Brie Gowen

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I Cried in the Shower Today

March 20, 2022 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

Have you ever cried so hard it hurts? I’m talking about that deep burn in your throat that reaches all the way to your heart and back, only finding escape from the flames via hot, molten tears. That was me, sitting in my shower, somehow enjoying the emotion, yet begging it to simmer down before I hyperventilated. The last thing I needed was my husband to run into the bathroom, following an echoing thump, and find me slumped naked in the billowing steam. So, I tried to qualm my cries, yet the overflow of emotion erupted again, a fresh cascade of tears across my already wet face.

We had recently gone to a child’s birthday party, and I guess that’s where the story of tears started. My daughters were excited to see an old friend, and even opted to miss dance and voice lessons for the occasion. We had shopped excitedly for a present, each child contributing to the basket before making a final selection. They had chosen the outfits they would wear, and had asked me each and every day leading up to the event, “how much longer until the party?”

So, what happened?!

We had arrived to the gathering a little after its commencement, and already swarms of girls and boys bolted along the sandy beachfront. The birthday girl came running towards my oldest, screeching her name with excitement, enveloping her in a hug.

And my girl stood there awkwardly stiff, having trouble accepting the embrace. I heard Stephanie Tanner in my head proclaim, “how rude!”

Our awkward entrance continued. I looked around at my girls standing on the periphery of the group, looking shy, uncertain, and uncomfortable.

I encouraged them to “go and play.”

Yet, they kept coming back, and sitting on the outskirts, as if unsure of exactly how to go play. It didn’t make sense. These were their friends, and sure there were lots of other children they didn’t know, but my childhood wallflower self silently screamed, “go, be a part of the group!”

Yep, I had been that awkward kid in school, unsure how to act in social settings, sitting on the outside looking in. I had always done better one on one, a single bestie, and that trend had followed me my whole life.

“It’s Covid,” I thought.

Over a year of telling your children to stay away from other kids had surely stunted their social growth I hypothesized, and while I’m sure that’s true, it didn’t explain the fact that my tween had refused to bring her swimsuit, refused to wear shorts, and I had to buy her a baseball cap just to keep her from wearing a winter boggin pulled down over her head. Was that just a phase? Y’all, parenting is hard.

She had headphones in her ears, so she wouldn’t have to listen to the voices of others, and sunglasses because the sun hurt her vampire eyes. I’m sure it had nothing to do with being holed up in her dark room most of the time (insert tired mommy sigh).

I texted my spouse, “our kids have no idea how to act in a large group.”

I was questioning my own parenting skills, imagining all the ways I was messing up my kiddos, and trying not to worry I might be creating an ax murderer. Just kidding. Kinda.

My husband quickly replied, “uhhh, neither do their parents.”

Oh Lord, my husband and I were closet introverts. We loved people, and even flourished in one on one relationships, but put us in a group setting, and our left eye started to twitch. We hated crowds and avoided going places on weekends like the plague. We were happy to sit at home, and neither of us had the desire to go out with friends to blow off steam. We liked the bed, dinner and a movie, quiet time, and no expectations. His words made sense.

But still, I worried about my babies.

And that’s what I talked to God about in the shower. I handed Him my worries and my babies, listening to the counsel of the Holy Spirit. At some point in our conversation He brought me a vision of a flower in a field. Like the sunflowers we had grown last year, this flower tilted its head towards the light, and the light shown on its face, giving it new life.

The sun set and darkness surrounded the solitary plant. From above came a thermal blanket, like the kind a gardener would use to protect his prize winning roses from a spring frost. I knew at that moment, that was how God covered me and my family.

Each flower in His garden was unique, each created and cultivated to be its own creation, for His glory and kingdom purposes. His light illuminated and fed each one as it turned its face to Him, and He protected them from dark and cold places.

I felt the Lord speak to me, “nothing is by accident. I created each of your children according to my giftings. Nothing can take away from that. Nor does it need to be.”

I recognized that perhaps my children were different than the average child. Each one had nuances, sensitivities, or gifts that made them unique. I had grown up feeling like a square peg, longing to fit into a world I couldn’t seem to become comfortable being a part of. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized God created me square, with a square hole in mind for me. After all, squares make the best block for building God’s Kingdom. I wanted my girls to feel alive and beautiful in their uniqueness, and I realized that started with me not expecting them to fit into standard social norms. They were created for more than that. I didn’t need to worry so much as trust. And while there was nothing wrong with noticing peculiarities, or even learning more about those particular social styles, making a diagnosis or treatment plan if necessary, the bottom line was they were beautiful flowers in God’s garden, perfect in their specific design. Even if that made group events a little cringe worthy.

So, why did I cry? Gratitude, I suppose. What the world calls wounded, God calls blessed. What society would view as imperfect, He sets apart. And best of all, His light and love never fail. His covering persists, through every season, even the ones of drought and doubt. I’m still growing. My girls are too. I suppose, sometimes it’s the tears of gratefulness and joy that water the soil best.

Did You Know This About Your Husband?!

January 31, 2022 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

I was mopping the bedroom floor with our brand new mop. Man, it was so dusty in there! I’ll start by saying, I was the first one to use this mop. I bought it two weeks ago, and when I pulled it out this morning my husband exclaimed with surprise, “I forgot all about you getting that!”

That kinda sets the theme for this story, y’all.

Back to the bedroom, it was so dusty because my husband rarely did the floors in there. Important to mention, at this point, is the fact my husband sweeps the living room and kitchen floors every single day. We have three children under eleven in the home, all day every day. He homeschools them. They eat about a billion meals a day at the bar, dropping a tsunami of enough crumbs to feed the state of Rhode Island. He does plenty of housekeeping. Remembering this as I mopped our dusty bedroom tile helped me mop with a happy pace rather than the rage against the housework moms can get while they pick up after other people. I mean, seriously, no one executed tasks like a woman!

