Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

I Will Never Forget the Trauma of COVID-19

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Numbers have been declining, face mask mandates rescinded, and I try to be hopeful. I haven’t taken care of a COVID positive patient in two weeks! I want this to end more than you know. I want life to return to normal. I want my outgoing husband to go back to ministering to strangers in love, and I desire for my daughters to play with other children without concern or worry. It’s not fear, you see, that drives me, but rather things I saw and cannot forget.

A few months ago I received my first dose of the COVID vaccine. I felt hopeful. In all honesty, I cried happy tears. I wanted an end to this pandemic more than anyone could ever imagine. I posted a picture to Instagram of me smiling with my vaccination card. A stranger commented about my lack of faith, and my obvious succumbing to fear. That broke my heart.

This morning my husband and I talked about it on the front porch. Before children wake, with coffee in hand, we’re allowed these private conversations. I mentioned how I wanted to see him engage with neighbors more readily, like he used to do. You see, the past year has not just impacted me. It had also scarred my best friend, my spouse who heard my pain after a long day at the ICU bedside. He knew the truth of it.

As we spoke of hope, of how things seemed to be getting better, I was taken back to this past summer. June and July of 2020. I had been working in a major, metropolitan area of Central Florida, and we had been hit brutally by the pandemic.

I said to my husband, “I remember reaching that breaking point where I knew we couldn’t take much more. There were more patients than we could handle. Every shift another person died. A woman my age with young children like us died. Then that man with daughters the same age as ours. Followed by the death of a coworker’s spouse. I took care of him. I helped her put on the PPE right before he died. I remember thinking that could be me, losing you.”

He listened in that understanding way of his. Then I added, “I think a part of my depression at the worst of it had a lot to do with public perception. I would try to escape to social media to take my mind off what I was seeing at work, but I was met with people who made light of the very thing that was breaking me.”

I had to take a big step away from the world during all of this. I didn’t fear a virus, but I did fear the way my heart was feeling towards others who could not fathom what I was going through. Here I was crying into the phone with family who couldn’t hold their dying loved one, and the rest of the country was complaining about not having prom or how uncomfortable a thin piece of paper felt on their face for 20 minutes a day. I rubbed ointment of the reddened bridge of my nose, scarred by a respirator I wore for 13 hours a day, and I rubbed my bruised ego even harder.

It took months, and I mean months, for me to let go of the hurt and offense I felt at others negating my pain. I had to lay it all down and be grateful that they didn’t have to know the things I knew, see the things I had seen, or remember the trauma that could still pop up unexpected as I sat on my porch drinking coffee.

I have forgiven the offense, but I cannot forget the trauma I experienced. I know I’m not alone in this. I think of the wonderful, brave men and women, doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and other healthcare workers who served alongside me during the worst of it. We all had that hollow-eyed look, at the time, and I think even now are like a feral cat hesitantly approaching a bowl of food left in the garage. We want the good news. We want the numbers to go down, and a return to normalcy. Yet we can’t forget. The death, the hopelessness. We were supposed to save lives, yet there was a time where nothing we did worked. If you entered the COVID ICU, your chances of leaving it alive were slim to none. It’s not supposed to work like that.

I’m back on social media, and it’s about the same. It hasn’t changed, but I have. I realize I cannot change anyone’s mind. I cannot be a voice of reason or experience to anyone who doesn’t want to hear me. I let it go, as my daughter’s favorite princess would say. Opinions are still strong, and people like to voice them. People have their opinions on masks and vaccinations, and I won’t try to change that.

I would only say this. Don’t belittle what someone else decides to do, or God-forbid, question their belief system or faith. In 2020 there was this saying, “we’re all in this together.” While I could appreciate the sentiment, it just wasn’t true. We all experienced the COVID-19 pandemic, but exactly how it impacted us was very different. We were not together in the differing traumas we experienced. I didn’t suffer through financial hardship. I kept my job the entire time. Those who didn’t have money to pay their bills experienced a trauma I cannot relate to, but it’s also a reciprocal relationship. I saw things at the critical care bedside that the average person cannot fathom. That is why I try now to not be offended anymore. Others cannot understand my trauma, and I cannot understand theirs. I didn’t have family die. I suffered depression and anxiety, but not as much as I’m sure others did. I try to remind myself of that.

If someone continues to wear a mask when the mandate has been lifted, that’s their prerogative. If someone wants to wear their mask outdoors or in their car, with no other people in sight, that is their decision. You cannot know what they personally experienced the past year. Keep that in mind. If you’re totally against the COVID vaccine, I respect your personal decision, but I would encourage you to do the same. Every ICU nurse I worked with got the vaccination. Our work didn’t force us to do this. The trauma we experienced did. So, if I could offer any friendly advice as mandates and restrictions ease, it would be this. Don’t lessen someone else’s trauma simply because you didn’t experience it in the same way. Instead be grateful that you can have the perspective you do. Some of us, like myself, wish we could forget.

Christianity’s Only Hope for the Presidential Election

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If there was one thing we could all agree about this year, it would be the monumental amount of disagreement this year.

What’s the only thing that has seemed certain this year? The abundant amount of uncertainty this year.

Indeed, this year has rivaled most in my short, forty-three on earth, and a part of me has desired to hide away in a storm shelter, waiting for the harsh winds of this season to pass. Whether you have experienced fear for your life in the face of a novel virus, or fear that your government is feeding you untruths about a virus, the fact is you’ve experienced fear. It’s easy to forget that fear often manifests in an apparently righteous anger, or in a quest to reveal the truth. Whether we’re enormously offended or staunchly standing for truth, it’s that thread of uncertainty for the future that drives the conversation. This year has rocked everyone’s foundation of security, and it’s ok to admit that. No matter how our response has manifested.

