upturned, cherry of a nose beckoned to be kissed, and her dark eyelashes continued to curl towards the heavens. I smiled. And I realized I didn’t feel sad. I don’t know where my melancholy sadness sprinted off to, but I know I didn’t make it disappear. If anything, this past week’s sufferings humbled me to the fact of how strong our emotions can be, and how totally reliant on Jesus I truly am. I can’t always pray my depression away. But I can pray. 

Something for the Disappointed Christian

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Growing up in the church I heard things like, “ask and you shall receive; knock and the door will be opened.” Well, that sounded good. As I read the scriptures and saw these very promises displayed before me I’ll admit that I felt pretty excited for a Father who would “give me the desires of my heart.”

I read a couple of other things about “His will,” and heard people repeat phrases like, “it’s gotta be God’s timing,” and while I understood that, I suppose, I’ll also admit that I liked the first part much better. I mean, “plans to prosper me” sounded really good. 

For anyone who has spent any length of time truly involved in a relationship with the Lord, they will see His goodness played out in their life. They will witness their life improve as they follow Him more closely. Some will even see amazing miracles of healing, and if you’re really in tune with God you’ll see Him in the tiniest of circumstances, such as waking prematurely when you forgot to set your alarm. 

For anyone who has spent any length of time truly involved in a relationship with the Lord, they will also be witness to prayers unanswered. When you love Jesus you don’t want that to be true, but it is. You want Him to bestow what you ask because you’re asking in faith, and with a heart that loves Him. Even though you don’t want it to be, it’s honestly disappointing. 

My heart currently holds a prayer that I’ve been praying for three years. Three years! I’ve been all the way around my spirit in this petition. I’ve asked, is it your will Lord? Take the desire from me if its not! The desire remains, I continue to pray, and I wait. I wait with the thought, if I can’t have this I still love you. I still trust you. That’s a hard thing to mean for real!

I can think of past prayerful petitions. I can recall praying for a particular job for my spouse, beseeching the Lord that it would be his! But He did not answer. Now years later my husband has a better job, far better than my limited mind could have imagined. 

I remember prayers to marry the man of my dreams. I found him, and I wanted him to be mine. But God did not answer. He didn’t answer until a decade later, and then my dream man did become my spouse. 

You can know the goodness of God. You can understood the truth of His knowledge that surpasses our finite minds. You can even submit to the whole business of God’s will, and maybe even His perfect timing, but that doesn’t make it suddenly not disappointing. When prayers go unanswered it still stings. Why God? I don’t mean to question you, but it hurts. Why must I hurt when I love you so?

 

Notice the words, “all your heart,” and the commandment to “lean not on your own understanding.”

 

Love means trust, and trust can’t be halfway. It falls apart if it is. Does disappointment still hurt? Yes. But somehow faith takes away the deep ache. It replaces it with hope. A hope that He will make our paths straight even if our ideas aren’t His ideas. Especially then. 

Hope is believing the one who loves you has your best interest at heart, whether you can understand or not. Hope knows a future is in store for you to bless you, not cause you harm. Hope transcends our timeline, and it offers peace even when we cannot see a way. 

My three year prayer remains in my heart, but I am also beginning to see the groundwork for its answer to come. Maybe there is something to that whole “God’s timing” thing. But still, I am good no matter what the outcome. I know that a Father who loves me knows best, and I’ll trust in that. 

So will I be upset if it doesn’t pan out? Honestly? Yes. But I will still love Him, and He will love me. That never changes. I continue to pray, I continue to listen, and I continue to trust. Even when I’m disappointed.