As I went about my mopping my mind zigzagged through an off-day to-do list as it usually does. You know what I’m talking about, ladies. You have this one day, and you have a list of things you want to complete. The only question is, what gets crossed off and what gets moved to the next day.

Toilet paper, my brain shouted, like a dog who sees a squirrel. We needed it. I’d have to go get it. Why hadn’t my husband offered to go get it?! He knew I worked tomorrow. He knew I hated running errands on my last day off!

Like I had shot a mental arrow, he appeared through the doorway. “Babe, stop. You gotta work tomorrow. You need to chill.”

“That reminds me,” I replied, “I was wondering if you could go get some toilet paper from the store for us? I have been to the store the past two days, and my goal is to not leave the house today.”

“You betcha,” he replied happily. “I forgot we needed some.”

As I finished the last section of tile, already looking forward to reading a book in my favorite corner, I laughed to myself about men and women. In case you haven’t figured it out, we are way different. The problem came when we, as women, assume our men should be like us.

I remember it took me some time being married to learn this truth. Men do not think like women. Not at all. I know there are exceptions to all rules, so to speak, but for the most part, women are better at task completion and multitasking. Sorry, fellas, who may have gotten this far, if you’re offended, but this is how we ladies see it. Lol. We remember the things. We lay in bed at night thinking about the things. Meanwhile, hubby is snoring softly. Know what I’m saying? Point is, women remember things like needing toilet paper, sweeping dust bunnies out of the corner, or calling the cable company about last month’s bill.

I’m not sure why our brain, for the most part, works so differently from our male counterparts, but knowing my Heavenly Father like I do, I know it’s with good reason. I think of my tendency to sweat the small stuff, and how my husband’s chill and nonchalant manner, while sometimes exasperating to me, also helps to keep me anchored towards a kingdom mindset. When my anxious thoughts of things of this world want to run rampant, my spouse is the steady buoy of my mental storm. He’s the steady truth to my sometimes cray-cray, so if he forgets to try out the new mop, he’s forgiven.

One key I’ve found to a happy marriage is not expecting my husband to be like me or to be who I think he should be. He is who God made him to be. In times past, when those differences have been bothersome, I either pray to the One who can change a man’s heart better than me, or I have responded to my husband with love, patience, and understanding. In turn, he responds to me in love and service. Plus, I try and remind myself what’s really important in the long term. Is it a healthy relationship with the man I love or a ball of dirty socks in the floor? Is it always being right, or being humble and happy?

Every day in a relationship we are faced with how we will respond to the action (or lack thereof) by our partner. Yes, there are big issues that warrant discussion! But there are hundreds of tiny, insignificant matters that must be recognized as such so they don’t build up and become big issues. Often when faced with a small nuisance, I can combat that by recognizing my own faults and remembering the many, beautiful sacrifices my partner makes in our relationship.

He’s not like me. He doesn’t think like me. But that’s ok. He loves me. He loves me more than I’ve ever been loved. He takes such good care of me! He protects me, and he would lay down his life for me. If I ask, he does it. He waits on me hand and foot. Y’all, I’m blessed with what I consider to be the best husband and father to my children in the world. If I need to remind him we’re out of toilet paper, so be it. Plus, would I really want to be married to the male version of me?!

How to Feel Joy in Pain

October 7, 2021 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

Yesterday I was driving to run a few errands. I had one day off before returning to my stressful job in the ICU, and that meant the day was dwindling away with unpleasurable tasks rather than sitting by the pool and reading a book. Yet, despite my mundane to-do’s, I cranked up the radio with a smile, hummed happily as I admired the blue sky, and drove forward in joy while the warmth of the day rested on my happy face. I had a minuscule moment of surprise over my unexpected elation, before it hit me why I was walking on sunshine at all. Every day got better than the last!

Look, I’m a realist. I’m not going to try and sprinkle rainbows on your cloudy day. I’m not spouting a magic cure or trying to be a lifestyle coach of optimism. But what I will do is share with you my life experiences.

I suffer from depression, and I also suffer from anxiety. Some days are better than others. Some days, though, I’m sad for no reason, and that drives me mad. I go through seasons where my melancholy mood is worse than others, and I can be negatively affected by work stress and problems in relationships with friends or family. I’m an over-thinker, and my persistence in going over a problem repeatedly will keep me up at night. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not without trouble. I’m not perfect. But I have found what helps.

I’ll go ahead and get this out of the way… I’m on an antidepressant/anti anxiety medication prescribed by my doctor. In fact, I reached out to my physician a couple of months ago when I saw the signs that my condition was worsening and a dose adjustment was necessary. I hate when the devil tries to use our weaknesses against us, like telling us we’re not a “good enough Christian” if we can’t get rid of mental illness by prayer and Bible reading. It’s simply not true!

I come from a long line/family history of mental illness, depression, alcoholism, and suicide. I won’t pretend to be an expert on chemical imbalances and hereditary factors in mental health, but I will say I believe they exist. I’m a believer in nature AND nurture. Your past experiences do affect your future self. Do they control the narrative? No. But we can’t throw out the scars that rejection and other painful instances leave in their wake. Also, I believe in spiritual forces beyond our recognition. I believe in familial curses that can impact one generation after another, and I believe the devil prowls like a lion looking to destroy us. I believe in demonic forces at work in mankind distorting our perception of reality and feeding lies into our thoughts. Never-mind external stressors like working a pandemic in critical care (insert your own personal stressor)!