This has been more than just a year of isolation, though. It’s also been a season of unveiling. We’ve seen injustice come to light, but we’ve also seen the worst of humanity bubble to the surface. It seems that fear for the ugliness within ourselves can manifest in denial that a problem even exists. I think that’s been the hardest part of this year for me. Watching the compassion evaporate, and the selfishness multiply. Of note, I don’t exclude myself from this particular response to 2020. I certainly have dropped my basket of spiritual fruit multiple times this year.

I think the biggest problem this year, though, has truly boiled down to how we see, and how we hear. Do you remember the words of Jesus?

Matthew 13:13 This is why I speak to them in parables: “Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand. 14 In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: “ ‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. 15 For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.’

For a large part, as Christians we see and we hear, but only in part. Mostly what we see is of this world, and in actuality it should be the opposite. Most of what we see should be not of this world. We simply forget our heritage. We become so distracted by what’s in front of us, we forget what lies ahead. In this regard we place our hope mostly in the things we can see and touch, and not in things of above (and not below). The problem with this? We will always end up disappointed.

It’s like, if your hope for your marriage is in your spouse, they will fail you. Conversely, if you are counting on yourself to make it succeed, you’ll end up sorely disappointed. Our hope for our relationships should always be on the One who created them, the One who models how we should maneuver through them, and the One who gives the best examples for how to love.

But, our eyes will only focus on the problems in our partner. Our ears will listen to the world for a solution. And then we wonder what happened to the healing.

If ever (in my lifetime) a year has shown us what happens when our senses are too in-tune with the world, and not enough in sync with Jesus, it’s been this year. So, when our eyes are seeing only the problem (and not the solution in Him), our ears are hearing the lies of this world (rather than the truth in Him), and our hope is in the solutions we can visualize with human eyes, we will end up extremely jaded.

Here’s what happens. We experience trials of this world, and we place our hope in the solutions this world offers. We put all our eggs in a political basket, or we place all our efforts into advancing a system of this world. We consider things like vaccines the only way to save us. We consider achieving civil justice the answer to broken human hearts, and while ending corruption is also God’s heart, it will not be the answer for a corrupt man. Changing systems, policies, and political parties will not heal the heart of mankind. We know this! We simply forget to proceed through life like we do.

My point is, there’s not a problem with seeking justice, truth, and a non-corrupt system. It’s honorable to speak truth, but we forget to speak it in love, highlighting the true answer for all of the above. There’s nothing wrong with seeking change through our political party of choice, but if we count on our politicians to change the world, we will never win. Point blank, we have but one hope to turn this year around. We’ve simply misplaced that hope.

We see with eyes of this world, and we hear with ears the same. It shouldn’t be this way. Jesus said in the verses above that our hearts have become calloused, but if we could understand the world with our hearts and turn, that He would heal us. Do you know how we can do that? We must learn His heart. Read that last sentence again. His heart, not the world’s heart.

The heart of this world will have you misplace your hope. It will make you place your future and hope in the systems of this world, but they cannot save you. They will, in fact, fail you. So whether your candidate wins or loses, your future and hope cannot reside there. They must be in Jesus and His heart for mankind, as stated in scripture. We must hear with kingdom ears, and see with eyes focused on eternity. But more than that, we must speak with a love that proclaims the hope we have in Him. Our words don’t ridicule or mock when they’re kingdom-minded. They speak hope, love, peace, and the joy that comes from Heaven.

Sadly, a large majority of Christians will view this as a fluff piece. They’ll say, “yeah, that’s nice and all in theory, but in the real world it doesn’t work that easily.”

That breaks my heart. The truth is, the very simple yet profound nugget in this post can change your entire life. It really is that easy. We really can have victory regardless of an election. We truly can experience peace no matter what the media may say. We don’t even have to hunker down in a storm shelter to escape the problems whirling about us. We only need ears to hear, eyes to see, and love to guide us. No matter what happens in November, the future for a person saved by the blood of Christ is set. Regardless of how this year ends or what the next year holds, there is peace in eternal life with God. In the end, our Father wins, and a new earth and system will prevail. I can handle whatever 2020 throws with that in mind.

The thing is, when you know your future is set, you can pass through the desert unscathed. In the 23rd Psalm it proclaims “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…”

Y’all! We’ve missed the shadow part!

There is no valley of death. Death is but a shadow.

2020, and all its problems, are but a shadow.

The outcome of the 2020 election, no matter what, is but a shadow.

And do you know the thing about shadows? They mean nothing in the face of what it real. They mean nothing without the light. The light of God’s truth reveals the existence of all things, and our hope should only be in Him. Shadows are shifting, but our Father is solid. And that is where our Hope should stand.

Why You Mad, Though?!

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I have never seen people angrier than they’ve been in 2020. Am I right?! I mean, I’ve seen people mad about masks more than I ever imagined possible. As a healthcare worker, I assumed face masks to be used for the protection of self and others, but this year I learned they’re actually an affront to personal freedom. I can’t believe I’ve been unknowingly under the thumb of tyrannical, hospital administration for twenty years!

I joke, but in all seriousness, have you noticed the tense nature of human interaction at large this year? Barely a quarter into the pandemic, groups began to emerge. People separated by their opinions, but worse, pushed apart by those same disagreements. It no longer became a simple difference of ideas, but rather a battle for who was right.