With so many different factors that play a part in mental health, how can we as Christians say just one thing works? So, if you’ve ever felt guilty, or been made to feel guilty, for seeking medical help for your mental health, please don’t. Throw that out with the garbage. I love Jesus more than the air I breathe, but I still found myself with suicidal ideation the day before my period would start. I talk to God all day long, yet I couldn’t stop myself from worrying about things that were not even things! I read my Bible every day, but I know better than to think I’ve kicked addiction’s butt. I can’t just have a glass of wine and call it a day. It will end up being a whole bottle and headache in the morning. I know the Lord has broken the chains of addiction in my life, but I’m not about to put Him to the test. It’s not necessary. But I digress. I’m just trying to say, this is a broken world. Don’t be surprised if you need a little help picking up the pieces. You can believe in God’s healing and still take an antidepressant. God does much of his healing through the work of His children, be it a counselor or prescription provider.

But let’s get to the meat of this post. I’ve had plenty of patients over the years that have been on a bucket of medication, but they still couldn’t get out of their pit. Remember when I discussed the multifaceted nature of mental health? I believe that my healing, strength, and joy come from Jesus. Yes, I take a daily prescription, and yes, I talk about my feelings, but it’s His strength that keeps me going. Here are a few things that have made a positive difference in my life.

One, I read the Bible every day and spend substantial time in His presence. You can do this a number of ways. I read devotions from the Bible app on my phone. I read encouraging emails from trusted, Christian websites. I will take out my Bible and just open it up where I feel the Holy Spirit leads me and read. That may just be letting it fall open, or going to a book you feel the Spirit impress to your mind. I also journal. I’m going to attach a diagram of words. You can pick one for each day. Get your word, pray and ask God to speak to your heart, and then just write whatever comes out. This is a great way to communicate with Him. On work days I listen to praise music on my commute and I worship like the interior of my car is church on Sunday morning. Some of my best times with the Lord have been in the car!

Image from HIScoach Training Academy

Two, I give Him every day. I discovered my best place to get quiet time that is uninterrupted is in the shower. I bought a shower chair, and I’ll have a seat and talk to my Father. I pray about different things. Yesterday I just talked to Jesus like He was my best friend (because He is), and I told Him different things I had been thinking about my home and work life. He didn’t say anything back, but I knew He was listening, and I felt a weight lifted afterwards. One thing I always do in my shower chair/prayer closet is surrender my life/day to Him. I close my eyes and imagine I’m at the foot of His throne. Then I lay down physical objects that signify my mental battles. I lay down anxiety, depression, worry, doubt, and fear. I also give Him my finances, family, and future. I call it laying down the big three. I ask for more or His Spirit and less of this world. I ask for ears to hear His Spirit and truth over everything else. I do this every single day.

Now, this one I had slacked off on, but I picked it back up because I find it helpful, I see a difference, and it’s super easy. I daily apply the Armor of God (Ephesians 6). I memorized these verses, not exactly word for word, but enough to recite them. I say the full armor out loud and mentally put it on. Take that, Satan! Don’t laugh, bro. It works.

Lastly, I strive to walk in Kingdom Truth. This is sooooo hard. That’s why you see me doing all the above stuff daily. To fight fear, you have to be like a well-trained athlete. You have to daily feed on the truth of God according to scripture. You have to allow that truth to become who you are. The truth of scripture changes you! If you know a Christian who isn’t different from the world and displaying the fruits of the spirit, such as love, patience, kindness, joy, and self-control, then they are just forgetting the truth of God. We all have our moments, but to walk in Kingdom Truth means to understand this world is temporary. The problems we face won’t be forever, but a life full of love in Jesus will last for eternity. Nothing can truly harm us as followers of Him. We don’t fear change, political unrest, or the opinions of others. We don’t allow broken relationships to break us. We understand that while the tears may come right now, that joy comes in the morning (future). This life is a sandcastle, and the waves will eventually sweep it away, but until then keep building your castle for the Lord. Invite others to build with you; even the sinners (oh, wait, that’s all of us). Even the ones persisting in sin (oh, wait, that’s all of us)!

Pain comes, but joy is the River of the Holy Spirit that runs through the heart of every believer. We just forget it’s there. Spending time with the Living Water (Jesus) will remind us of that truth. Depression happens on this earth, but the truth reminds us that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Like Paul, God won’t always take the thorn from our side, but He will use it to help us find our way. Our way back to His truth. The truth that we are sons and daughters of a King who rules the entire earth and Heavens, yet still absolutely adores little ole you and me. We love because He loves us. We lay down our offenses because He laid down ours. We forgive, as He forgives. We help the hurting. We seek His healing and guidance. We allow trouble to roll off our backs like water off a duck, because He is in control of all things! He fights our battles! He protects, guides, and provides. And remembering this truth, that I have to remind myself of daily, spending time with Him, this truth brings me joy even in the midst of pain.

What the Church Needs to Pray for Most

February 13, 2021 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

I have a lot of friends send me links to articles, videos, or Facebook posts gone viral. They typically span from one side of the spectrum to the other, much like my friends’ list, and I receive each one with an open heart and mind. Because, you see, I don’t know everything. Sure, I have opinions, but I’ll never claim to know all the answers. So, I will watch that video with an open mind and listening spirit. I may not finish them all, but I give each opinion, each commentary, and each bold-emblazoned rant equal opportunity to be a pass or go for my heart.

Pass or go. When I watch some of these videos I think they are put together very well. I read the eloquent words a particular author painstakingly pens and I think, “they did a great job getting their point across.” Many of the things I read or listen to are very convincing in their natural medium, but it’s there I try to separate the wheat from the chaff. In a world of so much misinformation, so perfectly packaged, we must have eyes to see and ears to hear. But not the way you would think.