I could have probably ignored the strong will and raging meme wars if not for the fact that it continued past the stay-at-home orders. The Country began to set-up differing camps based not just on COVID-19 theories, but rather separated on issues of racial equality. A topic that would seem cut and dry (as in, all men are created equal) suddenly became convoluted by matters that shouldn’t. In other words, someone’s ability to be murdered was weighed against their possible, past criminal record. And instead of agreeing that marginalized minorities should be supported, a sadly large number of people argued the idea that injustice even existed. Racism became as much a hoax to some as coronavirus had been deemed, and then the ridiculousness really began.

People began to question the salvation of fellow Christians based on political affiliation. Society began to rate civil issues on a scale. Such as, human trafficking compared to racism, or pedophilia up against civil rights. We suddenly became increasingly concerned over the validity of hospital recording data for patient demise, and the layman became an expert in things like carbon dioxide levels while wearing a facial covering. It was proclaimed that respect for fellow man could not be displayed by resting your weight on a knee, lest it undo your dedication to a Higher Power. We learned Pizza was more than food, when combined with the word Gate, and apparently the Queen of England is into cannibalism. You could question the moral compass of a stranger on Facebook, but not the POTUS. You could ignore the need of those hurting around you, but pounce immediately on anyone with an opinion different from your own. You could rate sin on a scale from overlook-able to definitely burning in hell, and you could be certain that everything going on around you meant the end is near.

I think we can all agree it’s been a year of firsts for us. First time in a pandemic, first time to see things like flags change, or Walmart closing one entire entrance of its store. Mask mandates, racial equality measures enacted, and by far the worst presidential debate in history (although, I’ll admit I’m going off hearsay; couldn’t stomach watching in myself). I could probably make a pretty lengthy list of things that have blown my mind this year, and I’ve even seen some pretty good memes joking about how nothing in 2020 would come as a surprise anymore. But y’all, I am still in awe over the behavior of mankind. I’m still surprised by the attitude of society. In fact, I’m devastated by the anger I’ve seen displayed across the board. It’s mind blowing.

The other day I was praying about the anger. I mean, everyone is on edge (or so it seems). Everyone is mad about something, easily offended, and way too quick to speak in anger. Myself included, I’ll admit. So not only has this been a year of firsts in previously mentioned regards, but also a year of the first time I’ve ever seen so much unbridled rage, division, and disagreement. It’s been terrible. Can we at least agree on that?!

But anyway, as I was praying I felt the Lord speak this to my heart… “They’re afraid.”

It was only two, simple words, but they hit me like a ton of bricks. The truth of the statement rang solidly with my spirit. The thing is, the majority of the time (as in most of the time), anger is simply fear manifested. Anger is fear of loss. And there’s been a lot of warranted fear of loss this year. Fear for our health, fear for our freedom, fear for our lives, fear for our country, and fear for the innocent or mistreated among us. I’m not saying I don’t get it, but I am saying we need to deal with this another way. We cannot allow fear of the unknown to mutate into anger for what’s in front of us. We say that we know this isn’t a battle of flesh and blood we fight, yet that’s exactly who we’re fighting against. We say the real enemy is evil, yet we feel it necessary to give evil our own labels, such as Democrat or Republican. We take our fear of civil unrest and lump it together in a group titled BLM, Antifa, or white supremacy. We try and ease our fears of evil among us by becoming “woke” to the inner secrets of society’s worst. If we can give evil a tangible face we somehow feel a measure of relief. And before you misunderstand, I do believe evil manifests itself in the natural, working through man, but we must remember that the real enemy has already been defeated.

I believe if we could adjust our mindsets to one of a Kingdom nature, we could let go of our fear and loosen the grip our anger has taken. If we can surrender our offense, understanding that God is in control of all things, we can move forward in Kingdom purposes. We can lead people to an eternal perspective rather than bickering over worldly matters that are here today and gone tomorrow. This isn’t easy! It takes daily redoing. Every day we must lay down our flesh, our judgement, and our offense in exchange for God’s truth. We let go of fear, we humble ourselves, and we have faith that the God who began a good work in us (all of us) is going to complete it.

I saw a lot of my friends on Facebook (from all walks of life, opinions, and political affiliations) agree on one thing. They agreed that the presidential debate was horrible. But y’all, those guys gave us exactly what they thought we wanted. They called each other names for all the watching name-callers. They were rude, petty, argumentative, unforgiving, and prideful, just as the majority of our Country has been this year. How can we expect more from our elected leaders than we have supplied ourselves? We are reaping what we sow, but I’m trying to be hopeful that we can turn it around. So, let’s try and agree that the mess we’re in, we are all responsible for, and we can only fix it together. Deal?

How to Hear the Voice of God Better

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Do you remember the Kevin Costner film from 1989 titled Field of Dreams? In the movie (based on a novel) an Iowa corn farmer is walking through his field when he sees a vision of a baseball field and hears a voice say, “build it and he will come.” Although everyone thinks he’s crazy, he is so certain that he’s supposed to build a baseball field in his cornfield so Shoeless Joe Jackson can come play there, that despite public opinion he plows down his corn and steps out in this unconventional calling. I won’t ruin the plot for you if you haven’t seen it, but let’s just say that his commitment to carry forth the word he’s given does more for his personal life and spiritual growth than something as simple as a baseball legend coming to visit.

The words uttered in that film, “build it and he will come,” resounded with me deeply when I recalled them yesterday and not because I loved that old movie so much, but rather due to the spiritual significance they spoke.

If we build it, He will come.

Our bodies are a temple for the Holy Spirit, and as such, when we consecrate that space for Him, He is faithful to meet us there. The problem with our temples is they become too crowded for His Spirit to comfortably reside there. Our minds are filled with worries, and our hearts filled with anxiety. We harbor guilt, anger, and unforgiveness on the shelves of our mind. We spend our time on television, social media, or our busy schedule more than we do laying a good foundation in our spirit. Hey, I’m guilty too, but if you desire to hear more from the Lord, I’ve found you must close out the distraction and noise of this world to be able to listen. His voice is a whisper.

  

I’ve taken to practicing a daily unloading of the world. Usually first thing in the morning while in the shower I will quiet my heart and mind, close my eyes, and picture that I am standing at the foot of a throne. In the highest seat is Jesus, and I mentally and emotionally unload my burdens. I pray in surrender and tell the Lord something like, “today I give you all my anxiety, worries, and uncertainty. I exchange them for your Spirit and peace.”

I’ve noticed a tremendous upswing in my day with this simple practice of surrender. In it, I am acknowledging His supreme power in my life. I’m admitting I cannot do it alone. Many times I will imagine myself walking in a field with Jesus, simply spending carefree time with my Savior. I will pray out loud something like, “thank you that I am in you, and you are in me, and we are one with the Father, seated in Heavenly places.” By repeating these powerful words of truth I am acknowledging scripture, believing that the troubles of this world mean little compared to His power, His kingdom, and His plans for me.

When we can pray, listen, and read the Word, the Lord will speak to our hearts. He will impart His plans, His knowledge, and His heart, but I’ve found the key to hearing that still, small voice is pushing out the noise that distracts us. And when I say noise, I don’t just mean the television or screaming children. I’m referring to the noise in our heads, the to-do lists, or the lies from the enemy that say how we perform in life is more important than who God made us to be. The lies that compare us to others, or worry about the opinion of others versus who God says we are. To hear from the Lord is to lay down your life, meaning you would give up anything and everything, including and foremost the things of this world.

There is no room in our bodies, hearts, and minds for anything other than God, but we continue to fill the spaces with it. The thing is, those things don’t satisfy, they just leak out leaving us feeling empty. If we build it, though, He will come. If we empty our houses, clean them of the things not of God, and open the doors in anticipation of His Spirit, He will come and make His home in us. And much like our friend Kevin Costner learned, He will bring us much greater things than we ever imagined.

Three Things God Says About COVID-19

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Nothing brings character out quite like crisis. You will see some of the most courageous people charge into a burning building, but sadly, you will also see the ones who knock down the weak, trampling them to escape calamity. You will see people who instill fear, take advantage of a bad situation, yet also the helpers, the ones who pick up the fallen, serve the weak, despite their own trepidation, and give more than they take. I would like to think that all followers of Jesus fall into only one of the above mentioned categories, but sadly we all can fall to fear, panic, and survival of the fittest. Yet, in a time of chaos and uncertainty, I believe God calls His children to a deeper level of trust in Him. So, consider this a friendly reminder, to all of us who profess the faith, to follow the commands God has put forth for us in His word.

Without further ado, here are three things God is telling us amidst COVID-19.

1. Stay home! I want to put this as best as I can. I completely understand the fear of losing financial resources. I totally do. Most of us don’t have a huge savings built up, but I’m trying to encourage a kingdom mindset amongst all of this. I want my brothers and sisters out there to try and see this situation as an opportunity to grow deeper in dependence and relationship with Jesus, to not fear the waves that come, but trust the one who controls the storms. It’s not the boat that will save you; it’s the One who controls the ocean. He will provide.

Also, let’s think about what’s important. Is it staying current on bills or human life? Trust me as a healthcare provider on the frontline of this. It’s serious. People are dying. Maybe not you, the healthy twenty-something, but you can be without symptoms at the beginning of the virus and pass it along to people you do care about. Your grandparents, your friend’s immune compromised child. Life will always trump bank balance.

Then there’s this little nugget.

Romans 13:1-2 (NIV)

Submission to Governing Authorities

13 Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.

Please trust the experts in disease transmission on this. Let’s not listen to that mom in your private Facebook group.

I won’t say I believe every word from a politician’s mouth or especially the news, but I do obey the authorities God has placed over me. Our government has given very clear and strong recommendations, and a large number of people are still ignoring the highly educated, well established plans to slow the spread of this virus. You are hurting others, you are hurting yourself, and you are disobeying more than the president you don’t like. You’re disobeying scripture. Let’s humble ourselves under the authority God has placed over us, trust that His plans will prevail, and stay home! I’m a nurse and a Christian. I trust medical science, but above all my Savior. God has given us healthcare and healthcare providers with the knowledge to save us. Let’s trust that God-given wisdom that says staying home will keep this from getting bigger than our hospitals and medical supplies can handle. Please.

2. Stop hoarding food! I have had friends inquire of my family, if we have enough. Since we started living in an RV we have limited space for storage period. Our fridge is small, our pantry also. We can store about enough for a week for our family of five, and that means frequent grocery trips. This past week I went shopping after a twelve hour shift at the hospital bedside, and as most of you know, the shelves were bare. Yet as I made my way through the aisles I always found one to two of every item I needed, even if it wasn’t my typical brand. By the way, I only took one, leaving the other for the next person.

Matthew 6:25-27 (NIV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

I’m reminded of the Israelites in the desert. God provided enough manna for each day. Some tried to take more and keep it for the next day, but He caused it to spoil. He wanted them to understand that He was their provider, and they could trust Him to give exactly what they needed. I’ll bet there’s a lot of people today who may end up throwing out some food they bought in over abundance, never realizing that God wanted to show them what He could give them.