Matthew 13: 14 In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: ‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. 15 For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.’

It’s easy to see with eyes of this world because this world is where we are. I often have to remind myself that I may be “in” this world, but I’m not “of” it. I am seated with Christ in Heavenly places. So, while my body is here in the world, my spirit exists with Christ. I have to keep that mindset. I have to utilize my spiritual eyes and ears in a world so noisy. I have to accept the gift of wisdom.

Wisdom. This must be our prayer. After watching a particularly saddening video from a friend this morning, I sat in the shower praying for wisdom. This is what the Church (we believers) need most.

James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Remember when I said earlier that I don’t know everything? Well, because of that, I frequently pray for wisdom. We exist in a time of public opinion, in a time of social media, in a time of free-flowing and varying information, but also in a time where the enemy still prowls and seeks to devour. God gives wisdom when we ask! We must have wisdom, but not wisdom simply from our local church, respected “Godly” friend, favorite news channel, or well-produced YouTube video. We must have wisdom from the Holy Spirit. We must have spirit and truth. We must have quiet time set aside to commune with Jesus in prayer, and more time reading and re-reading scripture. We need more time in the Bible and worship than we spend on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube. That way, when craftily concocted notions come our way, the Spirit of Truth will give us eyes to see and ears to hear! Without the wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit, we are tossed to and fro.

Have you noticed the world lately?! There’s a lot of people being tossed to and fro.

A large issue with the human nature is the sin of pride. I have taken to laying down pride at the feet of Jesus every morning in the shower. If you haven’t noticed, the shower is my prayer closet. I get up early on work days just so I’ll not neglect that time. I lay down pride, something I struggle with, and that we all struggle with. Human hearts crave love. Most of those hearts don’t realize it’s the love of Jesus they need. So they fill their hearts with other things. But it doesn’t have to be drugs or booze, guys. That’s the devil talking to the church. Nope. Most times the religious folks fill their love bucket with pride. We believe if we are knowledgeable we are loved. If we are right, we feel good. To be wrong, that feels bad. We desire acceptance, and we need people to accept our point of view. To applaud us for it! If anything threatens our existence of being right, we become personally threatened. We get angry. We push away another point of view. We ridicule it, even. Pride. We have ears, but don’t hear. I mean, we already know everything God said. Why listen for more? We have eyes, but don’t see. We’ve already seen what God wants us to see. No need being open for more.

We have become a stagnant people. Hard-headed like our ancestors in the desert, and arrogantly certain of our opinions. We lack wisdom. We have plenty of disinformation, but we’re lacking in any way to tell it apart from what God may be trying to speak.

I would encourage you as a believer to seek God first. Seek Him over the media. Seek Him over what you’ve always been taught or told in your tiny circle. Seek His heart in the red letters of scripture, and pray for wisdom to apply that instruction to your very life. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is about the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5). Read it. And then read it again. Sometimes I read this chapter before I go into work. Meditate on it. Ask the Lord to show you how to carry these fruits. And then ask yourself if the opinions you speak are in line with these fruits that tell us the Holy Spirit thrives in us. Ask yourself if what you read bears those fruits. Ask yourself if the information coming to you has the fruit of the spirit, or if it is simply disguised with the fruit of the flesh.

I’m Done With God

November 30, 2020 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

“Don’t preach to me. I’m done with God.”

This is something a friend said to me recently, and afterwards it really got me to thinking. At the time I remember my head said, “He’s not done with you, though,” yet the words that came out of my mouth were more subdued.

“Ok.”

That is what I had said. To back down was easier than to engage, but that doesn’t mean it’s always the best answer. Thinking over the situation I realized my friend was done like a lot of people were done. It wasn’t so much that he was done with God, but rather that He was done with religion. I get it.

Religion, to me, is like book learning. I read all the material in nursing school. I even took notes. But I did not develop a love for the field until I entered into it hands on. I mean, I was intrigued by anatomy and physiology. The idea of healing made me happy. But it wasn’t until I saw the power of how my healing hands affected another human being that the field of nursing brought me joy. If I just looked at it as a paycheck, I’m sure I would have found something easier on my back with better hours long ago. Droves of nurses flee the bedside because the stress of the field is frustrating and overwhelming. Some of us stay because we’ve fallen in love with what we do. I think for much of the world, they’re easily burned out on religion. I get it.

My friend had asked me some questions about that angry God in the sky. I think the hellfire and damnation part was causing a great divide in his heart. He couldn’t understand how he could follow a Father who would let good friends of his not experience eternity in Heaven. I think he was kinda seeing God like the mean kid in high school who threw the best parties, but you only got invited if your parent’s bank account was up to par. I get it. Book learning will only teach you so much. Heart learning is the only way to get the right answers.

At the time I simply said, “I’m not the judge of who goes to heaven or hell. I leave that up to Him.” But I should have said more.

I should have admitted, “I don’t know all the answers, but I do know my Father.”

I know Jesus. And to know Him is to trust Him.

I don’t know why good people die young. I don’t know why my mother died at 54, or why a good friend of mine just died at 51. But I do know God is good. I didn’t just learn that by going to church, and not even just by taping some inspirational Bible verses on my bathroom mirror. I learned it by love.

I don’t know what happens when hurting, lost people die. I know what scriptures say about things like “weeping and gnashing of teeth,” and I believe that the only way to eternal life is through Jesus, but I don’t know what happens in the unseen. I don’t know what happens on a spiritual plain between here and there. But I know Him. I know He is love. I know He is forgiveness. I know He is the way.

I’m not a Biblical scholar, and I’m not an expert on the law. But I do know Grace. I know that it saves. I do know mercy, and I know the Father’s is abundant.