Jesus came showing us how to be servants, showing us that the first would be last, and the last first. He saw people in need and He fed them. Never once did He hold onto what God had given Him and not share with the rest. He didn’t take all the fish and bread from the little boy and split it with His disciples. He thanked God for the little He had, then God multiplied that gratitude to feed five thousand. Imagine the blessings we are missing out on because instead of thanking God for what we’ve been given that we need, we’re taking more than enough right out of the hands of the hungry. It’s going to rot.

2 Timothy 1:7 ESV

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Don’t let fear drive your actions. I love my family, and I feel the need to take care of them. I understand that you want to get your family what they need, but stop and consider the fact that fear is driving you to load up a shopping cart with sixteen cases of water and twelves packs of toilet paper.

Which leads us to the third yet biggest commandment He’s speaking during this time.

3. Do not fear!

I say it again. Do. Not. Fear. There’s a reason this is the most repeated phrase in scripture. You see, fear is from the devil, and fear is a liar. Is all this kinda scary? You betcha butt! I am walking into a lockdown, negative air pressure, isolation, COVID-19 unit at work. Tons of healthcare providers around the country are doing this. If we let fear rule our actions, we would shut them all in a room and let nature take its course, but no, we go in and provide the very best, life-saving care we can. Are we afraid of catching the virus, or perhaps spreading it to our family? Of course! But we don’t let fear dominate and rule our actions. The reason the Bible says so frequently not to fear is because God knows we will. Sin has created some really crazy, frightening things out there, but faith in Jesus gives us a mode to combat fear and not let it rule our hearts and lives. He has overcome all evil, and COVID is no different. Even death has lost its sting, y’all. I serve a creator who gives eternal life, and the gift He offers is bigger than the most fatal of diseases.

Do you think this surprises God? Do you think He is as shocked as we all are by the death toll in Italy? No!

Psalm 139:16 ESV

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

God knows beginning to end. He knew this was coming, and He knows how it will end. He knows the solution. He knows the good that will come from this. What the enemy means for evil, God will turn to our good. We have a tendency to forget that.

God is whispering amongst the chaos,

come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. I will give you peace. I do not give as the world gives. Take comfort, for I have overcome the world. There it is. Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wasteland and streams in the desert. Hope like a river, it flows to those who trust in me. Do not be afraid. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Your foot will not strike the stone. I will rescue you.

If I were to offer any advice during this time of social distancing it would be this. Use this time to read the Bible. Y’all! There’s a wealth of truth and wisdom from the Lord inside those pages. Let them be a healing balm to your worried soul. Let them guide your decisions so that fear doesn’t lead you, but His peace sustains you. Listen to the real expert on what’s happening. Don’t just take my word for it.

When You Feel Like God Has Forgotten You

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“She was scared at first,” I told my husband.

I walked towards the lounge chair he had saved for me, while my six year old ran off to find her sisters. My middle child and I had just rode a lazy river ride together while the rest of the family went on to another wading pool with mini water slides.

“What in the world did she have to be afraid of?” he asked in exasperation.

I thought about how the water rushed rapidly as we had approached it, walking down the narrow aisle with rails on each side, a stack of people behind us, making it difficult to turn around even if you wanted to.

She had spoke softly, “I’m scared,” while gnawing nervously on a chunk of her wet, blond hair.

I had explained to her that I was there, and that I wouldn’t let anything bad happen to her. I relayed this to my husband as we sat poolside afterwards.

“I’ll be holding you the whole time,” I had encouraged her.

My husband shook his head incredulously as I retold the conversation with our middle daughter.

“I don’t think they understand the lengths we would go to to protect them,” my husband mused.

I replied, “now we know how God must feel.”

God tells us over and over in His Word, the Bible, that He will protect us.

“Be still.”

“Fear not.”

“I will never leave you.”

“I uphold you.”

“Don’t be anxious about your life.”

“Cast your anxieties on me.”

“Behold, I am with you.”

“I will strengthen you, I will help you.”

“The Lord is near to the broken-hearted.”

“The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.”

“In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.”

“The hairs of your head are numbered.”

“I am the good shepherd, I lay down my life for my sheep.”

As a parent, I can tell my daughters again and again not to be afraid. I won’t let anything happen to them. I would die to protect them. They know this is true! Yet…

How often do I feel like a timid child, a small, soft-spoken six year old that a stiff wind could blow down? I, too, know my Heavenly Father will protect me. Yet…

When the scary current threatens to take me into deep waters.

When the illnesses come with age.

When the bank account dwindles and there’s not enough money to go around.

When people hurt me.

When my enemies come against me.

When I cannot see His face.

Twenty years ago God gave me a vision, and in this vision I was a small, towheaded wisp of a child, similar in appearance to my petite six year old now. In my vision I ran across a large field of green grass. My ABBA Father watched me from the porch of our farmhouse. He watched as I ran farther and farther from the safety of the house. I imagined I must be like a tiny, barely visible dot at the perimeter of the yard. I reached the fence, but that didn’t stop me. Still I ran. At some point I tripped over something and I fell. Tears ran down my cheeks as I looked at the bloody mess I had made of my knee. I was all alone, hurt, and it was my fault. I think I cried as much for the pain of my own heart as I did the ache in my knee. When suddenly a large hand reached for mine. It was Him. Papa.

He helped me up, He brushed the dirt off me, and He lovingly placed a bandage on my knee.

“How did you find me, Daddy?” I asked. “I was so far from home.”

“I was always with you,” He answered softly.

I wish I could tell you that after that, in my own life as an adult, that I never left Papa’s front yard. I wish I could say I didn’t hop the fence. Most of all, I wish I could say I never fell again, but I cannot. I still fall; some just harder than others. What I can say is this. Even at a point in my life when I fell the hardest, and when I was the farthest away, when I called His name I heard the answer.

“I am here.”

Never forgotten, never abandoned, loved beyond what I deserved.

This morning as I prayed about life, fending off melancholy over an area of life where I felt I had failed and fallen short, I felt the Lord speak.

“You know, sometimes what the world may call falling, I simply call redirection.”

If indeed I believed that the paths God laid down for me were the ones that succeeded, then I had to know His redirection was always for my good. And in life when I felt like I had fallen, He was always there with a big, comforting hand, soothing balm for my hurts, and a gentle voice of truth that said, “this way, child.”

Falling doesn’t mean forgotten. As children of God we feel like when we fail God is absent, sitting up high on a cloud, smirking over the idiocy of His creation. We cower under fear of this cruel world because we think we are alone. We assume Dad has left us to our own devices. We see the fast current, hear the rushing sound of water, and we are afraid, even when He is right there beside us. It’s human nature.

But aren’t you glad He patiently encourages us, over and over again, like you would a child?

“Do not be afraid. I am here.”

The One Breakup I’m Grateful For

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Most of us have been through bad relationships. You know the kind I’m talking about. It’s the kind of relationship that doesn’t inspire you to grow as a person, but actually makes you feel less. It’s the kind of awful influence on your life that hurts you in the long run. You feel comfortable with it, so you keep it around, even though you know it’s killing you. You just can’t let go. You get to a point where you don’t even know how. This type of relationship cripples you, it changes you, and it even makes you where you don’t recognize yourself anymore. Why do we do this to ourselves?!

The thing for me was that I knew I wanted to kick it to the curb, but after a while the negative aspects of it are almost like breathing. A passive inhalation and exhalation. So natural to fall into the bad habit.

I knew it was holding me back! I couldn’t succeed like I wanted to. I couldn’t obtain the things in life I desired. It was like a dream-crusher, and I felt paralyzed in the steel grip that held me like a vise. Heck, it was my vise. I had to let it go. I didn’t want to be on my deathbed looking back at a life half-lived and regret a thing.

If you’re anything like me, you probably tried to end it time and time again. You’d make your mind up to breakup once and for all, but then it wouldn’t happen. Whether it was current circumstances, lack of support, or whatever, you’d push it off.

I, personally, would wake up and say, “this is it. Today is the day. I’m done. I’m tired of waking up feeling this way! The dread, the failure, the worry. It’s exhausting!”

But then I’d live that day just like the one before it. Talk about exhausting. When you want to breakup so bad, but you can’t, it makes you feel like a failure.

I’m not sure what finally changed, but it was like a giant kick in the tail. One day, just like hundreds before it, I woke up determined to live this way no longer. I prayed! Oh God, did I pray! I prayed like crazy! I think the thing that eventually made that epic day different was finally opening my eyes. Like, for real opening them. That’s the problem, you know? We go blind. We get so used to one way of living that we totally forget how it’s supposed to be. In our ignorance, we think defeat is normal! We forget how to live. Really live.

I can still remember how it felt. It was wonderful! In that moment, I knew I was done. I was finished with it. The veil had been lifted from my vision, and I knew that from that point forward I was free. I had said enough was enough, but more importantly I had finally understood and believed the fact that I was worth more. I mean, I deserved more too. I wasn’t a victim anymore. I was a victor. It was the best day of my life, and it still is. Usually breakups are painful, and while the process to get to this one was, the actual letting go part was freeing. It was a breakup I could be thankful for, one I could celebrate escaping.

It was the day I broke up with fear.

My codependent relationship with fear had ruled my life for too long. By opening my eyes to who I was, I could let fear go.

You see, I was (and am) a child of the King. My Father in Heaven was all-powerful, all-knowing, and infinite. His power could conquer death, and as a co-heir with Christ, so could I. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, in this world could harm me. Not really. I had eternity on my side. Even if a train squashed me, this life was but a breath in the long run. If my children died, I would see them again in Heaven. No illness could take my salvation. No tragedy could break me forever. No loss could make me lose Jesus in my life. In fact, nothing could separate me from Him. Nothing. Being ruled by fear wasn’t simply a lack of faith, like I had assumed. It was a lack of seeing the facts for what they were. I had absolutely nothing to fear. The only thing fear could do was lie to me.

That’s right. Fear was a liar. It told me my circumstances and the what-if’s were bigger than my God. It told me to fear the storm, even though my Savior commanded the very wind. It told me to place my security in the boat, and that was the biggest lie of all! Why? Because boats sink! Of course, if I placed my hope in a boat saving me I would be crippled by fear. But a hope in Jesus is unsinkable. To see that was the only way to breakup with fear for good. My boat (whether money, relationships, or status) couldn’t save me. I didn’t have to fear a sinking ship when I could walk on water with Jesus. That’s what eternity is, you know. It’s like finally being able to defy the stuff that tried to overtake you in this life.

In my heart I knew nothing could stand against my God, and as His beloved, I knew nothing could stand against me. Sure, the world would try. It would make me sick, it would take loved ones from me. Bills would come, businesses would fail. Bad news would arrive, and horrible accidents would occur. But all those things were just a passing fog. Those were things of this world, and my hope was beyond all that. I was anchored in eternity. So why would a passing storm cause me to quiver?

Once I saw the truth, once I remembered to see with my earthly eyes what the truth spoke to my heart, I was able to tell fear he wasn’t welcome here anymore.

“It’s not me,” I explained. “It’s you. You’re a liar. I can do better than you. I’m tired of having a problem with commitment. So I’m investing myself in a real relationship. One that will last forever. Don’t let the door hitcha! Booya!”