I think my friend, and a lot of people out there aren’t so much done with God as they are just getting started with Him. The beginning of any relationship can be rocky. The Holy Spirit calls us in. Our hearts are made to be filled with Him. But changing the way we live our lives? That will never come by memorizing scripture. It will come, though, by falling in love with the One who breathed those words into life. And that sweet Ruach, breath longs to blow off the pages into our lives.

This is hard to write. See, I don’t want to discount the truth of the words written in the Bible, but I do want to impress that they are more than just words we must adhere to. They are a doorway into a relationship, a happy home built into our hearts, and therein the answers are found. Without the relationship the words can be meaningless. I know many atheists who have read the Bible front to back. Without the love embossed on the pages, we lose sight of the author’s heart.

I don’t know all the answers to this broken world, but I do know the heart of the God who saved it. I found that the difficult questions of life no longer bothered me as much when I put my focus on the final answer to it all. Jesus. I remember a song I learned when I was young, based on scripture.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness. And all these things will be added unto you.

It was true all along. To seek is to find, and to find is to know. To know isn’t to know all the answers, but it is to know that whatever the answer is, it is good. It is good because He is good. There are so many things we cannot understand, fathom, or explain, but we can get a little bit closer to the answers by knowing His heart. All I know is, my God is love, and He loves all His children. I will trust Him to sort it out and do things in a magnificently beautiful way. A way that upends religion, much like He upended those tables.

I said before that I didn’t think my friend was so much done with God, but rather he hadn’t got good and started yet. What I’m saying is, you can go to church every Sunday and listen to the entire sermon, but until you spend time alone with Jesus, talking to Him, reading His words, and asking Him to speak the truth of those words through His Holy Spirit into your heart, you’re gonna get tripped up on the details. You’re gonna think the Judge in the sky is angry over your sins, and you’ll forget the Savior who said, “forgive them, Father, they don’t know what they’re doing.” Even as they tortured and killed Him! He spilled His blood for the crowds that yelled “crucify Him,” and until you know that Jesus like a best friend, you’re going to be done too.

Religion will make you say grace before a meal, but relationship will have you give away your last bit of food. Like any relationship, that is cultivated by time together, a love life with Jesus will change your perspective of who He is.

You won’t say, “how can God do this to me!”

You’ll pray, “Jesus, help me through this. I don’t know what you’re doing through this, but I know it must be for my good.”

God loves us too much to be a big, mean kid with a magnifying glass burning ants on the sidewalk. But the only way to see Him as He intends is to get to know Him. I should have told my friend when he asked me tough questions, “my Father, the Dad I know, He isn’t looking down from the clouds with a menacing grin while He throws people in a fire pit.”

If that’s who you think God is, then I would encourage you to dive a little deeper. Get to know Him, and then all the hard questions will have the same easy answer. Realize you’re not done; you never really got started. And He is certainly no where near completed with us.

The Space Behind the Waterfall

October 6, 2020 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

I saw a waterfall. Powerful, loud. The cascade of water fell from high and it crashed on the rock below. It fed into a large pool of blue, and bits of foam flew as it churned.

I knew the waterfall represented the power of God.

As I looked on and listened to the magnificent display I compared it to God’s hand at work in our lives. Although the sheet of rushing liquid looked like a single action, it actually consisted of millions of drops combined, billions of water molecules, trillions of hydrogen and oxygen atoms. In other words, more was going on than met the eye. The water fell, but it wasn’t just that simple.

In between the shimmering cascades I glimpsed the space behind the waterfall, and in my vision I went there, drawn by the tranquility of the cleft. As I entered the hidden room behind the magnificent water wall I realized something immediately. It was quiet there. I could hear the stillness. My ears no longer roared with the noise outside.

I realized then that I had been drawn in, closer to the presence of God, to hear His voice, to know His will.

I had asked to hear the Lord’s voice for what I should pray, and in the quietness of my minivan, on my morning commute, I heard from Him. In the quiet space, behind the water, drawn to His presence, I felt the Lord ask me to pray for the president. I knew it had to be God because I had not been a fan of the Commander in Chief recently. The harsh words of the POTUS hurt my heart, and his actions this year often made me wince. Even though I agreed with so much of the Republican Party’s policy, the un-Christ-like behavior of its leader had made it difficult for me to rally behind him.

I don’t want this to be a political post, but I couldn’t think of how to share my thoughts without being honest about the specifics. Instead of having your feathers ruffled or jumping to Trump’s defense, just try and hear me out until the end.

As the Lord led me to pray for the POTUS, I remembered some things that are easy to forget. For one, even when people don’t act like it, the fact remains that they are image-bearers. We are all made in His image, His children, and dearly loved by the Father. Regardless of our mistakes. That is grace. It didn’t mean we shouldn’t be held to high standards, or a certain behavior maintained for a certain position, but it did mean I couldn’t forget how the people that I disagree with, still mattered immensely to God. Secondly, there was the waterfall.

God worked a lot like that waterfall. He was so big, powerful, and multifaceted; we couldn’t see all the parts of His work. We couldn’t fathom each piece of His plan. All I felt in that moment was that I needed to press in close, behind the scene. I needed to get away from the noise of the outside and seek His inner heart. Although it wasn’t what I expected, or what I would have chosen on my own, I felt strongly the Lord impress to me that it was His desire for Trump to be the President. Like, He wanted him there.

Then I felt like he wouldn’t be elected in November, though. I can’t really say I understood that at first. From what I know, God’s will always prevails, right? I’ve prayed about this, and still feel the same about it. I guess the best way to describe it is, I felt it impressed to me that it was God’s desire for Trump to be in the office, but He would allow that not to happen. I don’t know what that means for our future, but I do know that God works like that waterfall. It was God’s will that I marry my husband, Ben, but God allowed me to make a wrong decision and marry another man first (before it ended horribly). Then He brought us back to His original will (Ben and I being husband and wife). In His mercy and grace He brought us back. Like the magnificent waterfall.