Why 2019 Will Be No Different For You Than 2018

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The New Year approaches, and as I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed I see all the typical posts about bidding a much-anticipated ado to this year. They are not so much hope-filled posts as they are desperate declarations that surely the next year will be an improvement on the current one. Surely all the garbage will cease, the pouring rain of bad luck will let off, and something good will finally happen in the coming year. See ya later, 2018, and bring me some good news New Year! Well, I have to be honest, my friends, for many of us I don’t think a thing will change. I suppose it’s better you know now than a false idea of a stellar year ahead. Too much?

I wish I had a dollar for every post, meme, or update I’ve seen that declares 2019 will be different, and the one that I’ve seen the most totes the grand decision to cut negative people out of your life in the coming year. For surely if you can shake the dust of the Debbie Downers from your feet then things will start to look up. Surely. I remember thinking that was what I really needed to do to finally feel better. Out with the drama, and in with the positivity! Bam.

I mean, we’ve all had those people. You know the ones I’m talking about. They’re the people who manage to make you feel like crap, no matter what, and I certainly had a few people like that on my list. Even family, the people who should be your biggest supporters, and sadly the people that you feel guilty for cutting out of your life. I can recall a point where I finally felt a peace for letting those folks go.

It’s like the Lord told me, “you can forgive someone and not be their friend.”

Through His wisdom I realized that some people did consistently bring me down, and I could forgive them for that. But I didn’t have to hang out with them to prove my forgiveness. It was okay to distance myself from darkness, to walk in an environment that edified me.

But guess what? Things didn’t really improve that much. I still was bothered by it all. I allowed broken relationships to break me, and negative circumstances to shake me. And shake me hard. I was a victim of my environment, if you will. So if everything looked up, so did I, but if the wind threatened to blow over my little boat, I was afraid.

For most of us, 2019 will be the same as 2018, not because we don’t desire for it to be better, but because we are trying to change the wrong things. We’re quick to change our friends, change our jobs, and change our eating habits, but we’re slow to change ourselves and our mindsets. We’re eager to cut out negative people, but not quite so enthusiastic about cutting out the negative parts of ourselves. We strive to change our circumstances, determined to spend less money or exercise more. And these things aren’t without merit! They’re typically good ideas, but unless we also change how we react to our current situation, nothing will ever get better.

I had to get to a place in my life where I didn’t just cut out the negative people, but I also personally stopped being so affected by other’s opinion of me. I couldn’t just start managing my money better, but I also had to be content in my circumstances. I had to trust God to provide, surrender financial fear to Him, and not desire a life beyond my means. I couldn’t be a woman of circumstances, a woman affected by the storms of life, a woman whose feelings were based on the situation at hand. I had to expand my vision, seeing with a kingdom mindset, so that when the wind threatened to blow down my castle, I just laughed!

I had to become a woman who let go of control, and who surrendered perfection. I had to realize my happiness wasn’t based on my children’s love for me, my husband’s compliments, or even my waist size. It wasn’t contingent on my friendships with other women, my bank account balance, or the security I felt in insurance premiums paid. It wasn’t even dependent on my good health, for I could get hit by a bus any given day. In the end it came down to fear and control. I could no longer fear the things I couldn’t control. Which happened to be just about everything.

So why does one year end and another begin, yet nothing changes? Life is still hard, bad things happen, and trouble comes our way. Family gets sick, loved ones die, and something around the house breaks down. Jobs are lost, savings accounts dwindle, and muscles start to ache regularly. Relationships end, the promotion goes to someone else, and the book you wrote still isn’t published. We can change none of these things, so where does the hope lie?

Jesus

I read something this morning that jumped out to me. It said,

God has to take me through the process of getting unstuck from what’s been holding me captive before I can take a stand. – Lysa Terkeurst

All this to say, your future will never change until you change yourself. And that doesn’t mean changing your circumstances or your environment, or even your habits. Yes, changing those things are good, but in truth you must change how you see those things. The fact is, your situation doesn’t make your life what it is. Your life is what it is because of who you are, and you are a child of God! Having that heritage is the lifesaver you require, because even if the wind blows and does tip over your boat, it doesn’t matter. Your God will save you. This life on earth, and all the circumstances therein are but window dressing. They’re simply a foretaste of the divine, a precursor to eternity. Therefore when circumstances rock your boat, you can keep your thoughts steady on the eternal mindset of the life that awaits you beyond this one.

How do you change 2019? By changing your view of it. The future is nothing to fear, nothing you strive to control and change, but rather something you surrender. Surrender old thoughts that say earthy things matter more than they do. If it’s not going to Heaven with you, then I wouldn’t waste too many tears on it. Rather anticipate with great joy and hope a future without tears, without broken relationships, busted pipes, and aging bodies. Look fondly forward with love to a future that you will not need to improve, but that already is everything you desire. Keep your eyes on that promised future, take along everyone you can, and enjoy enthusiastically the time you have before that day comes. Enjoy each moment, despite the wind that blows and troubles that come. Let those storms strengthen and mold you into something better.

In other words, enjoy 2018, and 2019 will simply follow suit.

Why Tunnel Vision is a Good Thing

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I sat on the couch praying in earnest. I had woken early, something I tend to do when worried, and as I sat on my sofa sipping coffee I sought the Lord to ease my anxious heart. It was all I knew to do.

Suddenly I saw myself standing in the ocean. My feet rested on a floating dock, but I could see the water washing over my bare toes. A storm raged in the distance, and I watched as it approached quickly. Waves upon waves grew and swelled. I could tell from how they were building that I wouldn’t last long in the middle of it all. Logic told me so. I would drown.