So, I guess I’m saying I think that this election will not come out like many Christians hope. God wants His plan for us, but then He also allows us to find our way there. We make many missteps, but in our stumbles He teaches the greatest lessons. I have felt all year like the Lord is bringing forth His true church, a beautiful collection of saints who desire to live out His heart. I’ve met a lot of people with that heart, but I think it may take a little refining fire to bring it out of others. I mean, we are all image-bearers. Some just resemble His image a little closer than others. I humbly admit, I am still working on my shine. I know it’s often times distorted.

I do know that this particular morning the Lord led me to pray for a man I would not have on my own. I’ll admit that. He also reminded me that His way of accomplishing something is beyond what I think or imagine. He let me know that the only way I’ll keep in step with His Will is by pressing in closely and cutting off the noise outside. So that’s my plan from here on out.

I’m aware this post will be met with a raised brow by some who read it, and many people will think I’m way off base. Perhaps I am. Thankfully, I don’t need to always be right, but I do know I’m listening, and that is what we all must do more of. I do know I’m praying when and for what He leads me to pray for, and I’m reading and holding to His Word. I don’t seek the approval of man. I’ll simply seek the space behind the waterfall. That’s where I meet my Father.

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayers

September 4, 2019 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

Back in February of this year I found myself looking for another job assignment. As a travel nurse, every three months I took on a different contract, with a different hospital, in a different city. I’ve learned that nursing is pretty much the same no matter where you go, but the venue, well, that makes all of the difference. I travel with my husband and three daughters in an RV. We love it, and earlier this year we were excited to go somewhere new. We had enjoyed our time in South Carolina, but we were also ready for new sights to be seen.

Arizona. That’s where we wanted to go! We had never traveled out west, and though I was born in California and had family in New Mexico, I had never done more than drive through the state of Arizona. My husband and I scanned the internet for all the fabulous, outdoor activities, and we imagined ourselves hiking within the scenery of the lovely pictures we saw. We picked out the perfect, family friendly campground near the city we wished to go, and I excitedly salivated at the KOA Resort photos.

I worked with a recruiter, and immediately made him aware of our desires. He submitted at a couple of hospitals in Tucson and nearby Phoenix, and I eagerly awaited an interview. First week, nothing. No problem, I told myself. New jobs come out every week. We submitted again, and again no phone call. We submitted applications the third week in a row, and after no interview I began to wonder what was wrong with me.

“You have the best resume out there,” my recruiter consoled me.

Neither of us could understand it. With almost twenty years of experience and a stellar record, I was a shoo-in. What was the deal?! I hadn’t been silent in my desires for this job. I had prayed to land the Arizona contract not once, not twice, and not even just three times. I had prayed every single day to get that job! But no call came.

This morning I was reading a familiar story from Daniel about three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Most of you recognize the names as the fellows who were thrown into the fiery furnace of the king after refusing to bow to his idol. The climax of the account is found when despite the blaze the men suffer no harm, and they are saved by the son of God from the fire, not even smelling like smoke when they get out. My husband’s favorite part is when the king looks down and sees four men instead of three, and that was my favorite too until something else stuck out to me this morning as I read.

When King Nebuchadnezzar tells them they better bow down to his idol or they’re going in the furnace they reply that they’re not worried because their God will save them, but it’s the flip side of their reply that got me.

They continued, “but even if He doesn’t…”

Even if He doesn’t.

They knew God could do it. They had faith He could. But the real faith came in the statement that even if He didn’t, they still believed their God was the one and only true God. They wouldn’t bow down to anything else.

When I first realized I wasn’t getting a phone interview I was upset. I blamed it on my own lack to stand out, but then I was reminded of my prayers. Much like our fire repellant trio, I had prayed in faith.

“Lord,” I had prayed, “I really pray I get the job in Arizona, but above all, I want your will.”

I had wanted the job in Arizona, but even more than that I wanted to serve the Lord. I knew His sovereignty. I knew His omniscience. He knew from beginning to end, point A to point B, what was best for my family, and how best we might be used. Knowing this, I prayed for Arizona, but more than that I prayed He would take care of us and take us where we needed to go.

God didn’t answer my prayer to land the job in Arizona, and sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers. It’s in these times we must decide if we will continue to pray in a state of “even if He doesn’t.”

Even if He doesn’t, I love Him.

Even if He doesn’t, I trust Him.

Even if He doesn’t, I am blessed.

I am blessed because He loves me, and many times a part of being a loving Father is saying no.

When my six year old wants to get a 20 ounce Coke from the store, my husband says no.

When my eight year old wants to spend the night at the friend’s house who she met ten minutes prior, her father says no.

When my three year old wants to play with a cell phone instead of using her imagination outside, her dad says no.

None of these things would kill the kids if he said yes (unless those new friend’s parents were psychopaths), but it was, in the very least, much better for them if he said no.

God loves when we ask because He loves talking with us, and He always answers. It’s just that His answer isn’t always yes. Many times it’s no, because more than anything He loves us and desires His best for us, not our best for us.

When we can face the fiery furnace of this life and say, “but even if He doesn’t,” then we are truly blessed. We’re blessed because we understand that the hot pits of this world mean nothing when held in comparison to eternity in His presence and love. It may get uncomfortable for a little while, it may even be painful, but it doesn’t last. Even if He doesn’t save you from your present fire, He promises to deliver you forever to a lasting afterlife of no more pain. Sometimes fire is just meant to purify us, to burn out the places that don’t belong. Sometimes you gotta smell like smoke a little to remind you of the truth.

And the truth is…

Even if He doesn’t,

He still loves you. He still has plans to prosper you. He still has plans to work out all things for your good.

Even if He doesn’t,

He’s still God, and we won’t bow down to anything less just to avoid a little fire.

When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayers

September 4, 2019 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

Back in February of this year I found myself looking for another job assignment. As a travel nurse, every three months I took on a different contract, with a different hospital, in a different city. I’ve learned that nursing is pretty much the same no matter where you go, but the venue, well, that makes all of the difference. I travel with my husband and three daughters in an RV. We love it, and earlier this year we were excited to go somewhere new. We had enjoyed our time in South Carolina, but we were also ready for new sights to be seen.

Arizona. That’s where we wanted to go! We had never traveled out west, and though I was born in California and had family in New Mexico, I had never done more than drive through the state of Arizona. My husband and I scanned the internet for all the fabulous, outdoor activities, and we imagined ourselves hiking within the scenery of the lovely pictures we saw. We picked out the perfect, family friendly campground near the city we wished to go, and I excitedly salivated at the KOA Resort photos.

I worked with a recruiter, and immediately made him aware of our desires. He submitted at a couple of hospitals in Tucson and nearby Phoenix, and I eagerly awaited an interview. First week, nothing. No problem, I told myself. New jobs come out every week. We submitted again, and again no phone call. We submitted applications the third week in a row, and after no interview I began to wonder what was wrong with me.

“You have the best resume out there,” my recruiter consoled me.

Neither of us could understand it. With almost twenty years of experience and a stellar record, I was a shoo-in. What was the deal?! I hadn’t been silent in my desires for this job. I had prayed to land the Arizona contract not once, not twice, and not even just three times. I had prayed every single day to get that job! But no call came.

This morning I was reading a familiar story from Daniel about three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Most of you recognize the names as the fellows who were thrown into the fiery furnace of the king after refusing to bow to his idol. The climax of the account is found when despite the blaze the men suffer no harm, and they are saved by the son of God from the fire, not even smelling like smoke when they get out. My husband’s favorite part is when the king looks down and sees four men instead of three, and that was my favorite too until something else stuck out to me this morning as I read.

When King Nebuchadnezzar tells them they better bow down to his idol or they’re going in the furnace they reply that they’re not worried because their God will save them, but it’s the flip side of their reply that got me.

They continued, “but even if He doesn’t…”

Even if He doesn’t.

They knew God could do it. They had faith He could. But the real faith came in the statement that even if He didn’t, they still believed their God was the one and only true God. They wouldn’t bow down to anything else.

When I first realized I wasn’t getting a phone interview I was upset. I blamed it on my own lack to stand out, but then I was reminded of my prayers. Much like our fire repellant trio, I had prayed in faith.

“Lord,” I had prayed, “I really pray I get the job in Arizona, but above all, I want your will.”

I had wanted the job in Arizona, but even more than that I wanted to serve the Lord. I knew His sovereignty. I knew His omniscience. He knew from beginning to end, point A to point B, what was best for my family, and how best we might be used. Knowing this, I prayed for Arizona, but more than that I prayed He would take care of us and take us where we needed to go.

God didn’t answer my prayer to land the job in Arizona, and sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers. It’s in these times we must decide if we will continue to pray in a state of “even if He doesn’t.”

Even if He doesn’t, I love Him.

Even if He doesn’t, I trust Him.

Even if He doesn’t, I am blessed.

I am blessed because He loves me, and many times a part of being a loving Father is saying no.

When my six year old wants to get a 20 ounce Coke from the store, my husband says no.

When my eight year old wants to spend the night at the friend’s house who she met ten minutes prior, her father says no.

When my three year old wants to play with a cell phone instead of using her imagination outside, her dad says no.

None of these things would kill the kids if he said yes (unless those new friend’s parents were psychopaths), but it was, in the very least, much better for them if he said no.

God loves when we ask because He loves talking with us, and He always answers. It’s just that His answer isn’t always yes. Many times it’s no, because more than anything He loves us and desires His best for us, not our best for us.

When we can face the fiery furnace of this life and say, “but even if He doesn’t,” then we are truly blessed. We’re blessed because we understand that the hot pits of this world mean nothing when held in comparison to eternity in His presence and love. It may get uncomfortable for a little while, it may even be painful, but it doesn’t last. Even if He doesn’t save you from your present fire, He promises to deliver you forever to a lasting afterlife of no more pain. Sometimes fire is just meant to purify us, to burn out the places that don’t belong. Sometimes you gotta smell like smoke a little to remind you of the truth.

And the truth is…

Even if He doesn’t,

He still loves you. He still has plans to prosper you. He still has plans to work out all things for your good.

Even if He doesn’t,

He’s still God, and we won’t bow down to anything less just to avoid a little fire.

Here’s the Thing About Praying Specific Prayers…

May 23, 2018 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

This morning I was reading in Genesis, and I love reliving the experience of real life people who experienced God’s goodness. But I was especially touched today when I read about Abraham’s servant who was tasked to find a wife for Isaac. The great part was when he started looking in earnest he asked God specifically to let it play out a certain way. He was like, God, so I’ll know it’s you, I want you to have the bride-to-be to give me a drink of water. Then for good measure let her offer some to my camels too. Ok? But the greatest part was before he even finished praying this outlandish prayer, God answered. I mean, the words hadn’t even left his lips before Rebekah walked up and offered him a cool drink. Ask and receive, am I right?! Then when he repeated the situation to her family they knew without a doubt that it was of God. How else could a prayer that specific be answered just as specifically if it wasn’t?