My worries that woke me that morning had come from financial concerns. My paycheck had been a lot less than I had planned, allowances and reimbursements expected had not been included by pure accidental oversight, and it had forced me to shift things around in my budget, to delay payment on some bills. As a person who desired orderly ducks all in a row, this was unacceptable. My mind began to spin with worst-case scenarios and possible pitfalls.

In my vision of standing solitarily in the sea, the waves continued to bombard me, much as warring worries were doing in the present. But as I stood alone, frightened by the surging waters and darkened skies, Jesus appeared to me. He kinda took me off guard. He didn’t appear in the distance like a white knight on His trusty stead, but rather materialized into my arms, like He had been there all along. He was holding me tightly, embracing me, making me forget the storm, and just as suddenly as I focused on His embrace, the storm disappeared. Like it had never existed in His steady presence.

In the world the term tunnel vision is typically considered a bad thing. It connotes being so focused on a particular thing that you can’t see anything else. But is that really a negative trait to have?

In my life I could easily focus on my financial troubles and how they defined me as a provider for my family and budgeter.

After going back to work full time I noticed my young children had become closer to their father, and they seemed to depend on him more than me. Their apparent favoritism for him, in my eyes, brought me some sadness, making me feel like I wasn’t as important as a mother as I used to be.

I had recently written an article I put much time and thought into. I was proud of my work, but it hadn’t been received as favorably as I intended. The lack of fanfare and enthusiasm from the public left me feeling deflated as a writer.

As I got older my hormones were dropping and surging, causing me mood swings and a billion other symptoms. As a woman I felt crazy at times emotionally, unstable, and this bled into my relationships with others. It was often times overwhelming.

But as I’ve been bombarded by the waves of emotions, problems, and roles in my life that I think define me, I realize tunnel vision is needed. My children’s feelings for me no more define me than my ability to pay a bill on time, or my success as a writer. They’re all things that exist in my life, but when I focus on the instability of these things as my reason for being or my definition of self, I’m often left disappointed. In truth it’s who I am in Jesus that defines me. Therefore it’s His truth and His voice I must focus on.

When the storms of life rage, because, by golly, they will, it’s a strict tunnel vision I must maintain to keep from drowning. I cannot look to the left, or to the right. In Matthew 14 when Peter attempted his walk on the water, it was his fear of the wind and sea that made him sink. Had he kept his eyes firmly on the Lord he would have stayed afloat, I do believe. There’s a lesson there.

It’s not our problems that define us, nor our shortcomings. It’s not our roles in this world, or our fear of failure. It’s our heritage as sons and daughters of God that defines us, and it’s our ability to focus on that truth that keeps us afloat in this world. When we take our eyes off truth we believe lies. When we take our focus off Jesus we are afraid. There is no fear in love. But you have to focus firmly on love to keep out fear. You have to maintain a tunnel vision that is so set on the light that no darkness can peek through. In Him we are enough; no matter what the storms may say.

When Jesus Took the Wheel

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Have you ever had a situation occur and immediately you say, “thank you, Lord.” It’s like you just know immediately God intervened on your behalf, spoke to your heart, protected your life, and worked a miracle just for you. Sometimes these situations are big, and sometimes they are small, but they are always wonderful. Whether you call it a whisper from the Lord, or as I usually refer to them, as a God wink, it is divine intervention. It’s Jesus taking the wheel. In this story… literally.

It was late, and I was exhausted. That’s typically what happens after a full day of homeschooling, housework, and then an exciting night of festive fun. I drove through the dark night in my warm minivan with three darling daughters strapped in behind me. I could feel my fatigue, and you know how sometimes when you drive home tired it’s like you’re on autopilot? That was me. I was going through the motions and the routine of a familiar drive home.

As we crested a hill before the turn into my neighborhood I noticed a yellow street sign of caution on the side of the roadway. It’s weathered appearance proved to me it had always been there, but for some reason even though I had driven that road thousands of times, I never recalled noticing the sign before. Sometimes you just don’t notice your surroundings. But there it beamed in cautionary brilliance for the first time to my eyes.

Dangerous Intersection Ahead

Dangerous intersection ahead, I reread to myself, and I thought, it sure is. I had always known it was. My turn sat on the top of a hill, and it was one of those blind positions, that made visibility difficult when it came to oncoming cars. Whether pulling out onto the main road, or whether turning off the main road into my neighborhood, it was indeed a dangerous intersection. Sure, I’d always known that.

I drove onward in a “well duh” kinda attitude, making my way towards my turn. It was dark, like I mentioned before, so that made things easier when it came to seeing oncoming traffic. So as I came to my left hand turn I noticed that no headlights were coming my way. The way was clear with no waiting necessary, but a split second before I cut to the left I heard a warning in my head.

Dangerous Intersection Ahead, it blared, and despite zero traffic in sight I came to a complete stop just to make sure.

Immediately a car with dimmed headlights crested the hill, and I chuckled nervously and lightheartedly. Thank you, Lord.

I knew I was tired. I knew I had not seen that car. I knew without the street sign being pointed out to me, and without God rereading it to my spirit, I most likely would have quickly and distractedly, driven by familiar routine, turned my vehicle full of my children right in front of that oncoming car. Thank you, Lord, I didn’t.

He does this, a lot, you know? To us all. And we don’t even realize it. Many times we call it luck, or we say, “that was a close call;” never seeing that it was the hand of God delivering us. We miss the fact that the inconvenient delays are God’s protection, or that the Beware, Not This Way’s are His signs. They are everywhere. There’s no such thing as luck, only Jesus, or even His angel armies creating a hedge of protection all around. So when you consider telling Jesus to take the wheel, consider the fact that He already has. Now that is comforting!