I found this account to be a fabulous reminder of how a prayer life should be. We should be so certain of God’s involvement and blessing on our life that we pull out all the stops. Abraham had told his servant that God would take care of it. So the servant went with that fact. He prayed a very specific prayer that only God could fulfill, and he had faith that God would do just what he asked. So much so that God answered before he even closed his lips. Bam!

I believe that these situations aren’t just stuck in the Old Testament, but that God has big, specific answers for us today. And He wants us to ask in belief that He will answer.

This morning the forecast called for rain. I had looked at it last night and told Ben we wouldn’t be going to the pool. A glance again this morning confirmed the weather report of rain and thunderstorms. But I really wanted a little sun by the pool. I think sometimes we have desires but feel guilt asking God for them. It’s like we think we’re being selfish to ask it of Him. The girls had already expressed their desire to go to the pool. It had been a lot of thunderstorms for the past two weeks as we entered Central Florida’s rainy season, and we’d been chased away from the pool by bad weather every time we’d gone. So as they expressed the same desire as me for sunshine, I called them over to pray about it with me. As we looked out the window at the gray sky and down at my phone at an even gloomier forecast we prayed for sunshine. Ben looked at his radar and said we might have an hour of overcast skies if we hurried. So off to the pool with high hopes we went.

Just like the girls had asked of us, I asked of God as we went. Please, Lord. Just keep the rain away for a little while. Let us enjoy some time at the pool together on my day off.

Well, not only did it not rain, but the sun came out in full force! There wasn’t a gray cloud in the sky for as far as I could see. And this was in total opposition to how it had looked before we left the house, what the radar had shown, or what the hourly forecast had promised. God gave us sunshine.

As I lay soaking in the rays after swimming with my girls, I watched my husband walk in his gifting. The sun and clear skies had brought another gentleman out by the pool, and in a fashion that only my husband can carry out, he struck up an easy conversation. He’s so unlike me. Where I have trouble conversing with a stranger, Ben takes to it like a fish to water. He feels like the best way to show God’s Love is to love people. So he takes every opportunity he can to talk with whoever God puts in his path. His gift of gab, heart for others, and easy way of listening is a treasure for me to watch.

After a few hours poolside we decided to go visit a small, scenic town down the road called Celebration. It easily lives up to its name with picturesque architecture and beautiful scenery. It’s a great place to grab lunch or ice cream, walk around, and even play in the fountain. We saw they rent specialty, family bikes for riding around the lake, and that will be our next adventure here. While we skipped the bikes today, we still had a wonderful time. It had rained just before we arrived, but stopped as we pulled into our parking spot. And it didn’t rain again until we were ready to go!

Here’s the thing about praying specific prayers… You get specific answers. Thank you, God, for a great day!

Did You Hear Me, God?

October 19, 2017 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

The other night I lay down exhausted, and before I fell asleep I began to pray. In fact, I’m pretty sure I fell asleep praying, but I guess there’s really no better way to drift off. I do recall distinctly, though, before succumbing to the sandman asking God for two things. 

As I lay down on my comfy, new mattress I still winced before turning on my side. Is this what forty is like, I wondered; before asking for healing, that is. That morning I had been making my bed, and as I briskly pulled the quilt upward I felt a sharp twinge of pain in my lower back. Ouch! How embarrassing to injure oneself in such a manner, and all day I had assumed the ache would go away, yet as I lay in bed it seemed to be all I could feel and think about. Hence my first bedtime prayer. 

“Please heal my back, Lord,” I prayed. “Let the pain be completely gone when I wake up! In Jesus name.”

I boldly believed, and as I felt myself drifting away I thanked God for the things in my life, my husband, my children, His provision, and salvation, but I also prayed for a problem I had on occasion. Bad dreams. 

“Lord, I pray for good dreams. Let my dreams be from you,” I petitioned. Then I took it a step further. “May they be prophetic dreams.”

I fell asleep with a contented grin, but when I woke some seven hours later it wasn’t a smile upon my face. My eyes blinked groggily on the tale end of a nighttime picture-show, the strange, unwarranted dream still fresh in my brain, and it could only be described with one word. Bad. I had dreamed a bad dream. 

I sat up quickly and swung my legs over the side of the bed. Immediately I noticed the surge of pain present in my back. It was worse than yesterday. Way worse! It hadn’t healed overnight at all. In that moment I almost wanted to ask, “did you hear me, God,” but even in my downtrodden thoughts I only spoke one thing. Faith. 

“I still trust you, God,” I silently prayed. “No matter what, I trust you.”

Then I got up out of bed, pushing the back pain to the recesses of my mind, as much as I physically could anyway. I did mention it to my husband as we stood together at the coffee maker, but more to hear his thoughts than to complain. 

“It will be healed,” he said, as if it had already been done, and I readily agreed. 

“I know,” I said, kissing his cheek, and that was the last I thought of my back until later in the evening. 

It was a Tuesday, and Tuesdays were our busy days. Homeschool group, a softball double-header, and all the other things I was responsible for in a given day. We rushed about, doing our thing, and it wasn’t until later that night, fixing my dinner plate, that something unusual occurred to me. 

My back doesn’t hurt, I thought in surprise, and then I realized it had not bothered me since I told God that I trusted Him, no matter what. When I woke up the pain had been excruciating, and how it had gone from a solid eight to a zero was pretty darn cool. Plus there’s only been good dreams the past two night. I guess He heard me after all. 

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Meet Brie

Brie is a forty-something wife and mother. When she's not loving on her hubby or playing with her three daughters, she enjoys cooking, reading, and writing down her thoughts to share with others. She loves traveling the country with her family in their fifth wheel, and all the Netflix binges in between. Read More…

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